0o0o0o0o00o0o0
clearing the air.
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I woke up and my ankle was just throbbing. I rang the bell and everybody came, rubbing their eyes blearily. I got Zuko to carry me down to the lounge room so I can be closer to everybody. He offered to show me how he makes sun poppy tea (he was just about to make me one). He sat next to me and started cutting up sun poppies really finely on the coffee table. I had a bossy moment. (Unbeknownst to me- Sokka has introduced everyone to the concept of my bossy moments. I had them frequently in the south pole. It is futile to argue with me in a bossy moment). Anyway this bossy moment arose because Zuko was chopping directly on the polished wood without a chopping board. You can't do that. He made a face, but got a chopping board.
Sokka went out with Suki to get me some of those little bakes pastries filled with fruit filling (I am partial to the mango flavoured ones). Toph was sitting next to me, just silently. She was awake early for her (normally she likes a lie in) and has sort of dozed back to sleep with her head in my lap. Honestly between Toph and Aang, it feels like I perpetually have a small body in my lap lately. Normally I don't mind, but Toph made learning how to make sun poppy tea a bit tricky because I couldn't lean over without smushing her head and waking her up.
Toph is an expert at making an awkward lump out of herself.
Aang was sort of hovering round me and offering to fetch me this and that. I made him get the common sense stick (I'd left it down here last night) just to give him something to fetch. He was still flitting about and Zuko told him he could sit down (he actually said oh for Agni's sake sit down) and he should try and heat the water for the tea using only his breathing. Zuko started talking about how today's firebending practice was going to focus much more on breathing and control etc while he diced poppies. Aang rolled his eyes and said not breathing again! but otherwise complied. Zuko was a bit disconcerted by this and asked (a little sarcastically) if Aang wanted to stop breathing.
Aang complained that now he sounded like Jeong Jeong. Zuko made a really surprised face and asked if Aang meant Jeong Jeong the Deserter soundingvaguely awed. Aang explained that Jeong Jeong was the first person to try and teach him firebending, but he had only made Aang breathe and it had been really boring. But Zuko had immediately started to teach him 'proper' firebending and Aang thought he wouldn't have to worry about breathing and all that other boring stuff again. Zuko looked a little worried. He said that Jeong Jeong was one of the most famous firebenders ever and that he had a point about the breathing. Breathing was very important for control and the next few moves that Zuko wanted to teach Aang would require much more control, so they had to work on their breathing a little more. Aang is still trying to be a good student so he gave a long suffering sigh and said fine, breathing it is sifu hotman.
There was a time, long ago when Zuko used try and get Aang to call him anything else rather than sifu hotman. He would correct Aang and say that nobody said hotman anymore except really old people and it would be like him calling Aang a whippersnapper. Aang thought whippersnapper sounded fun – so Zuko's point was lost. To make matters worse, Aang asked if he would prefer to be called sifu Zuzu instead. Zuko declined (quiet forcefully) and has accepted his hotman fate. Still, every time Aang says hotman- Zuko's eyebrow twitches ever so slightly in irritation.
My tea lesson was being very quickly overtaken by a firebending lesson and I got a little irate about this. The boys looked a little shamefaced, and we returned to tea. Aang started breathing and the water in the tea pot began bubbling. Zuko showed me how he diced the poppies and dried them a little before putting them in the water. It's not hard really, the hardest thing I think would be drying the leaves (Zuko does this with his firebending in a second). He says you can buy them in pre-dried packs from an apothercary, but that fresh plants are more soothing.
-?-
Have drunk my tea and feel soothed.
-?-
I was feeling a bit better after a sun poppy tea and some breakfast. Sokka only ate a quarter of the mango pastry things on the way back, which shows great restraint on his part. Sokka shows his love through food. Suki shows her love by making sure that Sokka doesn't eat all the food. They are now having a canoodle somewhere (as they are wont to do). I am in the hammock with Toph and we are trying to watch the firebending practice. I have heard Zuko mention breathing 18 times already and I can see Aang's attention wandering. Aang obviously doesn't find the sight of shirtless Zuko as entrancing as I do.
It is rather distracting.
I do appreciate observing shirtless Zuko. Mmmmmmhhhhh. But Toph kept obstructing my view. Boo. She's been a little odd today. She has been my constant shadow and has trailed me everywhere. She has only made eight sarcastic comments all breakfast. Usually she is dissing out sassy comments left, right and center. Normally she loves to have both her feet on the ground too, but today she wanted to climb in the hammock with me, which is a bit unusual. She can't see anything from the hammock after all.
We've been chatting a bit about Aang and different bendings and how they feel. I told her about how water bending feels like a constant pushing and pulling and how Zuko says that firebending feels like a heartbeat and asked her how earthbending felt to her. Toph thought for a second. She said that earth bending was almost like breathing to her, it was just so natural, she just did it without thinking about it. It was a constant, warm and stable feeling, according to Toph.
Sounds nice.
I asked her why she wanted to be in the hammock with me then, rather than having her two feet on the constant, warm, stable ground. It seemed like as good a time as any to ask her. She got a bit huffy and said that she could be in the hammock if she wanted, but if I had a problem, then she'd just go. No! I wasn't saying that at all, I scooched over to allow her more room and told her she could stay.
It's just Toph has never been clingy with me.
It is weird.
-?-
I think Toph just wanted me to give her something to do. I have made Toph fan me with the fan that Suki got me. It gave us something to talk/argue about as Toph was a bit reluctant to do this. Despite her reluctance, it has made Toph seem a little better. She has made many a sarcastic comment about my demanding nature, so she is sounding like her usual self. She gets to stand with her two feet on the ground while she fans me- so she is feeling more comfortable.
