Insomnia
Chapter Twenty

Two Months Later

"Thought 'bout what Leo said?"

Donatello glanced away from the van's motor in irritation. He and Raph had returned home early from an uneventful patrol, and were enjoying their time alone together.

Or, they were, until Raphael brought that up. Donnie sighed, rubbing his face and unknowingly smearing the oil on his forehead.

"I know it's taking an extended amount of time for me to get comfortable with the idea of including Mikey," Donnie said apologetically. "I'm sorry. I'm working on it, I really am-,"

Raphael snorted a laugh. "Don't gotta be sorry to me. I was just wonderin'."

Donnie sighed again, resting against the bumper dejectedly. He'd expected the gentle nudging from Leo, but not from Raph. "I'll sit down with Mikey tonight and-,"

"Hey, Don, relax," Raphael chuckled, leaning forward to rest an arm around his shoulders. "I ain't in no hurry, trust me."

"What?" Donnie shifted to look up at him, confused. "Then why-,"

Raphael shrugged, his smile tinged with an emotion Donnie couldn't identify. "Seriously. I was just curious is all."

"Will you say what you mean instead of forcing me to guess?" Donnie asked, exasperated.

The change in Raphael was immediate; the smile disappeared, his eyes narrowed. His grip on Donnie's shoulder tightened as he spoke hesitantly. "I- Well- Look, Don, I know Leo was gonna bring this up sometime. He don't mean anything by it. He ain't tryin' to rush ya. It's just… Well, he's Leo, y'know? He loves all of us."

Donnie noted the faltering of his voice. Puzzled further, he prompted Raphael silently with a nudge.

"But…" Raphael looked down, his face drawn with shame. "Ain't that way for me. I mean, I like Mike. Love him, y'know. But… It's just different. You an' Leo… Yer enough for me. I'm happy."

"Raph." Donnie gripped his arm for emphasis. "If you're uncomfortable with the idea, then-,"

"No, no." Raphael shook his head violently. "I ain't gonna begrudge Mike his fun. 'Cause if I was him, I know I'd be chompin' at the bit to win you guys over."

"You would never have put yourself in his position in the first place," Donnie replied absently, his mind racing to absorb this new information.

"'Kay, that's true. But still. S'like he said… S'only fair."

"When have you ever been concerned about being fair?" Donnie teased. He was pleased when he was rewarded with a small smile.

"Also true," Raphael admitted. "I'm selfish, Don. Don't want Mike to- to trivialize our time together. You an' Leo, ya make me feel special. Unique." He finally glanced up. "Mike ain't gonna do that," he added bitterly. "So I want you two to myself for s'long as I can."

Donatello counted five breaths before replying. "Raph, it's not selfish for wanting to be unique- especially when you've grown up with three brothers."

"It is when ya want it bad enough to hurt one of yer brothers."

"You don't want to hurt Mikey; you simply don't want to lose what you have," Donnie said patiently. He scooted closer, wrapping his arms around Raphael's neck and leaning against him. "And you won't, Raph. I promise."

"But Leo's gotta think of all of us," Raphael said sullenly.

"Yes, he does," Donnie whispered. "He does it for us, Raph. So that you and I don't have to." He rested his head in the crook of Raphael's neck, smiling against the dark skin. "You and Leo will always be special to me. I know Leo has to strike a balance between us all. But, Raph; there can be balances within our team. Special somethings between each of us, just for us."

"I wish Leo would do that," Raphael sighed, tightening his hold around Donnie.

"I don't think you give him enough credit, Raph. He's devoted to you in an entirely different manner than he is to me. But even so, I will do this. With you." Donnie briefly wondered if they were entering dangerous territory, but logged it away to think about later. "Our special something can be this. You are unique, Raph, you just don't see it. But I'll do my best to show you how much I appreciate it. In and out of the bedroom."

There was a moment of silence as they both turned the idea over in their minds.

"And we can all still, y'know, work, right?" Raphael asked hopefully.

"Absolutely."

"Then I guess I'll share," Raphael said, sighing dramatically. "S'long as I don't gotta share this." He nuzzled Donnie's head with his nose. "An' if you call me a sap, I'll punch yer lights out."

"Don't worry," Donnie chuckled. "We're allowed to be sappy at times. Even you. In fact, I've suspected for some time that you're the sappiest of-"

Raphael snarled and shoved Donnie back on his shell. The ensuing fistfight continued until Leo and Mike found them ten minutes later, and happily joined in.

And when their hands began wandering in gentler, softer touches, no one complained.

Not even Donnie.

~Fin

[Author's Note]
If you've come this far, I want to personally thank you for reading this story.

As with most of my writing, I use stories as my own version of personal therapy. This story was immensely hard for me to write because I went through a somewhat similar situation that Donnie did. However, my experience was a lot more violent, heart-breaking, and does not have a happy ending.

But this story... This is my happy ending. This is me, accepting who I am and what happened to me. Nothing can change what and how it happened; but writing a happy ending to such a terrifying experience has carried me through my own fear and out the other side, back into the light. Back to hope that someone, someday, might love me, even if I still feel tainted.

Once again, thank you for reading.

See you in my other stories that I so desperately need to update! (cough, cough)

~cndrow (FFnet) / Succubii (DeviantArt)