Author's Note: To all those still reading – I'm so sorry it took so long for me to put out another chapter! Lots of things got in the way, but finally things are slowing down. I'm hoping to push out the rest of this story in quick fashion because I'm already working on the sequel. :) So I'll be responding to comments after I post this so as not to waste any more time.

Anyway... Who else is counting down the days til TLJ? :D

Chapter Nineteen

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving, too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Exhaustion clawed at him, begging him to give in, but Kylo couldn't. He wouldn't; not when she was there with those eyes that held so much more wisdom than anyone gave her credit for.

There was no way to tell how long they laid there on the cockpit floor, not daring to move or breathe. She was a hair's width away from him, both on their sides and facing each other. He could see the uncertainty in her eyes. He could see how the trust that had come so achingly slowly was now wavering. And he couldn't blame her. Still, his mind was clear… for now. Every part of him desired to touch her, the sweet haze of silence filling his head until there was nothing left there but her. No Snoke. No darkness. Just her.

The ache grew stronger with each passing minute. There was no doubt in his mind that given the chance she once seemed so willing to give, he would devour her. He couldn't trust himself. He couldn't trust that the darkness wouldn't return and consume him again. He didn't know how long it would take, but eventually, Snoke would win again. The monster knew what strings to pull, what emotions to provoke. And then, Reywould face the same kind of creature that she so naively thought she'd purified.

They had much to rebuild. He would have to stay close to keep the darkness at bay, but he would not risk harming her again. He would not give in to his desires if it meant keeping her safe.

"Why? Why did you hide this?" She was the first to speak, and her voice shook in its disappointment. She was not a fragile girl by nature, yet there she was, laying on the floor amid the wreckage, clinging to a broken man. She exposed herself so willingly; forgave so easily. Kylo had never known how to do the same. It dawned on him that it wasn't her fragility keeping her there, but her bravery.

Rey's brow furrowed. She couldn't hear his thoughts. "It is frustrating that I must break down your walls over and over. That I must read your thoughts to know what you feel… And now, I can't even do that."

His jaw clenched, both in shame and in defiance. He couldn't run anymore. He would have to let her in; let her see what she wanted to know.

"Come with me," she whispered. The way her voice rounded softly over her words was so inviting. "Don't stay in here. You are frightening the droids."

Kylo knew what she meant, and he did not like it. She wanted him to go to Luke's dwelling and stay there. She wanted everything to be harmonious, so that she could have her Jedi friend and her… whatever he was… at the same time. But it occurred to him, suddenly, that there was nothing she could ask for that he wouldn't give. Nowhere she could go where he wouldn't follow. Since landing on the pitiful island, every moment between them made him feel like he was losing his resolve. Now, with his mind clear, he had simply gained a new one. He had a new purpose, and it was in her.

He would do anything for her.

Rey was sick of all things psychological. Perhaps she'd grown accustomed to how easy it was in the fleeting time of blissful quiet, solitude, and strength. Before Kylo's breakdown, it had been too good to be true. It couldn't have been that easy, that they'd find each other, their bond would flourish, and nothing would break through and threaten to send them careening back into what they'd had before. But she was wrong. It happened, and it was the more experienced of the two who'd faltered.

The breakdown… she imagined it was similar to what had happened when he was young; when he'd lost his will to fight and gave in to Snoke. Everyone around him ushered him over that edge and left no one to pull him back from the brink. Rey couldn't be sure – she'd only seen glimpses of the happenings there, and never of his full resignation to the dark side. Now, she was unsure if she even wanted to see it. What happened in that day was similar enough.

Kylo was close-lipped, but when he finally conceded and let Rey in again, Rey's task was obvious. She had to bolster his confidence in their bond. She had to make him see that what they had was right. He couldn't allow doubt to complicate things and threaten their security. And so, there on the cockpit bay's floor, she needed him back inside and in the place that was safest for them both: she beckoned him to the gray.

He was there, waiting for her in the middle where their minds met. There was nothing there except for their metaphorical bodies: no visions to enlighten them, no dark and no light. Forgive me, he said beneath his breath. I was trying to protect you.

At last, an answer, albeit a confusing one.

You were scared, Rey chastised, beside herself. He grimaced at the accusation. You know that we are safer together. Stronger against him than when we are apart. Why are you so adamant on refusing that fact? Kylo didn't respond. She sighed. How was it so easy for her to admit her weakness, while he would deny his to the death?

Rey continued. It's when we are together that we are impenetrable. Without you, perhaps I could fend Snoke off for a bit, but who knows for how long? I'd eventually tire. He'd outlast and overpower me. He'd win, and all we have worked for – all that you have trained me for – will have been for nothing. Rey closed the distance between them, but did not dare touch him. Not yet. The exact same would happen to you – it already has. When we are together, it is not weakness you are seeing. It is calm. It is the gray. It is purity and strength. It is the force embodied in our bond. It is my life entwined with yours.

Kylo's eyes were fixated on Rey's hands, just out of reach where she restrained herself with the strongest of reservations. When she did not reach for him, did not touch him, she could see the resistance in Kylo's expression.

Whatever this is between us, he conceded. It is all that it is. Something that binds us together. Nothing more.

