Chapter 20 Talking

Inuyasha and Kagome ended up sitting by a little pond and waterfall with water lilies and small Koi carp. It was a lovely spot, almost looking natural and Kagome ran her finger tips through the water, laughing gently when the Koi came and nibbled on them looking for food. Inuyasha watched her with a soft look to his face and he wondered if he could really hurt her like this; his explanation would likely cause her a lifetime of pain. He knew what he needed to say, but not where or how to start.

Kagome meanwhile was also getting nervous, she was alert to Inuyasha's presence, feeling his aura all around her; he didn't need his youki to be warmth to her soul. She knew he wanted to talk to her about something, but so far he hadn't said a word, however knowing Inuyasha this was not surprising. The hanyou was well able to stay silent all day if he so wished, years of solitude had frequently forced him to seek his own company. Still, at the moment the silence was deafening and she needed to break it, so she started to hum a lullaby softly to herself while she played with the fish.

The sweet sound of Kagome humming was soothing to Inuyasha, he did not know the actual melody, but the tempo was familiar; it was a pup song, like those own his mother had sung to him and, he remembered, Kagome sang to Shippou. One day she would sing that sort of song to her own pups and the thought gave him intense pain; she would be good with pups. Impetuously he reached out to touch her arm, and feeling her tense under his fingers, Inuyasha swallowed nervously, and his words fled even though Kagome's glance was encouraging.

"Just talk to me Inuyasha, talk about anything...it doesn't matter what you say." Kagome smiled ruefully at his continued silence, realising that she would have to introduce a subject matter. Her mother had advised her ages ago, when they'd been laughing together about Inuyasha's lack of the right words that it would probably be best for her to speak first in any given situation. So Kagome thought hard about what might make her friend relax enough to share his thoughts with her.

"Would it help you to lay your head in my lap to relax a bit?" Kagome she asked shyly, but smiled again when he agreed to the suggestion by doing so; perhaps he would find it easier to talk if she couldn't see his face. Kagome let her fingers play with his hair, and occasionally stroked his brow. Silence fell again, but it was more like a pregnant pause, heavy with expectation. Once more Kagome broached a topic to speak on, one she hoped was quite safe.

"I'm so happy for you Inuyasha, it seems everything is going right at last; you are getting on well with your brother and Kouga and all those other people... it's exciting isn't it?"

"Sort of; I mean, yeah it is. I just hope I can pull it off and not end up with my face in the dirt as usual." Inuyasha replied; Kagome heard the little 'dig' but decided to ignore it.

"You can learn; at least, that's what Kouga said.

"Keh! Learn from the wimpy wolf? He's been treating me as if I was a whelp; I've had to fight almost all my life, I've not been a whelp since my mother died." Inuyasha did sound like a sulky brat though, and recognising it for himself, he gave a harsh chuckle. "But I am I suppose, I don't know anything much, I can only just read; well, I know some words. Did you know Sesshoumaru was helping me with my writing yesterday, and then there was Shippou, telling me he'd teach me how to grow up with proper pack manners? Feh! I feel such a fool; I'm far older than you, but you know so much more than me." Inuyasha's tone and words were becoming bitter and Kagome, recognising the danger, spoke up.

"You're actually about my age relatively as I understand from Sesshoumaru and girls normally mature quicker than boys Inuyasha; and anyway lack of knowledge doesn't mean lack of intelligence. You just haven't had the same opportunities as everyone else. I'd bet you're a quick learner and besides who cares, we love the person you are, however or despite how you became him."

"You love me Kagome? How?" Inuyasha was heartened by her words and now his voice was low and she could hardly hear him.

"You know I love you Inuyasha; I have for a very long time." Kagome blushed as she answered him very quietly. "You ask in what way I do? I love you as my closest friend, as an ally...as a part of me. If you are asking me how much I want to love you, it's a different answer, for when you ask the right question. Or do you mean how can I love a hanyou? I don't care what you are silly boy, you could have also been all youkai or all human, it is you I love." Kagome's emotions were running high with her assertion but his genuine smile encouraged her.

"Unfortunately racial and other prejudices still happen in my time too. It is all cruel and so wrong, but there are people who challenge the ignorance and irrational hatred of others who are different and help bring understanding. This is what you are doing; it's started already and you have all of us to help you; let us help you, let me help...please." Her words touched the boy's still often lonely heart and were in danger of turning him sentimental; his reply therefore was brash, although Kagome could see right through his ranting.

"Of course you're gonna to help, what else would you do now that the jewel is complete and we got rid of Naraku?" A horrible thought crossed his mind suddenly; "You weren't thinking of leaving were you? You promised you'd stay." He said, almost accusingly.

"Well as you said, the reason I was here originally has been cleared up now; what reason do I have to stay? You are not alone anymore and you are safe with your family...I can't stay without reason Inuyasha." Kagome said sadly.

