KOF S(h)itcom Hell. Part 20- The idiots abroad.
A change of location sees our housemates, and many other fighters in Osaka Japan for the weekend. The reason for this is that they are attending the annual "SNK-A-Thon" fan convention. This takes place in a large building filled with SNK themed stalls, stands, and crowds of fans, some of the freakier ones choosing to dress up as their idols. Mai Shiranui has really got into the spirit of things, surrounded by a horde of devoted, mostly horny fanboys.
Mai- That's right people, gather round. You may all begin worshipping me as your idol now. There's more than enough Mai to go round, so take your time.
Fans (chanting)- We... love...Mai... Mai...Is...God... (They then begin to shower Mai with money and gifts)
Mai- I love the effect I have on the masses. It's only right they acknowledge me as their queen. (Sees Gato and Bob in a corner) Hey Gato, look! I've got my own cult of devotees. Aren't I just the greatest, and sexiest person in the whole world ever?!
Gato- Piss off. You're fans are all sex starved losers. I didn't even wanna come.
Mai- You're just jealous because I'm universally well loved, and you're a miserable bastard no one likes.
Bob- So why were there a crowd of women at our door with burning torches shouting "Death to Mai!"?
Mai- Wives and girlfriends of the men who adore me. Jealousy does that to people. Come along lowly minions, you may all take photographs of me, which if you're lucky and I don't get tired, I might sign...
Away from the sickening Mai worship, Ralf walks around checking out various stalls and eating a "Genuine Kensou Pork Bun". He is very surprised to find crime boss Mr Big working at a "rare SNK games" stall. His ho's stand around sexily, posing with the games, which all look like cheap half arsed unofficial copies (they are).
Ralf- What the fuck... Mr Big? What are you doing working at a stall? Community service?
Mr Big- Are you kidding? This job's great. I get lots of money, and really get to connect with diehard fans. Watch this (spots a randon fanboy, dressed as K') Hey you? You want this "King Of Fighters 96, five months and nineteen days?" Very rare, a real collectors item?
Fanboy- No way. (Looks at the box) This looks like a crappy Mugen ripoff. And you sucked too.
Mr Big- (grabbing the fan and waving a stick in his face). I didn't ask you whether you wanted it, I told you that you do! You WILL pay me 600, 000 Yen for it and you WILL sign up for my mail order scheme!
Fanboy- Yes sir Mr... uhh, Mr Big sir! Second thoughts I'd be happy to! (takes out a wad of cash)
Ralf- I'm impressed. You're ability to sell useless crap at bank breaking prices. Learn that during your career as a crime boss? Before you ask, I'm not buying anything. Uhh, hey look, Bonne Jenet's doing a striptease over there! Bye... (runs off before Mr Big can "persuade" him to buy "Fatal Fury 4- Wrath of Hwa Jai")
Meanwhile fanboy favourite Iori Yagami walks around, giving autographs, posing for photos and enjoying praise. A few overly excited fangirls come up to him, with pads of paper and cameras. One nervously comes up to talk to him, giggling uncontrollably. Iori treats it as just another group of fans who love him.
Fangirl 1- Excuse me... hee hee, Iori?
Iori- What can I do for you cute girls, autographs, pictures? Sex in my hotel tonight?
Fangirl 1- Not really. We were just wondering, could you tell us where Shingo Yabuki is? Hee hee.
Fangirl 2- He's so cool. He's really stupid, but he's still lovable. We wanna meet him.
Iori- What!? Why in the name of Orochi would anyone want to see that retard instead of me?
Fangirl 1- So you can't help us? You're no fucking good are you? (They walk off, Terry and Mary approach, having seen it all)
Terry- Bad luck Iori. I thought everybody loved you?
Mary- I think he's lost it. Come on Terry, I wanna go to the "Samurai Showdown replica weapons" stall.
As Mary begins to walk off, another fangirl comes up to Terry. She is incredibly cute and sexy (like one of them oh so perfect manga girls), and wearing a hat like his, an "I love Terry" T Shirt and little else. Looking at him seductively, it is very clear what she wants, and Terry is very tempted. Just as our hero is about to say "yes" Mary rushes back and drags him away roughly by the neck.
Mary- What do you think you're doing?! You were going to cheat on me with some shameless hussy you've just met! Admit it, you would have, how could you?!
Terry- But Mary... she's... look at her? She's really... You'd have been the same if it was a man like that!
