Chapter 20

Life doesn't get a whole lot worse than this. I mean, I've always been a brooding mutant freak with no home. Now I'm a brooding mutant freak with one arm, one eye, and something akin to a home, but being unable to reach it.

Not being able to get to your home is worse than having no home at all. Ask any philosopher.

Hey, I've met plenty of goddamn philosophers, okay?

Anyway, consider my alarm when a high-tech, ginormic jet plane named Needlenose II fit itself elegantly between the mountain trees and hovered above us so freaking perfectly.

Thankfully, I was quickly un-alarmed, because from the bottom of the plane was a rope ladder on which Noah and Laren Janicke were dangling, a.k.a. Ray and Ram. So named because—well, you've read at least some of the previous installments of this fanfiction, right? Come on, I've been journaling since the Colorado mountain house, read at least a little bit of it.

"Need a lift?" Ram called.

"Oh, sweet!" Nudge yelled. "Hey, hey guys, you got room for a Lamborghini on the Needlenose II?"

"Sure," Ram said, shrugging.

"Nudge, baby, it's a miracle," Iggy said.

They loaded up the last Lamborghini, then the rest of us started flying in.

"Whoa, Max," Ray said. "What happened to you, dude?"

I shrugged. "I got my arm cut off, then I got my eye gouged out. Shit happens. I got enemies."

"No kidding," Ray muttered. "Wow, I'm so sorry…"

"I'm okay," I said.

The flock gathered in the cabin of the plane. It was a real big plane! There was room to spare, even for Ram and Ray as the ladder was hoisted back up.

"So, Needlenose II," I said. "What happened to the first Needlenose? Just so I'm, you know, prepared. Get blown up?"

"Nah," Ray said. "It was too small. So, me and Ram redesigned it quick-snap, and it was all good."

"Hey, Brigid," Fang said. He walked up and gave her a powerful hug. She settled in happily, as he stroked her red-gold hair.

I didn't mind so much. Fang had told me that, in spite of Brigid's off-kilter mental state, occasional alliance with the villains of our series, and her constant trying to have sex with him, he loved Brigid as a daughter. I tried to see her that way too. Like my firecrotched, old-as-dirt, crazy-ass daughter.

Maybe a stepdaughter. Like Cinderella. Except the daughter is the evil one.

No, that ain't fair. She's not evil, and she's not old as dirt. And she's doing better with the craziness. Some therapy and medication, gets her thinking more clearly now. But she is a firecrotch. I've seen it. I've seen Brigid naked. There are worse things. If you've ever seen a Krelp, you know what I'm talking about.

Okay, at this point, I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway, there was Brigid… and Akila. She was noticeably rounder; the big ol' Malamute had been knocked up with six puppies by her husband shortly before Kellie ripped out his spine. Airy came under Akila and started feeling around for puppies.

"When do the puppies come?" Airy asked.

Brigid kneeled down. "Not for another two weeks, Airy. We've seen inside her, though. There are three boy puppies and three girl puppies."

"YAY!" Airy chirped.

In the corner of the room, Albert was wearing Felicia like a boa. Which doesn't really work, because she's more of a python.

Sorry, that was awful.

Anyway, Albert and Felicia are the loveliest couple I've ever seen. They don't need to touch one another—they've learned not to, because they can't. But you can see their love in their weirdly human eyes, when they gaze at each other.

Ella came out and me and smothered me with hugs and kisses. Good kid, that Ella.

"I've missed you," she said. "Holy shoot! Mom ought to look at that eye…"

"Yeah, that occurred to me," I said dryly.

"Hey, look what I got," Ella said. She held up a black, curved object, like a headband or a bracelet or something. I don't know anything about fashion. Sue me.

"What's that?" I said.

The object melted and began to expand, into a one-foot-wide black cube.

"It's the Living Cell!" Nudge said. "I didn't know it could do that!"

"It's learning," Ella said. "It can do lots of shapes now."

Nudge took the Cell from Ella. "Hello," she said sweetly, kissing it. It rumbled contentedly, nuzzling her.

Noelani Akana opened up the door at the edge of the cabin. Now, there's the first person I saw aboard the plane that didn't entirely delight me. She's a bit of a stalker, I'd say. A bit too fascinated by us to really actually care about us, if you know what I mean.

"Hi, Max," she said.

"Sup?" I said. I turned back to Ella. "So, what brings you to our neck of the woods?"

"We came to save you," Ella said. "When you didn't come back after a couple days, we put together all your most trusted-type people."

"Trusted people?" I said. "What's with Dr. Akana?"

Akana raised her eyebrow. "I know how to fly the plane."

"Oh. Well, good for you." I studiously ignored her, returning my attention to Ella. "But how'd you find us? Are there some kinds of tracers on somebody?"

"Not that I know of," Ella said. "We got other ways to pinpoint you."

"Like… like what?"

"Ray and Ram know how to enter the fifth dimension. Not important. Anyway, what in the world has been going on? I've never seen you so bloody and… stuff…"

Suddenly Max II tugged on my shirttail. "Max, what's… what's that smell? What is that?"

I sniffed, then grinned widely. I hadn't noticed, but there it was… "That, my darling, is Mom's cookies."

Max II blinked. "No. That's impossible. I mean, I've heard about… but… no, nothing smells that good…"

I giggled and kissed her forehead. "You poor, deprived clone. You go get Mom's cookies."

"Yeah," she said breathlessly.

She started for the second room, but Gazzy blocked her path.

"Those are my cookies, foul beast," he said. He spoke in a monotone and flapped his lips around wildly. Evidently, that's his impression of a dubbed Chinese film. That had to be explained to me later; I had no idea.

Max II got into a defensive posture and started to bob around Gazzy. Well, hey, if there's gonna be a cookie-fight… I'm getting there first.

I entered the room, and there was my mom, with her great big plate o' chocolate chip cookies, the perfect image of momliness.

I snatched one. "Good deal, Mom," I said.

She looked at my injuries and frowned sympathetically, not seeming surprised. "Oh, Max…"

"I'm okay," I said. I was getting tired of all this sympathy.

Also in the room, there was Danny, scribbling away at whatever superpower for justice and might he was working on right then. And Jeb. Whatever.

"Hello, Max," he said.

"Hi," I said. "I got some stuff for you to do."

He smiled at me.

"Don't get the wrong idea," I said. "You know why I'm asking you to do this? You know how. I'm not your pawn. You're my pawn."

"Understood," Jeb said.

I took a bite of cookie. Mmmmm, damn good cookie.

Well, I don't know where we're going now, but I get the feeling it's good. Lots of good people…