Chapter 19: Concealed Reality

~ I don't have any choice any more. I am in a choiceless awareness. I don't have to be aware. I am simply aware. Now it is just like my heartbeat or like my breathing. Even if I try not to be aware, it is not possible; the very effort will make me more aware. Awareness is not a quality, a characteristic; it is your whole being. When you become aware, there is no choice left to be otherwise. ~ Osho ~

'thunk … thunk … thunk'

My pencil repetitively hits the Physics book that is open in my lap. I sigh heavily, making the glossy odd page to ripple. As I smooth the page back to the math formulation, I can't seem to understand it. No matter how much focus and effort into deciphering the meaning, it's still inexplicable; which continues to keep me in a very, bad, mood.

However, in all honesty, it's not really the math problem I am having difficulty in solving or causing the affixed temperament. More like the predicament that came upon at the time of my birth and the aftermath in which, created a massive disturbance in the universe and changing people's lives to the point of grotesque.

All because of a wish my mother was granted for me to breathe after birth and another to enter a parallel world. That knowledge alone left my heart feeling heavy and my mind feeling wretched. Not to mention, how unbelievably crazy it all went down and the possibility of time travel to witness the beginning of 'things'.

Was it even possible to have an out-of-body experience to travel back in time? I knew that answer. The facts are undeniable. Upon returning from the garage in nineteen ninety-five shortly after Sebastian spoke his words, I came back with the clothes I was dressed in at the beach and was soaking wet from head to toe in Sam's arms, on Allison's bed, in September twenty-twelve with Billy holding onto my hand and Old Quil standing behind his wheelchair as Jared and Paul stood at the end of bed. They all were appearing immobile and their faces affixed in similar confounded expressions.

I didn't give them or anyone a chance to observe the difference in my clothing or the wetness. Because during those few moments of being back, I realized I had complete control over myself again and the overall absence of Blackhawk. I leaped out of Sam's lap and pried my hand away from Billy's and the enclosure just as time un-paused. I left the Uley's home in such a speedily fashion that most was taken by surprise on my sudden recovery and exit without a word.

It's been three days since that evening at the Uley's. Three whole solid days as if time is passing through an eye of a hurricane and life is recovering from the wake of the storm. I'm still trying to make sense of things and process what really happened.

Were Sebastian's words to my mother in the garage correct that he is truly my father? Could it be possible that Blackhawk took me there to show how my conception followed by this miraculously of meeting one another and that he knew I existed? That Joshua and my mother claimed they had a relationship to hide my real identity from the public? And go through the extreme to lead that Charlie Swan may somehow be my father? Is it why I look so much like him and Bella and not Sebastian? Was it to keep Blackhawk from ever knowing who I really was? If all these questions are answered yes, then how did he ever find out? Who lead him to this truth and why?

There's no question whether Blackhawk is perilous and a lethal enemy of mine. I have no doubt whatsoever about that. It was even clearer when he said I was an abomination and should have never lived. But the remaining question is why? I am only human and no threat to him. I have nothing to use to fight against his evil ways.

I breathe a sigh of relief. There has been no sign, no hint, nothing from Blackhawk and for whatever reason that might be, I am truly grateful. I don't even say his real name for two reasons. One, I'm afraid if I did, it would summon him to me and two, Sebastian had been right about how powerful it is when you say his rightful name, even if you don't say it out loud following a demand.

I rest my head on the wicker chair and close my eyes, clearly frustrated and annoyed by the uncertainty. Aunt Maggie's back-porch has become my perch after school or rather after Libby's cheer practice since Tuesday evening. I sit in the outer white wicker chair under the kitchen window. My legs are up on the ottoman where Sami Jr lays keeping my feet toasty warm. The wolf cub is the only company I keep or will allow to be around me most of the time. I only exist enough to go through the motions of daily life without any gratifications.

The sliding glass door opens and in my peripheral vision, Libby pokes her head out. "Sammie, are you sure you don't want to come with us?"

