Tori sat down on the kitchen table with her earplugs, and loud music playing. She had a notebook with her, and a very big mug full of coffee. It was a half past three, and she was the only one awake in the house. The streets were dark, and she knew she had at least a few hours of peace and quiet before her Dad woke up to go to work. She unlocked her cellphone, opening his contact. There was one text from him, and three followed by her. She tried again.

To: Beck

I don't know if you went to sleep, or you're just ignoring me. I miss you.

Losing almost all hope for an answer, she went back to focusing on the songs. She had downloaded all of them, and created a playlist in the exact order. She knew she could be reading too much into it, but it was hard for her to believe those were random songs.

She remembered their agreement, on giving each other a few songs, so they would have some they liked in common. Initially she thought it was just that, but once the lyrics of the first one hit her, she knew he hadn't chosen them just because they sounded good.

She restarted the playlist, opening the lyrics to the song to read it as she heard it. She opened the notebook to a blank page, and wrote down the verse.

"It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss"

Next to it she wrote down the names 'Cecilia' and 'Tripp'. She knew the starting point to all of the wonders and tension between them was the ancient over analyzed, almost kiss years before. But if he was on the same page about them as she was, they both had to admit the thing that triggered the many events between them was the fake kiss. The one Tori tried so hard to believe that meant nothing.

"Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go"

She paused the song, wanting to write down those lyrics, knowing now for sure they were associated with her past relationship. And as the song hit it climax, she didn't if whether to keep going or give up. She could analyze the songs as much as she wanted, that wouldn't change the fact that he was probably Pixie's arms right there and then.

She hit the play button again. 'He sent it for a reason', she reassured herself. The song ended, marking the very rocky start of their so far non-existing relationship. She had written down a lot of hurt, and mistakes that at the time didn't seem so big. The second song started.

The beat was strong, and it didn't even need words to affect her. It was also a reminder of why he always made sure to tell her about his superior taste in music. Although she still didn't agree, that song was one hell of an argument. But once the words started, she was completely pulled out of the rhythm, and left to wonder how perfectly he had chosen the song.

"I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Spilling drinks on my settee"

She thought about him not smoking, and how they started sneaking around to sleep with each other. Even though nothing would happen. She thought about their walks after everyone else's curfew, and the sweater she had yet to return.

"Crawling back to you
Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?
'Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I've thought it through"

The after-party, when she left him for Ryder, again. She was always a big believer that when you're drunk your true self is revealed, of course that was another thing she had been denying for months.

"I'm sorry to interrupt. It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don't know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together if you wanted to"

She opened a bittersweet smile, and before she knew it, the song was over.

The third song was harder for her to understand, she felt as if he had gotten way to deep and was asking her to interpret the song just like she was in an English class. Many of the words didn't feel connected to her, and was now back to theory that the songs were random, and she was being stupid by trying to interpret them.

She listened to it a couple more times, and as she was on the verge of giving up, it hit her. Instead of focusing on the confusing parts, she should've heard the simplest ones in the song.

"Hey
What did you want me to do?
What did you want me to say?"

After their drunk night together, they froze. He made all of his efforts not to see her, and took up smoking again. She, who was in a relationship waited for him to say something about the previous night, and just like she now realized, she had put him once again in a position in which he had absolutely no idea how she felt.

The forth song started, in a completely different style than the ones before. It felt more raw, and romantic. It felt like Thanksgiving.

"I don't think you're right for him.
Look at what it might have been"

She wrote down 'the talk before the sprain', and the title made herself chuckle. She hoped no one would ever see this, or they would believe she had gone completely crazy.

"Love – we need it now
Let's hope for some

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart"

Once that song had ended, she paused again. The stage after Thanksgiving was the one they were now, and there were three more songs to go. She wanted to believe they were all about not speaking to each other, or resentment on his part, and what she got was both reassuring, and confusing.

"Why do you come here
When you know it makes things hard for me ?
Why do you telephone ?

And why send me silly notes ?
I'm so sorry"

She wrote down the verse, with an interrogation next to it. She stared at it, trying to understand why he was apologizing. Their endless interactions went through her mind, and then her failed attempts at reaching him. The notes, the messages she gave Robbie, and the texts. She glanced over at her phone, the texts that remained unanswered.

She played the sixth song and heard it without picking up the pen once. It was sad, and it hit home. She looked down at the paper, and stared at the blank space next to the number '6' she had written down. She restarted the song, and once the chorus arrived, the lines were marked with wet spots.

She raised her head, and rubbed her eyes to get rid of her tears. She left the lines marked behind, and with shaky handwriting she wrote the number seven.

That was the only song she recognized from the list, but she had never paid attention to it until then. In contrast to the one before, the song gave out hope. She rocked her head to the soft rhythm, and an easy smile started appearing on her lips. Next to the number she wrote hope, followed by a few lyrics and a lighter heart. He was telling her that it wasn't too late.

"You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?"

She took her earplugs off, and tried calling him again.

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None of the song fragments used in this chapter belong to me.