And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love

You Make

Dr. Cox officially hates his suit-hates it like he hates Hugh Jackman, Kelso and everything else combined. He will burn this suit after the ceremony. Oh yes, but first, he'll grab a pair scissors and cut it into small pieces, and then he'll take it out into a field, pour gasoline on it, and light it on fire.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

He looks around. A lot of people came. Hell, half the hospital showed up. Some ex-patients are here. He recognizes that woman who was diagnosed with cancer--the one JD shaved his head for. When he first came in, he spotted the Janitor, and man, oh man. He'd never seen him so… uncomfortable? It was kind of creepy.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Perry keeps looking around the room, frowning. Jordan was by his side a minute ago. He's not sure where she would go. He walks around the area, completely ignoring the odd looks and the whispered "I'm so sorry". Finally, he spots Jordan on the far right corner of the room. She's talking to someone and--wait, is she--she is. She's talking to Dan. To Daniel Dorian.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Dr. Cox stays still and stares at them. Well…this is….what do you know, he can't find the words. His mind is blank. He pushes some people aside and quietly makes his way towards them. It doesn't escape his attention that Sammy is snuggled in a baby pouch against Dan's chest. The baby is slightly bouncing and looking around, arms flailing. Dr. Cox stops. He's too far away to hear what they're talking about, but he can see the expressions on their face.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Jordan has a slight frown on her lips, and her arms are crossed, her head held high. Dan is slightly trembling, and shaking his head, almost as if trying to do away with a bad thought. Occasionally, he forces a smile on his face and talks to Sam, who moves even more, happy to have some attention. Jordan even leans in to pet the baby, face soft. He's not sure what his ex-wife is saying to Dan. Whatever it is, Dan is disagreeing with her it seems. Perry turns away.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Other people try and talk to him. He growls and they scatter, but not before throwing him such pitiful looks that he has to try very, very, very hard not to rip them to shreds. He doesn't know why people don't just take a hint. Nothing is wrong. Nothing.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

"Dr. Cox."

"….Carla."

Her lips twitch. Carla looks horrible. Her hair is limp and her eyes are puffy. Her nose is red, and so are her cheeks. She looks, almost, diseased.

"Where's Izzy?"

The nurse tosses her head to the right. Perry looks. Turk is there, Izzy on his hip. The Todd is next to him and, what do you know, he's wearing sleeves. He looks back at Carla, who's staring at him. He doesn't like it.

"Car-"

"I don't know how Turk is gonna come out."

Well. At least it wasn't an "I'm sorry" or "How are you doing?"

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

"I mean….God….they were roommates for so long, and…I mean….he was always there, and…" she laughs, "Their bond was so--"

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

"Carla…."

Perry never was good with words--not really. There's a tiny voice in his mind, screaming something but he ignores it. When he listens to that voice, the heartburn in his chest seems to get worst. He pats Carla's shoulder, and allows her to hug him. Dr. Cox doesn't return the favor. When she lifts her head from his shoulder she looks worst. He realizes its not just her feelings she's carrying. Swallowing, he gently pushes her away and heads to the back room.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Jordan isn't there anymore, and neither is Dan. The crowd is starting to go forward, filling the seats quickly. Perry scans the back row, and decides to sit at the far left corner. No one pays any attention to him.

Ten minutes later and it seems all, if not most of the seats are filled. He still can't find Jordan. He shifts in his seat. Its vaguely comfortable, at the moment anyways. His back will probably complain later on.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

"Angry Doctor."

"….Janitor."

The man sits next to him and looks ahead. Perry doesn't tell him to get lost. He didn't say sorry, or look at him as if he were a wounded animal. There are worst people to be sitting next to. Minutes pass, and it seems as if the service was about to start.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Dan walks across the stage, which, he now notices is decorated with flower arrangements. White roses and poppies. He isn't carrying his nephew anymore.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Dr. Cox is too far away to read the expression on Dan's face, but he can see the young man trembling. It can't be easy, doing this--his eyes keep glancing at the casket next to him.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

"My name is Dan, Dan Dorian. I was J-JD's older brother, um. JD was a great kid. Ever since--"

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Perry can tell that Dan is babbling. Either he was too busy to write a proper eulogy, or he couldn't bring himself to write one. He wonders if he got drunk while taking a "bath" this time around too.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

For the next couple of minutes, all Dan talks about is stories from JD's childhood. How he loved building snowmen, and how he loved going to school. Some people in the audience laugh when Dan told the story of how his brother came to fear sharks. Dr. Cox wonders why JD never told him any of this.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

"Any--anyways…I….was proud of my little brother. He wanted to be a doctor even since he was ten, and he went after his dream. Didn't let anything stand in his way, and didn't let anyone bring him down. He was a great doctor. A wonderful father," here, Dan chocked a little," a friend to many and…I'm going…."he pauses and looks out into the crowd. Perry looks down, "I'm gonna miss you, little brother."