I look up from my math homework which is sprawled out on my lap to meet her weary blue eyes.

"I'm pretty sure, Libbs." I say.

Curtly, I return my eyes to the physics book and pretend to be heavily invested into the math problem until the pencil in my hand begins to shake slightly. I realize it's visible to my best friend as my wrist rests upon the open notebook on the arm of the chair. I quickly put both hands together atop of the physics book and hope she didn't take notice. I deliver the usual parting line, "Tell everyone I said 'Hello'." in an aloof voice.

The sliding door didn't slam as usual. Instead, I felt her scrutiny. "They all miss you, you know. Jessie the most, I believe. Don't you want to see him at least?" I shake my head and shrug indifferently, but within, I cringe as the guilt fills my heart. Libby sighs heavily as if debating something. "Allie is making Bear Claw soup for supper. I hear it's really good, though there's not any Bear meat even in it."

When I don't acknowledge her statement or reply to it, she finally slams the door, rattling the glass. A minute later, I hear her tell Aunt Maggie by the kitchen window that I still needed time from whatever it was that was bothering me. I'd come around sooner or later and be the Samantha they all know and love.

"That's not likely, Libby." I mutter under my breath.

"Maybe," Aunt Maggie responds to Libby. "Well, I suppose we should go so we don't hold up another supper at the Uley's. I guess we'll just bring her back a plate again."

"Don't worry, Aunt Maggie. Sammie didn't talk much before. Anyways, she's a lot better than she was Tuesday. Then yesterday, she even interacted with the other cheerleaders. And today, she and I had an actual full length conversation at lunch. So she's improving. Maybe too slowly for our liking, but she is. You'll-" Libby's voice fades out.

Moments later, I hear the front door close and then the doors shut on my aunt's Lexus. As I hear the engine purr on the other side of the house, I remove the contents of my homework to stand and proceed down the few steps off the porch to the grill. Under the protected tarp is a sign I made two nights ago because of the repeatedly intrusion. I placed it on the porch post before going back to the wicker chair. It read in big letters from a black marker on a white poster board; "Warning: I will call Charlie Swan and simply expose you! Please go away & Don't attempt to talk to me!"

I knew the threat of exposing the wolves would halt any action to interact with me. Of course it is only a threat. One I would never follow through on. But they didn't need to know I was incapable of doing so. Besides, Charlie wouldn't believe any of it and I'd be locked up in a mental ward somewhere to never see the light of day again.

As for the Cullen's, I suspected Alice knew this to be true for if it wasn't, someone from the coven would have already came to suck the life out of me. Just the thinking of the image makes me recoil within and shiver on the outside.

The memory of Alice and Jasper restraining Emmett in the classroom from attacking me is still very fresh in my mind. It happened three days ago but it feels as if it was another lifetime after everything that came later at the Uley's.

At school, only three Cullens have made an appearance. Rosalie and Emmett has been MIA since the fiasco in fifth period on Monday. I knew I was the cause of their continued absence and I haven't been able to bring it up to Carlisle over the phone to find out exactly why Emmett reacted so menacingly towards me.

Even when I went to my schedule appointment at the hospital to see Dr. Cullen yesterday, I choked and chickened out. He made no comment about the incident either or even hinted that something was seriously wrong with Emmett or Rosalie. As matter of fact, there was nothing mention in our conversation towards school. Not even one query on what Libby and I thought of Forks High so far; which I found extremely odd. But then again, my answers to my health were short and précised and to the point.

Quite frankly, the examination took all of five minutes or less and then Carlisle left the small room as a medical technician came to do the tests he had ordered. He never did come back to release me or to give me further instructions. Only the nurse did and she said that Dr. Cullen will be in touch soon. Then she gave me an excuse for missing my last class and told me I was free to go.

