Author's Note: Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! Or for those of you who don't speak Latin and weren't raised Catholic, through my fault, through my fault through my most grievous fault . I know this chapter took way too long. Life has been throwing me curveballs lately! Plus I knew where I wanted to go with this chapter but I had no idea how to get there. Finally I just sat down and started typing and it came to me. I'll be interested to see what you think of it, assuming any of you are still with me!
Enjoy!
Oh, since I haven't mentioned it recently, I do not now nor have I ever owned any part of Rizzoli and Isles. I'm just playing with them for fun. I don't make any money doing so.
Jane got up, walked around the table and pulled her mother up into a tight hug. It was Angela's turn to be caught off guard, her Janie was not a hugger.
"Thanks Ma, we were really hoping you'd want to do this. I can't think of anyone I'd trust more with our kids."
"Yes Angela, thank you. I know our children will be in the best of hands with the woman who raised my wife."
"Stop it you two, you're going to make me cry!"
Time passed as it often does. Sometimes it flew by and other times it seemed to creep at an absolutely glacial pace. Marshall Grey went into witness protection awaiting the trial of Manuel Fuentes. The Marshall Service was scrupulous in their protection of him but they got their revenge for his betrayal. Thanks to John Grey the Marshall Service could no longer say they had never lost one of their protectees. The new identity they gave him was as a janitor at a fish processing plant. In addition to cleaning toilets, his duties included cleaning up fish guts from the floors and machinery. He knew better than to complain. Doing so, he was sure, would result in an even worse placement.
The Rizzoli-Isles household settled into a new routine. Assuming they hadn't been called out to a crime scene in the middle of the night, Jane and Maura would switch off morning duties. One day Jane would be responsible for getting the kids up and dressed while Maura made breakfast. The next day they would switch. Jane and Maura would usually leave for the office around 7:15 and drop Bernie off at school. Since she was still going to her old school, which was in a different district than Maura's house, she couldn't take the bus. Sometimes either Jane or Maura had to be in earlier but they tried to ensure at least one of them was available to drive Bernie to school, partly because they wanted the girl to feel like she was a priority in their lives and partly because it was difficult for Angela to do it since she had to bring Bobby and Bryleigh with her when she drove Bernie to school.
They had worked out a system for nights when they were both called out to a crime scene so they wouldn't have to wake anybody up. Since Angela was right next door in the guest house they felt it was safe to leave Bernie and Bobby in the house. They would leave a note on their bedroom door so Bernie would know to call Angela if they needed help. Then they would take Bryleigh over to the guest cottage and put her in a crib they had bought for Angela's room. Sometimes Angela woke up when they brought the baby in but she generally fell right back to sleep when they left.
Three weeks after Marshall Grey's arrest, Maura came into the kitchen holding Bryleigh on her hip. She had just left Bobby in the living room playing with some old Matchbox cars that had belonged to Frank, Tommy and Jane when they were young. They were supposed to have been sold in the yard sale Angela had after her divorce from Frank Senior but apparently one of the boys had "rescued" them.
Jane was on her phone and whoever was on the other end Maura felt sorry for them. Jane was clearly not happy with them. "Are you freaking kidding me?" she shouted into the phone. "We were supposed to have just one more week to go and now your telling me we're going to have to wait another month!"
Maura couldn't hear what the person on the other end of the conversation said in response but it clearly did nothing to cool Jane's anger.
"So because some idiot in your office couldn't figure out that using their WITSEC name wouldn't work when looking for their relatives we have to wait another month while you correct your mistake. We're just supposed to hangout here in limbo for another four weeks. Haven't these kids been through enough? Don't you think they deserve to know what's going to happen to them in the future!?" Jane pulled the phone from her ear and jabbed her finger at the end call button. It was times like this when she really missed being able to slam a receiver down to end a call.
She turned to see her wife standing by the breakfast bar holding the baby and looking stricken. "We have to wait another month to find out if we can adopt the children?"
"Some dimwit at DCF put out the search for living relatives using the last name Clifton instead of Kinney. That makes it an invalid search. By law they have to redo the search using their legal names and we have to wait another month!" She slammed her hand down on the counter in frustration.
