A.N. Hi, everyone and big thanks for your reviews! The round chapter 20 is here and I really hope you'll find it enjoyable. I kept the promise I made in my last update. I'm a bit afraid you might find it too mushy but… there you go. R and R, please! Oh, I finally did the justice to the title of the story.

P.S. Do you remember the MerDer patients dogged by the bad luck?

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"Time of death – 15.44."

Another patient, another failure. Meredith exited the operating room throwing her surgical gloves to the bin with annoyance; a mixture of anger, impatience and guilt boiling inside her. She snorted at the memory of her excitement before the first trial procedure. The majesty of saving lives… it was now sinking fast, pulled down by the weight of her patient's blood on her fingers. She could clearly feel it, even after discarding the protective layer of latex from her hands.

Meredith soaped her skin vigorously, praying for the physical activity to push every torturing thought from her brain. It seemed that recently, nothing in her life could go right; there was nothing that went the way she wanted. The control over her own existence was slipping through her fingers.

And the overwhelming guilt… it had become her second name. Guilt towards the families of her patients for taking away the precious time they could yet spend together. Guilt towards her daughter she was letting down so miserably. Guilt towards Derek… She never intended her life to turn into a massive melodrama in which she was both a tragic heroine and deceitful villain. There she was, though.

Meeting Bailey in the park the other day shook her more than she admitted to herself. For sure, Miranda was trustworthy but the way the events turned was all wrong. No one was supposed to know before Derek. He had a screaming right to be the first to learn the truth.

Meredith strode the corridors thinking what her daughter could be possibly doing at the time. Breaking the routine they recently established, she left Bessie at home with a babysitter. The flu epidemic was in the full swing and her little angel had probably managed to catch the virus in the nursery. She was unusually cranky in the morning. Meredith hoped that the vaccination that Bessie had had the previous month would take effect and make the illness less severe.

Meredith was so involved in her worries that she didn't notice Susan on her way and therefore didn't have time to turn tail.

"Meredith!" exclaimed Susan. "Just the person I was looking for!"

"Oh?" Meredith didn't even try to hide the lack of enthusiasm in her voice. She was devoid of energy to put an act.

"Molly's getting discharged!" explained Susan joyously. "We're taking her home this afternoon."

"That's great," replied Meredith politely. "Now, if you excuse me-" She wanted to step around her stepmother but the other woman gently put her hands on Meredith's forearms.

"Meredith," she pleaded. "I've been thinking about organizing a dinner to celebrate the fact that Molly's good and to thank you for everything you did for her."

"Seriously, we've been over this," said Meredith impatiently. "I… Molly was just my patient. I did everything I could do to help my patient and no offence, Susan, but you're not-"

"I know! I know what you want to say," Susan cut her halfway through her sentence. "We're not your family. But we could be. Meredith, you have friends, you have Derek but… Thatcher's your blood and my girls, too."

"Yeah, Thatcher's my father. Then why are you her and not him?" She snapped at her stepmother. "I-"

She was interrupted by the beeping of her pager.

"I've gotta go," She left Susan behind her without further explanation. Saved by the pager but… Meredith frowned her forehead taking a look at her at the small device. 911… in her office?

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"I want mommy!"

Derek's attempts at catching up with the department's paperwork were thwarted by insistent cries coming form the outside of his office. He heard a muffled feminine voice trying to soothe the anguished child.

Derek leaned back in his chair. The unexpected interruption broke the rhythm of his work, setting his mind back in the direction of Meredith. He was pretty sure it would soon turn into an obsession. He wanted her with every fiber of his being, his heart, mind, body and soul. The brief moments of closeness were the spells of sunshine among the indefiniteness of their relationship. Most of the time, she drifted just beyond his reach; like today, when he wanted to get to her after her unsuccessful surgery and she had vanished.

"Mommy!" the desperate tiny voices sounded again, much closer to his office, making Derek stand up and peek out of the door. The corridor was deserted but for two people. A young woman was doing everything in her power to pacify a little girl in her arms. The girl was sobbing and calling her mommy with a red, tearstained face.

"Ma'am," Derek addressed the young woman. "Can I help you?"

"Oh, thank God," she looked at him with relief, rocking tenderly the little girl and patting her back. "I'm looking for doctor-"

"Mommy! I want my mommy!" the girl yelled again, her breath hitching.

"I think you should go to the clinic," said Derek concernedly. "It's a surgical department. Go straight ahead-"

"No, no!" the woman cut him across. "I'm not looking for a doctor. I'm looking for the doctor, Bessie's mom. She's a surgeon here."

"Mom!" Bessie shouted angrily, her tiny fist dropping a furry bunny to the floor.

The woman made an awkward move to pick up the toy but Derek was quicker. He stepped closer to the little girl and handed her her fluffy friend.

"There you go," he said gently and looked at her curiously trying to guess which one of his colleagues could be her mother but his mind was blank. He smiled at her; she was beautiful with her big blue eyes and a wild mane of blond locks. It wasn't normal blond. Looking from a certain angle her hair was pure gold, from another, it darkened surprisingly, verging on light brown. She was close to his old daydreams of how his and Meredith's children would look like if life wasn't a bitch and they actually had kids.

