Notes: A few things in this chapter have been based on Kakashi's Shadow of the ANBU anime arc, and I totally recommend watching it if you guys haven't seen it yet, it's awesome. Also, if you ever write a long fic, don't change the plot when you have already published 100k words worth of the story, it's a nightmare.

Warnings: mention of suicide, dark themes

20. Darkest Before Sunrise

The 24th of April, the fifth year of peace
Konoha, the Land of Fire

Time flies past them as Sasuke forgets himself into listening to Kakashi and soon, without him even noticing it, several hours have passed. Kakashi already threw Sasuke off balance with his first revelation about his father, and it hasn't really got any easier to listen to him since.

Kakashi tells Sasuke everything about his life with a steady voice, starting from his sad childhood and moving on from there towards his teenage years without any hesitation. He doesn't sugar-coat anything, he doesn't skip the ugly details, and he doesn't waver even during the difficult parts. And the whole time Kakashi's bare face stays as unreadable as if he was still wearing a mask.

It's like it was just a mission report Kakashi was reciting.

Kakashi's voice is quiet and raspy by now – he has been speaking throughout the whole evening, never really stopping after he got himself started. His final words are almost abrupt as he reaches the part where their lives connect, the day Team 7 was formed, and it's only then that Kakashi shows any signs of weariness – his shoulders sag with a sigh, and he lets his ragged voice die out. He is sitting sideways on the couch, facing Sasuke, and now he just stops to look at Sasuke, waiting for his reaction.

Sasuke is at a loss for words.

He has heard everything about the father who committed suicide because of the closed-mindedness of the village, he has heard about the childhood rival that sacrificed himself for Kakashi only to be left to his death, about the other teammate that Kakashi was forced to kill even though he had promised to keep her safe, and all about the traumatised, depressed boy who eventually grew into the man Sasuke is looking at right now. Sasuke has learned so much about the boy who graduated at the age of six, who never really had friends of his own age – and the ones he had were torn away from him far too soon – about the boy who was assigned to the ANBU when he was thirteen and continued to serve in the assassination squad for over ten years.

Sasuke watches the weary man sitting in front of him and sees the thirteen-year-old boy that kept washing his hands over and over again because the only thing he could see was his friend's blood on them.

"What if I were to kill the ones you love most?"

"No such person exists. Those people have already been killed."

How stupid he has been. How utterly, selfishly stupid.

Sasuke studies Kakashi, his calloused hands, larger than Sasuke's, his light hair that spills over his neck and over the collar of his shirt, his scar that cuts his eyebrow in two and barely misses his mouth. Sasuke thought that he knew this man, knew his gentle eyes and deep voice, but this evening has forced him to admit that he never really grasped who Kakashi is behind his mask. Because only now, for the first time since they met each other all those years ago, Sasuke feels that he finally understands the man in front of him. He might not accept all of his decisions, but understands why Kakashi made those choices.

He just never thought that there would be so much pain in this man who hides behind both literal and figurative masks, quirked brows and well-timed chuckles.

Sasuke wishes that he had known this, all of this. He would have done so much so differently. There is this ache screaming in him that Kakashi should have told him this way back when Sasuke was still hellbent on killing his brother and thought that his only option was leaving the village. If Kakashi had told him this instead of tying him up and scolding him, told him how much he understands the pain Sasuke was going through, maybe Sasuke would have stayed.

But just as fast as that thought came to him, comes the realisation that it could never have happened – back then, no matter how much Kakashi valued Sasuke as a student, there was no way that he would have trusted Sasuke with his heart like this. No, without the past year that put them through so much, they wouldn't be here now. They would never have ended like this, with Kakashi opening up to him about his past and Sasuke sitting there, feeling so honoured and bittersweet at the same time.

And under all those feelings, Sasuke still can't get past the fact that Kakashi talks about his past like it's a trivial thing, an old memory to be forgotten and tossed aside. Like it doesn't mean anything that he had to suffer through all that. Sasuke doesn't know who he should go to kill for making Kakashi like this, for letting him brush off his pain so easily.

"I'm so sorry," Sasuke hears himself say. His voice sounds so strange to his ear, so raw and honest he barely recognises himself. "About everything. I wish I had known, I…"

"It's all in the past now," Kakashi answers, going for his usual laidback, not-a-care-in-the-world attitude. The familiar, meaningless smile appears on his face. "It doesn't matter anymore – "

"Of course it fucking matters!" Sasuke hisses and stops Kakashi before he get any further with his bullshit. He is so damn skilled at downplaying his problems, too damn skilled for his own good. "You haven't talked about any of this with anyone before, have you?"