I think, though I would never say this out loud, that her alternatively clingy yet disgruntled behaviour this morning, is how Toph shows concern. I know she is worried about me so I am trying to act as normal (bossy) as possible so I can reassure her that I am fine (actually feeling a little sore again, but Toph doesn't need to know this, and she can't tell now that she is on the ground and I am in the hammock). I have told her many times that I feel okay and she has made many sarcastic replies, but she says these with a little smile. I think she appreciates being given something to do, despite all her complaining.
-?-
I'm reading Love Amongst the Dragons -I gave Toph a break from fanning and got her to get it for me. I have demanded that she fan me (again) and she rolled her eyes but has affectionately complied. I have gotten quite into this book. At first it really kind of irritated me, but now I am hooked! I haven't been able to put it down! There is lots of action and drama and things exploding. Zara and Kizu are very frustrating characters! If they both just sat down and had an honest talk about their feelings none of these shenanigans would be happening. But instead, they don't talk about it like sensible people, they just dance around each other and fight each other and it is all getting ridiculous. They started on opposite sides and hated each other for no apparent reason. Then they had an uneasy alliance and all was well. Together -they fought crime!
But now that has all been ruined by stupid Zali! Zali is Zara's long longs twin sister. She has shown up only to ruin things as far as I can tell. They are identical and Kizu keeps getting them mixed up. And now he has kissed Zali thinking she was Zara. Oh noes! And boo! I felt so mad for Zara.
-?-
As soon as it was time for Toph to go and earthbend with Aang, I got Zuko to make me another tea, which he promptly brought to me. Still shirtless. Yay! If I could think up some legitimate reason to ask him to stay shirtless all day I would. But alas, all the reasons I think of sound kind of pervy in my head and I would be too embarrassed to say them out loud. I put aside Love Amongst the Dragons because I was getting a bit frustrated with it and beguiled him into staying a chatting with me.
I have become a bit demanding of Zuko. One of these demands might have been that he join me in the hammock so we can talk (ostensibly because I don't want to have to keep craning my neck to look at him. That's my reason and I'm sticking to it). And also that he give me another foot rub. Just because. No explanation necessary. He complied. We were lying top to tail and he was giving my sore foot a nice rub and it was all very sweet.
Zuko was a bit quiet/mopey and I poked him with my uninjured foot repeatedly (once almost in the face -but he moved just in time) until he told me about it. He is worried that he has gone about teaching Aang firebending all wrong and is having a small crisis of Zukoness about it. He didn't know we had met Jeong Jeong and Jeong Jeong was such a legend in the firenation – and Jeong Jeong thought Aang need to concentrate on breathing first, but Zuko had just jumped right in and started with the blocks and the fire squats etc.
I started giving him a foot rub in return. It seemed fair and his big bare feet were right there anyway. Also he seemed so tense and I thought he might find a foot rub relaxing. I certainly do. He giggled a little in surprise (he is ticklish on his feet as well) when I started, but settled down quickly.
Hadn't Aang told him about Jeong Jeong? Zuko said that for the first lesson, he asked Aang what he knew about firebending, and Aang had said nothing and seemed a little sad about it and Zuko still felt super awkward with us then and hadn't wanted to pry. He knew about Aang accidentally burning me (he gave me a really concerned look here) and had assumed that he had just tried some experimenting with firebending on his own. But now he knew that Aang's previous teacher was Jeong Jeong (who is apparently a friend of Zuko's uncle and therefore awesome and infallible) and he'd gone about teaching Aang in a totally different way. Now Zuko was sure he'd done the wrong thing. He'd just thought that Aang would be good with breathing being a meditating air nomad etc and it was all very distressing.
I told Zuko I thought he was doing a fine job. Aang had learned a lot and had gotten a real confidence boost from Zuko in the firebending department. Just because he was getting all pedantic about breathing etc now (instead of at the start) it didn't make him wrong. After Jeong Jeong – Aang had said that he never wanted to firebend again – and now he was comfortable doing it (sort of). Zuko asked me if something had happened with Jeong Jeong that he should know about.
I told him that Aang and Jeong Jeong had clashed terribly and Jeong Jeong hadn't thought Aang was ready to learn firebending and had made him do breathing/control exercises etc all the time and Aang had gotten really impatient. The first time Jeong Jeong had let Aang play with fire (Zuko corrected me and said it wasn't playing with fire- it was all very complicated etc) yes, well anyway. The first time Jeong Jeong had let Aang play with fire it hadn't gone very well. It had been one of those control exercises – he made a small fire in a leaf and Aang had to stop it from getting to the edges- Zuko said he'd tried something similar with Aang at the Western Air Temple and Aang had freaked out a little and it had taken much coaxing to get him to try it.
I told him the story of the first time Aang had accidentally burned me (there was DRAMA.) It was only an accident I said quickly upon seeing Zuko's face after I told my story. And Aang had felt terribly guilty and decided never to firebend again because of that – also because Jeong Jeong got really angry at him and wouldn't teach him anymore. But on the upside – if Aang had never burned me, I wouldn't have realized my healing abilities until way later. Zuko smiled and said I found the bright side to everything.
We switched feet.
