We're getting away with it all messed up

Getting away with it all messed up

That's the living

…She's out in deep water

Hope he's a good swimmer

- Lyrics by James, from the album Pleased to Meet You

While Shepard spent the next few days dealing with shoulder pain and helping Grunt and Mordin with their business on Tuchanka, Kaidan finally skulked weakly out of the med bay, feeling like he was being treated like a spy.

Chakwas had to give him a crutch to use for a few days, the treatments she had done to his leg had mostly fixed the artery but everything was sore and tender. He couldn't stand for too long or a dull ache would spread through his leg muscles.

Kaidan emailed Anderson through the secure Alliance network and let him know that he had been shot and was recovering with Shepard. The orders he received back had made guilt squirm in his stomach: he was to watch Shepard, watch her crew and ship, and judge whether she needed to be brought in. Even snag the greybox if he could.

Apparently, Anderson was under a lot of pressure keeping both the Council and the Alliance off her back. Reading between the lines (he was getting good at that), Kaidan gathered that he was to make sure any report he gave to Anderson cast her in a good light. He would do his best, but he resolved that if Cerberus crossed the line in front of him...well even Shepard was not above the law, no matter her Spectre status.

Kaidan didn't know what he would do or say; only that he wanted to be on the Normandy to help Shepard with her mission, but wouldn't allow her to compromise everything they used to stand for in the Alliance by cutting corners.

He could see that she thought she was doing the right thing, but every time the Cerberus AI helpfully chirped at him, he felt scrutinized and examined.

Cerberus had welcomed him into their clutches. He wondered if the lure of Shepard would be enough to keep him there.

The Cerberus Agent, Miranda, watched him like a hawk, covert glances behind Shepard's back. He didn't know what her problem was but it was pissing him off.

Shepard was still giving him the silent treatment, and her crew seemed to do the same. Chakwas had been very brisk and professional but Kaidan wasn't surprised. Even since Chakwas had found out about their illicit, reg-breaking relationship at Shepard's funeral, she had been cold and distant with him. It seemed to have doubled now, after Horizon.

Kaidan was glad to escape her stern care in a way, even to the cramped beds of the Crew Quarters.

Garrus seemed to have developed a problem with him too; he had barely said two words to Kaidan and stuck to Shepard's side like glue, shooting him dark looks. Kaidan wasn't a fool; he had known that Garrus' feelings ran pretty deep for Shepard back in the SR1 days. They seemed to have evolved into something more intense now, and he wondered if Shepard was aware of it. He determinedly ignored the jealousy, the retorts on the tip of his tongue at Garrus' cold narrowed eyes.

Tali had been different, overjoyed to see Kaidan again after some initial coolness and he had been happy to see her, spending hours in engineering together fussing and tweaking their omni-tools.

Joker had studiously ignored him, muttering pointed comments and snarky remarks to the AI, EDI. Whenever he saw Joker, rage burnt in his heart and he had to leave the room before he would say something that he would regret or piss Shepard off beyond all repair.

Kaidan would never, ever forget that empty escape pod and Shepard's few last words.

'I'll take care of Joker. I won't abandon my crew, LT.'

Kaidan dealt with it by spending his days trying to build some strength up in his damaged leg and trying not to stare too obviously and wistfully after Shepard.

It all came to a head the day Shepard returned from helping Grunt on Tuchanka.

Kaidan had wanted to go with her to help and visit Wrex, but she had scoffed at his awkward, slow gait and ordered him to stay on the ship.

She came back hours later, covered in dirt and blood. Her teeth shone, standing out from her dark, dirt coated face and when she saw him anxiously hovering outside the shuttle bay she had beamed even wider, her anger at him forgotten.

"LT! I got one! I killed that son of a bitch good." She enthused and rushed over to him. She was bouncing from foot to foot, battle-crazed and hyped. In the background he could see Zaeed drag himself to the elevator, deflated, his face white, his cigar extinguished and his posture exhausted. Kaidan's lips twitched at the state of him. He hadn't spoken to the merc much yet, but really didn't like the way he spoke to Shepard.

The rough merc obviously couldn't keep up with his Shepard.

The small krogan, Grunt, rumbled from behind her. "Battlemaster Shepard has no equal, even among krogan. All fear her name; we killed a Thresher Maw on foot, puny human. You should be in awe."

