AN: Sorry it's taken so long again. I really haven't been feeling all too well lately and between that and work it's just been hard to find time to write, or time I want to sit down and write. I've mainly been curled up on my couch watching Disney movies over and over.

Anyway, I know that the story has changed dramatically in the last little bit and I realize the flow isn't that great anymore, but I'm trying. I've thrown my outline out the window. We're just going to see where the story takes us, yes? I personally think that this will work.

Also, I love this chapter and it kinda makes me love this story. Don't worry, there's no miraculous cure or defining moment where things will just be good again for Santana. I want to let you know I'm not going to cut corners because of my want to end this story and move on. It was my first fanfiction. So, yeah.

Chapter 20 | Lifted

It was really weird. Like Brittany's sudden entrance into my life had woken me from a deep sleep. I felt more aware, more in the moment, not so stuck in my head. More alive. It was great to be pulled back into the world around me but at the same time it was so much harder than I had thought. I didn't have the stamina to just handle things that made me want to curl into a ball and ignore the world again. Things still felt off, I still felt off, but it was better and Brittany helped make it easier. I didn't even have to ask, she just did it.

The entire week went by like I was in a brand new world. I was more aware of my classes, aware of the kids passing notes and snickering behind the teachers back, how they would send me looks, wondering what had happened to the old Santana who wore a Cheerios uniform and could kill with words or a particularly vicious glare. They left me alone, though.

Glee club had been different, or I had been different in Glee club. When I walked in and actually made eye contact, people noticed. They noticed the subtle ways I had changed. They noticed I sat beside Brittany, sat up straighter, paid attention. They responded, giving me warm smiles, including me in conversations again.

Puck even felt comfortable enough to punch me, playfully, on the arm when I took a seat beside him.

I glanced at him, trying to look as disgusted as I could. "Fuck you, Puckerman."

From the corner of my eye I saw him smirk and heard the faint whisper of: "There's my girl."

It felt good, not to be trapped inside of myself where all the bad was just waiting for me to slip up, to let seep in and do more damage. I had spent so much time in my own head. I had spent so much time thinking I had to do everything on my own. I had spent everything I had to try and carry this weight of Mark and my parents and everything.

And Brittany had snatched it up like it was nothing.

It was different than with Ms. Pillsbury. She was a concerned adult and I appreciated that, I did. Brittany though, it was deeper than that, it was intimate because we couldn't not be intimate together. I didn't mind having her so close to me, physically, emotionally, any way, really. It was a relief and I knew in the back of my head that I was getting better and I felt like if I was changing, other things needed to change too. Especially with Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury, because I felt more and more like a burden to them every day. As the fog lifted and I realized what I was doing, asking of people, it felt like too much and I needed for things to change. I needed to find a way to let them have their lives back without me in it.

I didn't have any options, though. I didn't know what to do. Except...

The idea had been itching at the back of my mind for a while.

My mom had called, she had made an effort. Shouldn't I make one in return? I had argued with myself back and forth. They were the only family I had. But they had kicked me out. They were reaching out to me. Only because they felt guilty. And they loved me.

It was a tough decision. But I owed it to Will and Emma to make an effort, at least.

I picked up my phone. I was sitting on the edge of my bed. It had been three days since she had called me and my phone had been left on. I took it as a peace offering and a blessing and had called Brittany every night since then, on the nights I wasn't with her.

I stared at her name, listed in my recent calls.

I tapped it and held the phone to my ear.

It rang, endlessly until she picked up, voice small, timid.

"Hello?"

"Mom."

"Santana, sweetie, hi. I'm so glad you called. I miss you," she said it quickly and sounded genuinely surprised.

I swallowed. The phone call suddenly felt really big. My hands felt cold. I closed my eyes, the room was too big, I had too many thoughts. "Yeah," I replied, knowing that's not what she wanted to hear. "Yeah."

We were quiet.

"Santana, your father and I," she paused and I could almost see her wringing her hands nervously in front of her, a habit she had. "We want to see you again. We really have missed you and we know things have been rough..."

"Yeah, I was actually calling to ask if we could sit down and..." What? "Talk."

She sighed. "I would love that." She sounded honest, excited, relieved. "Your father and I would love that."

I scowled. I couldn't see that. I couldn't see him loving anything that wasn't penciled into his planner. "Right," I said, filling he silence with words. "Well, yeah, whenever you're free or whatever."

She was quiet and then I heard a slight fluttering noise, like paper rustling. "I can tomorrow. After school. I can pick you up if you like?"