I told him that I had quite liked Jeong Jeong, but Jeong Jeong hadn't seemed to like himself very much and bitched constantly about how terrible/destructive firebending was and how he wished he was a waterbender etc. Zuko shrugged and said he sometimes thought the same. Then he back tracked quickly upon seeing my face (I actually had just got a mental image of Zuko as a waterbender and it was disconcerting to say the least. I mean he's so firenation it's not even funny – If he got made in firenation tattooed somewhere, it would not be entirely inappropriate.) He said he didn't wish he was a waterbender or anything like that. But when he and his Uncle had been traveling through the earth kingdom and he'd seen how much suffering firebenders had caused and how many refugees were burned...he trailed off and looked away a little sadly. I don't like it when he looks sad like that, so I poked him in the ear with my big toe – so he'd look surprised and a bit irritated instead of sad. He said hey and gave the bottom of my foot a (very gentle) tickle in retaliation.
I told him not to do a Jeong Jeong on me, because the last thing that Aang needed was Zuko to start moping about how bad/destructive/terrible firebending was. Zuko said he had no desire to go live as a recluse in the woods so he wasn't going to do a Jeong Jeong any time soon. He didn't think firebending was all bad anyway. When he and Aang had met the dragons, the dragons had show him another sort of firebending. It had been glorious and warm and light. Whenever he got gloomy about firebending and training Aang, he thought about that and how beautiful he thought it was.
Zuko told me that he and Toph had been talking about different ways to train Aang simultaneously in earth and fire while I was off my feet. He wanted to know if I had any ideas because Aang does seem to learn better from me. I confessed that I knew how they felt (now) with regards to having trouble teaching Aang. This was a big admission for me because I have always felt (and frequently told Zuko and Toph) that I knew the best way to go about teaching Aang. Now, I have tried everything (oh spirits – everything) to get Aang to understand the basic underlying principles of waterbending healing and have had no luck so far. Zuko said that Aang responded far better to me and the gentle encouragement approach. He certainly didn't respond well to Zuko's stern disciplinarian approach. But this is how Zuko learned and it's the only way he knows how to teach Aang. He said that fire is really hard and he used to have to practice relentlessly to get it right. But whenever he says this to Aang, Aang doesn't seem to find it helpful and has expressed a distinct lack of enthusiasm for relentless training.
I suggested that it might be helpful for Zuko to use a different word other than relentless training. Relentless training sounds like hard work and Aang is not a big fan of that. Perhaps he could call it enthusiastic practice instead.
Zuko was considering doing that thing that Piandao did to Sokka and just randomly attacking Aang one day – just to see where he was at and how he would defend himself. I expressed concern for this plan. Zuko said that he didn't want to do it, but he might have to, just to see if Aang can preform under pressure. Err no. Aang hates pressure. Aang and pressure do not go well together. Aang runs away from pressure the same manner that Toph ran away from home when she lived in Gaoling (ie. with great frequency.)
We have had a small argument over the effectiveness of attacking Aang as a teaching technique. Zuko has agreed not to do it after many convincing arguments from me- eg Zuko could accidentally hurt him, Aang will be a sad panda, he'll run away and then we will have to spend all day looking for him and no other training will be done – there are better ways of testing how much Aang knows etc. Still he is worried that he's not preparing Aang properly to face the fatherlord– but he doesn't know what else he can do. I told him not to worry so much. He's doing his best and that's all we could ask of him. I've always believed that Aang could save the world. I'm sure that Aang will come through when the time comes. Zuko thinks it's amazing I can be so sure and just have so much faith in a goofy kid.
I don't know exactly why I believe in Aang so much, I just do. I always have.
-?-
After a while, Toph and Aang had finished training and they wandered over and climbed in the hammock with us – for no apparent reason except that they both was to constantly smush me/sit in my lap/cuddle me lately.
There were a few noisy shenanigans. Toph succeeded in putting her foot on Zuko's face as she squirmed about- he protested. There was hilarity. Sokka and Suki came out to investigate. Sokka saw Toph and Aang wiggling about in the hammock and jumped in – just to be a nuisance I think. Suki stood over us and shrugged. Sokka pulled her in. then all six of us were in the hammock and it was one big giant hammock snuggle. Zuko offered to get out and tried to escape the giant hammock cuddle but was thwarted in this by Toph. She was being an obstruction again. Also I still had his foot and I told him he should stay. Zuko said that the hammocks were only meant to support five adults. Though he had never seen five adults in one. The adults in his family aren't inclined to share hammocks -or anything else for that matter. Toph said that she and Aang put together would almost equal one adult so technically there was one almost adult and four teenagers in the hammock and she thought it would be okay.
We are really testing how sturdy these hammocks are.
Zuko made a comment about how our hammock was more crowded that the lower ring in Ba Sing Se.
Aang started talking at length about how he couldn't believe we'd all been in Ba Sing Se at the same time and what a huge coincidence it was and how weird it was that we had never run into each other once in all that time. Zuko shrugged and said it was a big city. Suki had never been to the city and wanted to know what it was like.
Sokka, Aang and I filled her in on the basics of living in the upper ring and how they had provided us with a house etc but had watched us all the time. It had all been very posh but very weird. Toph expostulated loudly that she hated Ba Sing Se and its walls and rules and complained at length about the city and how she hoped we never went to another place like it. Zuko was a bit surprised that Toph had hated it so much, because he thought we were all living the high life in the upper ring. Toph said a few derogatory things about the high life in Ba Sing Se and regaled Zuko with a few tales of the snobs we encountered, the Joo Dee's we avoided, and the rules we broke and about how she'd accidentally collapsed the west wall in our house in her enthusiasm for said rule breaking.
She asked Zuko if the firenation capital was full of rules/spies/restrictions like Ba Sing Se, because obviously she'd have to take that into consideration if she was going to grace Zuko with her presence after the war (she said this very aristocratically and it was kind of cute). Zuko smiled and said that she could have free reign as long as she promised not to break his palace the same way she'd broken our house. Toph has magnanimously agreed to this condition.