All the way back to school and partly through Libby's cheer practice, I kept questioning; what is with his sudden withdraw from our friendship? And then as I stood on the sidelines watching the girls try a routine that just wasn't going to work out the way they were doing it, I realized it isn't him or anyone else abandoning friendships or life altogether, it was me and me alone. And I didn't know how to overcome my refusal to take part in casual conversations or simple interactions or even a thought pattern, much less understand the reason behind it.

Until the words spoken by Blackhawk on Monday evening re-entered my mind. "Keeping your emotions and bodily functions in overwhelming upheavals,"Is exactly what he had occurred to me yesterday, and even though I couldn't feel his overbearing presences in my mind or the control over any part of my body, that somehow, someway I was still under the influence from a spell he inflicted upon me in the beginning from our short mishap in Denver. Because I was sure for the time being, he has left me alone. But what I wasn't sure of was for how long. And I wouldn't wait around in limbo for him to do so nor would I allow him to have control over any part of me ever again without one a hellava' fight.

With that clarification and without much thought, I had interrupted the cheer practice by explaining what they all were doing wrong in their aerobatics and quickly enlighten them on how to do it the right way; the physics and mechanical idea of it anyway. There were some who had doubt but mainly because of Libby, the maturity didn't discount my logic including their Pep Squad coach.

Not long after, they had completed several successful 'Helicopters'. There were squeals from accomplishments with big smiles and high fives throughout the group. Though if I had known the slightest bit what the implication would be after reaching success, I would have remained silent. But no, I had to open my big, stupid mouth and be offered a spot on their team afterwards. I hastily responded in a 'no, thank you' but when their perkiness faltered some, it was as if I offended them somehow. I quickly used my recent health condition as an excuse to why I couldn't.

And then, I don't think anyone could have predicted the next offer from their coach or even my response. Not even I could believe the yes that spilled between my lips. It was Libby's super widening eyes and her beaming smile before embracing me into an excited hug in order for it to click that I was now an assistant coach for eleven spunky Spartan Cheerleaders.

What the hell have I got myself into? And how or why did I utter a yes? It was so unlike me.

It would be much later in the evening that I'd come to a conclusion about why I said yes. It was purely simple. Teenage rebellion; it was the way to go to defy against this possible spell of Blackhawk's. Any adult hates a difficult teenager, especially if that adult is a male and the teenager is a girl. And what else would stir the pot; eleven loud cheerleaders around.

So today, I eagerly broke my number one rule at school, (not to get involved with my peers and their social activities afterschool), and accepted an invitation to go to an after game party tomorrow night with Libby and the spunky cheerleaders.

However, I learned after school through Mrs. Crowley at the assistant coach orientation to get certified, that it is my duty to go to these certain functions with the cheerleaders. Therefore, I'm not really breaking my number one rule. Go figure. I would just have to find other ways to rebel or another aspect to break the possible spell I maybe under.

I heard and felt some type of movement disrupting my deep thoughts. Sami Jr. had jumped off the ottoman and is now going down the steps. It is then I notice the sun had set behind the too green flora and the temperature had fallen a few degrees. I suppose as soon as the wolf cub finishes his routine snoop and potty break in the backyard, I'd put him in his kennel for the night and go to the garage for a few minutes before heading to bed.

As I was packing my schoolwork into the leather tote, I felt the closeness of a hard stare. I was no longer alone on the porch and it wasn't Sami Jr. Though I didn't halt my action and continued as if they weren't even there. Despite my warning on the poster, this creäture of the night decides to call my bluff. Honestly, why couldn't he just leave me alone for a while to figure things out?

Hastily, I placed the tote on the inner wicker chair and proceeded towards the steps without looking on the other side of the porch where I knew he stood watching me.

"Hello Sammie," It wasn't Sam's voice.

Abruptly, I halted on the first step of four and slightly turned sideways towards my visitor. By now it's dark. And it's a full moon. The porch light is off and the only light available came from above the kitchen sink, casting shadows onto the wicker chairs outside but none to where I needed it to see who it was. A cold shiver ran up my spine like a snake slithering up a tree. I shuddered, crossing my arms in hopes of comfort.