"Like you're any better," Kakashi quips back with a chuckle.

Sasuke is feeling so many things at once he doesn't know what to do with himself – he wants to shake Kakashi for doing this to himself, he wants to go burn the village for letting this to happen, he wants to cry because Kakashi was still so young when he came home to see his father lying in his own blood with his blade thrust through his stomach and Sasuke knows exactly how the little boy must have felt.

"You have been through so much more than most of the rest of us have, and still you keep this to yourself and say it doesn't matter," he growls, more harshly than he intended. "It matters and you shouldn't have had to wait this long for somebody to care about what happened to you. You shouldn't have had to wait this long and get only me to listen to you."

"Don't belittle yourself like that."

"This isn't about me!" Sasuke growls, looking up at Kakashi with desperation. He's feeling so vulnerable because he has been trusted with all of this pain and when Sasuke wants to get angry about the fact that Kakashi has had to be alone with this, Kakashi just tries to derail this conversation to be about Sasuke's feelings. "You have been a victim of the village just as much as I have. From the moment you father died you have been conditioned to think of the good of Konoha before anything else. And look what it did to you."

They are two people that lost everything to the village at a very young age and have suffered because of that ever since.

"This village made you what you are today, this whole system that our world operates by, the system of sending children to fight the adults' battles. And it never took any responsibility of what it caused. Just like it never did with my clan."

"Sasuke – "

"I'm not angry at you," Sasuke rushes to say. "I just wish that this wouldn't have happened to you. To any of us." He still doesn't know how to express how shocked and shaken he is, and how much it means to him that Kakashi trusted him with this. "I get why you don't want the Hokage title. Hell, I would get it even without all this baggage you have, it's a huge responsibility."

"Nah, it's the paperwork I'm worried about," Kakashi laughs, trying his best to crawl out of this situation – it's clear that this is hard for him, and Sasuke has the heart to indulge him by rolling his eyes and scoffing.

But this too important to Sasuke for him to let it go now.

"No, seriously, I get it. You don't have to make excuses, I get it," Sasuke states, his word slow as he searches for Kakashi's gaze again. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to, right?"

"In theory, I could refuse, yes. But I don't know if there is really anybody else to take the title. I'm the Fourth's student, and the Fifth's first pick to be her successor. It's best for the village if it succession is seamless, if I take it – "

"Screw the village! The village never gave a shit about you, so you don't get to guilt yourself into taking the title just because it's best for them," Sasuke growls, giving up and moving from his end of the couch to come sit next to Kakashi, his knee pressing against Kakashi's thigh when he crosses his legs in front of him. "Forget about Konoha. This is about you and only you."

Kakashi closes his eyes and covers them with his hand, his whole body stiffening, and finally there is a crack in his composure. It takes Sasuke's breath away to see all this fragility in the man whom he has come to know as the perfect assassin, the deadliest shinobi of the Leaf. Sasuke has never seen Kakashi like this. And as he watches the rapid rise and fall of Kakashi' chest, Sasuke feels like he is looking at himself from a year ago, hidden away in that cave in the Land of Snow, baring so much of himself that he had never shared with anyone.

Sasuke is forced to glance up when Kakashi begins again, his voice unusually fast and emotional.

"I was in ANBU for twelve years. Then I was pulled out of the force to teach children. The Third never asked if I wanted to do that. And look where the only team I ever accepted ended up," he blurts out, removing his hand to look at Sasuke with more desperation than Sasuke has ever seen. "I can't take care of a three-man genin team, what am I supposed to do with a whole village?"

There's a long silence. Sasuke awkwardly wiggles his toes and brushes his hair from his eyes. But before he can think of anything to say, Kakashi continues, but this time with a lower but steadier voice.

"But I could change so much," he whispers, almost like he is talking to himself instead of Sasuke. "I – we could start changing the system, we could make sure that what happened to both of us would never happen to anybody ever again." Now Kakashi looks at him, and there is a hint of his old, confident self in that gaze. "If the Council doesn't agree to reveal the truth about your clan now, I could help you with it as long as you need. Right now my word doesn't mean anything to the Council, but if I was the Hokage…"

"But do you want to do it?" Sasuke jumps in. Because agreeing to take the Hokage title even to change the shinobi system like Team 7 planned still means doing it for someone else. "Will you regret taking the job ten years from now if you have to talk yourself into it today?"