Suki turned to Zuko and asked where he was when all this house/rule breaking was going on and he said that he'd been living in the lower ring most of the time and he hadn't even known we were in the upper ring until Aang dropped a giant stack of flyers. There I was, minding my own business, trying to start a new life and forget about chasing the lot of you and BAM – Lost Flying Bison. If found: Contact the AVATAR with your address and directions to your house and what hours you all were normally home. He turned to Aang and said that wasn't so smart Aang. He went on about how raining down flyers was just asking for trouble and trouble seems to find Aang well enough on its own without Aang putting out advertisements and encouraging it.
Sokka made a sad face at him and said in high pitched voice (like a jilted girl scolding her boyfriend): you knew where we were the whole time and you never called, you never wrote. Sokka was lying next to me and I was unsurprised when Zuko poked him in the ear with his foot in response. Sokka retaliated. A small foot nudging fight broke out between the boys. The hammock swayed alarmingly. The boys desisted. Zuko said that he might've bothered us, but there were about 27 million walls and guarded checkpoints between the lower ring and the upper ring and he wasn't chasing us then and was trying to keep out of trouble for his Uncle's sake. Obviously keeping out of trouble hadn't worked out so great for him, but still, it is the thought that counts.
Suki asked what he'd been doing in the lower ring anyway and he explained about fake identities and posing as refugees and working as a waiter in a teashop and how his day had consisted of getting snacks/drinks for people who needed them. Toph's ears perked up and she said she was a bit thirsty, Aang piped up that he was feeling a bit hungry, Sokka said he was hungry and thirsty, Suki said she wouldn't mind a tea. And they all turned and looked at Zuko. It took him two seconds to get what they were asking and he said Oh hell no! Get your own. Sokka pointed out that he had bought me all and sundry snacks and drinks etc yesterday without complaint and Zuko shot back that I was injured and Sokka was a berk. Sokka breezily replied that he was a berk who was hungry and thirsty and really wanted some dumplings. Maybe a kebab. Or some jerky. And definitely a watermelon juice. I brightened at the mention of watermelon juice. It is very tasty. I wanted one myself. Zuko sighed in a very long suffering manner, climbed over Toph and got up and said okay, two watermelon juices, what else?
Zuko ended up bringing out a giant pile of sandwiches and dumplings which he balanced on one hand, while the carried like three different teas in the other. He gave the teas to Aang and Toph and Suki (a little unceremoniously) and gave Sokka the plate of snacks. He returned with two watermelon juices (one for me- yay!) and a mango juice for himself. He was a bit reluctant to joint the giant hammock group snuggle again after he'd manage to escape it. He pulled up a chair and sat next to us. Sokka took a big sip of his juice and said Zuko was the best waiter he'd ever had. Zuko made a sarcastic face is his direction and Sokka said that he hoped Zuko didn't make that face at all the customers who paid his waiting skills a compliment.
Aang asked what the lower ring was like because we'd never been allowed down there unsupervised. Zuko said it wasn't so bad once you got used to it. His Uncle had loved it, working in a tea shop and living a simple life. Zuko said he thought he could have been happy there. Toph was most doubtful/sarcastic about this claim. But Zuko shrugged and said it was the first time in his life where he hadn't had any responsibility aside from making sure that the tea he served was hot and he'd hated it at first, but then it was kind of nice and he started to really enjoy it.
Aang wanted to know what had happened. If he had enjoyed it so much and was trying to stay out of trouble etc how he ended up in the crystal catacombs with me. He shot me and Zuko an odd look when he said this. Zuko said one day his uncle had been offered a tea shop and an apartment in the upper ring because apparently his tea was just that awesome. Zuko had thought there was something weird about that because good things didn't tend to happen to Zuko and his Uncle, as a general rule. And he'd been right because Azula had found them a few days later and Zuko thought she'd been behind the whole teashop/apartment deal. They'd been officially invited to serve tea to the king but when they got to the palace, Azula was there and there was DRAMA and he'd ended up being caught by the Dai Lee.
He still wasn't quite sure how Azula had found them – Zuko's main theory was just that she has evil genius powers of finding people. Suki has voiced her agreement about Azula's evil powers, (apparently she can also tell when you are lying and can smell fear.) Zuko said we should never underestimate her because he and his Uncle had been so careful and she'd still found them, even in a city as big as Ba Sing Se.
Aang got a bit worried that she could find us here before he was ready. Zuko said that it shouldn't be a problem if we were very careful and he gave Aang a pointed look. Aang still looked a bit worried and Zuko changed his tone and said, much more reassuringly, that this was probably the safest place for us because she wouldn't think to look here and she wouldn't want to come here anyway. She hates this place. Aang seemed somewhat comforted by this.
Zuko collected our cups and took them into the kitchen and I watched him walk away and felt this really strange flutter in my stomach. Not the normal good indigestion sort of flutter that I'm getting used to. This was a different flutter.
I know how she found them.
It was me who turned them in after all.
When he came back I couldn't even look Zuko in the face. I felt weird. Toph was lying next to me and she sat up and looked at me with this concerned look on her face and asked if I was feeling okay. Damn Toph's earthbendy-senses! I said I was tired and wanted a nap and some alone time. They all believed me. Mostly I just wanted to get away from everybody. I can't wander away and have a mope now, so a nap is just as good a way of being alone with my thoughts. Zuko asked if I wanted to nap here or nap in my room and I have opted for the hammock.