Mary- That's beside the point. Now, I want you to sit there, and think unerotic thoughts. You'd better not even think about her, or I'll beat you with the replica Charlotte sword you're going to buy me.
Terry- But I...
Mary- Unsexy thoughts NOW! I'm watching you. Think of the world's biggest turn offs!
Terry- Uhh... cold showers (works until an image of the girl in a shower appears in his mind) No wait! Hmm, bagpipe music (has the right effect until the girl comes back to his mind, in a very short kilt and blowing the end of a bagpipe, minus the hideous music ) OK, unerotic, how about rugby, nothing sexy there! (works until she appears again, this time in a very tight rugby shirt and tiny shorts)... Aw god this is hard..
Mary- I'm warning you Terry!
I didn't mean that sort of "hard" Mary, I swear! Let's see, unerotic unerotic... the Tellytubbies! German accents! Fatman Scoop! Bits of food between the teeth! The smell of dog food! Ash Crimson dancing in a leopardprint thong on a cold day! (all thoughts of sex leave him) Mary, I did it! I'm cured!
As Terry and Mary celebrate all things unsexy, Kula wanders around aimlessly until she spots the Southtown Socialist Militia For Ignored Sidekicks. Billy, Mature, Andy, Benimaru, Robert and Maxima have their own stall and shout about their "revoloution" to the crowds. Their stall is surrounded by flags, party manifestos, and pictures of their achievements.
Kula- What exactly are you guys selling?
Billy- We're selling "Revoloution" to the masses! We're gonna overthrow the so called heroes!
Random fan- But I like Kyo.
Andy- No you don't! You only think you like Kyo! You've been brainwashed by the man!
Kula spots a picture of them in camoflauge gear with metal baseball bats standing over the beaten body of Ryo Sakazaki.
Kula- What's this?
Mature- Oh that, what a day that was. (Shows picture to the crowds) This is when we captured Ryo, and re enacted a scene from that "Manhunt" game. We're dressed as the Wardogs.
Benimaru- We didn't actually kill him. But he sure learned his lesson.
Kula- Do K' next! Please? He cheated on me, and then went gay! (see earlier chapters)
Maxima- Ahh, poor thing. See how they treat innocent people, clearly too young to be their lovers!?
Token SNK Executive- Hey! You guys! No advertising non SNK games in this convention! Or you're banned next year!
Billy- You're days are numbered! We know where you live!
Kula leaves after being given an "I support the SSMFIS Revoloution!" T shirt. At the other end, Bob and Gato find a stall being run by irrelevant Fatal Fury 1 boxer turned retro icon Michael Max. As he's now back in fashion, Michael's store is made up of his own merchandise, including overpriced rubbish from the upcoming movie "The Michael Max Experience"
Michael- Hey guys. How about a movie poster? Action figures? There's me of course, Alfred, who plays "crap sidekick" in this film...
Bob- How the hell can you do a movie about yourself. You showed up briefly in one tournament, before quickly losing bred'ren.
Michael- I am the plucky underdog! And this movie tells the "true" story, in retro 1992 style of how I single handedly defeated the Orochi. (hands them a movie postcard of himself punching what is quite obviously Brian Battler dressed up as Orochi)
Gato- This is fucked up. In fact, so's this whole convention. Look, everywhere, stupid people, some in crappy home made costumes.
Bob- Give 'em a break, they're fans. We need them, they love us (sees a fat bearded man cosplaying as Shermie) AAHHHH! OK, I could do without that guy. Jesus that's disturbing! Eww, sick!
Gato- How could this get any worse?
Hotaru- Big brother, I found you! Come with me, you said we could go together. Let's go to Athena's stall, I want the Phsyco Soldier's Greatest Hits DVD, with the free outtakes disc! And then we cango for a ride on the fun looking Metal Slug Camel! YAY! This is fun, come on big brother!
Gato- Don't answer that Bob.
Gato is pulled away by his excitable sister. Bob turns away to find undersized Mexican wrestler Ramon being harrassed by a particularly stupid fanboy.
Dumb fanboy- Gabba Gabba Hey!
Ramon- What? Can I help you?
Bob- Oh, I get it, he thinks you're one of the Ramones.
Dumb fanboy- So which one are you supposed to be? Are you Dee Dee Ramone? Who's Sheena, and is she really a punk rocker? Is it true you were once a rent boy?
