hey guys, hope you like this new ch....i personally do not!...no idea why, it just doesnt sit right with me for some reason...i think ive made lizzie just a little too OCC in this one..and its just gone all blaaahh...i also feel like ive made a major plot hole somewhere and havent yet realised or filled it yet :/...so overall, not a very good, or very long for that matter ch but i hope that at least some of you will like it and send me a few reviews to cheer me up since i seem to be becoming more and more depressed my the minute :(...i think i seriously will consider just moving back to spain, this country is just too dreary for me :/

but anyways, i hope you dont hate it toooo much and feel very free to point out any mistakes, either plot, character or otherwise that ive made, it would actually really help since something about this is really nagging at me but i cant seem to work out what it is

xoxox- till next time...hopefully it wont be too far away and ill be less of a bore :)

Becca

I stared at him, stunned and unable to answer. Gordo was even smarter than I had thought. When I didn't answer him quickly enough he amended hesitantly "are you in love with her. Still, as in right now?"

I continued to stare at him silently for several tense minutes: my breath stuck somewhere unreachable in my throat and tears slowly building up in my eyes; making everything swim blurrily in front of me. I finally managed to draw in a breath and opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. My thoughts were still trapped, frozen solid in my head- Gordo's question chugging sluggishly in amongst them, trying to form them into something vaguely recognisable. But it was no good; I couldn't answer his question. I COULDN'T. I was barely able to admit to myself what I was feeling for Isabella, there was no way I would be able to admit the complexity of it to Gordo and have him simply label it as love or not-love. It seemed too easy and clichéd somehow. What I felt for Isabella couldn't just be summed up that easily and slid into some boringly marked box.

Did I 'love' her? Yes, of course I did. Did that one word make sense of everything she made me feel? Did it explain the feelings that ripped through me even at the sound of her name? Did it tell everyone the way my heart soared and threatened to stop beating every time she said my name in her delicious accent or looked at me with her heavily lidded smoky eyes? Did it immediately make everyone understand the reason I had happily handed over my virginity to a girl I had only known two weeks, or make them hear the way I had moaned her name that night and made her scream in return?

No. it didn't, it didn't even come close and that was why I couldn't answer Gordo's question. How could anyone understand the complexity of the feelings I had. I was only sixteen; they would all just see it as a childish crush, an act of teenaged rebellion maybe. They would never understand they way she made my heart sing or the way I would turn into a jittery nervous wreck with just one simple look or sidelong glance in my direction. So of course I loved her, it was impossible after everything and because of everything not to, but I didn't tell Gordo that, instead I just looked at him in silence. Calm now I continued on with my story, thinking of Isabella for long periods of time always seemed to clear my head; it was almost as though she was there with me. But it hurt, it hurt like nothing else ever could and talking about it was almost worse in a way. But I needed to tell someone, I was going to go insane if I didn't. So with one last long look to check he could handle hearing more I continued. And let Gordo finally understand a little more about how the happy innocent best friend he had once known had turned into the depressed lonely girl sitting across from him.