Everybody else climbed out (quite awkwardly -Toph kept falling back on top of me and Sokka had to lift her out) and I have the hammock to myself.
-?-
The others did a good job of leaving me alone and keeping their distance while I 'napped' but my "fatigue"/grumpiness has worried Zuko somewhat. He came over to bother me and to ask if I was feeling okay. He put his warm hand on my forehead to check if I had a fever. I don't have a fever. I didn't want him to be all friendly and concerned about me right at that moment. I just said that I was feeling all done in and wanted some quiet time alone. He has told me that I should ring if I need anything.
-?-
I should just tell him that it was me. I don't lie to him about important things after all. But I am worried that he'll get mad and cranky with me, or even worse, he'll make his sad panda face and abscond and go have a mope somewhere and I won't be able to chase after him with my ankle the way it is at the moment. I'm worried he won't like me as much when he knows.
-?-
I shouldn't feel so badly about this. He chased us everywhere! For so long we had to worry about him trying to catch Aang. We saw him once every week for months! And then nothing for ages and then that abandoned town and then nothing and then he turns up in Ba Sing Se. What was I supposed to think? It's not like I did it on purpose. I thought I was telling Suki after all. It would be unreasonable of him to get mad about this.
-?-
Zuko is prone to bouts of unreasonableness.
-?-
When Zuko came back, it was to have another look at my ankle. I could try waterbending healing now, if I was feeling up to it. He'd bought a big bowl of warm water and some fresh bandages. He pulled a chair up near the hammock and I scooted to the edge and I put my foot in his lap. He took off the bandages and the poultice. I bended some of the water on the cut to clean it out. I held my palm flat against it and tried to heal it. I couldn't do much for it now. Scorpidillo bites are funny things. All the poison has been drawn out by the poultice, but my ankle had still swelled up. I could only soothed the swelling a little bit. I couldn't even heal the cut over (old cuts are much harder to heal than fresh ones).
This has made Zuko a bit sad. It actually brought me out of my guilty funk to see him sad. I told him I'd poke him with my toe in his ear again (he hadn't liked that) if he didn't tell me what the matter was. He said really quietly that he was so sorry and I was probably going to have a scar and he felt really bad about that. He started rewrapping my ankle and that sentence just hung between us. He is sensitive about scars after all. I reached forward really awkwardly (hammocks are awkward!) and gave his shoulder a squeeze and told him not to worry. It was a miniscule cut on my ankle. It'd heal over and I wouldn't even notice it, but if it really bothered him he could make me some more anklets to cover it over- voila problem solved. He smiled slightly.
I felt like I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. It would be dishonest of me to not tell him. There was a question I wanted to ask him first and I just came right out with it.
Did he really mean what he said about being happy in Ba Sing Se?
He seemed a bit surprised by the question. He said that he wasn't sure, he hadn't been happy very often before Ba Sing Se after all. But his Uncle had loved it and he'd been glad to see his Uncle so happy and well settled. Ba Sing Se had been such a novelty for him and he thought that he could have gotten used to a life without obligations and duties. I said I didn't think it would have made him happy in the long run (more to justify my actions to myself I guess – but in all honesty Zuko is not one to shirk his responsibilities and he would have missed having them I think). He said that I was probably right but it didn't matter anyway now. He concentrated on tying up the loose end of the bandage and tied it off and looked back up at me. He wanted to know why I was asking anyway.
I launched into a lengthy rant/explanation.
I just blurted out that I had accidentally walked into their teashop one day and I had seen them and I was the one who turned him and his Uncle over to Azula. But she had tricked me because she had dressed up like Suki and I didn't know it was her. I just thought he should know – she didn't have evil genius powers- she was just wily. And he shouldn't be mad at me about that... because he'd been chasing us for so long and... what was I meant to think.
At this point I launched into an ill-advised bout of self righteousness about his various misdeeds when he was chasing us and how I had just thought that he was still chasing us when I saw him in the city and he shouldn't be mad. (this was probably the third time I said that he shouldn't be mad and I was half worried that he was going to say the he wasn't mad, just disappointed again.) I got to the end of my rant and there was just this big giant pause. He didn't say anything (that was worse.) He just looked at me and blinked twice and then he got up abruptly and said excuse me and left. It's the first time since I got bitten that he hasn't said to ring if I need anything.
-?-
I can't believe I am going to write this. I miss Zuko. He's buggered off and I can't chase after him and this is the worst thing about having to stay off your feet. Now I think he's mad at me and I hate that feeling. If he were here -I'd take back my ill advised bout of self righteousness. I didn't mean any of it and it wasn't fair to throw all his past misdeeds in his face like that. I can't stop thinking about that look of just hurt that past over his face when I was talking – but I couldn't seem to stop myself. All I meant by it was that he shouldn't be mad at me. Now I haven't see him for three hours and if I ring the bell I get one of the others.
-?-
I am reading Love Amongst the Dragons again to distract myself from all these thoughts that are flying around my head.
-?-
Rang the bell again. Got Sokka. We got into a conversation about Love Amongst the Dragons and I told him about my various feelings about Zara and Zali and Kizu and the great ball and Zali's newly acquired dragon powers (err what the hell? I did not see that coming). Sokka said that he knew I would enjoyed it and got excited about the next chapter and said – you won't believe what happens, I cried.