"I want my mommy!" repeated stubbornly the blond angel.

Derek's heart simply melted as she fixed her blueish gaze on him.

"We're going to take you to your mommy," he assured her. "We're going to find your mommy. Your name is Bessie, right?"

"E-L-I-Z-A-B-E-T-H," she spelled out her name proudly through the hiccoughs. She visibly felt more relaxed as she stuck out her hand towards Derek.

"Who's her mommy?" he asked the babysitter.

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Cristina was almost walking on air. Owen Hunt was bringing something new to her life every day. The stolen glances and light touches were making her feel butterflies in her stomach. He was making her that girl.

What was even more surprising, Cristina didn't fell like backing off in the face of novelty. Quite the contrary, she was wiling to embrace it. She involuntarily compared her situation with Meredith's and… for the first time in ages she assumed she was in a better spot than her friend. Her budding relationship with Owen was free from any baggage while Meredith and McDreamy… They might never recover if she stalled any longer with telling Derek he had fathered a child.

Speaking of which… Cristina stopped dead in her tracks seeing her goddaughter with… no other than Derek. Under different circumstances, she would be relieved at their reunion. She was well aware, though, that Meredith kept Shepherd in the dark, against all word of advice.

Cristina quickened her pace and reached them just in time to hear Derek's question.

"Who's her mommy?"

"Doctor-" started the babysitter.

"Dr. Shepherd!" bellowed Cristina pretending to be pressed for time. "Dr. Shepherd, what are you doing?"

"Dr. Yang?" Derek looked at her questioningly.

"They've been calling you to the pit for ages!" breathed out Cristina.

"What?" McDreamy hastily pulled out his pager. "I haven't been paged."

"Then there's something wrong with your pager," insisted Cristina. "You've got to go. They need you!"

"But-" Derek threw a glance at the little girl.

"I'll take care of them. Go!"

Derek nodded and hurried to the ER while Cristina rounded on the babysitter. "What are you doing here, moron?" She took Bessie from her arms. "You were told not to bring her to the hospital. I seriously have no idea how you got those references of yours and why Meredith is paying you so much!"

"Bessie was restless, Dr. Yang," the girl explained herself. "I couldn't pacify her. I thought that only Dr. Grey could calm her down. And she didn't answer my calls!"

"She was in surgery," grumbled Cristina rubbing Bessie's back. "I'll take care of her. Get out of my sight."

She quickly carried her goddaughter to Meredith's office brooding that Shepherd would make her life hell for covering Meredith's back when the game was up.

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"Mommy!"

Meredith was greeted by the enthusiastic squeal of her daughter who shot out of her office with the speed and force of a miniature missile.

"Bessie?" Meredith kneeled down to hug her and looked at Cristina in wonder. "What is she doing here?"

"Your stupid babysitter brought her asking around you."

"What?" shrieked Meredith in fear.

"Calm down. I've saved your ass," muttered Cristina defensively crossing her arms. "Which I wouldn't have had to do if you'd listened to me for once!" Her head snapped at the movement in the far end of the corridor. "Oh, great. He's back!"

She wanted to press Meredith to come clean but reading the raw panic in her eyes, she scooped Bessie in her arms and carried her into the office. "Hurry up and shut the blinds!" she hissed.

The frantic motion didn't go unnoticed by Derek who raised his eyes to see Cristina and Meredith disappearing into her office. Nanoseconds later the blinds went down. He walked up with a deep frown forming on his face and lightly knocked on the door, determined to get some answers.

"Meredith, is everything ok?"

"Yes!" came her quick answer.

"I'd like a word with Dr. Yang. And with you, as well; about our patients. Can I come in?"

"It's not the best moment…"

Derek heard Cristina's stifled voice and soon after Meredith slipped out of her office, shielding the interior from his view. He eyed her questioningly.

"Hi," she said breathlessly.

"Are you sure everything's fine?"

"Absolutely!" she nodded vehemently.

"Then why did you lock yourself up with Cristina?"

"So, you saw Cristina?" she sounded anxious.

"Yes-"

"Anything else you saw?"

"Yes," his answer made Meredith's heart skip a beat. "I saw your acting really weird. Both of you, for that matter. You know that Yang sent me to the pit even though I wasn't needed?"

"Oh," Meredith sighed with relief and immense gratitude towards her person.

Derek cocked his head clearly awaiting a reasonable explanation.

Think, Meredith, think!

"You know Cristina," she shot out of the blue.

"Sorry?"

"You now Cristina," Meredith continued desperately. "She's tough, tough on the outside but… inside she's just like any other person, like you or me."

It was physically impossible for Derek's eyebrows to go higher on his forehead.

Meredith went on nonetheless, "Yeah, she's… kinda emotional…And she's…" she racked her brains, "she's trying to ride out the storm!"

"Ride what?"

Meredith almost laughed at Derek's cute confusion.

