First of thank you all for the Reviews,... I love them

second, I'm sorry it took me quite a while to update, i had the whole chapter finished and when re-reading it for errors I decided it wasn't as good as I hoped so I deleted the whole chapter and started anew... Still I'm not totally happy with the last part, I am however very excited about this chapter...

we get a little insight in Carlisle thoughts about Esme's transformation...

please review...let me know what you think...

Chapter 20

"Rosalie, could you please focus." I said with a sigh, "I need to take Renesmee's measurements and I can't if you won't help me."

It was the now, the too many times I had to put a stop to the fight between Rosalie and Jacob. Again they were bickering about Jacob's nickname for Renesmee.

"But Carlisle, then please tell Jacob her name is Renesmee, not Nessie." Rosalie wailed.

"oh, no… I'm not going to interfere with that, you two will have to sort that out with Bella and Edward." I told her and held up the measuring tape.

It was ridiculous actually, this whole discussion. Not that I didn't get Rose's point, Bella named her Renesmee for a reason and we should honor that, but I was more drawn to Jacob's point of view. Renesmee was indeed a awfully large name for something so small. Even though we were talking about naming an angel, Nessie just fitted better for the little girl that now helpfully stretched out in front of me.

I decided to measure Renesmee's growth three times a day, every six hours. I started it right after Sam left. It wasn't her growing that worried me so much, it was more, what would happen if it didn't slow down. The calculations my mind made were easy, this happy bundle of beauty would be old aged with in fifteen years. I was worried and I knew the rest of the family as well, Jacob extremely and I didn't want to even think about Bella's reaction to this.

My measurements showed that her growth was indeed slowing down, but just a little bit.

I vowed to myself that when Bella would wake up, and could function with out my assistance I would dive into books, myths, anything to find how to slow down Renesmee's growth and how I could make sure she would live at least as long as a normal human.

After measuring Renesmee I went upstairs just to check on Bella and Edward.

Bella's transformation went well, you clearly could see the changes already. I was estimating that her whole transformation would be done very quickly, less then three days.

Which was very good, because of Edward. He never left Bella's side, he never looked away from her face. The only thing that told me he hadn't turned in a statue was his breathing and his harsh way of answering any of our questions.

Esme had made it a routine that Renesmee should at least spend some time with her father, so when ever the fighting downstairs got to loud or to aggressive she would take Renesmee up to her father.

I'd like to believe that Edward welcomed these distractions from his pain. A pain I could understand but I couldn't say the words to make it any less. Sometimes I just stood there in the door way, watching my son murmuring soft words to his love. I knew he knew I was there, but he just didn't care, I believe.

With every visit the smell of morphine in Bella's blood became less, and you could smell the sweet scent of a vampire protruding through the smell of her blood.

"I wonder how long it would take before the effect of the morphine disappears." I mused, mostly to myself. I didn't actually expect Edward to react.

"I don't know, a part of me hopes not before the transformation will be over, and an other part of me hopes it will release her soon. I could just pray to any god for a sign of life from her."

"Still not convinced she is going to make it through?" I asked silently.

"Her hearts stopped to many times," Edward whispered as he shook his head, "her spine broken, and so much blood lost. Is there any reason why I shouldn't doubt?" he asked in desperation.

"Alice sees her, she is becoming clearer and clearer every minute according to her."

"Alice didn't see right before the honeymoon as well, she told me everything was going to be fine. She never saw this." He sounded almost angry.

"You know that's not Alice's fault. If you want an other reason, just breath, her scent is turning in that of a vampire already."

"I still just smell her blood, it burns in my throat."

"Everything will be alright, son, believe me." I tried.

"I just can't let myself hope, not yet, not when she is so silent." He muttered while flashed of extreme pain ran over his face.

I couldn't say the right words, there was nothing we could do to take the pain away from him. I walked out if the study. When I walked back to the living room I remember how I felt when I sat next to Esme, holding her hand while she screamed in pain.

I fell in love with Esme the moment they wheeled her into the morgue. Her features, her small slightly rounded body, her scent, all things about her called to me. Not as strong as Bella's did for Edward but still I was drawn to her.