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Dan exit's the stage quicker then he entered. Perry guesses he doesn't want to cry in front of a sea of people, who are mostly made up of strangers to him. Dr. Cox hears sniffling.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

A minute passes, but no one walks onto the platform. He can hear chairs creaking. Finally Carla walks up, head high and hands fisted at her side. She takes the stand, her gaze sweeping across the room. Dr. Cox feels sick when her eyes connect with his.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

"My name is Carla….I met JD when he started off as an intern eight years ago," she sniffles, "He was a little scared, but so eager to help," she sighs, " He was a great doctor," she gives a watery laugh, "he was my Bambi" she shakes her head," he was my daughters godfather," a shudder, "my husbands long lost brother, my best friends boyfriend," there's a wail from somewhere near the front and Perry cringes.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Carla sobs and her arms wrap around her chest.

"A father…he was a great father'" her breath hitches" so loving and caring and….and…."

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Carla shudders and once again shakes her head. She rubs her eyes almost violently and stares out into the crowd. Once again, she pins Perry with her gaze.

"We won't forget you, JD."

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

She leaves like she entered, the only difference being her wet cheeks. Dr. Cox grunts and crosses his arms, glaring at the podium.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Perry waits for someone else to take the stand. No one does. Five minutes pass before he sees some movement. Dan. And Turk. And some other men whose names he can't quite remember. All of them climb onto the stage and--oh. The casket.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Its not until the men have arranged themselves on either side does he notice that the Janitor is up there. He looks at the empty seat beside him; he's not sure when the other man left. Slowly, carefully, they lift the casket. They march down the stairs cautiously, each step sure and calculated. Gradually the casket comes closer--closer, and closer. He turns to the left when its only three rows away.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Perry hears them walk by. People are starting to get up. Chairs are being backed up, squeaking and creaking. He stares straight ahead. This time, there is no mistaking the tears, the sobs, the hushed whispers of comfort.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Dr. Cox is not sure how long he sat there, staring at nothing. The seats are all empty, and the last people filed out seconds ago.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

"Perry."

He turns. Jordan looks at him with a mixture of sadness and annoyance. Her hands rest on her hips and her right foot taps the floor.

"Well?"

"…Well what?"

She throws her hands in the air and rolls her eyes.

"I swear Perry, really…."

He merely raises an eyebrow at her.

Growling, she takes hold of his arm and drags him to his feet. He thinks about freeing himself, but her nails are burrowing into his skin.

"Ow! Jeez…"

"Shut up."

Jordan forces him out of the building and into the crowd. Somehow, they squeeze their way to the front.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

She doesn't let go until she's sure he won't run--and even then she stays glued to his side. Perry briefly closes his eyes. He looks around, determined not to look at the casket.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Carla is a few steps ahead of him, entertaining Sam. He realizes this is the second funeral the baby has been to.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Elliot is right beside him. Perry tries to ignore her, but finds that he can't. He turns his head slightly and takes a sharp breath. Dear God its like walking next to a ghost. Her skin is nearly translucent; her hair looks faded. In all the years he's known Elliot, he has never seen her so.…so…..lost, so devastated.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Jordan jabs him in the ribs and whispers,

"Its rude to stare."

He scowls but doesn't turn his gaze back to Elliot. Dr. Cox isn't sure how far they walked, but soon enough the men in front start to slow down. The crowd forms a circle. Jordan tugs him closer to the grave.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Perry realizes he hasn't really seen Turk since that day. He almost makes eye contact with the surgeon but decideds against it.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Everything is really bright. He looks up at the sky, squinting. When had the sun come out? And why?

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Slowly, the casket is lowered to the ground. Dr. Cox ignores the towbstone. People are still crying and whispering. He wishes they'd just shut up. Something is being attached to the casket--probably to lower it down into the ground.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Nobody says or does anything. There are no speeches, no last farewells. He figures no one quite knows what to say. Who dies at such a young age? Its stupid. Really stupid.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Gradually, the casket is lifted off the ground. Perry just stares at a nearby tree. Its trunk is solid, but twisted. Kind of looks like that talking tree in Pocahontas.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't--"

"NO!"

The shout echoes through out the cemetery. Dr. Cox jumps. He blinks. Turk is straddling the casket, hands scratching the wood.

"No, no, no! He's not--its--not--he can't--"

Perry can barely understand him, but he doesn't need to. He stares as Turk pounds the casket, sracthes it, kicks it.

"Its not true! Its-its--it can't be--wake up JD--wake-wake-up"

It feels as if thousands of bugs are burrowing into his skin. He doesn't like the sensation. Scowling, he turns to leave, but Jordan tugs him back. This time, she doesn't let go him. Dan and Todd try to pry the surgeon off the casket, but he's determined not to let go. Carla is boderline hysterical. His stomach drops when he hears Sam start to cry; he's obviously scared. Jordan glares at him before she leaves his side and goes to Carla. She grabs the baby and goes back to Perry, cooing and talking to Sam in an attempt to calm him. Dr. Cox tries to ignore them.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