Kaidan ignored the 'puny' remark. "Uh yeah...Grunt, Shepard's a hell of a soldier."

"Damn right I am! Fucking Thresher Maws! That was for Akuze, bitches!" She did a little jig with her pistol, miming shooting an imaginary giant worm and Kaidan found himself grinning at her antics, the past few days of coldness and worry over spying on her disappearing. In moments like these he knew this was where he was supposed to be, never mind the sick feeling that was his usual, oily, guilty shadow. The Cerberus logos on the wall mocked his every move.

He couldn't resist her enthusiasm and grabbed her hand, fake dancing with her and twirling her on the spot.

She was a rain cloud, sometimes dark and moody, bringing everyone around her down. And sometimes she was a puff of gentle white wisps, the shower after a storm, bright, happy and charismatic. She infected him with her mood, made him feel like he could take on the whole galaxy if she would just smile like that again.

She brayed like a donkey, her loud brash laugh making Kaidan's heart sing. "I always knew you could take down a Reaper on foot if it pissed you off bad enough, Shep. You're amazing."

They spun in a circle and he was laughing and the young krogan was staring at them impassively and -

Suddenly, she grabbed him and pressed her lips to his. She pulled back almost immediately, her face bright red and eyes wide at her own daring. "Uh...sorry. Sorta got caught up in the moment." She muttered.

Grunt gaped at them, his wide mouth popped in surprise open or perhaps he was just very interested in the mating rituals of humans. Kaidan couldn't tell either way but he could tell that his stomach was doing happy flip-flops. She'd finally warmed up to him again, it wasn't a charged life or death situation and she had still wanted to kiss him – for the first time since he had opened his mouth and word vomited.

Kaidan grabbed her by her armoured waist and kissed her back. In her enthusiasm to return the embrace she dropped her helmet she was holding in one hand with a clank to the floor.

Everything was so messed up. He didn't even know if they were still in a relationship, all he knew was that he wanted her. Her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer and Kaidan obliged, all his confused thoughts of Cerberus and allegiances forgotten. It was like the electric moments back at Hock's party, the world dulled except for the Singularity of her.

Her hands were scrapping at the back of the plain black shirt he found to wear and his hands were drifting to her firm behind. All of Kaidan's worries over morality disappeared. He wanted to taste her skin again, know what it was like to be tangled in bed sheets with her, her face when she just woke up with bed hair and the whole galaxy in her eyes.

"Battlemaster? You dropped your helmet. You should wear it if you plan to wrestle with this pyjak some more."

Shepard turned her head and Kaidan saw the krogan thrust Shepard's helmet at her and lumber to the elevator.

"Oh man." Shepard snickered. "Why will none of my crew let me have my wicked way with you in peace?"

"Probably because he was standing right there." Kaidan smiled crookedly. "Didn't you say you released him from a pod and he's like a kid krogan? You're a terrible mom, Shepard."

"Ha, shush you." Shepard grinned and pecked his cheek. "He needs to learn that shit sometime. Fact of life...a really fun fact."

Kaidan cleared his throat awkwardly, not sure where they stood with each other. "Speaking of fun facts…I missed you."

"I missed you too." Shepard breathed and took one of his hands in her own. "But really you've been a douchebag and tried to die on me and got me cranky, so you deserve it."

"Shepard-"

"No, no." She shook her head, shushing him. "Right now, I want it to be just me and you. You almost died and I have no idea what I would do without you. You know that, right?"

"I know."

He really did. Those dark days after her death would never leave him, black marks on his soul.

Kaidan's heart clenched in a rush of love for the woman standing before him, she was beaten and dirty and rough but never broken. Shepard was so free in her love, in her affection once her trust and friendship was gained. So prickly on the exterior but he knew nobody with a heart as kind. "I know that better than anyone. I just want to be with you. I don't know how all this will work out, or at the end where we will be..."

Shepard stopped his musing, leaning on her tip-toes to kiss the corner of his mouth and chirp. "There is a new Shepard Regulation, ok?"

"I'm wary of your regs. Last time I believe it was we had 'Oral Sex Tuesdays' and I couldn't stop thinking about it all week and I ended up frying my favorite omni-tool with a modification error, but okay."

