CH20

"Are you mad at me?" Alexis only had the one worry. Not that the man had taken her, not that the police were involved, not that she hadn't talked to them about any of it. Just this.

Kate/Kat squeezed her close which forced Alexis to turn back around and face her father who was kneeling on the floor in front of her sitting in Kate/Kat's lap.

"Why do you think she's your mommy?" Rick asks her.

"Stories about families have a mommy and a daddy." Alexis responds. It sounded simple to her.

Kate/Kat was still holding her tight while staring at Castle who had started staring back at her.

"How about you go play pumpkin and let mommy and daddy talk, then we can have dinner." Rick offers.

"Go on pumpkin, we're not mad at you, it's just that we need to talk." Kate/Kat tells her and kisses the back of her head, then sets her down on the floor.

Alexis leaves a little uncertain, however her dad had used the word mommy, so she felt better. Or maybe hopeful would be a better word.

After she was on the far side of the room. "Kat, …." However Kate/Kat interrupts him.

"This is the third time I've almost lost her Castle. A simple store, riding her bike over the side and now some sexual pervert. I'm not losing her Castle. …. I'm not!" Kate/Kat tries to put her need to keep Alexis in her life into the look on her face.

"If that means I have to let her call me mom, I can live with that. Maybe someday I'll actually feel like her mother. My memory, such as it is, tells me I'm 19 and that seems young to have a 2 year old child. …. If you'll let me." Kate/Kat knew Alexis wasn't hers. Not by birth and certainly not legally.

Rick stayed down on his knees and shuffled forward and spread Kate/Kat's legs apart to get in closer.

"I only need to know one thing Kat or Katherine or Kate or Katie. Do you love her?" Rick was in really close looking into her eyes.

"I've almost lost her 3 times Castle. The first one scared me. The second was worse, but this one almost ripped my heart out. … So yes, I love her. Someone bad had his hands on her Castle, and all I wanted to do was save her. No matter the cost." Kate/Kat decided on telling the truth. Alexis was his and not hers. At least not yet.

"I'll make you a deal. We need your real name to get your records. High school, college, etc.. We need a driver's license and a passport with your real name on it. Even if you still don't feel like being Katherine Beckett, we need that history.

We can change your name easily enough, I did. My real name is Richard Alexander Rodgers. It was changed to Richard Edgar Castle since my publisher thought Rick Rodgers sounded like some cartoon character." Rick explains.

Kate/Kat can suddenly see herself sitting on the floor just a foot or two away from the TV, watching some cartoon.

"Roger Ramjet." Kate/Kat whispers out.

"What?" Rick asks, puzzled.

"It was a cartoon show when I was little. I was sitting right in front of the TV watching it. I can hear my mom tell me to not sit so close, but I didn't move." Kate/Kat explains.

Roger Ramjet is a patriotic and highly moral — if not very bright — hero, who is typically out to save the world, with help from his Proton Energy Pills ("PEP"), which give him "the strength of twenty atom bombs for a period of twenty seconds". The world is invariably saved by dispensing violence towards the various recurring criminals who populated the series.

"You're remembering more." Rick points out smiling at her.

"Except it's all jumbled about. One time a teenager going off to college and the next I'm not even 5 years old." Kate/Kat moans.

"Castle, who is Alexis's mother?" If Alexis was going to call her mom, it seemed like information she needed to know.

Rick moved in closer until his lips were just a fraction away from hers. "Her name is Meredith." Rick was whispering into her lips.

"Before her I was involved with a woman named Kyra. I was in love with her. I even asked her to marry me. Her response was to tell me she needed time and space to give me an answer. Her idea of space was to move to Europe and I've never seen or heard from her since.

Then I met Meredith and she was nothing like Kyra. It was just going to be a fun fling. Then she came home one day and told me she was pregnant, and wanted an abortion." Rick paused when he heard Kate/Kat suck in her breath.

For Kate/Kat the thought of there not having even been an Alexis pissed her off. And scared her to her very core. A love that almost wasn't.

"I married her as a way to keep her from getting an abortion. Meredith however didn't let me have anything to do with the pregnancy. I came home one day to find her gone and watched her come home 2 days later with a baby in her arms. Handing off the baby to me and telling me to go downstairs and pay the taxi driver.

Meredith never had anything to do with Alexis. I came home to find Alexis crying with a very dirty diaper and starving. After taking care of Alexis I found Meredith in our bed having sex with some guy.

I kicked him out, butt naked and screamed at Meredith.

Two days later I was handed divorce papers. Meredith took the house and some money and I got Alexis.

Then I moved out here from L.A. and haven't seen or heard from her since. She had no interest in her own child." Rick gives the short version.

Kate/Kat meanwhile after he stops talking uses each hand to wipe away her tears. "She almost killed Alexis." Kate/Kat whispers out.