Bob- He's not one of those Ramones, retard. Dee Dee's dead anyway.
Ramon- Do I look anything like one of that group!? This is an SNK convention, what would one of the Ramones be doing here!?
Dumb fanboy- Now you mention it, youdon't look a thing like Dee Dee, or any of the others. You suck, you're a fraud.
The madness comes to an end, and many people, fighters and fans leave having spent lots of money on merchandise. The six housemates plus many other SNK stars board a plane headed back for Southtown. Former soldier and regular at Rick Strowd's drug den John Crawley is one of the pilots. His original co pilot quit, claiming John was a "Reckless, drug addled fuckwit, who shouldn't be flying a plane!" Which is true.
John- OK guys, I got an announcement. My co pilot quit today, probably jealous of my cool Top Gun aviator shades. He had to wear ugly Coke bottle glasses. But don't worry, I've found a replacement.
Terry- Oh thank Christ for that. I thought we'd be delayed.
John- Now, he's never flown a plane before, but he seems like an intelligent kid...
Joe- A kid. I don't like this.
Athena- Never flown a plane before?
John- So I want you all to give a nice big hello to your co pilot, what was your name again?
The co pilot turns to face the crowd, and it is... Shingo Yabuki. The moronic teen comdey relief fighter stands there in a pilots uniform, giving a thumbs up. Everybody is screaming at the thought of their lives being in the hands of this spaz.
Shingo- Good question. My mum writes it on my underwear now, after the time I woke up thinking I was Mukhai, do you ever get that? Anyway (looks into his underwear) Malin, that's my name! No wait, I don't think these are mine. Come to think of it, are these my feet? (stares at his feet, confused)
Kula- NOOOO! Not Shingo!
Kim- Anyone but him!
Joe- We're all gonna die! I just know it!
John- OK Shingo, let's get ready for takeoff.
Terry- It's not fair, how does he do it?! Everyone knows he's an idiot.
Yashiro- Almighty Orochi, please don't let me die again. Not like this.
After three failed attempts, where they nearly crashed into buildings, the plane is in the air. They're flying in a really haphazard way, that even stuntmen would consider too much. They even loop the loop once or twice, which caused quite a few passengers to vomit all over themselves. The plane then stops suddenly in mid air, and they begin to fall.
Ralf- What the hell are you guys doing!?
Mary- Fly the fucking plane dammit!
John- I wanted to stop, and show you all this really interesting looking cloud at the side. If you stare closely at it, squint, and have taken lots of drugs this morning, it kinda looks like Mudman from World Heroes.
Duck- We're falling! Do something! Now!
Shingo- Mudman? I think it's more the third enemy soldier you meet in level one of the fourth Metal Slug game myself. Maybe it's because I didn't take the drugs this morning.
Getting bored of the screaming passengers, John and Shingo make the plane fly again, away from the cloud (that just looks like any other cloud). They manouever the plane around in circles for a bit for no apparent reason before John takes out a map book. It is a "Hitchhikers guide to rural Transylvania", not the most useful thing to have right now.
John- OK, Southtown, that's in the States.Which is west...
Shingo- So let's go that way! (points in a direction completely wrong)
John- Nice one. I like you're quick thinking. Let's turn those speed thingies up as far as they'll go.
Passengers- AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Gato- We're doomed! Doomed I tell ya!
Kyo- I'm frightened! Save me!
Leona- Fuck this, I've had it! (storms off towards the parachute cupboard) HEY! Where's the fucking parachutes!?
Shingo- Oh those things. We thought it'd look really funny if we attached them all to the plane wings and let them open up as we flew. You can see out the windows.
Bob- Aw no, he's right for once! Look!
Through the windows, every parachute can be seen opened out at the back of the wings. Everybody but the insane pilots is now completely terrified. If they have to abandon the plane and don't quickly grow wings or something, they are truly fucked.
Ralf- Gato, even though I hate you! If I die and you survive, you can have the sniper rifle in my gun collection! I promised the M60 to Leona just now!
Kula- I'm too cute and lovable to die! Save me somebody!
Kim- Don'tlookdowndon'tlookdowndon'tlookdowndon't (plane loops the loop again) AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEE!
Athena- OK guys, as your goddess, I demand that you land this plane safely on the first bit of land we see!
Shingo- Yeah, well we're the pilots, and we're more important than you.