I remember walking over to her and hear her heart still beating very softly. I had been told what had happened and I couldn't believe that she was still alive. I never felt more lucky than that day, the people who worked there had brought in a lot of bodies that day and no one would miss the small beautiful woman, who threw herself of a cliff. Also the fact that I was alone in the morgue at that moment was a blessing. All of it I took as a sign, as something that was meant to be. I took Esme to the small remote house Edward and I were living in at that time.

Esme's transformation took three days. Those were three of the most agonizing days in my existence. Esme had screamed, trashed, and begged for death to come quickly. It was painful, I'd never wanted this life and now I was pushing someone else into it. At that point I didn't care much about it, I just hoped and prayed that this captivating woman would survive.

Afterwards I had my doubts if I had done right. Esme is everything I could have wished for, my perfect mate. The one I would die for.

Still, sometimes I doubt my decision, as I did when I walked into the living room and saw Esme feeding her granddaughter. I knew when she was brought into the morgue why she had jumped, I was there in the hospital when Esme lost her first and only child. I hadn't seen her, but I had heard her cry, I had gotten some calming medicine for her and handed it to the nurse to give it to Esme. After the transformation Esme lingered on that loss quite desperately for a long time. It was then that I started to doubt my own motives. Had it been really compassionate of me to safe her? Had I really done the right thing? Wasn't it more compassionate to release her from the pain caused by loosing her child? Had I been selfish to change her because I was already drawn to her?

"Carlisle, stop that, you have always done the right thing and you know it." Edward hissed from upstairs. Esme turned her head and looked me straight in the eyes. I tried to give her a smile but I couldn't, still lost in the memories of her transformation and the doubts I had.

"What is he talking about, Carlisle?" Esme asked as she handed Renesmee over to Emmett and walked my way.

"It's nothing." I muttered and turned for the door, I needed some fresh air to clear my mind.

"Carlisle?" Esme asked again her hand now on my shoulder.

"I was just thinking about you." I said and walked out, knowing that she would follow. She did, as I sat down on the porch steps I heard her lowering herself in the steps next to me. I continued to stare over the garden to the trees. I didn't want her to know what I had been thinking, but of course she knew.

"Please, Carlisle, please tell me you are not thinking about that again?" she said, anger seeping into her lovely voice. I smiled wryly at her.

"I couldn't help it." I whispered. My eyes flashed up to the window of my office. My thoughts back to Edward and the pain he was in. What wouldn't I give to make it less.

"Carlisle," Esme whispered as her hand traced the muscles on my arm, "why do you still doubt your decision? I thought I explained it to you clearly the last time we had this discussion. I'm happy now, yes I do miss that tiny life in my arms but look at what I got back."

"I just don't feel it's enough, Esme. There are so many things I took away from you, so much hurt I caused you by living now too many years with that loss." Gosh, I sounded like Edward in that moment. No questions where he got that from.

"Carlisle, the pain and loss could never rival the love I feel for you, and the love you give back to me."

I wrapped my arms around Esme when she said that and kissed her intensely. I felt a bit better, apparently that showed on my face as well, that a bit better I mean, because when Esme looked up at me her eyes were blazing.

"Carlisle, why aren't you smiling, it almost sounds like you wished you never had changed me."

"God, no. How could you think that." I almost shouted, "of course I'm happy with you, and of course I want you with me. I just doubted if I did right by making you suffer so much."

She looked up at me, the same question still brewing behind her eyes. I slowly turned to her and grabbed her hands, kissing them both.

"Esme, my dear Esme, never ever let my musings make you doubt my love for you. It's eternal. I just sometimes wish I could give you everything you could possibly want."

"You have already given me so much, a family, a happy existence, a son that gave me a granddaughter, and most import you have given me you. I'm happy Carlisle, and as soon as Bella wakes up and completes the family again I'll be more happy than I have ever been, even when I was human."

"Do you really mean that?" I had to ask.

"Yes. I love this existence with you and our family." She said firmly, and launched herself at me, kissing me with so much passion that I forgot my worries.

It was a long time since we had talked or had even kissed like this and it made me wish all this drama was behind us. I hoped Bella would adept quickly to this life, mostly for her own good, but now also because I wanted to make good on my promise to Esme, to spend some time together.