"No, I have Glee rehearsal," I said quickly. I did have rehearsal and I didn't want her to pick me up, I didn't want to be alone with her. "I'd like to meet at Mr. Schue's and Ms. Pillsbury's again. I haven't asked them. So, I like..." I stopped. I hadn't thought this through. Tomorrow seemed to early. So soon. I hadn't talked to them. "I should ask them."

"Oh," she said, voice quiet. She cleared her throat. "Of course, you want to go talk to them, then call me back? I'll be here all evening, you can call whenever you find out. Or if you want to." She added the last part quickly.

I had never heard her like this. So upset, so vulnerable. She sounded fragile, like if I said the wrong thing she would break into a ton of pieces. It made me nervous. I shifted on the bed.

"Yeah, I'll talk to them and then let you know, okay?"

"Of course, sweetheart. You call me back when you know for sure."

We both paused. I didn't know how to progress in the conversation and I don't think she wanted to hang up. "Well, I'll call you."

"I love you, Santana," she said it so simply, so full of love. It was smothering.

"Yeah," I replied before hanging up.

They were both in the living room. Mr. Schue was chewing on his favorite red pen he used to grade papers and Ms. Pillsbury was reading. They looked so relaxed together, at ease just for the others company. I had never seen my parents do that.

"Hey," I said quietly, feeling like an intruder.

Will smiled at me.

"Hi," Ms. Pillsbury said, glancing up and shutting her book, thumb tucked in the pages to keep her spot. "What's up?"

"I was just," I shifted my weight. I felt nervous. I was so far gone in my own anger, my own issues that I hadn't really cared about anything, such extreme apathy, but now, now I was so much more aware and it threw me off, made me nervous when I never had been before. "I called my mom."

They exchanged a look. Mr. Schue capped his pen and set it down, turning his full attention to me. Ms. Pillsbury stuck her book mark in her book and sat up straighter.

"I want to. Well she wanted to. But, yeah, I did too." I shook my head. Be coherent. "I wanted to talk with them again. I think that would be good. I think." I hadn't meant to say I think twice. It had slipped in there on it's own.

"Well that's really good, Santana. That's great that you're reaching out. Brittany and now you're parents." Ms. Pillsbury nodded her head, thoughtfully. "When were you wanting to meet them?"

"I dunno," I shrugged. It was my honest answer. My thought process hadn't gone beyond calling them. I hadn't really thought about what to say except 'we should talk'. "She, my mom, wanted to meet tomorrow but I told her I had to talk to you guys because I wanted to meet them here again, if that's okay because you're..." Safe. They were safe. I was safe here, with them. "You're a buffer."

Ms. Pillsbury opened her mouth.

"But if that's too soon, that's fine, I just wanted to say. So you can let me know when you're free or when it's okay and I'll let her know, I just wanted to ask," I said quickly.

They exchanged a look. I saw something pass between them, something unspoken.

"Tomorrow would be perfect," Mr. Schue said, smiling his closed lip smile at me. It was genuine, the one he gave us in Glee when we had done something beyond our years or touched him. I didn't quite understand.

"So like...six o'clock?" I asked.

"Did you want to invite them to dinner?" Ms. Pillsbury asked.

I shook my head quickly. "Definitely not. Just a visit, talk some things out, I guess." I looked down. "Thanks. For like, everything."

"Of course, Santana," Ms. Pillsbury said quietly.

"Anytime," Mr. Schue added.

I nodded and left the room with an awkward head bob as my only response. Too many feelings.

I sat on my bed staring at the worn notebook. It had some small poems and random ramblings when I was having a bad day in it. There were also tiny sketches, notes from Brittany. She didn't read it because I asked her not to, but she opened to random blank pages and would leave messages, telling me she loved me, she loved my shirt, my hair looked awesome, in hopes I would find them later and smile.

I did every time.

I opened to a blank page. Just lines, no doodles, no notes from Brittany. Blank.

I sighed. Did I want to write?

I tapped my pen on the page. I looked at my phone. It was almost eight. I found the name I wanted, second on my recent calls list and tapped it lightly.

"Hey you," she said, voice soft.

"Hey," I replied, my voice sounded hoarse. I cleared it. "What's up? What're you doing?"

She sighed, it sounded exasperated. "I'm trying to do math homework but it doesn't really make any sense. I don't know why there are letters."

I smiled. Brittany had always struggled with Math. "Need some help?"

"You would like, be my lifesaver. Want me to come get you?" I heard shuffling on the other end of the phone. Papers moving, Brittany getting off her bed.

