Advice
By: Brittany S. Pierce
Advisor

Santana should be here any minute. I have gotten such an overwhelming response from my blog I needed a little help responding to all questions, comments, and concerns! I think I'll start with the easy ones. Here goes nothing!

LysdexicSam wrote: Brittany, I'm curious to know what you were like as a child.

Well, Samantha, I won't lie, I was an interesting child. It's a quality that has followed me into my teens and I hope it will continue the rest of my life. I also wish to be a lifelong funny person, although the pressure is enormous. It's like if you introduce me to a friend and you say, "This is Brittany, she's hilarious!" Then I automatically feel the need to tell a joke and if it's lame then that person will never truly believe I am funny! Wait… What was the question again?

LysdexicSam wrote: Brittany, I'm curious to know what you were like as a child.

Oh yeah. I was relatively carefree. Mostly I daydreamed and it was always my mission to make Santana smile. When I was first learning how to write I wanted to be left handed because San is. I still have the kooky pen she gave me after seeing how upset I was about being a righty.

MovedAwayMatt wrote: Brittany, what's your favorite memory of me from high school?

In biology freshman year, Santana named the pig we had to dissect Baconator because Quinn used to drag us to Wendy's all the time. We didn't go as much after that. I wanted to name him Oinky McSquealer but nobody else agreed. I also suggested Babe that way when we were done we could say, "That'll do, pig." Rachel was in that class too because I distinctly remember her talking about cruelty to animals and formaldehyde and how one of her lab partners pretended to lick their pig just to gross her out. That was you, wasn't it?

LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Your. Blog. Is. Awesome. Also, Jacob wants me to relay the message that you're no longer interim coeditor of the newspaper.

Thank you! Can't say I'm shocked about the coeditor thing. Writing's more my forte. I've been meaning to ask you this. How do you pronounce your last name? I always thought it rhymed with feces.

QueenQuinn wrote: Brittany, what did I miss on that first day of health class last year?

We learned about sex ed. We even had to put condoms on bananas, but I couldn't do it because I kept picturing those Bananas in Pajamas being suffocated. I had to put condoms on hot dogs instead. Can you believe that? A condom on a weiner. Ooh. Oops. I'm starting to think maybe you shouldn't have skipped that period to plan Celibacy Club.

Ok Brittz. I'm here. What's the big emergency?

Santana! I need you to help me answer some questions.

Ok. What is it for? Math, science, social studies?

Blog questions. Don't look at me like that! I have a lot of fans. And so far I've been able to figure out most of their identities. Let me finish answering these easy ones then we'll move onto the moderately hard ones.

CheerioBecky wrote: Hi Brittany!

Hi Becky! Hope you're having a good day! See you at practice tomorrow! Love ya!

BrittanyThisIsYourSister wrote: Brittany, this is your sister. Did you really think you could have a secret blog forever? Now I can blackmail you. Hope you like doing dishes because it's your turn now. You silly goose!

I prefer the term silly duck. The only goose I like is a mongoose. I remember the time Santana convinced me that mongooses are from Jamaica but thinking back on it now, if they were really Jamaican they would be called goose, mon. Right?

You're Jamaican me crazy.

That joke is so old the last time it was written was on a stone tablet! Get it? Because blogging wasn't invented in the time of Jesus and his pet dinosaurs. They didn't have anything good back then, like shake weights or robots or motocross or Vitamin Water. They had thongs, but I think they called them sandals instead. Weird! Women used to get pregnant by just lying with a man. Sex wasn't even invented yet. No wonder they needed a savior.

Brittany! There are like a billion things wrong with that statement. Where were you when Quinn invited us to her worship services all those Sundays while we were growing up?

I was at my church.

And where is your church exactly?

I never told you the name of it, did I?

No…

Oh. Well it's The Divine Church of My Bed.

ALL THOSE SUNDAYS YOU WERE ASLEEP?

Haha?

No, Brittany. Not haha. You could have spared me many Sundays from spending time with QUINN had you told me about this. Oddly enough, it does explain why you nod off while praying. And by the way, where did you come up with all that stuff about dinosaurs?

I read about it on Wikipedia. That's how I cite all my papers. I have one English essay that I'm working on now. My teacher gave us a creative writing assignment so I'm writing a Veronica Mars fanfic. This is what I have so far:

"Witty witty witty witty witty. I am so witty!" bragged Veronica.

"You forgot pretty! Most people thought I was weird for being friends with you until all of a sudden I became the star of the basketball team!" said Wallace.

"Veronica you are the best daughter in the entire world even though you lie to me all the time and do stuff like get in your car with a crazy murderer!" Keith hollered.

"I'm a douchebag with feelings!" whimpered Logan.

"I was awesome in season one, but in season two I got really creepy!" murmured Beaver.

"I am a minor character," Shelley Pomroy deadpanned.

Sometimes I feel like this show is more consistent than my life. Hope I get an A. What was I saying before?

Ugh. You have Attention Deficit Disorder, Brittany. You asked me to come over to help answer all your thousands of questions, remember? I agreed. I might not even bother reading them; I'm just going to get down to brass tacks. It's what I call Unsolicited Advice by: Santana Lopez.