He asked if I needed anything. No, not at moment. I asked, really casually – I like to play it cool after all- if he'd seen Zuko recently. Sokka raised an eyebrow and said he was somewhere about the place. I asked (still casually) how he had seemed and Sokka said he seemed vaguely grumpy and a bit mopey but that was usual for Zuko. Yes, but was he more grumpy and mopey than usual today? I asked (still casually). Sokka said the grumpiness and the mopey-ness seemed at normal Zuko levels. He asked if we had a fight. I have denied this a bit vehemently (alas- I lost the casual aura I had been maintaining). We're not fighting at all – don't be silly- why would Sokka think that we were fighting. Sokka asked if I wanted him to get Zuko for me. (yes!) I said No quite forcefully. No, that's not necessary. Zuko knew where to find me and he'd come and see me if he wanted to – so no, thanks anyway Sokka, but no. The last thing I need is to get Sokka involved.
-?-
Sokka has taken it upon himself to get involved.
He went to look for Zuko but couldn't find him. He has reported this back to me. Sokka has decided to keep looking and he' ll keep an eye out for him and send him my way when he sees him. I have protested that Sokka doesn't need to do that. It is really unnecessary and also a bit stalky. Sokka raised an eyebrow at my stalky comment. His mouth quirked up and the sides – the way it does when he thinks he is about to say something really hilarious- I knew I would not like whatever he was about to say. I smacked him with Love Amongst the Dragons and said that whatever he was about to say he could bloody well keep to himself. Sokka's face went through a variety of contortions but by some miracle he managed to keep his joke in.
-?-
Sokka has just gone and found Suki and Toph. They had a small whispered conversation – Sokka's face did that quirky thing it does when he is saying something he thinks is exceptionally funny. Suki fell about laughing. Toph was beside herself with giggles and actually rolled about on the ground she was laughing so hard. I am glaring at all of them from my hammock.
-?-
Toph has wandered over and asked if I wanted her to look for Zuko too – or would that be too stalky? She said this very cheekily and is now standing out of range of the common sense stick while I valiantly attempt to whack her with it.
I feel that everybody is having fun at my expense.
-?-
Aang has come over and presented me with a huge bunch of firelilies. He has spent all afternoon picking them and has (thankfully) been spared Sokka's hilarious joke at my expense. I managed not to visibly recoil from the lilies (Oh, but the urge to lean back away from them was so strong). I schooled my features and said thank you graciously and kept my cool. I just told Aang to put them in a vase in the kitchen for me. Aang has gone off to do this. There is much clattering from the kicthen that I assume is Aang looking for a vase.
-?-
Toph found Zuko. He was on the cliff with all the boulders apparently. She has escorted him back to the courtyard and they appeared on the other side of it. I waved (casually- totally casually) and they started wandering over. Toph expostulated loudly that I had been asking after him all afternoon (patently untrue!)so he better talk to me and fix whatever he'd done wrong now. Then she scurried off, looking pleased with herself.
Zuko sighed and his shoulders slumped a little and he wandered over. I was just about to launch into my apology but he held up his hand and said he had something to say. But then he didn't say anything and just crossed his arms and looked off for a second before turning back to me.
He said (really quietly and to the ground) that he couldn't take any of it back, he would if he could – but what's done is done. He couldn't undo all the things he had done. He was really sorry and he'd apologized so many times and he didn't think it was fair that I had thrown it all back in his face. I cut him off there because I couldn't contain my interruption any longer. I said that this time, I was the one who was really sorry and I had been most unreasonable and he hadn't deserved my ill advised bout of self righteousness at all and I didn't meant any of it. I was just trying to prove that I had reasons for thinking he was my enemy in Ba Sing Se and I just hadn't wanted him to be mad at me and I was really sorry and I would never mention Ba... He cut me off and looked really, incredibly confused and asked if I was apologizing to him?
Obviously! I had literally just apologized to him a second ago– were we in the same conversation. Apparently not. He was still looking confused. He asked So... I'm not in the wrong this time? I reassured him that I wasn't mad at him and I hoped he wasn't mad at me about either that whole turning him over to Azula thing or my ill advised bout of self righteousness. He shrugged and said he had been a bit surprised by the Azula thing, but he couldn't really be mad about it for all the previously stated reasons. Then he waffled, blathered, blithered (adorably) that if he had been me and had run into him back in Ba Sing Se, he wouldn't have been happy to see him either. He wondered out loud about how if he was me in this scenario – would I be him? He was doing that blabbering thing he does when he's nervous. I find it endlessly dorky and endearing at the same time.
To stop the tidal waves of words -I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the hammock with me. I told him I really was sorry about it (again) and he said he accepted my apology. He asked if I really wasn't mad at him again. I haven't done anything you're mad about? I said I was a bit upset that he'd absconded all afternoon and asked him what had he been doing. He pulled out a half made anklet from his pocket and handed it over for my inspection. It was a thin long piece of leather that had been intricately woven for about a quarter of its length. He said that he had thought I was really mad at him and we were going to fight about Ba Sing Se (again). He'd wanted to apologize (again) and also make me an anklet for when my bandage comes off and so he'd started this for me. He hadn't had a chance to finish it, because Toph had found him and dragging him back here.
According to Toph, I have apparently been asking for him non-stop and sending other people to go find him etc. all afternoon. I have refuted Toph's claims. I have done no such thing.
I was really touched that he'd half made me an anklet and I said so as I handed it back to him. He said softly that he really just wanted us to finally put Ba Sing Se behind us. I said I wanted to put it behind us as well and I promised I didn't hold what happened there against him anymore. I had been mad and felt betrayed when it happened because I couldn't understand why he would choose Azula over us. Actually I still didn't understand. I asked him and he played with the leather for a little bit before saying he wasn't so much choosing Azula over us, but it had been more about going home.