John- So sit back down and shut up. Now, since people are getting worked up, I thought we could have the in flight movie now.
Mai- Whew. At least that might help us stop thinking about this.
Griffon- What's today's movie guys?
John- Dunno about you lot, but I love a good disaster movie.
Takuma- Guys, I seriously don't like the sound of this.
Shingo- So we're treating you to an entire run of the "Airport" series from the 70s.
They sit screaming at the sight of various airport disasters from the movies the brilliant "Airplane"originally spoofed. John and Shingo are now hyper as well as insane, thanks to drinking an entire family pack of Coke cans. Another plane comes towards them, and they decide it'll be fun to fly straight towards it, playing Chicken. They turn on the "Apocalypse Now" helicopter scene music full blast.
Mary- I can't take this any more! Terry, if I die, I'm sorry I thought you'd cheat on me!
Terry- That's OK Mary! If I die, I have to admit, I'd have slept with her!
King- Kick him to the curb Mary! Assuming we live!
John- OK guys, who wants to take bets. that the wussies on the other plane will back away before us. I bet they're shitting their pants right now!
Bao- So are we! I just have! (everyone looks at him disgusted) Uhh, sorry guys...
Shingo- Here they come! Closer... closer... I'm gonna moon their pilots when we see them through the windows. (they come very close, revealing the Metal Slug team in the other plane) Moonie! Ha ha!
The Metal Slug plane expertly dodges the crazed lunatics,and Shingo's bare arse. Then unexpectedly, they manouver closer, until the doors meet. At this point, Marco, Fio, Tarma, Eri and the two introduced in part four burst in armed, and take control of the plane (their own being flown by two beardy ex hostages). After this, the team safely fly everyone back home to Southtown.
Everyone that is except Shingo who when the door opened decided he wanted some fresh air. Popping his head out, the moronic teenaged fighter fell out and plummeted down toward the sea. Being the world's luckiest idiot, he landed unharmed in a cruise ship full of cute fangirls.
Note- Manhunt. A brilliant, incredibly violent game for the PS2 and Xbox, by the guys who did Vice City. You played a convict being hunted down by vicious gangs for a crazed movie director. The Wardogs were one of these groups, a crew of military nutters who talk about being "Stiffer than a geriatric's hip".
A change of location sees our housemates, and many other fighters in Osaka Japan for the weekend. The reason for this is that they are attending the annual "SNK-A-Thon" fan convention. This takes place in a large building filled with SNK themed stalls, stands, and crowds of fans, some of the freakier ones choosing to dress up as their idols. Mai Shiranui has really got into the spirit of things, surrounded by a horde of devoted, mostly horny fanboys.
Mai- That's right people, gather round. You may all begin worshipping me as your idol now. There's more than enough Mai to go round, so take your time.
Fans (chanting)- We... love...Mai... Mai...Is...God... (They then begin to shower Mai with money and gifts)
Mai- I love the effect I have on the masses. It's only right they acknowledge me as their queen. (Sees Gato and Bob in a corner) Hey Gato, look! I've got my own cult of devotees. Aren't I just the greatest, and sexiest person in the whole world ever?!
Gato- Piss off. You're fans are all sex starved losers. I didn't even wanna come.
Mai- You're just jealous because I'm universally well loved, and you're a miserable bastard no one likes.
Bob- So why were there a crowd of women at our door with burning torches shouting "Death to Mai!"?
Mai- Wives and girlfriends of the men who adore me. Jealousy does that to people. Come along lowly minions, you may all take photographs of me, which if you're lucky and I don't get tired, I might sign...
Away from the sickening Mai worship, Ralf walks around checking out various stalls and eating a "Genuine Kensou Pork Bun". He is very surprised to find crime boss Mr Big working at a "rare SNK games" stall. His ho's stand around sexily, posing with the games, which all look like cheap half arsed unofficial copies (they are).
Ralf- What the fuck... Mr Big? What are you doing working at a stall? Community service?
Mr Big- Are you kidding? This job's great. I get lots of money, and really get to connect with diehard fans. Watch this (spots a randon fanboy, dressed as K') Hey you? You want this "King Of Fighters 96, five months and nineteen days?" Very rare, a real collectors item?
Fanboy- No way. (Looks at the box) This looks like a crappy Mugen ripoff. And you sucked too.