Shepard grinned impishly. "Oh yeah, that was hilarious. Garrus couldn't work out why I was laughing so hard at having to requisition you a new 'tool. But no, I'm serious this time."

"What?' He mock gasped. "My whole life is a lie, that reg was the one I would never break."

Shepard giggled but quickly sobered and said: "When you kiss me, you cannot think of the Alliance or Cerberus. We're fucked, Kaidan." Shepard eyes were slate grey in this light and it saddened him to see them darkened and her voice so choked, talking about their relationship. "The Collectors broke us that day, as well as my body, and I don't know how to fix anything. You can't rebuild feelings and trust like a performing a skin graft. What I do know is how I feel, and that we shouldn't be this complicated together. So deal? No Cerberus?"

Kaidan's fingers trailed her jaw, down to her chin and he leaned in to explore her pert mouth with his lips, a small experiment to see if this particular reg would stick. He thought of nothing but the pounding of his lovesick heart and knew that, for the moment, he could play by her rules.

"Deal."

Shepard was on him in seconds, mouth insistent, wet and hot. Her hands were dragging him to the elevator and he followed willingly, trying to even his gait and not seem so gimpy in front of her with his leg.

Once the doors shut, he was on her, pressing her to the wall and kissing around the collar of her armor of her neck. Shepard moaned, bucking her hips into him.

"Have I told you how much I love your new armor, Shepard?" Kaidan murmured to her neck, his breath ghosting the hair tucked behind her ears. "You look great. Like a warrior with style."

"No, you didn't." Her fingers wandered at his waistband in small teasing forays. "Have I told you that you just get better with age? Grey hair, LT? Does naughty things to me."

He laughed a little self-consciously into her sweet-smelling hair. He felt like he had aged decades in the two years she had been gone, but she still looked as pretty and young as ever. She hit the button for her cabin, pulling him in when the elevator arrived.

Kaidan had never been inside her room before, it was…opulent for a Commander's cabin. Her old one had been cramped and dark. To him, it had been perfect, a safe nest for their trysts. He became so distracted with the massive fish tank and size of the room that for a moment he missed Shepard pulling off her armor pieces.

"LT? I am so disappointed. Really, fish hold more sway? I should have never have allowed Grunt to convince me to buy them." She pouted, teasing.

Kaidan stalked towards her. "Shep, you are so much hotter than fish. Well...most fish."

He smothered her laugh with another kiss and this time there was no one around to stop them. His hands slipped under the singlet she had worn under her armor and lifted, pulling it away from her stomach and over her head. Her sport bra soon followed.

"I used to dream about you, Shepard. I missed you, I can't even tell you how much."

She made a humming noise in the back of her throat as his hands found her breasts, backing her into the wall separating her bathroom and she pulled his mouth to hers again, her hands fisted in the back of his hair.

Her tongued stroked his, lustful and full of promise. Beneath his hands she became more urgent, straining her lower, armor encased half against his hips.

"Kaidan…how's your leg?"

"What leg?" He mumbled, distracted. He didn't want to talk right now. Kaidan tried to join their mouths again, but she laughed and ducked her head. He was busy drinking in the sight of her bare skin, the feel of the soft weight in his hands.

"The leg you were shot in, you fool." Her voice raised an octave on the last word; his thumb had ghosted over one of her peaks, hardening the nipple.

"Oh that. It's fine."

"Good. I was hoping your knees wouldn't buckle when I did this." Shepard suddenly used her deceptive strength to dislodge his wandering hands and reverse their positions, so his back was to the wall. Then she knelt in one swift movement and his pants were down around his ankles and her tongue was on him and Kaidan saw stars. Or just maybe, he was going to pass out from the best kind of blood loss, the one that didn't require a bullet through the femoral artery.

"Jesus, Shepard." He groaned. "It's not a Tuesday. Warn a guy."

She paused in her ministrations and Kaidan felt like shooting himself (again) for distracting her.

"Now what would be the fun in that, LT?"

Her head bobbed and he groaned, barely resisting fisting his hands in her hair. He decided that he was just going to keep his mouth shut forever to stop his foot jamming in there. Three months ago if someone said he would be here right now, hopelessly pressed into the wall by Shepard and the whole…Shepard-ness of her, Kaidan would have punched them in the mouth. This second chance they had felt like a gift, that sometimes came wrapped in tears and anger and yelling, but still…a precious shiny thing that he didn't want to ever waste.