He said he'd been so young when he'd been banished and he had never been away from home before then. He'd been super homesick for most for his banishment. Azula gave him the chance to go home and have his honor restored and earn his father's respect and love. That had been all he thought he wanted. He said that he thought, in the end, it had been a good thing. I protested . He explained. He'd needed to go home if only so that he could realize that he didn't want or need Ozai's love and respect. He'd realized how much he'd changed and what the firenation was really like. He'd had a really idealized view of his home as a kid and it was only after traveling everywhere and seeing so much and then returning home that he was able the see things for how they really were (ie. really messed up). He said that If I'd never gone back, I probably would have always wondered, but now he was more sure than he'd ever been about anything - that helping us was the right thing to do. I told him that I could see his point. We have snuggled a little and made friends again.
Aang came out, firelilies in hand, still looking for a vase. He seemed a little surprised that Zuko was in the hammock with me. Zuko has gotten up now to go help Aang find a vase.
-?-
I am thinking about homes and going home and what what it would be like to go home again and see it with new eyes. Sometimes I have a vague longing for the South Pole, for snow and carved wood. But I know home is going to seem totally different to me when I go back. I am actually beginning to feel like everyone here is my home. My home is moveable. It is wherever Sokka and Zuko and Aang and Toph and Suki are.
They are my home.
-?-
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Authors notes: long and rambly notes
Lovely readers you have reached the end of Clearing the Air. Congratulations and I hope you enjoyed it. Huge thank you to all my brilliant reviewers! You are all kinds of wonderful. I'm sorry I've been a slack updater! I'm heading into a uni assessment period and so real life has gotten a bit hectic for me. Updates might be a bit slower for October but I promise you I am still writing this baby! I have it all planned out! But this is the first time I have had a chance to write in a few days! Alas!
But I have written you an extra long chapter (it was originally two chapters – but I smushed them together for you!) but they both have a similar feeling of clearing the air of past misunderstandings.
I think that Toph for all her outward toughness would be a bit shaken about the idea of anything happening to Katara. Katara is a real replacement maternal figure for her. Of course Toph would never say this and admit to being worried or scared, but she becomes a bit snuggly. Katara senses right that this is how Toph shows concern for her and also that Toph needs to be given something to do. Toph is a very practical and hands-on person and would find a job – any job- helpful. Katara makes her fan her and there are shenanigans, but she is able to reassure Toph that she is fine and so Toph feels a little better and resumes her usual Tophness.
The first bit of the chapter focuses on different philosophies of bending again. A while ago I was watching the Jeong Jeong episode with a friend (I have introduced her to the series – but she is only watching one every couple of days. I predict her self control will lapse around the end of season two.) anyway I was bumming around at hers and she was up to the jeong jeong episode. It struck me that fire is the only element where Aang has two different instructors who clearly disagree. Katara and Pakku seem to have a similar view on water bending. Gender politics not so much. But with water bending they both espouse that it takes hard work and dedication etc. but both of them enjoy being waterbenders.
Jeong Jeong, on the other hand, hates being a firebender and is very woe-is-me-fire-only-destroys-etc and is very disparaging and discouraging towards Aang. The Jeong Jeong incident is a HUGE blow to Aang's confidence and understandably so. Zuko on the other hand, while he feels conflicted about his firebending on occasions, actually enjoys being a firebender and takes pride in it. I think, especially after the dragon episode that he can see the beauty in firebending. I think he would have been a lot more encouraging to Aang. He would have perhaps over estimated Aang's abilities and started pretty quickly with what Aang considered 'proper' firebending- stuff with actually fire. But this gives Aang the confidence boost he needs to break his 'I'll never firebend again' crisis of Aangness.
But I realized after watching the episode that no one ever tells Zuko about Jeong Jeong as far as I can tell. He wasn't in that episode (alas) and I think Aang would have been trying to put Jeong Jeong behind him – so if Zuko asked if he knew anything about firebending, Aang would say nothing. Jeong Jeong is famous in the firenation and I think when Zuko found out that he was Aang's previous teacher and he had taken a totally different approach to teaching Aang -Zuko would worry that he had taught Aang all wrong. Aang is the first person he's ever taught after all. The firenation seem big on respect for elders etc and Zuko would think that as an elder, Jeong Jeong would probably know better than him.
Ultimately I think Zuko is actually a better teacher because he works with Aang and has high expectations of him. Jeong Jeong, while a very talented firebender, sets up such low expectations for Aang. He expects that Aang will fail and unsurprisingly Aang does. In my course we are taught that our expectations for our students will often become self fulfilling. If you expect a child to fail and this is evident in your attitude and teaching style, that will be a huge blow to that kid's confidence and increase the likelihood of that child not trying, failing etc.
Zuko just needed Katara to reassure him of his teaching skills etc and also I wanted them to give each other foot rubs and so I made it happen! I also wanted to float the idea that Katara knows about the whole attacking a student to test them firenation tradition and that she knew that Zuko was contemplating it. Considering she'd been all death-threaty about any attacks made on Aang's person a few episodes before - When Zuko does it in Sozin's comet- she has a remarkable chilled out attitude (for Katara) towards it. She is just angry that he could have hurt Aang which I think would be her main protest against the practice.
The hammocks are big enough for the six of them. Because I say so. Everyone hops in one together and has a big of a snuggle because this chapter needed some entire ganng interaction. Also they'd never talked about Ba Sing Se as a group and I wasn't sure if everyone was aware that they had all been in the same city for ages. Zuko's not quite comfortable with the group snuggle (he's a one on one snuggler and all) and is also called upon to be a waiter again. He is a bit reluctant to be a waiter for the others. But isn't it funny that when Katara pipes up that she wouldn't mind a juice -he suddenly becomes all about the juice fetching.