Bryleigh jumped and started to cry and when Jane looked over at her she realized Maura had tears in her eyes as well. She felt like a creep and hurried over to comfort both of them.
"Hey, hey, now. No crying, there's no need for tears," she cooed softly, wrapping her arms around both of them. "This is just a little hiccup. So we have to wait another month. At least we'll all be together."
Maura laid her head on Jane's chest trying, unsuccessfully, not to cry. She said, "I know you're right. It's just so hard waiting. Every day I just fall more in love with all three of them. We were so close, I was really letting myself hope that we were going to be able adopt them and now we're back at the beginning. What if this search turns up a living relative. I don't think I could bear it if we lost them Jane."
Jane rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. "I know baby, I feel the same way but there's nothing we can do but wait. Bernie seemed pretty sure their weren't any living relatives and even if they find one what are the chances they would want to take in three children they clearly haven't had any contact with in years?"
"I know, you're right," Maura said, pulling out of the embrace and giving herself a little shake. "Would you hold the baby while I get her breakfast ready?" She handed Bryleigh to Jane.
Jane rocked the baby, gently stroking her cheek with the back of her index finger. "Don't you worry little one," she murmured softly. "Everything's going to workout just fine." But her expression still showed her frustration at the delay in their ability to proceed with the adoption.
A few minutes later, Bernie walked in and dropped her book bag on the floor by one of the breakfast bar stools. She went over to the high chair where Bryleigh was eating her breakfast. Although she seemed to be wearing it more than eating it. They had recently started her on solid food and at this point she was just as likely to spit the food out as she was to swallow it.
"Apricot is an excellent color on you," she joked, ruffling her sister's hair.
"Would you like an egg white omelet for breakfast sweetheart heart?" Maura asked tying to sound cheerful.
Bernie was not fooled. Her head snapped up and she gave Maura a searching look noticing the strained look and telltale signs of tears. She then glanced over at Jane. The detective was better at hiding her emotions but Bernie could see a tightness around her eyes and a falseness in her smile. "What's wrong? Has something happened to Grey?"
Bernie didn't know how she'd handle it if something happened to the former Marshall and she had to testify against Fuentes. With the help of her therapist she was just starting to work through the trauma Fuentes and Grey had caused in her life. She still worried about what the future might hold for herself and her siblings but she had begun to accept that at least their lives were not in danger anymore.
"No! Sweetie, nothing has happened to Marshal Grey." Jane was quick to reassure her immediately understanding her concern. "He's still going to be the one to testify against Fuentes."
Bernie relaxed but only partially. "Then what's got you both upset?"
Jane sighed. She had hoped to have sometime to think about how to break the news to Bernie. She and Maura had yet to discuss with her the possibility of adopting the siblings. They wanted to but the tween's attitude had not improved much despite weeks of seeing a psychologist. She would be fine one moment, laughing and enjoying a good time and then she would lash out angrily at one or both of them and run out of the room crying.
Jane had even asked her mother if she thought it was normal behavior for a pre-teen girl. Angela had agreed that Bernie's behavior seemed worse than the norm but she felt that, considering everything Bernie had been through maybe it wasn't that unusual.
They had all agreed that it might be better to wait to tell her about their hopes to adopt her and her siblings. Maura suggested, and Jane agreed, that they talk to Dr. Arnone, Bernie's psychologist, to get her opinion but they hadn't had a chance to set up an appointment with her yet.
Jane took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She knew she had to tell the girl the truth. One thing she'd learned after living with Bernie for almost a month was that she could spot a lie from a mile away. "We just heard from DCF."
Bernie sucked in a breath and held onto the breakfast bar to hide the fact that her hands were shaking. Weren't they supposed to have another week before they heard back? Did that mean they found a living relative? But who, were they going to have to go live with some cousin they'd never met? Would they take all three of them?
"There was an error on the search for your relatives. They're going to have to run the search again. We'll have to wait another month for the results."
Bernie released a breath she didn't realize she was holding and practically collapsed onto the stool she was standing beside. She was so relieved to hear that they had another month with Jane and Maura it didn't occur to her until later to wonder why the delay had distressed her foster parents so much.