Mr Big- (grabbing the fan and waving a stick in his face). I didn't ask you whether you wanted it, I told you that you do! You WILL pay me 600, 000 Yen for it and you WILL sign up for my mail order scheme!
Fanboy- Yes sir Mr... uhh, Mr Big sir! Second thoughts I'd be happy to! (takes out a wad of cash)
Ralf- I'm impressed. You're ability to sell useless crap at bank breaking prices. Learn that during your career as a crime boss? Before you ask, I'm not buying anything. Uhh, hey look, Bonne Jenet's doing a striptease over there! Bye... (runs off before Mr Big can "persuade" him to buy "Fatal Fury 4- Wrath of Hwa Jai")
Meanwhile fanboy favourite Iori Yagami walks around, giving autographs, posing for photos and enjoying praise. A few overly excited fangirls come up to him, with pads of paper and cameras. One nervously comes up to talk to him, giggling uncontrollably. Iori treats it as just another group of fans who love him.
Fangirl 1- Excuse me... hee hee, Iori?
Iori- What can I do for you cute girls, autographs, pictures? Sex in my hotel tonight?
Fangirl 1- Not really. We were just wondering, could you tell us where Shingo Yabuki is? Hee hee.
Fangirl 2- He's so cool. He's really stupid, but he's still lovable. We wanna meet him.
Iori- What!? Why in the name of Orochi would anyone want to see that retard instead of me?
Fangirl 1- So you can't help us? You're no fucking good are you? (They walk off, Terry and Mary approach, having seen it all)
Terry- Bad luck Iori. I thought everybody loved you?
Mary- I think he's lost it. Come on Terry, I wanna go to the "Samurai Showdown replica weapons" stall.
As Mary begins to walk off, another fangirl comes up to Terry. She is incredibly cute and sexy (like one of them oh so perfect manga girls), and wearing a hat like his, an "I love Terry" T Shirt and little else. Looking at him seductively, it is very clear what she wants, and Terry is very tempted. Just as our hero is about to say "yes" Mary rushes back and drags him away roughly by the neck.
Mary- What do you think you're doing?! You were going to cheat on me with some shameless hussy you've just met! Admit it, you would have, how could you?!
Terry- But Mary... she's... look at her? She's really... You'd have been the same if it was a man like that!
Mary- That's beside the point. Now, I want you to sit there, and think unerotic thoughts. You'd better not even think about her, or I'll beat you with the replica Charlotte sword you're going to buy me.
Terry- But I...
Mary- Unsexy thoughts NOW! I'm watching you. Think of the world's biggest turn offs!
Terry- Uhh... cold showers (works until an image of the girl in a shower appears in his mind) No wait! Hmm, bagpipe music (has the right effect until the girl comes back to his mind, in a very short kilt and blowing the end of a bagpipe, minus the hideous music ) OK, unerotic, how about rugby, nothing sexy there! (works until she appears again, this time in a very tight rugby shirt and tiny shorts)... Aw god this is hard..
Mary- I'm warning you Terry!
I didn't mean that sort of "hard" Mary, I swear! Let's see, unerotic unerotic... the Tellytubbies! German accents! Fatman Scoop! Bits of food between the teeth! The smell of dog food! Ash Crimson dancing in a leopardprint thong on a cold day! (all thoughts of sex leave him) Mary, I did it! I'm cured!
As Terry and Mary celebrate all things unsexy, Kula wanders around aimlessly until she spots the Southtown Socialist Militia For Ignored Sidekicks. Billy, Mature, Andy, Benimaru, Robert and Maxima have their own stall and shout about their "revoloution" to the crowds. Their stall is surrounded by flags, party manifestos, and pictures of their achievements.
Kula- What exactly are you guys selling?
Billy- We're selling "Revoloution" to the masses! We're gonna overthrow the so called heroes!
Random fan- But I like Kyo.
Andy- No you don't! You only think you like Kyo! You've been brainwashed by the man!
Kula spots a picture of them in camoflauge gear with metal baseball bats standing over the beaten body of Ryo Sakazaki.
Kula- What's this?
Mature- Oh that, what a day that was. (Shows picture to the crowds) This is when we captured Ryo, and re enacted a scene from that "Manhunt" game. We're dressed as the Wardogs.
Benimaru- We didn't actually kill him. But he sure learned his lesson.
Kula- Do K' next! Please? He cheated on me, and then went gay! (see earlier chapters)
Maxima- Ahh, poor thing. See how they treat innocent people, clearly too young to be their lovers!?