"Isn't just being my friend a good enough reason anymore?" Inuyasha's bluster was gone and this was said with almost a whimper. Kagome was quick to answer;

"Of course it is, and I'll always be your friend, but..." Her voice petered off, how could she make him understand, without pushing him in a direction he may not yet be ready for. But prevaricating any longer was ridiculous; it was time to bring in the big guns even if it meant that they both ended up in tears. There was no way Kagome could cope with being around Inuyasha if she was not to be his mate. The pain of uncertainty had been bad enough while they were on their quest, but now she could see herself drifting further from him as he found new friends. His life would not be more fulfilling and not so lonely anymore, but hers would be much lonelier.

"How do you want me to love you Inuyasha; do you need me like you needed Kikyou?" Well done Kagome, she thought; jump straight in at the deep end; there's no way he'll answer a direct question like that. But he started to speak and her heart leapt into her throat and then nearly broke on his reply.

"No. Things were different with Kikyou; she wasn't really how you and the others knew her. She was never as cold and cruel as she became when she was brought back. I loved her and...And before she died she told me that she loved me. I'm glad she was free at the end to be herself; at least she died knowing that I still loved her too." Inuyasha was lost in his memory and could not see Kagome's stricken face; neither could he use any hanyou sense to feel or smell her distress.

"I am glad you were able to tell Kikyou you loved her Inuyasha, at least you got to say your goodbyes properly this time; I'm only sorry I could not save her for you, while all I can do is watch you as you mourn her." Kagome whispered, her voice betraying her. Finally, Inuyasha picked up on her mood and cursed, this was not what he had meant her to think. Why could he never have the right words?

"Kagome...Kagome, it isn't what you think. I loved Kikyou yes, but I don't want you in the same way; I didn't know anything then...I only know a bit more now. But, I don't want to have to stay human, like I'd've had to for her; to me that's only half of me. She was my very first friend Kagome; I don't forget my friends, even if they turn on me. When she died, Kikyou was free of her hate and she could tell me she hadn't meant to harm any of us. She was my gentle, kind Kikyou again and I was grateful for that. She had been a good friend, when I'd had no one else since Mama." He choked and now Kagome just felt mean, thinking she deserved hearing the mild reproof in his voice.

"I'm sorry Inuyasha, it seems neither of us can never say exactly what we mean; we end up causing one another pain, when we try to be serious."

"Feh!"

"Let's try something else then. If you could make a wish, what would it be now you are happy not being youkai?"

"I never said I stopped wanting to be youkai Kagome, why would you think that?"

"But...you are...I mean..." Kagome was taken aback and Inuyasha interrupted her abruptly.

"If I was a proper full youkai Kagome, I could have a loving mate, I'd be someone. I... I could give her gifts and finery like Kouga gave Ayame; I'd have pups that would look up to me and be proud of their papa, not cursing him for their lives. I wouldn't be a penniless beggar living of his brother's charity and looking for a good cause to give his life meaning. You may love me as a hanyou Kagome, but there is no happy future in it. To be chased and hunted, living in fear for the rest of your life. I can't stay here forever; I have some pride left. But I have nothing to offer a mate and pups except the strength in my body for protection.

"I can't even ask any parent to let me court their daughter; especially if she had high hopes for her, with her education and stuff. Huh, I'm not even an adult; I have no right to ask." Inuyasha had become flustered as he spoke while lying in Kagome's lap and she had been soothing him with her hands all the time and they still had not looked at one another. Kagome had noticed his unconscious use of the feminine gender of parent and in this day and age the education of the girl could only fit a few women, only one of which Inuyasha knew.

Kagome felt better immediately and although she understood most of his hang-ups, she thought he still sounded a bit self pitying. She didn't doubt that Inuyasha's mind was speaking the truth to him, but surely it really wasn't the big deal he was making it out to be; it was obvious he hadn't yet fully realised that things had changed for him. Kagome thought long and hard; one of them was going to have to take the plunge and soon, so she moved her legs as she was feeling cramped, and her movements encouraged Inuyasha to sit up. They stared at one another through the reflections of the pool, then taking a deep breath, Kagome answered him.

"A girl who really loves you Inuyasha, would not care about any finery, and would be happy with her life and the pups you gave her. She would make sure that they knew how splendid and loyal their father was. That girl who really loves you would stay by your side no matter where you went, no matter what you did and she would trust you with her and her pups' lives. That same girl would also know that her parent loves you too and understands that you would take care of her daughter, making her happy. That girl who loves you knows that her parent only wants her daughter to be loved for all of her life."

She could see his eyes shining with emotion in the reflection and that he had a smile on his face before he turned towards her. His expression told her that he had understood her little reply game and he moved slowly towards her to kiss her. It was not their first kiss by a long way; but it was their first since the battle and the first since they had peace. They took their time enjoying the closeness without interruption and it was not long before his hands started to move along her body. This was new however, and he was still chaste; Kagome relaxed further, his touch was just a natural progression of the kiss. There was just something about his gentle exploratory manner that made her smile, she was now pretty certain that he had never touched Kikyou in the same delicate way, by the shy and unpractised fingers she could feel.

