Title: On My Knees
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Warning: So... I don't always remember to include this warning in my stories. This chapter contains character death. So be prepared to lose someone by the end...
Summary: Five years, and she's still struggling just to survive.
Chapter Sixteen: Wishing It All Away
Years later, as Maria watches over her friends with the melancholy sadness that will constantly haunt her in the future, she will thank back to this day. It was the day that everything changed for her, the day when she finally realized that wishing and hoping never fixed a problem. The revelation that closing your eyes doesn't work, that the world will still be there when you open them, that you will always have to face the past and the future and every second of the present... it is that that finally leads her to acceptance.
No longer will she wish so fervently to change the past. No longer will she dwell on things that cannot be changed.
But that day... that day she had not yet reached that acceptance. That day, she still wished all the pain would fade away. That day, she was not willing to forgive or to forget. And yet...
It will take many years before the acceptance truly came, but looking back from the future, she will know that the beginning of it started on that day.
The hospital was quiet. So quiet, in fact, that Maria felt the strong desire to run through the halls, screaming at the top of her lungs. Anything to break the uneasy feeling that hung in the air, the trepidation, as though they were marching to their own death.
Maybe they were.
She chanced a look at Tess. The blonde alien clung tightly to Nick, her face emotionless and pale. But Maria thought she saw something deep within those blue eyes, and wondered how much strength it took the hybrid just to be here.
She switched her gaze to Isabel and inhaled slowly, unsure. The Princess pitied Tess. She had admitted that forgiveness might never come, that friendship might be far too much to ask, but still... she pitied Tess. In the midst of all this pain and heartache - Jesse, Alex, Liz - she still found room for pity in her heart.
Maria didn't. It wasn't that she didn't see the haunted look in Tess' eyes. She saw that emotion, just like she saw it reflected in Max's burning stare. Thoughts of Liz drifted between the group, no one sure of what to say, and pity for anyone else seemed like far too much of a sacrifice when it was her own best friend who was dying.
Michael rested his hand on her arm, his eyes filled with concern, and she felt the beginnings of something, a stirring of guilt. Shouldn't she feel something for everyone else? She was not the only one who cared about Liz, and she was certainly not the only one who risked losing the brunette. But...
How could she explain it? How could she ever make them understand that something was telling her that this loss would be so much more hers than anyone elses? It was as though an icy grip had twisted around her stomach, holding her tight, refusing to let her relax. And somehow she knew that no one else felt this. No one else knew with as much assurance as she did that something horrible lay ahead.
"Here," Max said suddenly. "Stop here. Tess, can you mind-warp from this far away?"
Maria watched as Tess nodded hesitantly. "I... I think so."
"You think so?" Maria asked, her voice high-pitched, worry clouding everything else. "That is not enough."
"I haven't mind-warped in a while," Tess answered, dropping her gaze to the ground. "I... I think I can do it. I just..." She didn't finish the sentence, and Maria felt a sudden welling of red-hot anger.
"You think?" she sneered again, and turned away, pointedly ignoring Isabel's reprimanding look.
"We don't really have a choice, do we?" Max pointed out logically, and Maria could not deny the truth of those words. And yet... she did not want to put a plan into motion that depended so heavily on what Tess thought she might be able to do. She took a step away from the group, and no one followed her.
Sinking into the heavy metal bench, she took a look at their surroundings. They were in a hallway near the entrance to the ICU, where Liz was. The walls were white, the ceiling was white, the floor was white. White tile and wood and the smell of bleach and disinfectant and...
"Hey."
She looked up at Michael. "What?" she snapped, harsher than she had intended.
He stepped back, hurt flickering through his eyes. "I was just going to ask if you are alright," he said in annoyance, "but I guess I won't bother."
"Michael..." she started, and then stopped. She wanted to say she was just worried for Liz, but it was more than that. It was something she did not understand, something she could not explain. She was terrified... but she had no idea what it was that frightened her so much.
"Max will take care of Liz," Michael said, his hard expression softening. "We all will."
Maria nodded, looking past Michael towards the alien king. Somehow, she found no comfort in Michael's words. It just wasn't enough anymore. He might believe that everything would work out for them, but somehow, inexplicably...
She knew better.
Colors.
White. The white of the hospital. The too-clean feeling of antiseptic soap and latex gloves and...
Green. Earth drenched in dew, the smell of dawn and the heat of the sun rising slowly in the sky and...