Token SNK Executive- Hey! You guys! No advertising non SNK games in this convention! Or you're banned next year!
Billy- You're days are numbered! We know where you live!
Kula leaves after being given an "I support the SSMFIS Revoloution!" T shirt. At the other end, Bob and Gato find a stall being run by irrelevant Fatal Fury 1 boxer turned retro icon Michael Max. As he's now back in fashion, Michael's store is made up of his own merchandise, including overpriced rubbish from the upcoming movie "The Michael Max Experience"
Michael- Hey guys. How about a movie poster? Action figures? There's me of course, Alfred, who plays "crap sidekick" in this film...
Bob- How the hell can you do a movie about yourself. You showed up briefly in one tournament, before quickly losing bred'ren.
Michael- I am the plucky underdog! And this movie tells the "true" story, in retro 1992 style of how I single handedly defeated the Orochi. (hands them a movie postcard of himself punching what is quite obviously Brian Battler dressed up as Orochi)
Gato- This is fucked up. In fact, so's this whole convention. Look, everywhere, stupid people, some in crappy home made costumes.
Bob- Give 'em a break, they're fans. We need them, they love us (sees a fat bearded man cosplaying as Shermie) AAHHHH! OK, I could do without that guy. Jesus that's disturbing! Eww, sick!
Gato- How could this get any worse?
Hotaru- Big brother, I found you! Come with me, you said we could go together. Let's go to Athena's stall, I want the Phsyco Soldier's Greatest Hits DVD, with the free outtakes disc! And then we cango for a ride on the fun looking Metal Slug Camel! YAY! This is fun, come on big brother!
Gato- Don't answer that Bob.
Gato is pulled away by his excitable sister. Bob turns away to find undersized Mexican wrestler Ramon being harrassed by a particularly stupid fanboy.
Dumb fanboy- Gabba Gabba Hey!
Ramon- What? Can I help you?
Bob- Oh, I get it, he thinks you're one of the Ramones.
Dumb fanboy- So which one are you supposed to be? Are you Dee Dee Ramone? Who's Sheena, and is she really a punk rocker? Is it true you were once a rent boy?
Bob- He's not one of those Ramones, retard. Dee Dee's dead anyway.
Ramon- Do I look anything like one of that group!? This is an SNK convention, what would one of the Ramones be doing here!?
Dumb fanboy- Now you mention it, youdon't look a thing like Dee Dee, or any of the others. You suck, you're a fraud.
The madness comes to an end, and many people, fighters and fans leave having spent lots of money on merchandise. The six housemates plus many other SNK stars board a plane headed back for Southtown. Former soldier and regular at Rick Strowd's drug den John Crawley is one of the pilots. His original co pilot quit, claiming John was a "Reckless, drug addled fuckwit, who shouldn't be flying a plane!" Which is true.
John- OK guys, I got an announcement. My co pilot quit today, probably jealous of my cool Top Gun aviator shades. He had to wear ugly Coke bottle glasses. But don't worry, I've found a replacement.
Terry- Oh thank Christ for that. I thought we'd be delayed.
John- Now, he's never flown a plane before, but he seems like an intelligent kid...
Joe- A kid. I don't like this.
Athena- Never flown a plane before?
John- So I want you all to give a nice big hello to your co pilot, what was your name again?
The co pilot turns to face the crowd, and it is... Shingo Yabuki. The moronic teen comdey relief fighter stands there in a pilots uniform, giving a thumbs up. Everybody is screaming at the thought of their lives being in the hands of this spaz.
Shingo- Good question. My mum writes it on my underwear now, after the time I woke up thinking I was Mukhai, do you ever get that? Anyway (looks into his underwear) Malin, that's my name! No wait, I don't think these are mine. Come to think of it, are these my feet? (stares at his feet, confused)
Kula- NOOOO! Not Shingo!
Kim- Anyone but him!
Joe- We're all gonna die! I just know it!
John- OK Shingo, let's get ready for takeoff.
Terry- It's not fair, how does he do it?! Everyone knows he's an idiot.
Yashiro- Almighty Orochi, please don't let me die again. Not like this.
After three failed attempts, where they nearly crashed into buildings, the plane is in the air. They're flying in a really haphazard way, that even stuntmen would consider too much. They even loop the loop once or twice, which caused quite a few passengers to vomit all over themselves. The plane then stops suddenly in mid air, and they begin to fall.