They parted ways, Rey heading back to the dwelling on the mountainside and Kylo to who knows where. He had to leave the Falcon for his own good, Rey had warned – C3P0 and R2, who'd been idling themselves with diagnostics and upkeep in the storage bay, had already begun repairing the damage, and Rey intended to send Chewbacca to assist. A sneer on his face, Kylo would follow her orders, but not before stepping to her. Close enough to hear the hurried heartbeat that contradicted the words that would fall from his lips. Leaning down to her level, his breath tickled her ear when he whispered "This will not happen again. I will not let it." He was gone a moment later, disappearing along the coastline.

Though she would take him at his word, Rey had no desire to follow; in fact, she needed to get as far as she could. Just for a moment. Just to breathe. In his own way, he'd conceded to joining them and would not be returning to the Falcon… not just yet. Rey understood the feeling: he needed to steady himself, first. He needed to find clarity and bolster his resolve. He needed to be sure he was stable before he could trust himself. Rey wondered if he could see the light in himself, then, shattering the darkness. More so, she wondered if he'd even admit it.

For his sake and theirs, Rey needed him away. Their relationship – or whatever she could call it – was draining with its constantly moving parts. It was her burden to bear, and she needed to go and settle the nerves of her comrades. They were sure to have felt it all. Wisely, they stayed away, leaving Rey to tame her monster. After all, Luke's ambition to save his nephew was no longer his: that torch had been passed to Rey the moment the incredible strength of their bond was realized.

Luke was pacing outside of his home when Rey returned, and he stopped and watched her with a silent, heated glare. Uncomfortable, Chewbacca left to tend to the Falcon, grumbling at the affront of his beloved ship and continuing to do so until he was out of sight. Rey missed him the moment he left, because being face-to-face with an angry Jedi Master was not the most pleasant of things.

Luke set the tone for the conversation, and it was one that made Rey's stomach clench. "Was I right to believe that Ben Solo is lost? Lost to him; lost to us all."

Rey was right: Luke had felt and heard it all. With their bond weakened and barriers down, Rey and Kylo had little defense against the experienced Jedi. Still, she refused to accept defeat. "He is not lost. You are letting your emotions get the best of you, Luke. Where is your compassion?"

"What compassion are you showing now? You do not want him near you, and you shouldn't. He is dangerous. He is unstable. Snoke has driven him mad." He was pacing again, and Rey wondered if he even noticed how similar he was to his nephew in mannerism.

"He is not mad," Rey seethed through gritted teeth. "And… and even if he were, you'd have gone mad, too! We all would have." Rey wished her argument could be stronger. True, she did empathize with Kylo Ren. Enduring years of torture and committing unspeakable acts, just to finally be free of it… Feeling all the pain of what he's done… Having the darkness and the monster within coaxing and pulling him back… Still, Rey couldn't help but feel disappointed. She had not expected to ever look the creature who'd killed and maimed her friends in the eye again, and yet, she did. It was never gone – it had merely lain dormant inside Kylo Ren.

When Luke approached her, toe-to-toe, Rey did not like what she saw. He was like the young Luke in her vision: stalwart and focused on a code rather than empathy. "He could have destroyed you, Rey. It is obvious to me now that no matter how strong your connection is, it isn't enough. We cannot take any more chances. When the time is right, we will take him to the Resistance. There, together, we will decide on what to do with him."

Days passed and if Rey had it her way, she would have avoided everyone. Unfortunately, Rey was logical and knew that doing so wasn't wise. She had work to do. There were things much bigger than her and her feelings. She wished, for just a few moments, that there weren't.

For three mornings, she walked with Luke along the coastline, listening to whatever augmented lessons he imparted. He'd begin by explaining the standard Jedi way, then tore it apart, reworked it, and compared the rights and the wrongs in his own interpretation. He cross-referenced it with the Journal of the Whills, and by the end of each conversation, Rey imagined that her education was the most discombobulated thing the galaxy would ever see. Beneath a former Jedi, an ancient prophetic book, and a First Order warlord, there was no way to tell what was right or wrong, up or down, and least of all, black or white. No, she was comfortably uncomfortable there in the gray, and somehow, she'd find a way to pull meaning from it all.

There had never been a code on Jakku save for work and be fed. And when Rey had first met with the Resistance, and subsequently with Luke, she'd had a head full of visions of grandeur. Now, there was no grandeur. There was no code left to follow, and she was slowly realizing that there was no place for one. It would only hinder her, trying to live within confines that limited her. If she simply listened to her head and followed her heart, Rey believed she would find the way.

In the afternoons, Rey would join Chewbacca in his repairs. It was so easy with him. Casual conversation over mechanics and mutual excitement over the ship itself. She loved listening to him retell his and Han's adventures; how Han would get offended over any naysayer when it came to the Falcon, and how many hours they'd spent repairing their "fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy."

Rey hadn't known him long, but she missed Han. Chewbacca clearly missed him too, evident in the way he would pause between stories to reminisce for himself. A quiet would settle over him and Rey could almost see all of the memories, inside jokes, squabbles and moments of devoted camaraderie pass over his expression.

Rey couldn't help but think that Kylo – or rather, Ben – should have had such experiences with his father.

Each evening, Rey would walk alone. Back along the coastline, around the base of stooping hills and through the dark, dense woods, she wandered with no perceived destination. Every so often she closed her eyes and reached for the familiar red string, tugging just to be sure he was there. After a moment he would always pull back, and Rey could breathe in relief.

By the third night, Rey was ready to do more than check.

Tentatively, she reached further along their connection, seeking him out and listening for her other half among the quiet.