It takes five minutes to get Turk to let go. He falls next to the tombstone. Carla joins him. Dan motions for the casket to be lowered.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Sam is gurgling, happy to have Jordans attention.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Inch by Inch, the casket is lowered. He can't see the top of it anymore.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Perry wishes he brought some ear plugs with him. The shouting to God, and crying was starting to get really annoying.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Licking his lips, Perry looks up at the sky, squinting against the harsh summer sun. Its starting to get warmer and he can feel sweat forming on his back.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

There's a strange noise. A sort of plop and crunch. Hands fisted, Dr. Cox turns his gaze back towards the grave. Dirt is being piled on the casket. Turk is still howling, as is Elliot. Carla, bless her, seems to be trying to console both but nothing seems to be working. Dr. Cox scoffs and stares at his feet.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

God, work was gonna suck for a while. Just thinking about what the hopspital will be like for the next couple of weeks makes his head hurt.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Eventually, there was no more dirt to pile on. Perry keeps staring at his feet. His shoes were dusty, and dirty. Frowning, he lightly kicks the ground. He'll probably burn the shoes as well.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Rolling his eyes, Dr. Cox storms away.

"Perry!"

Nope. He wasn't gonna stop. Not for Jordan, not for Carla, not for anybody. He showed up. He sat through…well he sat through it didn't he?

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Jordan and Carla continue to call out to him, but he ignores them. All he wants is to go home; or at least sit in his air conditioned car. The farther he goes, the warmer it gets. Halfway to his porshe, he rips off his tie and jacket. By the time he reaches the car, he's panting, sweaty, and ready to tear someone's head off.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Groaning, Perry wipes his face with the jacket, and tosses it into the backseat. He brings the car to life and turns on the AC as high as it'll go. Sighing, he leans back and closes his eyes. God, he needs a drink.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Minutes pass. People start to come into view. Grunting, he closes his eyes and crosses his arms. No one, ne-hee-oone would be stupid enough to disturb him here. He was sure of it.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Slowly, Dr. Cox feels his limbs become heavy. Groaning, he tries to find a comfortable position to sleep. A nap would be a good idea. He didn't sleep much last night.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Just as Perry losses touch with the outside world, a door slams shut. Snorting, he tries to stand--only to fall back onto his seat, curssing.

"Damn it!"

Dr. Cox grabs his head with both hands, eyes shut tight.

"Wha--"

"Shut up, Perry."

Mumbling, Dr. Cox lets go of his head. Sighing, he cautiously turns towards Jordan.

"I--"

"I said shut up."

"Look--"

"Perry."

Jordan turns to him. Her eyes are narrowed, and her mouth is twisted into a scowl. Dr. Cox gulps.

"You are going to drive us home. When we get there, you will take a nap."

Perry scoffs and opens his mouth, but Jordan doesn't let him speak.

"No, don't say anything. You will take a nap and when I wake you up, you will go wherever, and I do mean WHEREVER I tell you go to. Got it?"

"J--"

Jordan slaps her hands down on the dashboard and almost snarls. Perry wisely clicks his mouth shut. They don't speak on the drive home.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

As soon as the car is parked, Jordan gets out. Perry sighs, and stays inside a few seconds more, gripping the sterring until his knuckles turn white.

"Perry!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming…"

He grabs his jacket and tie and gets out.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

The ride in the elevator is uncomfortable but Dr. Cox doesn't dare speak, or even look at Jordan. When the lift reaches their floor, she glares at him and tilts her head. Perry walks out. Jordan follows him.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

When he reaches his door, Dr. Cox pauses. He takes a big breath. Slowly, he takes out his keys, but can't quite bring himself to open the door. Jack. What was he going to tell his son?

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

"Jack and Jenny are out with the nanny. I told her not to come back unless she absolutely had to before five."

Oh. Perry nods and opens the door. Before he can even think of sitting down on the couch, Jordan grabs his hand. His eyes widen. Silently, she leads him to their bedroom. The curtains are drawn and everything is in shadows.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Frowning, she gently pushes him onto the bed. Perry stares at her.

"Take your suit and shoes off and go to sleep. I'll wake you up before the kids get here."

"Jordan--"

"I said go to sleep!"

She slams the door. Dr. Cox moans.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Grimacing, he takes off the rest of his suit and throws it near the door. Tomorrow. He'll burn it tomorrow.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Groaning, Perry closes his eyes, and settles down.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Since he didn't sleep well(that damn heartburn again) a nap woud be much welcomed. After all, he has to go to work tomorrow.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Streching, he faces away from the window and takes a couple of deep breaths.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Yawning, he buries his head into the soft pillow.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Perry can feel his entire body melting into the bed.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

He hopes the nanny doesn't come until she has to.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

He hopes Jordan will talk to Jack.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

More then half asleep, Perry hugs a pillow to his chest.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about."

Shuddering, Dr. Cox falls asleep.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about.

A/N-This chapter was, once again, really, really hard to write. I hope I got Dr. Cox down. And oh yes…he is so in DENIAL. Sorry this couldn't be put up a week before. Work got in the way….that, and I was re-reading some J&W….anyways, yes. I kind of want to post all the other ones at once, just so we can get to when Sammy is a little kid already!…but we will get there! Enjoy!…well, not enjoy…but…you know….