Jealousy. Greed. Green, dark with envy.
Red, the color of passion and love and hate. Ardor and fervor and all the things that drove men and women mad, pushed them past sanity into something dark and endless and...
Black. A void. Nothing.
That was how she saw the mind.
It was impossible to explain to anyone who had not been inside another person's mind just h0w truly complex and wonderous the brain was. It was so strong, so capable of almost anything - mind over matter - if you just believed hard enough. And yet...
You destroyed my mind. How could you do this to me?
... so fragile. So easily corrupted, twisted, ruined.
Colors.
Pink, like a newborn's skin, like a delicate rose petal, like bubblegum. Pink, like lipstick and blush and high-heeled shoes...
Blue, pale as a robin's egg, as the sky, and fresh as a breeze, a rush of wind, the world after a sudden rain. Alive and at peace and... Dark as the midnight sky, as the depths of the ocean, and just as terrifying...
Yellow. The sun. Warmth. Fire. Destruction and burnt buildings and... Yellow, the color of spring.
She passed by the minds of those she recognized, dwelling on briefly on their colors. Twisting colors of worry and fear and distrust and suspicion and pity and pain and loss and heartache and...
Startling, fierce, uncontrollable fear.
Emotions coming together to form a picture she had always known existed and yet not really understood until that very moment, until she saw just how much everything had hurt them.
I'm sorry.
She said it in the silence of her own mind as she grappled with the minds of others, others she did not know. She could feel Max moving into Liz's room, seen by no one save her own rapidly tiring mind, and prayed somehow she would hold on long enough for Liz to live, for Max to succeed, for her to get a chance to say...
I'm sorry.
Everything was orange. In her mind, for reasons she had never quite understood, orange was the color of regret.
Maria watched as Max stepped beyond her line of vision towards Liz's room. She looked away from his lingering shadow and back to the others. Jim had remained behind with Kate, Charlie, and little Alex. The boy's absence seemed suddenly conspicuous, a gaping hole in the group, and Maria could not help but wonder why. She had only seen him for a few short hours, and already she was thinking of him as just another member of the group.
Perhaps it was the frightened expression that somehow still managed to grace Tess' features even as she allowed herself to sink into the struggles of mind-warping. Tess no longer appeared whole, not without her son.
Nick was standing slightly in front of Tess, shielding her from the view of any nosing nurses or strangers passing by. The last thing any of them could afford would be the intrusion of some well-meaning doctor wanting to know if Tess was alright.
Maria clenched her fingers tightly around the curved end of the metal bench and felt her heart beat with a steady, pounding thud in her chest.
Michael and Isabel were standing in the middle of the hallway, looking towards the direction Max had been only moments before. Maria swallowed back her own pain as she stared at the deep lines on Isabel's face, testimony to the exhaustion she had endured. They still had not buried Jesse, still had not laid to rest the rumors that flooded through all of Boston, seeping into the East Coast. The FBI were supposed to take care of it, but...
When? How? And at what cost? Maria had a feeling that perhaps she did not want to know the answer to those questions.
Small beads of sweat appeared on Tess' forehead, and her eyes began to roll beneath the lids, the mind-warp wavering. Maria's hands clenched even more tightly, and her lips pressed into a thin line, white, bloodless.
She looked over to Michael. He was not looking at her. She looked back to the floor.
Valenti shifted a little uneasily, staring at Maria with sympathy in his eyes. She could hear the sounds of laughter floating through the partially open door from the main room of the diner, and knew the rest of her friends were out there, having a good time. But Valenti's eyes told her that this good time would end. Now. Here. At this very moment.
And nothing would ever be the same.
"Maria..." he started, and then stopped, choking on the words. He lowered his gaze for a moment, took a slow breath, and then met her eyes once more. "Maria, there was an accident."
She blinked uncomprehendingly. "What do you mean?"
"Alex... his car... he ran into another vehicle and lost control..." He stopped, eyes glistening with unshed tears, and she waited for the finishing words, waited for him to tell her that Alex was in the hospital, that he'd been injured, that he was still...
Alive.
"The car went over the side of a cliff," Valenti added.
The dishes fell from her hands, shattering on the floor, broken ceramics and stone and glass and spewed food and liquids and...
"Alex is dead."