"She's going through a rough patch but, you know, she doesn't want anyone to see her…"

"Crying?" prompted Derek doubtfully.

"Don't tell anyone," whispered Meredith. "I don't want to-"

"Enough, enough talking about Cristina Yang," protested Derek. "Anyway, could you come with me to my office?"

"I… I'm in a bit of a hurry."

"Just for a second," he pleaded.

"Ok," she agreed following him inside. "You were saying something about our star-crossed patients?"

Derek chuckled, "I checked upon Ms. Lewis this morning and guess what I saw?"

"She caved in, didn't she?" asked Mer excitedly.

"I'd rather put it that she finally allowed herself to listen to her heart," said Derek.

"At least one of my patients gets lucky," sighed Meredith. "Crap, I didn't mean that, I meant getting better… or whatever…"

"I know what you meant," assured her Derek quietly. "Don't beat yourself up; you're doing everything you can for those people."

"Not enough, I guess," she sat gingerly on his couch. "Is… is my ego too big?"

"Your ego is just the right size," replied Derek. "You'll get it right."

"Only when? I feel like I'm killing innocent people for sport," sulked Meredith.

"They would have died without the surgery and you know it," Derek reminded her firmly. He then reached into the drawer of his desk to pull a bottle of champagne.

"I don't think alcohol will solve my problems," said Meredith sizing up the glass container.

Derek shook his head in amusement, "Meredith…"

She was hypnotized by the tenderness of his gaze.

"This bottle of champagne has your name on it. We'll open it… when you land on the moon, Dr. Grey."

"When I land on the moon?" she gave out a small laugh. Her whole body was tingling pleasantly from his attention. "When… when will I get there?"

"Soon," Derek said confidently. "And then we're going to celebrate… the weightlessness. That is, if…" he trailed off.

"If what?" she asked breathlessly.

"If you let me…" he gave the impression of his usual self-assured cockiness but Meredith saw right through it. She was startled to discover the magnitude of his insecurity.

"I'll take you with me, Dr. Shepherd," she promised solemnly. She promised him more than he could imagine in his wildest dreams.

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"Finally!" snapped Cristina when Meredith walked back into her office. "You know, I would so kill you right now if it didn't make my goddaughter an orphan."

"Thank you Cristina," said Meredith in a slight daze, crouching beside the chair on which Bessie was currently taking a nap. Her little angel wore herself out with all the crying.

Cristina rolled her eyes; Meredith Grey officially lost it.

"Mer, please tell me you haven't just made out with him again without telling him.

"I haven't," said Meredith truthfully.

"And you haven't told him either?"

"No," Meredith stared at the floor. "But I will."

"I've heard that before," whispered Cristina icily. "And the perfect moment apparently hasn't come."

"Cristina, back me up on this, please," said Meredith quietly. "You know what I keep seeing every time I stand before him and open my mouth to say it all? I see the blue, the great blue." Her senses stopped to register her surroundings as she shared her reminiscence to Cristina. "You know, we went to France, I mean, with the program… We were stationed in a clinic in the north-west of France, Brittany, to be specific. We went sightseeing on the coast and… I'll never forget the view. The cliffs and the ocean deep below… it was breathtaking… and a bit frightening."

"What does it have to do with anything?" asked Cristina impatiently.

"When I look into his eyes, I feel like I was standing on the edge of that cliff again, about to dive headfirst. Which would be a suicide… because the heights are vertiginous and the rocks can shatter your skull into pieces. Don't… don't get me wrong, I want to dive but I need to follow a different way to the beach."

"And what the hell is the different way?"

"Weightlessness," replied simply Meredith.

"I'm sorry," Cristina addressed her friend with firmness, "but you're raving. If you want to go into metaphors, I'll serve you one. You're not on the cliff, Mer; you're already in the water. You're drowning and you're not trying to swim, again. I don't know if Derek will be able or willing to fish you out of that harbor this time." She rose up from her chair and walked to the door. "I promised to support you and I will. Just remember this; you're in Seattle, Mer. You chose to stay and you have to face the music. Give McSpawn a kiss from Auntie Cris when she wakes up."

Meredith propped her chin on her hands and studied her daughter's sleeping silhouette. "She doesn't get that…" she whispered. "Sometimes, I don't get myself." She lightly caressed Bessie's hand, careful not to stir her from her slumber. "But… never doubt that I want the best for you, angel…"

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A.N. Please, don't shoot! I'm aware you're all waiting for THE moment, me too. Having read the reviews, I considered speeding up the plot but finally decided to go with the pace I originally intended for the story. I know there might be hardly any logical justification for Mer's behavior BUT she's an avoider and she's scared beyond her wits. It's a little like Mark's putting off telling Derek about his relationship with Lexie, I think. (Although, I promise he won't beat Mer into a pulp :))Besides, remember she hasn't been in Seattle for that long, just a little over one week. Anyway, I can assure you than Derek will learn the truth very very soon now, sooner than you expect. Be patient a little longer.

Cheers,

Em