For a long time I held her close, my arms wrapped around her, softly kissing her hair, forehead, nose and sometimes her mouth. It felt good being together.

Suddenly Esme sighed and pulled my arms of her.

"How long do you think Bella's transformation will take?" she asked.

"Not that long, less than three days, I doubt if it will even take on other twenty-four hours."

"So fast?"

"Yes, I think so, Edward pushed a lot of venom in her system."

"Do you really think she'll be alright?"

"Yes, I truly do believe that."

"So, the reason that she is so silent is nothing serious?" she pressed.

"No, I don't think so everything looks good, she's even starting to smell like a vampire."

"Why do you think she is so silent, not even twitching?"

"I think mostly because of the morphine, I think it have been in her system long enough before the venom to have some effect."

"but there is more to you theory, isn't there?"

I sighed Esme knew me so well. This new bit I had just began to think about, and I realized it could be a very good explanation as well.

"Yes, I think it's a combination of two things, the morphine and her preparations,"

"Her preparations?" Esme whispered.

"Yes, she have had a lot of time to prepare for this, maybe the combination of pain reducing medicine and knowing what's coming makes the transformation more bearable."

Esme nodded as she understood what I was saying. We all never had the chance to prepare, it just came for us and there was nothing we could do about it. I had the idea that it was the same as with humans. A sudden action, with needle, knife or even with hands could cause them more pain than when you explain first what you are going to do, as least that was my experience as a doctor.

The buzzing of my telephone pulled me out of my thoughts. It was time to measure Renesmee again. I sighed and turned to Esme. I smiled at her and kissed her again before getting back on my feet.

"Where are you going?" she asked surprised.

"Measuring Renesmee."

"Oh yes, and I better start finishing the cottage." She muttered, already distracted by her thoughts of the cottage she was renovating. As the treaty was now back into place she could finally finish her little project.

"Maybe Alice and Emmett will help me, I still have a lot of work to do before Bella wakes up."

With a loud bang the door flew open and Emmett rushed out. He breathed in deeply.

"Ahhhhhh…. Finally, fresh air." He said with a smile.

Behind us, Alice giggled, "I guess Emmett is coming with us, Esme."

Both women looked at Emmett as if they weren't sure if they would be happy with such over enthusiastic vampire to help them with the delicate art of painting and renovating, but they shrugged.

"Alice will see if there is any change with Bella, will be right back then." Esme said as she pulled herself up around my neck and kissed me.

"Hey, non of that, it's time to have some fun." Emmett shouted from across the river. Esme gave me a smile and turned, in a second she was gone, leaping over the river, following Emmett and Alice.

Inside Renesmee looked annoyed, first I couldn't guess why but then I saw her look at my measuring tape. She pressed her little hand on Rosalie's face, and Rosalie giggled at her.

"Your Mommy would want to know how big of a girl you have become, sweetie. Grandpa is doing it for her." Rosalie answered Renesmee.

The little angel turned back to me and smiled, holding her hands out like she was welcoming me. I stepped forward and smiled back at her.

"It will only take a minute." I told her. When I got close enough she put her soft hand on my face. Flashes of Bella and Edward ran through my mind, memories that weren't mine. The tenor of Renesmee's thoughts were clear, she wanted to know when she would see her parents and where they were.

"They are upstairs, your mother has been sick but is now recovering. She will be with you as soon as possible."

Her hand pressed my cheek again. Now Bella's face was clear and she showed me the measuring tape. She had perfectly understood Rosalie's answer and wanted to know why.

"You are growing so fast, little one, when you momma wakes up she would want to know why and how much."

Again Renesmee smiled and stretched out in Rosalie's hands.

"There's a good girl." I whispered to her.

While I was measuring her I heard her stomach growl just like the ones in humans do. I wondered if she would eat human food as well.

"Rose? Has she eaten anything else or are you only feeding her blood?"

"Only blood, I didn't think she would need anything else." Rosalie answered a bit shamefully.

"I would like to try something new, I do have some baby formula here maybe she should eat human food as well."