"Lemme ask," I said walking out of my room. They were both sitting in the living room, still. "Hey," I said slowly, phone still pressed to my ear. "Is it cool if like, Britt comes and gets me? I'm gonna help her with Math and stuff."

They exchanged a look.

"Sure," Mr. Schue said.

"Be back by nine," Ms. Pillsbury added.

I stared at her and glanced at Mr. Schue. "It's eight now..." I didn't want to push but...come on.

"Uh," Mr. Schue said looking to Ms. Pillsbury who looked back at him like she didn't understand the problem.

"It's a school night," she hissed at him, smiling at me then glancing at him.

"It's homework, she's a senior," he said shrugging.

I glanced around the room, unsure of what to do. It was awkward and they were having the conversation about me right in front of me.

"San?" It was Brittany on the phone.

"One sec, Sorry, B," I whispered quickly into the line.

"What were you thinking?" Ms. Pillsbury asked.

"Eleven?" Mr. Schue replied, shrugging. "It'd be different if they were going out but she'll be at the Pierces..."

Ms. Pillsbury sighed. "Ten-thirty."

"Thanks," I said, smiling at them.

They hesitated and returned it, looking genuinely surprised but happy, pleased. They did that when I smiled these days.

"It's cool, B, but I only have until 10:30," I said into the phone as I went back to my room. "So hurry."

"Already on my way," she said and I heard the clicking of her turn signal.

"Text me when you get here." She hung up.

I shut the door to my room. I grabbed my math notebook and my writing one. I stood for a second, thinking I threw some clothes, my phone charger and toothbrush into a small bag, one you were supposed to use to carry groceries in instead of plastic. I put the notebooks on top. I would call at ten and ask if I could sleep over. I knew they would say yes, they still felt awkward denying me things.

Plus, it had always worked in the past.

Brittany threw her pencil down on the bed. "I need a break, San," she whined, lying back and throwing her arm over her face.

"It's been twenty minutes," I said glancing at the clock.

"And we've only done like, six problems," she said, not moving. "Break time. Hungry?"

"Not really," I said gathering up the papers and moving them to the floor in a neat stack along with Brittany's math book.

"Me neither, I want chocolate."

I chuckled. "I thought you weren't hungry?"

She sat up and stared at me, hard, face serious. "You don't have to be hungry to eat chocolate, it's comfort food."

"Well, the dilemma is do you have any chocolate?"

She scrunched up her face, thinking hard. "Yeah, there's probably some M&M's downstairs. Wanna go on an adventure for chocolate?" She smiled at me.

"Lead the way," I said, following her down the stairs.

She spent a long time rummaging through cabinets and looking in jars that were clearly marked 'sugar' or 'flour' for chocolate. I knew she only did it to make me laugh, which it did. I was sitting on the counter, watching her move around the kitchen. She opened a cabinet by the refrigerator and took out a box.

"That's popcorn," I said plainly.

"Obviously, San," she said, rolling her eyes at me. "But you have to have something salty with something sweet otherwise it just..." She stopped, thinking hard. "It's illegal."

It was such a Brittany answer. I laughed loudly and grabbed my side. I only ever laughed, really laughed with Brittany. She was looking at me and when I caught my breath, I held her gaze, her face was soft, smiling slightly. She turned away and put the popcorn in the microwave, before returning to her original mission.

She stopped and stared at the fridge. "Hmm, I bet," she said standing on tiptoe and reaching for the bowl that sat on top of it. I hadn't really paid much attention to it before or noticed it's presence. She pulled it down and looked up at me, a victorious grin on her face. She put the bowl in my lap and slid up next to me on the counter. I looked inside. There was a bag of M&M's, snickers, skittles, other candy.

"Mom's secret stash. I always forget about it," Brittany said slowly. She pulled out a bag of candy. "See anything you want?"

I shook my head. I wasn't really in the mood to eat.

"Your loss," she hummed sliding off the counter and replacing the bowl on the top of the fridge. The microwave beeped and she pulled the hot bag from inside. She motioned with her head and I followed her back up the stairs. Her sister was in bed, her dad was at work, his schedule shifted depending on what week it was or something bizarre I couldn't really keep up with. Her mom was already in bed, too. It was just the two of us awake in the house.

We sat on her bed. I nibbled at the chocolate and watched as Brittany would eat a few M&M's and chase them with popcorn. She looked at me, grinning. "What?"

I shook my head. "Nothing."