She did not even realize she was screaming as the sound tore itself from her throat, as she turned on her heel and ran back to her friends, back into the main room that was filled with light and happy smiles and people who had no idea that the world had just been irrevocably changed. She flung herself, sobbing, into Liz's arms, and the world seemed to dissolve all around her.
The first time she had learned that Liz had cancer, she had refused to believe it. The second time they spoke about it, she had optimistically started looking for herbal treatments. The third time, she had given Liz a tight hug and then left the room, breaking down into sobs on the tile floor in her kitchen while Michael wrapped his arms tightly around her and whispered comforting words in her ear.
The skins had destroyed Alex's mind. Through Tess, they had taken away one of her best friends. And now Liz... She looked back towards the hallway, the anger simmering, seething, fighting to erupt. Now they had tried to take Liz away as well. Wasn't it enough that she was dying of cancer? Did they have to do this to her as well?
She closed her eyes, her body shaking with silent tears. A hand rested on her shoulder, and she could smell Michael's scent. She did not look up at him, but she slowly linked her fingers through his, as though able to take some of his strength for herself. For Liz.
Once upon a time, she had dreamt of being a molecular biologist.
I want to study cells, Mommy. The little living things inside of you that make you do stuff. They're like Legos for your body. Building blocks.
Once upon a time, her biggest worry had been whether or not Maria would remember to come to her house that afternoon to work on their homework. And it was really a pointless worry, because Maria never showed up anyway. She was always too busy looking at some star or flower or ant or whatever. And sniffing echinacea.
Is that a drug?
Of course not, Liz! It's a plant. It calms you and boosts your immune system. It's good for you.
You sure it isn't a drug?
Once upon a time...
She smells colors and sees sounds. Maybe that is what happens when you lose your mind. Everything becomes so jumbled that pink is not seem, but rather smelled, as the linger scent of roses and tulips and a strange mix of pine and cedar and grapefruit. And the few notes of a flute or a guitar, the slam of a heavy door, the gentle lull of a mother's voice as she sings a lullaby, are all seen, not heard. Like bursts of light, of white and black against a gray background. Changing shapes, frequencies, movement, all to match the resonating sound she can only see.
And her thoughts, jumbled as they are, can only be interupted by simpe phrases and sentences, memories tossed out of order that mean little to her now that she barely even remembers who she is.
Liz, I love you. And I have made so many mistakes, but I have never stopped loving you. Everything that is good in me, and none of the bad... you created that. You make me want to be a better person, a better leader. I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?
Some names stand out stronger than others. Sometimes she glimpses something that feels like home. Sometimes, she has a brief idea of who she might have been before this chaos.
Sometimes...
The voice calls to her. Through the swirling mists of frenzied panic, she can hear the words. Really, truly hear them. Soft and gentle, like warm milk, like feathered down. She inhales sharply, wanting to go there, but far too terrified to follow the unknown.
But the voice is still calling, and for a moment the chaos around her seems to fade, to grow calm and understandable, and she remembers, just for that moment, who she is and what happened and who is calling her.
"Max," she whispers, just before everything turns to black. It is black for a long time. No thoughts, no sounds, no smells. Just emptiness. Just a void. Just a long expanse of nothing, and she wonders if this is the way it will be for the rest of her life.
And then she sees it... a small, flickering light, beckoning her forward. And with thoughts of Max still filling her mind, she walks towards the light.
Max looked up at the sound of the door opening, his attention momentarily drawn away from his wife. Although he knew that Tess was doing her best to keep him invisible to all the nurses and doctors that moved quietly through the halls of the Intensive Care Unit, he could not help but feel nervous every time someone looked in his direction. Would they see him?
And every time, they looked straight through him, as though he wasn't even there, and he breathed a sigh of relief.
The man approached Liz and stared at her for a moment. His face was obscured by the hood pulled over his head, but when he reached his hands out towards the unconscious brunette, Max saw that his fingernails were chipped and caked with mud.
This was not a doctor.
In a flash, he threw out one hand, sparks dancing at his fingers, and shoved the stranger away from Liz. The man fell, his hood sliding from his face, and twisted frantically, searching the room for his invisible enemy.
"Is it a mind-warp protecting you, little King?" he sneered, and as he rose to his feet, Max said that his eyes were a pale, inhuman green. "Your Queen can do all she wants, but it won't be enough to stop me." He blinked once, and then his eyes were completely black. "I can see you," he taunted in a sing-song voice, and to prove his point, he sent a rush of energy from his hand directly towards Max.