Angela arrived at Bernie's school at 3 PM, with Bobby and Bryleigh in tow, to pick her up and bring her to her weekly appointment with her psychologist. Bernie yanked the passenger door open, plopped down into the and dropped her book bag to the floor with as much force as it was possible to generate considering the small space. Then she slammed the door shut and sat in stormy silence without uttering a word of greeting to Angela or her siblings.
Angela sighed, it was going to be one of those days. She supposed it was a good thing she was taking Bernie to see the psychologist. Hopefully the doctor could get to the bottom of these mood swings. "Hi honey," Angela said brightly, ignoring the attitude. "How was school today? Did something happen?"
"School was fine," Bernie responded huffily, placing the emphasis on school.
So, Angela thought, something is bothering her but whatever it is doesn't have anything to do with school. "Do you want to talk about whatever is bothering you?"
Angela glanced over to the girl to see her looking back at her. There was such sadness in her face and for a moment Angela thought she was about to finally tell her what had been bothering for the past three weeks but Bernie turned away looking out the window and said nothing.
She was thinking that she was really going to miss Angela when she and her siblings had to leave Jane and Maura's house. Having a grandparent was a new experience for her and she really liked it. Angela had been teaching her to cook Italian food and she was much less strict than Maura and Jane when it came to things like bedtime and homework before TV or reading for pleasure. She gave great hugs and would sometimes take the three of them out for ice cream or some other treat that Maura would have frowned upon.
Angela pulled up outside the doctor's office and put the car in park. "We're going to go do some grocery shopping, we'll be back in plenty of time to pick you up after your appointment."
Bernie grabbed the door handle and was about to exit the car without responding when Angela held her back with a gentle hand on her forearm. "It's okay if you don't want to talk to me, or Jane and Maura but at least talk to Dr. A."
Bernie didn't respond but simply exited the car with a sigh.
Dr. Elizabeth Arnone had taken great pains in designing her office in such a way as to put her patients at ease. It was bright without any harsh fluorescent lighting. The furniture was nice, but not so nice that patients would be afraid to sit and relax on it, and comfortable, nothing like those torture devices that passed for seating in most hospital waiting rooms. The wall decorations consisted of paintings and photos of calming scenes, seascapes, green meadows, and mountain scenes. They were meant to look nice without distracting from the true purpose of a patient's visit.
The young woman who had the appointment before Bernie's left the doctor's office dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Bernie fought the urge to roll her eyes at the woman. She has never seen her leave the doctor's office in a good mood and she can't help but wonder why the woman keeps seeing the doctor. The sessions don't seem to be helping her at all.
"She's says you can go right in." The woman said giving Bernie a watery smile before exiting the waiting area.
Bernie walked into the office and closed the door behind her a little more firmly than she intended. She didn't bother to apologize but just slumped down into one of the armchairs around a low coffee table, dropping her book bag beside the chair with a thud.. Dr Arnone, already sitting in one of the other chairs around the table raised an eyebrow at this entrance but didn't comment on it.
"Good afternoon Bernie. How was school today?" she began.
"Fine." Bernie replied.
"Are your friends still treating you differently?" Dr. Arnone asked.
"Some of them." Bernie said, looking at her hands instead of the doctor.
"What about your nightmares? Are they getting any better?"
"A little."
Dr. Arnone frowned at the girl. She hadn't been this closed off since she first started seeing her. She leaned over and put her hand over Bernie's trying to get her to look up. "Bernie, please look at me."
Bernie glanced up for a moment and then away again but it was long enough for the doctor to see she was fighting not to cry.
"Did something happen at school today?" She asked her voice radiating sympathy.
"No, school was fine."
The psychologist didn't miss the slight emphasis on school. "Did something happen at home?" she asked. When Bernie didn't answer she squeezed the girl's hands and prompted, "Bernie, talk to me. I'm here to help."
Bernie glanced up and away again. This time her eyes filled with tears and they began to stream done her face. Dr. Arnone, picked up a box of tissues from the table and held it out to the crying tween.
Bernie pulled a couple of tissues out of the box and wiped her face. The doctor sat back and waited.
"Jane and Maura got a call this morning from DCF. Somebody screwed up the search for our relatives and now they have to start all over. We have to wait another month to see if they find anybody." Bernie explained.