As much as Alexis meant to her even if she didn't give birth to her, the mere thought that Alexis almost wasn't was too much to take.

Kate/Kat takes one of her wet hands from her tears and places it on the side of Castle's face and look into his eyes. "I do love her Castle and I do want her, even if her birth mother doesn't. I'll even fight for her if I have to."

"We need your history Kat. Even if it's a name you don't think is yours, and maybe one day when more of your memory returns you'll feel more like her. But it's just a name and you have a past. One before all this happened.

I'm not taking you from your parents, any more than I'm taking Alexis from you. I know you love her, and it sounds like your parents loved you. Everything you've remembered and told me so far has all been happy times.

I don't have a problem with Alexis calling you mom. She's never even met Meredith and I don't have any pictures of her either. Nor have I told her much about her mother. … well, her birth mother anyway.

So, …. If you're willing to let her call you mom I don't have a problem with that, but I intend to find your parents Kat, Kate, Katherine, Katie. I promised I would help you if you let me. And I intend to keep that promise. Even if you don't agree at the moment.

But just think for a moment, when you lost Alexis in that store you were ready to take the store apart brick by brick to find her. What if your parents are doing the same?" Rick searches her eyes.

Kate/Kat could feel his point. What if her parents loved her as much as she loves Alexis? Even if she barely remembers them. Kate/Kat decides to answer his question by kissing him.

After breaking from the kiss. "Good, now go play with your daughter while I fix dinner." Rick gives her a quick kiss and heads for the kitchen. And once there he pulls out his phone and scrolls for the right number. "High Steve, its Rick. I have something for you to do for me." And Rick proceeds to list off the items he wants taken care of.

Not that it was going to be easy since all he had was the name Katherine Beckett. But maybe that was enough, legally.

It was now 3 weeks later:

Kate/Kat was in the living room playing with Alexis. Both of them hadn't told Alexis she could or couldn't call her mom. They left it to Alexis on when she wanted to call Kate/Kat mom.

They had all gone shopping last week looking for new clothes. One Alexis was still growing and seemed to always need bigger sized clothes, while Kate/Kat only had what Rick had bought her so far, and obviously needed more.

It was on one of these trips when Alexis had come out of the fitting room wearing what Kate/Kat had picked out for her. "WOW, it looks good on you." Kate/Kat was smiling wide.

Alexis had run across to crash into Kate/Kat who was sitting in a chair waiting for her. "Thanks mom."

It had been the first time since that one day and she hadn't repeated it since then however. Kate/Kat hadn't corrected her nor had she encouraged her to call her mom. Rick and Kate/Kat were willing to let it develop naturally.

They both needed to feel comfortable with being called mom and calling Kate/Kat mom.

Right now Kate/Kat had been banished from the kitchen while Rick cooked their Thanksgiving Day dinner.

Rick had invited his mother; however she had a show in another state to do. It wasn't a big part like some of her earlier ones. But that didn't seem to bother her in the least. She was doing what she loved. It was only now that Rick had talked to Kate/Kat about her. Kate/Kat had found out her name was Martha.

The only person that was showing up was Lanie, since her and her mother were still fighting. Kate/Kat had only seen her a few times. This was going to be the first time in a few weeks.

As soon as she had shown up Lanie was instantly banished to the living room with the others.

"Is he always like this?" Kate/Kat asked Lanie while sitting with her watching Alexis play.

"I didn't make it here last year, but the year before? … Yea, he's serious about his holidays. Just be happy that he didn't ask you to dress up like an Indian or a pilgrim." Lanie laughs, for her answer.

"Like Halloween." Kate/Kat was catching on.

"He got you to dress up didn't he?" Lanie grins at her. Getting Kate/Kat to nod her head.

"As what?" Lanie was curious.

"Morticia." Kate/Kat answers.

"Aaahhh, Addams Family. Did he have you speak French too?" Lanie understood Rick and loved him in her own way, just not like Kate/Kat did.

"Oui." Kate/Kat responds.

"I see he's sucked you into his 12 year old little boy persona." Lanie however wasn't interested in that part of him.

"He knows how to have fun in almost anything. It's kinda cute in a way. He tries so hard to make me happy and make me open up. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't." Kate/Kat explains.

"Has he explained why he picked you up and kept you instead of dropping you off at a hospital?" Lanie was still curious about that.

"No, he hasn't, but we haven't talked about that day much. … Should he have?" Kate/Kat still had doubts about her place here.

Lanie shook her head. "He hasn't talked to me about it much either. … You seem to be good for him. He seems happy to have you here." Lanie has noticed a change in him.

"I love him, both of them." Kate/Kat twists to look at Alexis. "Alexis means so much to me. After all that's happened to her in such a short time, …. I feel the need to hold her in my arms constantly. I can see her playing, but she's not over here letting me crush her in my arms.