Kaidan knew he wouldn't last long, there had really been no one since Shepard two years ago, her pace was gentle and measured but still it felt almost too much, all the emotions and mixed grief and love between them, making their every touch raw. He felt his leg start to shake at the suction and her gentle lips. "Shepard, w-wow. Um, my leg wants to ruin my life and I don't want to fall on you." He panted.

She stopped and stood to press up against him; Kaidan kissed her again and tasted himself on her. Painfully hard, he scrabbled at her armored pants, searching almost frantically for the release clips. Shepard batted his hands and laughed, winking. "I am dirty and need a shower, unless you want to kiss dust and dirt."

"I don't really care, Shep. I just want you."

Shepard took his hand and led him into the shower. Kaidan stepped out of his pants and then once in the bathroom, pulled his shirt over his head. Shepard yanked the rest of her armor off roughly, breasts bouncing.

She turned the spray on as hot and as hard as it could go while still being comfortable and Kaidan pulled her under it, kissing her and finally allowed his hands to roam her body freely, nothing stopping their slow exploration.

The water sluiced their dark hair over their faces; she peeked at him through wet, wavy strands and playfully smoothed the hair off his forehead. Kaidan felt safe; there was her skin, her lips, her wet mouth and nothing else.

It felt like they were back on the Normandy, that small amount of time they had to just be together in the middle of the geth clean-up mission.

He thought about her telling him she was afraid to lose him and decides that this time, he's the one afraid.

He charted a course across her skin, he had never scored that well in navigation but her body was a star chart he actually could read. The stars may have shifted, old freckles and imperfections wiped –'stellar drift' they had called it for far away stars in school, but the background, the canvas was still there. That hadn't changed. Her burning bright cosmic radiation was in her smile, in eyes with droplets of water gathered on thick lashes that said simply, 'I love you.'

Kaidan had finally found home again.

His fingers drifted between her legs and she gasped into his mouth, her face flush. She had stopped smirking.

"Kaidan…please. Stop teasing me." She moaned, her hips writhing at his hands. Kaidan wanted her to feel what he did, what she made him feel, that ragged wanting. He didn't stop until she was nearly sobbing with denied release.

"We can't do the wall thing with my leg." He said, cursing getting himself shot. Well…really he'd do it all again to save her from being shot. But still, it was seriously ruining his already sad sex life.

Shepard snapped her eyes open. "Oh no. I used to love the wall thing, y'know." She shut off the water with a jerk and was suddenly dragging him into her bedroom, nearly tripping down the small stairs, dripping water everywhere. He chuckled at her dominant streak, as she pulled him down on top of her on the bed sheets.

"Stop laughing and kiss me, you big teasing jerk."

So he did, parting her knees and settling between her legs. Shepard kissed him again, searching and wanting. He slid inside her, slow and gentle but she wrapped her legs around his hips, heels driving into the small of his back to encourage him harder and deeper.

He thrust and Shepard moaned loudly, reaching for one of his hands to grip it tightly. "Kaidan…"

Encouraged by her clear arousal, she was already so close to the edge; he set a frenetic pace, ignoring the twinge in his leg muscle. There was no pain when he was with Shepard, just warm skin and sensation and heat. He felt his stomach muscles tighten in anticipation. She was slick and tight, meeting his hips thrust for thrust.

He wanted to feel like this forever, hide away from the world to make love to her in her big bed all day. This was like it had used to be, their cocoon away from responsibilities and worries.

He bent his head to take one erect nipple in her mouth, tasting droplets of water from the shower and her sweat. His nose nudged her breast and he smelt that Shepard smell, all softness and that particular brand of scented moisturiser she used.

Her noises of approval were becoming louder and more frequent, her walls tightening around him, squeezing rhythmically.

"Shepard…" His hand reached between them, just above where he entered her and stroked her clit.

He saw Shepard's eyes squeeze shut as the force of orgasm tore through her, her whole body tensed like a music string that played notes just for him. He felt the spasm from inside, forcing his own release to spill out hotly, filling her. He stayed still for a moment, panting into her neck, trying to desperately remember how to breathe, how to function after having a small pleasurable death. Her eyes were still closed, but she was kissing her way across his jaw, his neck, and his shoulders.