"That must be very upsetting to have to wait so long to find out what's going to happen to you and your siblings. I can see why you're so upset." The doctor said sympathetically.
"That's not what's bothering me." Bernie said quietly. "Actually I was happy to get to spend another month with Jane and Maura but...". More tears came and Bernie dabbed her eyes with the tissues.
Dr. Arnone waiting for her to go on but she didn't "But what Bernie?"
Bernie sighed with resignation, she really didn't want to talk about this. She didn't see how it was going to help but she knew the Dr. A wouldn't let it drop.
"But I don't think Jane and Maura feel the same. I came into the kitchen this morning right after they got the call. Jane tried to act like it was no big deal but I could tell she was upset and Maura had been crying." Bernie sat there remembering the scene from that morning. The more she thought about it the angrier she got.
"I mean is it really so terrible for them to have to take care of us for another four weeks?" She burst out. "Is that such a terrible hardship for them!" Her face crumpled and she let out a sob, "Why don't they want us!" she wailed.
Dr. Arnone offered the box of tissues again and waited for Bernie to calm down a bit before continuing. "Are you sure that is why they were upset. Did you ask them?" Dr. Arnone suspected she knew why Bernie's foster parents were upset but the requirements of doctor patient confidentially kept her from talking to them directly without Bernie's permission. All she could do was encourage Bernie to discuss her fears with them but up until now she had refused to do so.
"What other explanation could there be?" Bernie replied, sounding defeated.
"I can think of any number of other explanations." The doctor said reasonably. "They may have been upset about the strain this puts on you and your siblings. They may have been angry about the mistake made by DCF. Or, they may have been upset about something completely unrelated to the call from DCF."
The doctor refrained from mentioning that they may have been upset because it meant they had to wait another four weeks before they could apply to adopt Bernie and her siblings. She strongly suspected that was the case but she didn't know for certain and if she was wrong she didn't want to get Bernie's hopes up just to have them dashed.
"Maybe, but I doubt it," Bernie said petulantly. "You weren't there. You didn't see them."
"You're right, I wasn't there and you weren't in their heads. The only way you can know for certain is to ask them. I know you have been reluctant to bring up the subject with them but I think it's time."
"No!" Bernie exclaimed.
"Bernie, what do you have to lose by knowing the truth. If you're right will make things worse to know that? Or would it give you the opportunity to prepare for whatever may happen in the future."
"What if it's just me they don't want?" Bernie cried, revealing her worst fear. "I can tell they love Bobby and Bry. What if they don't want an older child?"
"Oh Bernie" the Doctor was at a loss. She wanted to tell the girl that she wasn't going to lose her only remaining family members. She truly believed that but she knew she couldn't promise that it wouldn't happen. It was a very real possibility. DCF tried to keep siblings together but placing three children together was hard, especially when one of them was almost a teenager.
The doctor knew honesty was her only option here. "Bernie, I really don't think that's going to happen to you but I won't lie; it is possible and my question still stands. If that's going to happen wouldn't it be better to know now?"
Bernie slumped in her seat totally defeated. She knew she had been hiding from the truth, as long as she didn't talk to Jane and Maura about it she could pretend everything was going to work out okay but Dr. A was right; she needed to know the truth. She needed to be prepared and she needed to prepare her siblings, especially Bobby. Just thinking about it made her heart ache.
Taking a deep breath Bernie straightened in her chair and gave herself a shake. "Okay, I'll talk to them."
"Would you like me to be there when you do? We could do it this afternoon. You're my last patient of the day. We could call to see if Jane and Maura are available." Dr. Arnone wanted to be there to facilitate the discussion and to support Bernie if it turned out she was wrong and Bernie was right about Jane and Maura's intentions regarding Bernie and her siblings.
Fear flashed in Bernie's eyes and the psychologist knew she was hoping for a way out of the impending conversation. The look was gone almost as soon as it appeared replaced by a look of determination. "Yeah, let's do it."
Jane sat at her desk reading an autopsy report her wife had just brought up to the bull pen. Maura sat patiently in the chair beside Jane's desk waiting to see if the detective had any questions about the report. Jane's phone rang and she answered it without taking her eyes off the report she was reading. "Rizzoli."