I just think they needed to clear the air a bit about Ba Sing Se. for all the Gaang know, Zuko and Iroh could have turned up in the city the day before they got captured. I don't think they knew that Zuko stopped chasing them etc and was living in the city and (eventually) trying to start over. Aang's flyer would have been the first time Zuko realized the Gaang were in the city. What do flyers about lost animals always have – contact details. But Zuko never bothers them or even does a Jet and lightly stalk them. I think all the rings were kept very much separate and were rigidly guarded. It does seem like they were hiding the steady constant stream of refugees in the lower ring so that nobody in the middle and upper ring would be aware there was that whole war going on. It would have been much harder for someone from the lower ring to ascend to the upper ring normally. But even when Zuko moves to the upper ring, he doesn't bother the Gaang (though this is after his 'metamorphosis' or whatever that was.) I actually hand wave that whole metamorphosis thing because I have no idea what the frak is going on there.
Anyway I think that he knew how to find the gaang for a fair while and didn't act on it directly (he did go and try to pinch Appa which was not a clever moment for our boy- Iroh has a point – what would they do with an eight tonne flying bison). Aang advertising his whereabouts all over the city isn't the smartest thing, but it didn't bite him in the arse in Ba Sing Se. so yay- I guess. Anyway, I think Aang/ganng didn't have a clear understanding of how divided the city was and how even if someone in the lower ring knew where Appa was – it wouldn't be a simple matter for them to pass the walls and come up and see Aang in the upper ring. The walls actually remind me a bit of the Berlin wall. Berlin was a city divided and you couldn't cross that wall easily at all.
Anyway, I thought we were well due for a big clearing of the air on Ba Sing Se.
I wanted Zuko and Katara to have a bit of a talk about it and finally be able to put it behind them and I think for that to happen, Katara would have to have a better understanding of why he choose Azula then. I think she's forgiven him by this point, but she just doesn't understand why and the why is important. I also think that she should have something that she felt she needed to apologize for (which is unusual for Katara.) This is mostly to even out their conversation- if Katara didn't apologize for some things every now and again then it's just Zuko apologizing profusely all the time and I don't think that is fair to him.
For Zuko, Azula just turns up and he would be a bit unsure about how she found him. He has come to the conclusion that she is an evil genius. I think Katara would not have told him previously about how she told Azula where he was. This is the first time she's felt really guilty about something she's done to him. Her apology at the start of this fic was more a friendship-smoothing-over apology rather than an I-screwed-up-and-hurt-you apology. She gets a bit awkward around him and he doesn't make it any easier by being so nice to her. Then she completely kooks up what was going to be her apology (but she doesn't mention serial killers thankfully) and turns it into an ill advised bout of self righteousness. I actually think ill advised bouts of self righteousness might be a default mode for Katara when she is feeling a little nervous/challenged. She doesn't intentionally throw everything back in his face, but she does – and it makes everything worse.
Zuko buggers off because he honestly doesn't know what to do anymore. He can't believe she's yelling at him about Ba Sing Se (again) after everything and he's starting to wonder how many time she is going to have to apologize. He wants some alone mopey time. While he's having a mope, he start to feel guilty all over again. Zuko feels pretty consistently guilty about Ba Sing Se after all and he knows he really screwed up there. So he thinks that he has to apologize again.
It is actually her ill advise bout of self righteousness that really hurts his feelings more than anything. It makes him a sad panda. I think he would have been willing to let her dobbing them into Azula slide – given the circumstances. But her ranting at him (again) about his various misdeeds would have really hurt. I think Katara can see this and would learn from this and never bring it up again. I think they really just needed to have an honest heart to heart about what happened, so that they can finally move beyond Ba Sing Se. I think a conversation like this would have happened at some point, with Zuko trying to explain why he'd chosen Azula. I think he was more choosing the idea of home that she represented rather than choosing Azula herself. Now Katara knows some of the things he was thinking and it helps her understand him a little better.
YMMV on everything by the way!
I think Zuko would also be a sad panda about Katara having a scar because of him. He is sensitive about scars after all. She made an offhand comment about how another anklet would make it all better so he starts making one while he mopes. It's like hitting two apologies with one anklet almost. Katara is very touched.
Katara thinks she is so sly when she 'casually' asks about Zuko's whereabouts. She is not being as sly and casual as she thinks she is. Sokka has thoughts. Many thoughts. Which he will share with Zuko next chapter. Also Sokka is not trying to a be jerk when he makes fun of Katara and her stalky comment- (or when he teases Zuko about being a waiter – I think a certain amount of teasing is part of their bromance). Mostly Katara is just being too hilarious from Sokka's point of view and he has to tell Suki and Toph. Sokka is a big fan of friendly teasing after all.
We will get snippets of Love Amongst the Dragons from Katara's POV- it is exceptionally soapy and ridiculous. I think one reviewer call it shakespeare meets jane austen – this is true, if both shakespeare and jane austen were drunk and on an extreme sugar rush and had spent the last few weeks watching truly dreadful soap operas at the time that they wrote it. In this chapter there is a dreaded love triangle in love amongst the dragons – mostly because I'm not a huge fan of love triangles. Or long lost twin siblings appearing for that matter.
If you have made it to the end of this the I have so much mad love for you! Thanks for reading lovely readers! Reviewers always make me smile so if you feel the urge to send a smile my way – don't fight it! give in to the urge!
The next chapter will feature Sokka getting a little big brotherly in his Sokka way and more shenanigans with Love Amongst the Dragons.
Til then lovely readers...