"I apologize. I didn't mean to scare you." He said as a pale silhouette slowly moved out from the darkness.

Once he got to the edge of the porch, he stood quietly between the corner and center post where it was possible to view him with the light illuminating from the kitchen. I immediately notice the hair style and shade of color.

I let out a breath that I didn't know I had held back. "It's Edward, right?"

"Yes," He replies without looking away from the backyard. "It's nice to meet you. Officially."

"Same here, officially." I said as my legs felt like they were going to buckle from the unsettling tension. Briskly, I sat down on the first step, resting my elbows on my knees. I didn't want to embarrass myself by falling down. I've done enough of that lately to last a lifetime.

"How do you like Forks?"

Suspiciously, I look up at him, gripping my knee caps and straightening my posture. I know Edward Cullen didn't come here tonight just to scare the dickens out of me or to meet me 'officially'. It's an ice breaking question. What does he want? Could it be detailed information on the books? That's a huge possibility since Carlisle had mentioned it last Sunday evening.

I took a deep breath, relaxing a little. "Not too much to be honest." I say looking over my left shoulder for Sami Jr., wondering where he was. It's unlike him to wander in the backyard without making some sound by stepping on mounts of leaves.

"I'm sorry about that."

"About what?" I said puzzled, shifting my gaze to his profile and found a sincere expression.

"Monday with Emmett." He replies in a stoic tone.

Oh. "Uh, about that, what did happen exactly? With Emmett? Is he okay? Is Rosalie?" I blurted out the inquiries without thinking.

Edward shifted his weight to one foot as he turned his tall, lanky build towards me. His sincere expression is replaced with one who appears curious, lifting his eyebrows and tilting his head.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry." I say quickly, shifting my gaze in a downcast.

"No. I apologize. It's just …never mind. They are both fine. They came back today from hiking and camping at Goats Rock since we're moving tomorrow."

Immediately, my blood drained from my face. I swear my heart skipped a beat or two before it jump-started into a frenzy. My breath caught in my air way. Breathe, Just Breathe. My heart beats erratically against my sternum from the panic now. My head begins to pound with each painstaking heartbeat.

Shakily, I stood up, taking the step to stand fully onto the porch, facing him directly. We are four feet away from one another. As I took two steps forward, he took two backwards. I couldn't let them leave. I tried my best to utter a plea of 'no, please don't' but nothing, not a sound came from within. It's as if someone or something strangled my larynx where I couldn't speak. Instantaneously, my hands went to my throat.

I literally stomped my foot, "Damn you, Blackhawk! To the very bottom of the pit in Hell! I know this is because of You! ...Sebastian wherever you are I hope you can hear this and it's granted. I wi-." Wait! WHOA! Oh. My. God.

"Sammie," Edward said in alarm, bringing my attention back to him.

For a moment, I had forgotten he was here at all, standing close in front of me. I realize in a second that my hands are clutching my head, my eyes are wide and my mouth is open that forms a '0'. Twenty seconds later, I close my mouth, shut my eyes and lowered my hands to the front, and began wringing them nervously all the while as blood rushes into my face. I imagine he's thinking I'm a complete airhead or just plain nuts.

"Sammie, are you alright?" That isn't Edwards's voice.

Astounded, my head turns and my eyes flash open to the sound of his spoken chime. Carlisle stood off to my left side with a concerned expression. It was if he had been there all this time. There was not even a sound of his footfalls on the steps or porch.

Suddenly confused, I shake my head no. Not because my body was no longer in panic mode, although I could still feel the edginess of anxiety running throughout my entire body in which leads me to believe Jasper is close and using his mood stabilizer to calm me.

No, it's the spell that's befuddling my thoughts. I think I may have figured out something vital, but now my mind is empty of that knowledge. But it's much more than that. I can only remember certain parts of the last three days. What is Blackhawk concealing from me?

~o ~ O ~ O ~ O ~ o ~