Jane's head snapped up and she reached a hand out to towards Maura. "Yes, Dr. Arnone, this is Jane. Is everything alright? Is Bernie okay?"
Maura grabbed her wife's hand. "What's the matter with Bernie?" she asked, concern coloring her tone.
Jane held up a finger, listening to whatever the psychologist was saying. "Okay...No it's not a problem...We can be there in 15 minutes. You're sure Bernie is alright? Okay, we'll see you in a few."
Jane got up from her chair and pulled on her blazer. "Come on," she said, helping Maura out of her chair. "We have to go to Dr. Arnone's office."
"What's happened? Is Bernie okay. Why do we have to go to Elizabeth's office?" Maura asked clearly beginning to panic.
"I don't know what happened. Bernie is okay but Dr. Arnone says she needs to talk to us about something." Jane explained, escorting Maura out of the bull pen and over to the elevator.
"It can't wait until we get home tonight?"
"Apparently not, Dr. A said she thought it might be a good idea to have the conversation in her office." Jane replied with a shrug.
"Okay," Maura said, clearly concerned. "I have to stop by my office to get my things. Then we can leave."
"I'll call Ma while you're doing that and let her know she doesn't have to pick up Bernie. I'll see you at the car."
Back in the psychologist's office, Dr. Arnone hung up the phone. She was heartened to hear the worry evident in both Jane and Maura's voices. Clearly they cared about Bernie and she thought that boded well for the conversation they were about to have.
"They're on their way," she said turning back to Bernie. "Do you want to talk about what you are going to say to them?"
"I don't know how the start." Bernie said looking miserable. "I can't just ask them if they plan on adopting any of us?"
"Why not?" Dr. Arnone asked "That is what you're concerned about isn't it? Don't you think you have a right to know?"
"I guess, it just seems so…I don't know, self-serving?" she asked uncertainly.
"I don't think it's self-serving to want to know what's going to happen to you and your siblings in this situation. I think it's perfectly reasonable."
"I guess." She didn't sound convinced.
"Why don't I get the conversation started," the doctor offered , "and then I'll give you the opportunity to state your concerns, in whatever way you think is best. Then we'll give them a chance to answer and you have to promise to really listen and consider their response before you respond back to them okay?" Dr. Arnone laid out a path for the conversation. She knew having Bernie think about it ahead of time would help her say what she needed to say without getting overly emotional. Bernie just nodded.
"They should be here in a few minutes. Why don't we both spend that time thinking about what we're going to say, okay?"
"Okay," Bernie said as she pulled her feet up into the chair, sitting cross-legged with her arms folded in front of her.
Dr. Arnone, realized this posture was an unconscious attempt by Bernie to protect herself from whatever emotional pain might be headed her way but she didn't bother calling her out on it like she normally would. The girl had every right to be nervous.
Ten minutes later there was a knock at the office door. "Come in," Dr. Arnone called.
The door opened and Jane and Maura walked in. The psychologist got up and went over to greet them. Extending her hand to Jane she said, "Detective Rizzoli it's good to see you again."
"Good to see you too Doctor, and Jane is fine." Jane replied, shaking the doctor's hand while looking over her shoulder at the clearly nervous girl huddled in one of the arm chairs in the office.
The doctor was not affronted by Jane's distracted response, understanding that Jane was just concerned about her foster daughter. "Jane then, and please call me Elizabeth, or Liz."
Turning to Maura she gave the ME a quick hug, "Maura, how have you been? It's been a while since we had a chance to catch up." Maura and Elizabeth had attended BCU together before Maura went off to medical school and Elizabeth perused a doctorate in psychology. They had corresponded occasionally since then and would get together even more infrequently.
"I've been good busy adjusting to family life." Maura said, returning the hug. Her attention, like Jane's was focused on Bernie.
Seeing this, Dr. Arnone dropped the pleasantries and got down to business. "Please, take a seat," she said, indicating a couple of empty chairs around the coffee table.
When the three of them were seated she began, "I asked you to come in because Bernie has something she's been wanting to discuss with you but she is a little nervous about it. I thought it might help if I were here to...facilitate the conversation." She had been about to say "moderate" but thought that might set a confrontational tone.