Max ducked, and then the door was wrenched open and two nurses ran into the room. They stopped, horrified, at the sight of this stranger, and the younger of the two nurses began to back away slowly, lips parted, breathing shallow. The older nurse, however, walked boldly forward and said, "You will need to leave."
The stranger turned and smiled at her. "I don't think so," he answered, and pressed his hand to her chest.
She collapsed. Dead.
The mind-warp flickered for a moment, and the surviving nurse turned to Max with a gasp of, "Where did you come from?" But then Tess' mind-warp was back, drawn up sharply around Max on all sides, and the nurse stared, uncomprehendingly, at the place where she was sure she had seen another person standing.
But all those thoughts vanished as the stranger turned towards her menacingly, and as his fingers touched the skin on her throat, she felt a burst of fire and pain, and then she was gone. Her lifeless body fell next to the other nurse.
Max attacked the strange alien again, but this time his attack was harmless. The stranger moved aside, and the energy crashed into the wall, creating a large dent in the plaster.
The stranger turned his still black eyes to Max. "Oh, nice try, Zan," he mocked.
Several doctors were now running towards the room, but Max knew if they entered they would be killed. He had no other choice, so he pointed his hand at the door and sealed the edges, then melted the doorknob. It would not hold them for long, and Max was not sure it would be enough. But it was all the safety he could give them right now.
"So concerned about the wellfare of others?" the stranger asked as he and Max began to circle each other cautiously, warily. "So noble of you. But you always were a ridiculously noble fool."
"Who are you?" Max demanded fiercely.
"An assassin, your Majesty," was the sneering reply.
"You're trying to assassinate Liz?" Max hissed, the fury welling within. The anger was there, just below the surface, ready to explode at any moment. He would ruin this alien. He would kill him, and Khivar, and everyone else who ever tried to hurt his family.
"Of course," the alien answered. "Although," he looked at the brunette, "it seems Khivar has already beaten me to it."
Max frowned. "Khivar didn't send you?" he asked, momentarily stunned by that little bit of information. He let his gaurd down just long enough to ponder the question, and the stranger took the opportunity to attack. Max barely had time to dodge out of the way. He fell to the floor, rolling to the side, and felt the mind-warp flicker once more. Tess would not be able to hold it much longer.
"Of course not," the assassin answered viciously. "I would never work for him."
"But then..." Max trailed off as he rose to his feet. This was not the right time for questions, although he could not quite get the uneasy feeling out of his mind.
"Ask your pretty Queen. She turned her back on us once, but I won't let you ruin our plans a second time."
At precisely that moment, the mind-warp faded, and Max was standing in full view. Not that it made much of a difference for the strange alien who could see through the mind-warp or the two dead nurses who could see nothing at all.
But Liz was not healed yet. He looked at her, then back to his enemy, calculating, weighing his options, trying to come up with a plan.
At that moment, the door burst open, blown off its hinges. Max and the stranger turned in time to see Michael and Isabel rushing through the door, Maria close behind. It was only a matter of seconds before Michael had thrown the enemy alien to the ground, and Isabel had rushed to Liz's side.
"Max, finish healing her," Isabel ordered tersely. "Hurry. Michael and I will take care of him." And she moved back towards Michael, towards their enemy.
Maria came to Liz's side and rested her fingers lightly on her best friend's hand. "Hold on, chica," she whispered as Max pressed his hand against Liz's head and began whispering for her to open her eyes.
Lids flickered, just for a moment, and doe-eyes sought out Max's gaze.
The connection was formed again.
Maria pressed her fingers down onto the smooth skin beneath her hand. Liz looked so frail, so worn out. How many aliens would try to kill them? How many more deaths would she be forced to endure before they were finally safe?
In the middle of sitting nervously in the hallway outside the ICU, her vindictive and hate-filled thoughts had been interrupted by Isabel's sudden cry of shock and pain. Somehow, the hybrid knew her brother was in trouble, and that had been all that was necessary for Michael to rush towards Liz's hospital room, with Isabel and Maria in quick pursuit. Tess had finally collapsed, unable to hold the mind-warp any longer, and Nick had stayed by her side.
So now she was here, and Michael and Isabel were fighting someone who appeared so much stronger than they were, and Liz was still lying pale, hovering between life and death, her very future resting in Max's outstretched hands.