Only fifteen minutes later I had to admit defeat. Renesmee wouldn't take the baby formula. I tried to be sneaky with it and had offered the formula in the same cup as Rosalie fed her the blood. Renesmee's perfect sense of smell made her hesitant to try, her nose wrinkled as I held the cup closer to her mouth.

"Please, this is good for you." I told her.

I couldn't really blame her for even not wanting to try, the formula didn't smell very nice, even for human food it smelled foul, but I wasn't to admit it.

Renesmee was brave and toke a small sip from the cup, and sputtered it straight out. It was the funniest thing we had ever seen, Rosalie and Jasper were laughing so loud that Renesmee looked angry. Yes, a baby just a few days old, but she looked angry at her keeper. Pressing her hand on my face I could see she was angry at Rosalie and Jasper for laughing at her.

"Oh, sweetheart, they aren't laughing at you, they are laughing because you are the funniest baby in the world." I explained.

Then she showed me an other image, the cup and myself asking her to try, the disgust was clearly flowing through the memory.

"I want you to try it, it's good for you." I told her holding the cup out for her again. She sniffed again and pressed her lips together, the image was clear, Renesmee didn't want to drink the formula.

"Please, for your grandfather." I tried one last time. Now she actually looked shocked, but that lasted only a second before her face turned back to angry. Her hand pressed against my face again.

She repeated my last words and showed me what she thought of it. First I was shocked, I couldn't believe that this little thing could already define feelings that adults sometimes had problems with.

"What do she showed you?" Rosalie asked impatient, when I didn't immediately reacted to Renesmee's thoughts.

"She's angry with me for having her taste the formula and hurt because I played the grandpa card." I laughed, which made Renesmee even more annoyed, as she wiggled in Rosalie's arm to show Rosalie her thoughts.

"Yes, I'll get to normal dinner." Rosalie answered. Renesmee appreciated the dinner Rose brought her a lot more.

The idea mystery the Renesmee presented was something that could drive even my fast vampire mind crazy. First her growth, extremely fast and not at all baby like, and somehow the speed with which she grew was nothing to the rate she was mentally developing. To place the right emotions in the right context, to understand the things we asked from her, to know how to show us what she wanted, all those things never gave answered, they only created more.

So, so very frustrating…I hate not having answers.

It was already dark for quite a while when I watched Rosalie sing Renesmee to sleep. She looked so beautiful holding that little child. You could see she too was born to be a mother. A little rage weld up when I thought of the reason why Rose didn't had the chance to be a mother. I think it was the only murder I could really feel comfortable with, Rosalie's revenge. I sat on the low chair watching Rosalie mother over Renesmee, it was something as a father of sorts I could watch all night.

It was quiet in the house with Alice, Emmett and Esme gone to work on the cottage. Jacob had left a hour ago to run patrol after he had spoken to Edward about the imprinting and his wishes for telling Bella. Even Jasper had stepped out and was sitting on the grass reading a book. Afer a while I started thinking that it would be nice indeed to get out of the house maybe to see how Esme was doing, get some fresh air, but I didn't want to leave Edward and Bella alone again. I still felt bad about them being alone in the most trying of times.

So instead of visiting the cottage I decided to check on Bella and Edward.

When I opened the door pf my study I saw Edward had slumped forward, resting his head on his hands, still holding Bella's hand. I heard that Bella's heartbeat was a bit different than last time I checked on her, also it sounded much stronger, like it had totally been healed. To see if the last any irregularity in the blood flow I checked her pulse with my fingers.

I could hear her heart perfectly, but feeling the blood running through the veins closest to the skin told me a lot more. Bella's blood flow now totally under the influence of the venom, I could clearly feel the difference. It seemed to me that the change was already running towards it end, but besides the heartbeat there didn't seemed to be any change, anything that could tell us how much time there was left before Bella's transformation would be complete. Maybe Edward had seen something different in Bella.

"Still no change?"

"None." Edward whispered.

I took a deep breath to check if there was any morphine left.

"There's no scent of the morphine left." I mused. I had expected that when the morphine was gone from her blood the effect would also stop, but Bella was still silent.

"I know." Edward answered both my spoken and unspoken thought.