"Okay," Jane said drawing the word out just a little.
Maura, reached over and placed her hand on Bernie's knee. "Sweetheart, I hope you know you can talk to us about anything and we won't get mad or upset." Bernie, gave the slightest of nods.
Dr. Arnone, watched this interaction carefully. She knew a lot of foster parents would say something like this just to look good in front of her. That wasn't the vibe she was getting off of Maura, nor did it seem like Bernie doubted what Maura had said.
Bernie's problem wasn't so much that she thought Jane and Maura would get mad at her as that she was afraid to hear what they might say about her future.
"Bernie," the psychologist prompted the young woman, "why don't you ask Jane and Maura your question."
Bernie looked up at Jane and Maura and then back down at her hands she was trembling and when she spoke her voice was shaky. "I, um, I was wondering, I mean guess you don't have to tell me but I'd kind of like to know...it's just you know it's hard not knowing."
Jane and Maura watched with rising confusion and alarm as their normally calm and rational foster daughter fell to pieces before their eyes. Finally, Jane couldn't take it anymore and went to kneel next to the girl's chair. Wrapping her arms around her and rubbing her back she said, "Hey, hey, take a breath. Whatever it is I promise it's going to be okay."
By this time, Maura had joined them kneeling on the other side of Bernie's chair and gently brushing her hair off of her face, "Jane's right honey, just take your time and ask us whatever it is you want to know. I promise we will answer to the best of our ability."
Quietly observing this scene, Dr. Arnone couldn't help but smile. She had a very good feeling that everything was going to work out for Bernie.
Bernie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then she tried again. "I was wondering...are you thinking about maybe adopting us, all of us, Bobby, and Bry, and me?"
"Oh sweetheart," Jane exclaimed, laying her hand on Bernie's cheek and gently rubbing away a tear with her thumb. "Is that what has you so upset? You think that Maura and I don't want you and your siblings or that we just want Bobby or Bry but not all of you?"
"Well you never said anything about adopting any of us and you seemed so upset this morning when you found out we had to wait another month to find out if we have any living relatives. I thought maybe you were sick of taking care of us...or, or just me."
Jane was so stunned for a moment she couldn't say or do anything. Then she looked over and saw tears filling Maura's eyes. She stood up pulling both Bernie and Maura into a tight hug.
"Bernie, I am so sorry. We really screwed up. Of course we want to adopt you and Bobby and Bryleigh. You guys are the best. We love all of you and we would never think of separating you. Your brother and sister need you. Who else can tell them about their biological parents."
It was Bernie's turn to be stunned into silence. Finally she squeaked out, "Really!?" The hope in her expression made Dr. Arnone smile. "But you never said anything? I figured you didn't want us...or at least not me."
Jane, shook her head, "God, I am such an idiot!"
"Now Jane. It wasn't just you, I agreed with you." Maura said trying to assuage some of the guilt she knew Jane felt for having caused Bernie so much distress.
Jane flashed her wife a grateful smile, "I know sweetheart but it was my idea." Jane turned back to Bernie to explain. "I'm so sorry, baby, at first it just felt too soon to say anything. We knew we wanted to adopt you guys after a week but at that point you barely even knew us. I was afraid you'd think we were trying to replace your parents."
Bernie, who had been hanging on Jane's every word, said "I guess that makes sense...but then why were you so upset this morning about DCF's screwup with the search for our relatives." She paused looking small and vulnerable then said, "I thought maybe you were upset because you felt obligated to keep us, or me, for another month but you didn't really want to."
"Oh honey no!" Maura exclaimed, grabbing Bernie's hand, giving it a powerful squeeze and looking her in the eye. "I was upset because we were so close to being able to put in our application to adopt the three of you and now we're going to have to wait another month. The waiting is so hard."
Bernie nodded her agreement with that last statement.
Smilingly broadly Dr. Arnone said, "Well, I guess that went about as well as could be hoped."
Bernie flashed her an abashed grin. "Go ahead and say it. You told me so!" She chuckled, happy to have been wrong.
Dr Arnone, put her hand to her chest in a gesture of mock innocence. "I would never say that!"
All four women burst out laughing at the implied, "even if it is true."