Ralf- What the hell are you guys doing!?
Mary- Fly the fucking plane dammit!
John- I wanted to stop, and show you all this really interesting looking cloud at the side. If you stare closely at it, squint, and have taken lots of drugs this morning, it kinda looks like Mudman from World Heroes.
Duck- We're falling! Do something! Now!
Shingo- Mudman? I think it's more the third enemy soldier you meet in level one of the fourth Metal Slug game myself. Maybe it's because I didn't take the drugs this morning.
Getting bored of the screaming passengers, John and Shingo make the plane fly again, away from the cloud (that just looks like any other cloud). They manouever the plane around in circles for a bit for no apparent reason before John takes out a map book. It is a "Hitchhikers guide to rural Transylvania", not the most useful thing to have right now.
John- OK, Southtown, that's in the States.Which is west...
Shingo- So let's go that way! (points in a direction completely wrong)
John- Nice one. I like you're quick thinking. Let's turn those speed thingies up as far as they'll go.
Passengers- AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Gato- We're doomed! Doomed I tell ya!
Kyo- I'm frightened! Save me!
Leona- Fuck this, I've had it! (storms off towards the parachute cupboard) HEY! Where's the fucking parachutes!?
Shingo- Oh those things. We thought it'd look really funny if we attached them all to the plane wings and let them open up as we flew. You can see out the windows.
Bob- Aw no, he's right for once! Look!
Through the windows, every parachute can be seen opened out at the back of the wings. Everybody but the insane pilots is now completely terrified. If they have to abandon the plane and don't quickly grow wings or something, they are truly fucked.
Ralf- Gato, even though I hate you! If I die and you survive, you can have the sniper rifle in my gun collection! I promised the M60 to Leona just now!
Kula- I'm too cute and lovable to die! Save me somebody!
Kim- Don'tlookdowndon'tlookdowndon'tlookdowndon't (plane loops the loop again) AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEE!
Athena- OK guys, as your goddess, I demand that you land this plane safely on the first bit of land we see!
Shingo- Yeah, well we're the pilots, and we're more important than you.
John- So sit back down and shut up. Now, since people are getting worked up, I thought we could have the in flight movie now.
Mai- Whew. At least that might help us stop thinking about this.
Griffon- What's today's movie guys?
John- Dunno about you lot, but I love a good disaster movie.
Takuma- Guys, I seriously don't like the sound of this.
Shingo- So we're treating you to an entire run of the "Airport" series from the 70s.
They sit screaming at the sight of various airport disasters from the movies the brilliant "Airplane"originally spoofed. John and Shingo are now hyper as well as insane, thanks to drinking an entire family pack of Coke cans. Another plane comes towards them, and they decide it'll be fun to fly straight towards it, playing Chicken. They turn on the "Apocalypse Now" helicopter scene music full blast.
Mary- I can't take this any more! Terry, if I die, I'm sorry I thought you'd cheat on me!
Terry- That's OK Mary! If I die, I have to admit, I'd have slept with her!
King- Kick him to the curb Mary! Assuming we live!
John- OK guys, who wants to take bets. that the wussies on the other plane will back away before us. I bet they're shitting their pants right now!
Bao- So are we! I just have! (everyone looks at him disgusted) Uhh, sorry guys...
Shingo- Here they come! Closer... closer... I'm gonna moon their pilots when we see them through the windows. (they come very close, revealing the Metal Slug team in the other plane) Moonie! Ha ha!
The Metal Slug plane expertly dodges the crazed lunatics,and Shingo's bare arse. Then unexpectedly, they manouver closer, until the doors meet. At this point, Marco, Fio, Tarma, Eri and the two introduced in part four burst in armed, and take control of the plane (their own being flown by two beardy ex hostages). After this, the team safely fly everyone back home to Southtown.
Everyone that is except Shingo who when the door opened decided he wanted some fresh air. Popping his head out, the moronic teenaged fighter fell out and plummeted down toward the sea. Being the world's luckiest idiot, he landed unharmed in a cruise ship full of cute fangirls.
Note- Manhunt. A brilliant, incredibly violent game for the PS2 and Xbox, by the guys who did Vice City. You played a convict being hunted down by vicious gangs for a crazed movie director. The Wardogs were one of these groups, a crew of military nutters who talk about being "Stiffer than a geriatric's hip".