Is it a new addiction?" Kate/Kat was suddenly concerned.

"Is love an addiction? Will your heart break if you lose someone? Love can make you fly and make you crash.

There are differences between this addiction and the one you had. Love is a choice you make. You love Alexis and you love Rick. But answer this question. Is the love of both of them the same for the same reason?" Lanie looks at Kate/Kat expecting an answer.

Kate/Kat takes a moment to look at Alexis playing on the far side of the room then twists to where Rick is on the other side of the wall in the kitchen cooking. She can't see him but she knows without a doubt that is where he is.

Kate shakes her head to answer the question.

"Your other addiction was to a drug. It gave you something for a short period of time. But you don't need to smoke or inject love to feel it.

When you convinced yourself that you loved Alexis, did it fade and until you felt the need to smoke it again?" Lanie has still another question.

Kate/Kat went back to watching Alexis. She knew she loved Alexis now and would love her when she went to bed and still would in her sleep and when she woke up again tomorrow. It never seemed to stop. So Kate shook her head again.

"Your other addiction affected you up here." Lanie taps her head. "This addiction affects you here." Lanie taps her chest over her heart.

"Your drug addiction was a fake for what love gives you. You had to buy your drugs. But you have learned to open your heart and let their love enter yours and give love in return.

That precious little thing over there only knows love and not pain. And I pray to god it will always be that way." Lanie loved Alexis too and would do a lot to help protect her.

"She's started calling me mom." Kate/Kat comments.

Lanie twists to look at Kate/Kat with that information. "How does that make you feel?" Lanie was dying to hear the answer to that question.

"Scared, … happy, …. worried." Kate/Kat was conflicted actually.

"About what exactly?" Lanie pushed. Maybe she could get Kate/Kat to see.

"I'm broken. … my memory is spotty. I don't even really know how old I am. Castle is guessing 19 or 20, and it seems about right. Alexis is 2, I would have had to be a child to of had her. Loving her and being her mother feels different somehow." Kate/Kat confides.

"Kat, Kate, Katherine, whatever, everyone is broken in one way or another. Your young still and don't feel you have the experience to be a mother. However I've got news for you. There isn't a woman alive that has experience of being a mother for their first child.

As for your memory loss, don't let it bother you. Just be who you are now and make those your memories. Maybe you'll get more of them back and maybe you won't. What you are doing now is what is shaping you.

I heard about what you did when Alexis got lost, rode her bike over the edge and what happened at the museum. What you did is precisely what any good mother would have done. The fear of what could have happened or what has yet to happen is par for the course.

You love her. You worry about what will happen to her and you want to help her all you can. …. Kat." Lanie puts a hand on her to get her attention. "Young or old, you are the perfect mother for her." Lanie tries to put some truth behind her words.

They are interrupted when Rick stands in the door opening. "Dinner is ready ladies." Rick calls out.

"Come on pumpkin time get washed up and go eat." Kate/Kat calls out.

"Spoken like a real mother." Lanie grins at Kate/Kat. Love and caring in one simple sentence.

"Just remember honey, she and you will never be this young again." Lanie heads for one of the bathrooms to wash up.

That comment stopped Kate/Kat dead in her tracks and watched Alexis walk to the other bathroom to wash up.

Kate/Kat stepped into the dining room and stopped dead in her tracks, again. "My god Castle, we'll be eating leftovers till next Thanksgiving." It was a really big table with a baby grand piano on the far end, and he had filled almost half the table with food.

"I may have over done it, …. Just a bit." Rick held up his hand and held his forefinger just a fraction above his thumb.

Kate/Kat mimicked his gesture and then widened the gap between them greatly.

Rick lifted up Alexis and placed her in her booster seat at the head of the table, with Rick on one side and Lanie and Kate/Kat on the other.

Rick took one of Alexis's hands and reached across to take one of Kate/Kat's. Lanie took Alexis's other hand and then took Kate/Kat's hand.

Rick starts. "I'm thankful for a lot of things. My writing, my daughter, my friends and family whom I love and love me back."

Lanie speaks up next. "I'm thankful for the job I have. I get paid to do what I love. The love of my new friends and my family, even if I am mad at my mother at the moment."

Kate/Kat spoke up next. "I'm happy for my new friend." Kate/Kat squeezes Lanie's hand. "My new friends that I love so much, and for my new daughter that wants to call me mom." Kate/Kat grins at Alexis.

Alexis lets go of everyone and squeals and climbs down as fast as she can so she can run around the table and crash into Kate/Kat. Who catches her and lifts her up into her lap and squeezes her tight.

"Pumpkin?" Rick asks her.

"Ooooo, I love my daddy and my new mommy. … Oh and Nana and grams." Alexis adds her thanks.