"I missed you, Kaidan." She whispered again, right into the shell of his ear. Right now, Kaidan thought she could have been in the heart of the Illusive Man's office and he still would not have thought for a moment of Cerberus. He curled around her, wrapping an arm around her stomach and he fell asleep watching her chest rise and fall.

They woke in the night; Shepard poked him in the stomach, whining, "I'm starved."

"Me too." Kaidan grabbed her hand as she poked him and kissed her fingers.

"Mmph." She grumbled.

"Cereal?"

Shepard grinned wickedly. "This is why I love you, you know all my tricks. What other man will blow my mind and then get up and get me cereal?"

"No one." Kaidan laughed, sitting up. "And I'm only doing it because you are too lazy to get it yourself when you get all limp and sleepy like this. But they should because you are beautiful and perfect even when you're a huge, annoying pain in the ass."

"Hmpf. I do adore your back-handed compliments as ever, Kaidan." Shepard buried her head into the pillows, hair a messy riot of curls and her saucy grin. He dove on top of her, digging her out of the blankets to kiss her forehead and whisper, "I'll be right back."

He hopped out of bed and slung his pants on but as he reached for his black shirt again she said, "No, it's ok. I got you some clean ones," and threw him one from her bedside table. Kaidan raised his eyebrows but decided to say nothing to ruin the moment.

She threw a pillow biotically at him as he left, which he dodged with a hop on his good leg. "That's not how you should treat your sole food fetcher, Shepard." He said and caught the pillow mid-air with a Pull as it flew past him. He yanked his hand again and sent it sailing right back at her face. On reflex her hand came up to block and there was a sudden explosion of feathers.

She had blown the pillow up.

Kaidan hobbled away, out of her cabin as quickly as he could, before he could get blamed for the mess. He couldn't stop smiling at her loud squawk of dismay that followed him out the door.

He padded down barefoot to the mess and hoped he wouldn't see anyone. He didn't want to have to hide the smile on his face.

Luckily, the sleep cycle had just started and there was no one around. Kaidan hummed tonelessly, happy as he rifled in the cupboards for Shepard's cereal. He smiled softly as he finally dug out the large packet that had 'ShEpARD'S DONt TOUCH. I KiLL U' emblazoned across the label in large, childishly scrawled letters. Shepard was terrible with writing, even doubly so without a datapad.

"So. She got her way then, and ignored my advice." A cool voice cut through Kaidan's happy mood.

When he shut the cupboard door Miranda stood there, dressed in an elegant black lace nightie and dressing gown, clutching a cup of coffee. He noticed her small perfectly shaped toenails had been painted blood red.

"I'm sorry?" Kaidan said.

"Please. Don't play dumb, Staff Commander. EDI sees everything and is obliged to answer my questions."

"So you spied on us?!" Kaidan yelled, suddenly angry. He was sick of secrets and lies and manipulations.

"No." The woman rolled her eyes at him. "Come now, if I so desire I can get my kicks elsewhere, I have no compulsion to watch your adolescent mating rituals."

"Anyone ever tell you, you're extremely rude and inappropriate?" Kaidan banged the cereal down on the bench, sending some flakes flying. "Shepard and I, whatever we do, are none of your business."

"Shepard is my business." Miranda hissed, taking a step towards him. "Her health is my business. Her happiness is my business. I know that woman right down to her every DNA strand. I know the code for her eye color, exactly the shade of her hair. I know what it takes to make soft curly black hair and grey-blue eyes. You know nothing."

"Black-? Shepard has brown hair. What are you talking about? This is about you, isn't it?" He eyed her black waves and cornflower eyes. "You are projecting your own issues onto her." He said and yanked the fridge open to grab milk.

He turned and glared at the woman, continuing. "I've done my homework too, Ms Lawson. You weren't born, you were made. Don't confuse for a second your own origins with what's best for Shepard, or best for the galaxy. Just because science-"

Miranda cut him off. "I know that. But science did save her. Cerberus saved her. Cerberus is scientific progress and humanity's best hope. You haven't a clue what it is capable of. You're a philistine and a sentimental fool. And so is the Alliance. You might make her happy for a moment, but you're not good for her. You'll leave and this mission will lose her focus again."