There was a sudden cry, and she turned in time to see Michael fall to the ground, blood spilling from his shoulder. Isabel was faltering, unable to stand against the attack much longer, and the hallway beyond the room was filled with curious doctors and nurses and patients who could not help but stand and gape at the scene before them.
Exposure.
So dangerous. Exactly what they had fought against for so long. And yet, somehow...
It didn't seem to matter to Maria. Nothing matter. Nothing except the blood seeping from Michael's injured arm and the pallor of Liz's face as she tried to fight off certain death.
The stranger turned towards Max, Maria, and Liz. His eyes had returned to their inhuman green.
And Liz gasped for breath and jolted awake, eyes searching the room, confusion and bewilderment filling every line on her face. Max seemed to sag with relief at her side, but that did little to ease the worry that reflected in her brown eyes, or to stop the feeling of trepidation that was slowly spreading through Maria's body.
The strange alien cried out, voice twisted into a shriek of rage, "You won't win! Fool, do you really think we will let your humans live?" And he pointed his hand at the newly awakened Liz, who understood none of what was happening all around her.
When time stops, and everything suddenly becomes crystal clear, falling into alignment, that is when a person knows that everything is about to irrevocably change.
Some say your life flashes before your eyes before you die. Others say death comes with a sense of peace, of tranquility. Others claim it is neither of those, but just a silent scream of terror that never quite fades.
In the split second after the burst of deadly energy had left the enemy alien's palm and before it collided with Liz's chest, Maria knew Max could not raise his shield in time. She knew Liz was going to die.
And she knew exactly how far a person might be willing to go when someone they loved was in danger.
Michael turned just in time to see Maria throw herself forward, catching the attack meant for Liz. As the blonde tumbled across the hospital bed, her eyes glazing over with pain and approaching death, he could do nothing but stare in helpless shock.
And the very last thing Maria saw was Michael's horrified expression, and then she was gone.
The woman sent the books scattering from the desk and crashing onto the floor, her face a picture of fury and denial and frustration. "It was not supposed to happen that way!" she hissed in a rage. "She was not supposed to die."
Her superior frowned. "You really should control your temper," he said casually. "This display is not acceptable." He folded his hands carefully on the smooth surface of his desk and leaned back in his seat, staring at the fallen books. "You did your best. Sometimes there are things that are simply out of our control, Agent."
She exhaled in a short huff. "I tried to convince Mrs. Parker-Evans. And she tried to convince Mr. Evans. And for what? Nothing at all!"
The man shrugged. "It did not make a difference either way. Mr. Evans was not going to give up on his wife. We underestimated his love for her. Had she died..." He trailed off with a sigh. "You are right, it was for nothing. But Thompson and White are proceeding well. Let's focus on that."
She snorted in disbelief. "We all thought Liz Parker-Evans would be the target."
"She was the target," the man replied pointedly. "You saw the surveillance tapes. We could not foresee that Ms. DeLuca would act in the way she did."
"And now she's dead, and no one knows how Mr. Guerin will take it, and the aliens have exposed themselves for the entire world to see." She sank into the seat opposite the desk and stared at her superior. "How did we not plan for this? We had every other possible action mapped. We had contingency plans for anything that could happen, anything at all! How did we not even think that Maria could die?"
"We make a mistake," he said simply. "Accept it and move on. There is far too much at stake to waste time thinking of what we should have done differently." His tone softened somewhat at her annoyed expression, and he said, "Jennifer, I know how difficult it was for you to leave your husband and child. For you to let them think you are dead. But remember why you are doing this. Remember what makes you get up each morning and continue to fight."
"Saving the world so that my daughter will not grow up in fear." She blinked a few times. "Still... we haven't managed that yet, have we. The exposure..."
"Will be addressed and contained."
She gave him a look, then slowly nodded. "What now?"
The man considered this for a moment, then said, "Make contact with Liz Parker-Evans again. Make her understand why they have to keep fighting. If she understands, she can convince Mr. Evans. And he can convince Mr. Guerin. Above all else, they must not stop fighting!"
"Are you really sure Liz will be able to convince him?"
He shrugged. "If she cannot do it, no one can."
The woman rose. "Yes, sir," she said.
"Agent Valenti," the man called just as she was about to leave the room. She looked back, and he said seriously, "Do not forget. No matter what happens, no matter who is sacrificed. Do not forget the entire world is at stake. You cannot stop fighting either."
Jennifer Valenti nodded. "I know," she said quietly. "I know."