Of course, Kagome knew that Inuyasha had hugged the other woman; but only in a similar way to that he had hugged Mama Higurashi before. He was still inexperienced and unsure of his welcome too often, but this was nice and made her feel very special; he didn't just grab her or grope her like Miroku would do, or far worse. Boys in her own time often lacked these important courtesies, their hands immediately touching inappropriately or trying to get her out of her clothes by now; no, with his touch Kagome felt as if she were precious to Inuyasha. Breaking the kiss for a minute, Inuyasha's face went very red and he turned his face away, Kagome could feel the heat from his blush radiating off his face.

"I'm sorry Kagome; I don't know what happened... I didn't mean to dishonour you." Inuyasha was flustered and Kagome was surprised, what had happened, what had she missed; he certainly hadn't dishonoured her? However there was no doubt that he looked most embarrassed and then she thought she understood; he was ashamed that his body had reacted to her closeness. Kagome had of course noticed, after all they had been standing with their bodies pressed together; she was certain that had he been in his hanyou form he would have known of her own reaction to him. She reached up to bring his flushed face back to her and she kissed him again.

"I am not dishonoured Inuyasha; I am flattered that you feel this way. I feel the same."

"Why? I don't understand why this happened." He was nervous and Kagome was not sure what he meant

"It must have happened before Inuyasha...at other times." Kagome asked him gently, so as not to frighten him into sullen silence and knowing she mustn't smile, but honestly could he get any redder?

"Sometimes, only recently...when I have thought of kissing you and it makes me feel strange; I mean usually it only happens when I need to...you know..." Remembering who he was talking to and about what, made his blush deepen, but he carried on. I...I couldn't ask Kaede about it, she's a female and Miroku would have probably just laughed. I nearly did ask Kaede though, in case there was something wrong." He finished quietly, glancing at her to assure himself that she was not further offended by his discussion of bodily functions.

I must not smile, must not smile, Kagome thought repeating the mantra as she rejoiced that only she, and not Kikyou had caused his desires to awaken. It would have crushed her hanyou if he thought she was laughing at him and she would never do such a thing. Then the utter seriousness of what his words indicated sank in, Inuyasha was still totally naive; no one had taught him about, or prepared him for, what was happening to his body. Kagome took a deep breath and realised what a privilege she'd been granted in being the one and only to matter so much to the boy.

"Inuyasha, you mustn't worry, really, there is nothing wrong at all, everything is completely normal; trust me." She said and put her hands on his shoulders and kissed him on his cheek. He looked at her loving face and sparkling eyes and was comforted enough to ask;.

"Do you know what is happening to me then, should I have asked Kaede?" He was getting over the shyness now but was still a bit skittish. Kagome knew she would have to share this with the elderly Miko, but none of the others; Kaede was entitled to know of her near escape. Of course the older one would have known what to say, but Inuyasha's reaction when he found out might have left her minus one hut. Something else had been tingling on the edge of her senses for a while now and suddenly realising what it was, Kagome smirked and knew how to remedy the situation.

"Yes I do know Inuyasha and yes Kaede would have been able to explain it and you wouldn't have upset her, but maybe yourself a bit because it has to do with growing up and mating. I think though it would be better if Sesshoumaru teaches you what is happening to your body Inuyasha; it is his responsibility, as your brother and head of our pack." As she finished speaking she heard a strange noise nearby but before Inuyasha could make anything out Kagome laughed and said;

"Sometimes Inuyasha, people forget I'm a Miko, I can sense and feel all sorts of things, and this is something that I feel is right, you must speak with your brother." Then she looked over Inuyasha's shoulder straight into the tree behind them and smiled mischievously. Sesshoumaru had been there the whole time they were talking; Kagome would have been annoyed but thought he would have had to have a valid reason to spy. She didn't bring him to Inuyasha's attention though; it would have only made the young hanyou mad to think his conversation was not as private as he'd thought. Meanwhile Inuyasha became tense and nervous again, he was also shaking so she smiled to encourage him.

"Kagome...would you... will you...would you like to go in if you're cold? He stuttered and she blushed as she looked down not noticing the look of frustration cross Inuyasha's face and shimmer in his violet eyes. Although that was not the question she was hoping for, it required an answer and perhaps she could salvage something.

"I'm not cold Inuyasha and I like being out here with you."

"Umm, O.K." He said, but as they walked he was convinced she must be cold; she was shivering and it seemed quite natural then to put his arm round her shoulders, letting it slip down to her waist and then pull her close to him. Kagome smiled, it seemed perfectly natural to her then to lean her head on his shoulder and wrap her arm round his waist as well. They walked on in silence once again, enjoying their closeness that was uninterrupted by well intentioned, but annoying friends.

"Kagome?" He whispered softly.

"Hmm Inuyasha?" She replied sleepily, feeling comfortable, warm and tired.

"I love you Kagome... will you be my mate; linked to me for all my life? Please?"

TBC