Kaidan took a determinedly calming breath, clenching his teeth. "Listen to me: people are not DNA strands…that's not all we are. We are not science projects. Shepard is not a project. She is not a weapon."

"Ha." Miranda smirked, and uncrossed her arms to snatch the milk from his hands. She stalked to the coffee maker, throwing over her shoulder: "You'd be surprised the difference one tiny strand of DNA makes, a tiny cluster of cells changes everything. It's because of Cerberus that you have that woman up there to kiss and make love to, and constantly emotionally and physically abandon." Kaidan huffed in anger, this woman was insufferable. "It's because of Cerberus you have a-"

"A what?" He bit out, frustrated with her knowing, snotty tone.

"...That you have a life. I saved it, you know." She motioned to his leg with her coffee cup, and spilt some over the side onto his pants. "Oops." She said not sounding sorry at all. "You have no idea how much I've slaved to save."

"I'm aware," he said, clipped and short. "I should thank you, but Cerberus does not save people out of the goodness of their hearts. You didn't save Shepard because you cared about her as a person." Kaidan filled his and Shepard's bowls with cereal and took his milk back, glowering at the stunningly beautiful woman. To him though, she just looked like a carefully constructed subterfuge. Nothing like the realness, the down to Earth quality of Shepard.

"You're just another person who sees her as a tool to be used. You and the Illusive Man see her as a sword for humanity rather than a human being with feelings and emotions, who laughs loudly and jokes badly." He said.

He saw real anger crease her brow then and knew he'd hit a sore point. "I care about Shepard!"

"Yeah, maybe you do now." Kaidan scoffed. "Now that she's done something to help you. Because down to her bones, she wants to save people, wants to help them and wants someone to love her for it. She helped with your sister, no?" He asked, already knowing the answer. "That's the scuttlebutt, anyway. She wants to put families back together, because hers died on Earth or abused her."

Miranda seemed struck silent; her mouth popped open a little, so he took the opportunity to say his piece, all his hate for Cerberus' treatment of Shepard bubbling over. "And it's easy to love her, you know it. I can see how you take care of her, how you fuss. But you and Cerberus have used her guilt, her need to help people to twist her into some kind of weapon for you. And she's in so deep; she's drowning and can't even see it. And that's why I hate Cerberus, and it's why I don't respect you, Ms Lawson."

"You're wrong." She said. She crossed the little lace dressing gown she wore more firmly over her chest.

"Am I? It doesn't matter." Kaidan shook his head, sighing. "Shepard does what she thinks is right and I'll follow her as far as I can."

"And just how far is that?" Miranda hissed, rallying her composure. He was just about to retort when there was movement from the shadows.

"Kaidan?" Shepard appeared, rubbing her eyes. She'd thrown his black shirt on and it fell to her mid-thigh. She looked rumpled and unusually soft. Kaidan saw a fluffy goose feather from the burst pillow in her hair.

"What's taking-?" She stopped, noticing Miranda and smiled. "Oh hi, Miri. What's going on...?"

Kaidan smiled tightly and collected their cereal, handing one to her. "Sorry Shepard, got caught up having a little chat. Goodnight, Ms Lawson."

Miranda nodded icily, her eyes pale slits. "Staff Commander Alenko."

Kaidan went up to bed with Shepard, but his jubilation at their coming together had been muted. They ate their cereal quietly; Shepard seemed unaware of the pall that had fallen over him.

He curled up to her back to sleep but it wouldn't come to Kaidan for hours. Cerberus had their claws into the woman snoring softly beside him.

He wasn't sure if they had become a part of her yet. Kaidan stroked one of her milky soft shoulders; in her sleep she turned and wrapped an arm around him. He frowned. His heart was sick again, the walls seemed too small on this ship, even if it was bigger than the SR1.

He felt torn; this didn't feel like the duty that had sustained him all his adult life with the Alliance. It felt like a new kind of duty, one he owed to her.

The two couldn't be reconciled, the two halves warring.

Shepard was the same, for now, but nothing else was. Or ever would be again. This wasn't two years ago. Even if she pretended it was, with her silly, made-up regs.