That sounds terrifying. But here are the rest of the comments:

InfinityGoldStars wrote: Brittany, I just wanted to let you know that I too have started a blog. I know it may seem like our blogs will be in competition, but I assure you that will not be the case. Normally I have no reservations overshadowing people with my talent and drive, but I find you rather endearing. Therefore, I am extending an olive branch so that our blogs can simultaneously entertain our peers without fear of one blog being more popular than the other. I might not even update that often, since I am in a relationship with Finn and that takes up a lot of time. It's even facebook official, in case you didn't know. Oh who am I kidding? Everyone knows.

ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Brittany, I think I like this guy, but how do I know for sure?

MChanganator3000 wrote: Brittany, since you seem to know everybody in Lima, what are some good Asian jewelry stores? I want to get something for Tina.

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Hey there sugar! Aprizzle Rodeo-Rhodes here! A good friend of mine (and by friend I mean lover and by lover I mean we have sex) said he knew ya from something called Internet Edu? He's sort of a dirty old man, but despite all his wrinkles he sure knows his way around a computer! He showed me your blog and I thought well I just have to see how my little protégé is doing! Anyways, I heard from good ole Mr. Schuester that you wrote a newspaper article about me. I must say, I'm flattered. Haven't really had the chance to read it, but I've been told you think I'm number one, which ain't far from the truth! I can out sing that moldy old Berry any day. I see she got a blog. I'll scope it out for ya. I'm on it like a fat rat on a cheeto. You take care now- talk to you later, alligatorrr.

SuspenderMan wrote: Brittany, what are you doing Friday?

Ok I think that's all of them.

Brittany, you're friends with some of the strangest people.

Yah I know. My best friend is the strangest of them all! Jk.

Whatever. Here goes nothing. Stubbles: you should set your wardrobe on fire.

Then how will he/she get to Narnia?

No, Berry's actual clothes. Not where she keeps them.

Wait, you mean the person who wanted me to be in the THS was actually Rachel?

I'm ignoring that. Next is Lance Bass. It's Kurt. And before you ask, Lance Bass was in NSYNC. And before you ask again, yes, he was the gay one.

It's like you're a mind reader. Kurt, Is it that guy you were telling me about? Blaze or something like that? I think that's a cute name. You could make him wear blazers everywhere. Oh my gosh. If you started dating then Blaze + Kurt = Blurt. I'd totally call you guys that.

I'm taking this next one. Jackie Chan: we KNOW your kung fu is Asian. And your dim sum. And you're a ninja. We get it. You're Asian.

I thought Mike was dating Tina? I don't know this Jackie.

We're never going to finish at this rate. Roller Rink Rhodes: Stay away from Brittany. Quit hanging around the cafeteria during lunchtime. We're not going to give you our booze.

Usually she's the one giving it to me. Tequila helps me understand Spanish.

Whatever. I refuse to let you become like her.

Ok.

And lastly we have ArtieNotArty. I don't have advice for you. Just loathing.

What's bread have to do with it?

Not loafing. Look it up in your dictionary.

OHHH.

And Brittany, here is my advice to you. The only thing gayer than having a blog is posting your fanfic there.

What's so wrong with that? Besides, I thought you liked my blog and its rainbow background! And this is only my first story.

First! You mean there are more coming?

Maybe. All I know is that I have a lot more free time since I was demoted from being coeditor of the Gazelle.

And why is that, exactly?

You know that stoner guy, Brett?

The one who smells like Patches?

Yeah. I didn't exactly proofread his article.

That seems to be a recurring theme. What was it about?

His segment's called Baking with Brett and the recipe was for brownies. He sort of added a special ingredient.

How did I not know about this?

Duh. Because people only read the Gazelle for my articles.

I know. You made me subscribe which wouldn't be so bad except they're delivered to our first period classrooms and everybody sees Jacob hand it to me.

Well maybe I'll give it to you next time. Everybody I deliver to gets a hug.

And what does Artie get?

A big ole wet smooch!

Oh so as your best friend of forever I only get a hug, while your boyfriend of like two seconds gets a kiss?

Am I doing that thing that I promised not to do anymore?

And what thing is that?

Make you so jeal-

I have to go. Bye.

Uh. That was weird. Looks like I could use some advice too. Santana's been acting so strange lately. I think this whole wedding thing is getting to her for some reason. Who knows? Anyway, I have a lot of thinking to do. I need to come up with a way to totally win my best friend back when I deliver her newspaper next week. We haven't been hanging out as much lately so hopefully my plan works. Another problem seems to have presented itself. My sister knows about the blog. This is terrible! I doubt she'd tell Mom and Dad, but what if she does? My dad might think it's funny. He stuck all my articles on the refrigerator door and sometimes shows them to his boss. My mom might flip out though since I've done a few slightly illegal things and my judgment is iffy. She also thinks I'm a virgin. Then again, maybe she's seen the notches. She knows Santana corrupts me, but not to what extent.

Santana's moral compass probably points south. I think mine is always spinning or something. I don't always make the best decisions, but I try and make up for it. I'm not real sure which list I'll end up this year, the naughty or nice list, but Christmas is still a little while away. You know that song Let's Be Naughty And Save Santa the Trip? Santana's motto is similar. It's let's be naughty. That's all. I guess maybe it's up to me to figure out which one I want to be.

Anyway, Artie (And no, Santana, you can't call him Artsy Fartsy anymore) is calling. So I will blog ya later!

Lovelovelove,

Brittany