She swallowed her bite and looked down. "How are you?"

"Fine," I shrugged grabbing three blue M&M's.

"No, San," she said and I looked up. She was giving me that Brittany look. The one of unconditional love that made my chest tighten. "How are you?"

I blinked a few times and looked down. I put the candy back in the bag and rubbed my hands on my jeans. "I'm...doing alright. I'm actually a lot better. I'm just..."

She didn't press me, she just waited until I found the words. "I called my mom today."

I felt her shift, sit up straighter, lean a little more towards me. We were sitting on her bed. "Wow, well what'd she say?"

"She was really...desperate?" I looked up at her, her eyes were wide, as if she was listening to me tell an intense story. "She just said she missed me. We're gonna talk, tomorrow."

She didn't say anything, just watched me, waiting patiently.

I could feel her watching me so I continued to look down. "It was her idea and I just...they're coming over tomorrow."

I continued. "I just want them to like me, Britt." My chest felt heavy from the words. Ever since the day I had skipped school and gotten so sick I had felt the words itching in the back of my head. "I know they love me, even after everything I know that. I want them to like me though. I want them to look at me as a person, not just their kid that they have to love and I want them to like me. Who I am." I blinked hard, I didn't want to cry. "What I am."

She moved the candy and popcorn off of the bed, setting it on the floor and crawled close to me. She pulled me into her. She didn't even say anything, just pulled me close and let me hold onto her, just because I needed something to hold. I didn't cry or shake or anything and it was the perfect comfort.

"I don't see how they couldn't," she said quietly, running her fingers gently through my hair.

"Hmm?" I said, her touch was soothing, she was warm, I was comfortable and I felt myself drifting.

"Like you. You're this awesome person, San," she whispered. "Without them you've become this awesome person."

I wanted to tell her it was because of her. She made me better. She made me nicer, likeable. Without Brittany I was angry and lonely and all things negative. With her I was better, so much better. I let go of her, pulled away, she opened her mouth to say something.

And I kissed her.

She tasted like chocolate and popcorn and it was the perfect mixture of sweet and salty. She was still for a moment before kissing me back, wrapping a hand into my hair and pulling me close to her, almost on top of her as we fell back on her bed. My hands slid down her sides and I felt her lips turn up as she resisted the urge to laugh, she was ticklish there.

She rolled slightly, using her weight to push me onto my back, she slid halfway on top of me, her leg shifting in between mine. It all hit me then. How long it had been, how alone we were, how sickeningly sweet she tasted, felt on top of me. I inhaled sharply, breaking our kiss. She didn't stop, she didn't even hesitate before moving down to my neck, her hands moved quickly, down my sides, on my stomach, just below the hem of my pants. She was everywhere at once and it was...

Too much.

"Britt," I croaked. It felt good, too good, especially when her knee moved higher, I couldn't help the way my breath caught.

"Yeah," she said breathless, her assault of kisses barely stopping.

"No, I can't," I said, moving my hands up to her shoulders. I was overwhelmed. I was moving in a thousand different directions. My body was reacting, over reacting to every touch but my mind was yelling at me to stop, please stop. She moved her leg again and I whimpered, grabbing her shoulders, hard. "Please stop. Please."

She pulled away quickly and sat up, straddling one of my legs. She looked scared, like she had done something wrong. I pulled myself into a sitting position and ran my fingers through my hair. "It's too much," I said.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly.

"No," I looked up quickly and grabbed her hands in mine. "I'm just so everywhere, you know? I just..."

She crawled off of me and stood up, by the bed. "You ready to go home?"

Her words stung. I had never seen her like this. "I..." I didn't want to go. "Can I stay?"

She turned to look at me and her face softened. "Of course you can."

"Will you come back to me?" I hadn't meant to sound so small but she had gone away so quickly. She had been there, so close and then she was gone. It had been a shock for my body.

She didn't say anything. She crawled back onto the bed and sat beside me. She didn't look at me or touch me. I scooted my body down, to where I was lying on my side and she joined me, she reached her hand out slowly and let it rest on my cheek, slide down to me neck, rest at my shoulder before she moved closer and wrapped her hands around mine, tucking them between us, our knees pressed together.

"This is better." I closed my eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I felt my forehead scrunch. "No, you don't have to be sorry, you didn't do anything. It was my fault. I kissed you."

We were silent I felt her hands move gently over me. My face, stroking my hair. I began to fall asleep. She shifted her body when I was right on the edge of sleep and I heard her talking on a phone before she slid closer to me, pulled me into her.