I wondered why she was so silent, was she in a morphine induced sleep, was she aware but just immobilized by the morphine, or was she in no pain, and as last explanation, and I really thought that unlikely, was my theory right, was the combinations between morphine and preparation the answer, was that why Bella could endure the burning in silence.

I wondered if she could her us, answer my questions.

"Bella? Can you hear me?" I tried. No reaction.

You try Edward, maybe she'll answer you, it would be helpful if she could answer or react to my questions. I silently asked Edward.

"Bella? Bella, love? Can you open your eyes? Can you squeeze my hand?" Edward tried, but still no reaction. I could see on Edwards face that he was growing more and more desperate for a sign of life. Besides that I knew that he was worrying about a dozen things at the same time.

Bella's stillness was on the top of his list, closely followed by the question will she be alright, and that one was followed by the angst he had about Bella being in pain. O yeah and not to mentions he had now a daughter with mysteries to worry about. Even a vampire can only take so much. I could see him literally breaking down, Bella's transformation needed to hurry up or we would be putting Edward in an institution.

"Maybe…Carlisle, maybe I was too late." Edward muttered, not even reacting to my thoughts, all that mattered to him was Bella, and he would only live when she did. For now he would suffer as he thought she was suffering.

I wanted to say words of comfort and this time I thought I could.

"Listen to her heart, Edward. It's stronger than even Emmett's was. I've never heard anything so vital. She'll be perfect."

And I truly believed what I said, her hearts sounded strong and you could almost hear it hum with the will to survive this ordeal, her whole body was humming with that will. Bella was always strong minded but over the last few weeks we got to see how strong her body was, that combination would make an admirable vampire.

Edward wasn't convinced, "And her…her spine?" He asked with a soft sob.

With a shudder I ran quickly through the injuries Rosalie, Emmett and Esme had before they were changed, Esme was the worst, and she had sustained worse injuries than Bella.

"Her injuries weren't so muck worse that Esme's. The venom will heal her as it did Esme."

"But she's so still." Edward almost wailed in desperation, "I must have done something wrong."

Why he thought he had done something wrong was beyond me.

"Or something right, Edward. Son you did everything I could have and more. I'm not sure I would have had the persistence, the faith it took to save her." I don't think I would have been able to help her heart for so long, I would have lost faith before…I added in my mind. Edward looked up at me, like I just told him I was going to drink human blood. He totally didn't believe me. For a second we held eye contact and than he turned back to Bella, a shudder ran through his body and I could guess the thoughts he had.

"Stop berating yourself, Bella is going to be fine." I tried one last time. Of course it didn't work.

"She must be in agony." Edward whispered completely ignoring my words.

"We don't know that. She had so much morphine in her system. We don't know the effect that will have on her experience." At the moment it looked like the morphine was doing exactly what we were hoping for, but to confirm that I needed to talk to Bella in person. Theorizing now wouldn't give me any answers.

Not knowing if Bella could hear us, and not wanting her to be in any stress I continued my conversation with Edward silently. I thought about the fights Jacob and Rosalie had, and how it slowly was getting worse and worse.

Maybe you should go and sort this out, you are her father and they will listen to you.

"No, I'm staying right here, they'll have to sort it out."

I nodded, a bit disappointed that he wouldn't yet claim his role as her father for things like this, but I could understand why he wouldn't want to leave Bella.

Next I ran over the conversation I had with Sam and Jacob, and over my thoughts about Jacobs imprinting on Renesmee.

"an interesting situation." I murmured, "and I thought I had just about seen everything."

This for sure I have never seen before, I'm not sure Bella will be happy with this.

My thoughts were a bit of a mess on this subject, too many questions and too little answers, but I hoped with speech and thoughts I could explain to Edward what I meant.

"I'll deal with it later. We'll deal with it later." He corrected himself.

I nodded, I could see that Edwards interest in this conversation was waning, so I cut it short, I made a few more comments out loud or silently with my thoughts but Edward was already lost in his own mental hell while he watched Bella.

Maybe Alice can tell you when Bella will wake up, I'll go and get her. It will make you feel better when you know how much longer you have to wait.

Edward looked at me with a small smile and nodded.