"I don't know," comes the answer. Kakashi's right eye is slate grey in the dim light of the room. The sharingan in his left spins lazily and Sasuke feels odd now that he knows which one of cousins that eye belonged to.

The old couch creaks under Sasuke's weight as he leans forward. A year ago their roles were reversed, he was the one on the brink of breaking down and Kakashi was there to listen. This time it's Sasuke's turn to pick up the pieces and put them back together.

"Konoha wants you because of your battle experience. Your strategic thinking. They want somebody capable of defending the village and leading the forces should the need arise. They don't need a babysitter."

He closes his eyes, breaths deeply through his nose and opens his eyes again.

"They want somebody who can and will put the village first. And you have. You will. We both know that," he states and looks Kakashi straight in the eye. "I know that you think you lost Obito and Rin because you were too focused on the way the village wants its shinobi to be, that it's your fault they're dead. It's not."

Sasuke does the boldest thing he has done ever since he walked back to Konoha after killing his brother and decided to bear the weight of his clan on his shoulders yet again.

He reaches for Kakashi's hand with his own, slowly taking it into both of his, just letting it rest there between his hands. It doesn't matter what Sasuke decided to do about his feelings, this has nothing to with it – this has nothing to do with him. This is about his friend, about Kakashi needing someone, and this time Sasuke is going to be there for him like Kakashi was for him.

"Committing yourself to the village won't always result in you losing someone. So, if you honestly want to take the job, you shouldn't refuse just because of your past," he says, keeping his eyes solely to their hands. He wouldn't dare to do this, to say these things if he had to look Kakashi in the eye. "You just have to trust us, Naruto and Sakura and me. We all are here to stay."

"Sasuke – " Kakashi begins, but doesn't seem to be sure of what he wants to say, and his voice fades away.

When Sasuke steals a quick glimpse at Kakashi, he finds him looking at their hands, not saying anything. Sasuke intertwines their fingers, loosely tangling them together. He doesn't glance back up when he continues.

"Don't take the title of the Hokage because of some righteous reason of doing it for the good of the village. Especially not the version of Konoha the Elders and the Council want. Take it to attack the system and the old men leading it. Change the system. Change it for us," Sasuke says, his voice getting stronger with each word as he gets surer about his this. "Change it for your father."

Change it for me.

After that, with Kakashi still staying nothing, Sasuke fears that maybe he was too forward after all. Feeling awkward, he lets go and quickly stands up from the couch. He decides to give Kakashi some time and privacy and retreats to the kitchen.

Sasuke switches the lights on and stands there at the middle of the room for a few seconds, his mind whirling, before he remembers to take a seat at the table. He winces when the chair screeches against the floor – he is feeling self-conscious enough as it is, he doesn't these loud noises to remind Kakashi that Sasuke is still here.

He can still feel the warmth of Kakashi's skin on his.

Sasuke leans his chin on his hand with a sigh, drumming the fingers of the other hand against the table. But the sound is too loud in his ears and he stops himself mid-motion, curling his fingers into a fist instead. Sasuke turns to look out the window – the night is dark and the only thing he can see is his own distorted reflection staring back at him.

Sasuke hadn't realised how exactly similar they are, Kakashi and him. How much they have been through. He had never though how dark his former teacher's past was – of course Sasuke had guessed that Kakashi hadn't had the happiest of childhoods and it was common knowledge that he had been in the Third Great Shinobi war when he was young, but it had never even crossed Sasuke's mind that there would be this much pain and desperation in the man he always thought as laid-back and lazy.

He can't help but feel appalled because what he witnessed today was the results of the village treating its children poorly. It makes Sasuke want to go murder the Elders in their sleep, scare the rest of the Council shitless with his mangenkyoo sharingan and then leave Konoha for good – preferably with Team 7 alongside him. It's an impossible dream, but it does give him some sort of satisfaction to sit there in Kakashi's kitchen and fantasize about all the slow and painful ways he could send the Elders to their – not even early – graves.

On the other hand, all of this makes him want to fight the system even more. Apparently nobody else is going to do it, so Sasuke has to. Especially if Kakashi agrees to take the Hokage position – they'll have to work together to make it work. They'll need all of Team 7.

If it just was so easy.

Sasuke is too tired to think about all of this. All that has happened today has left him exhausted – it's not often that he has to be so in touch with his emotions, and it's surprisingly tiring. He spies the clock on the wall – it's way past midnight already. Kakashi had to explain so much and tell him more about the people he kept mentioning so that Sasuke could understand what he was talking about, and the whole evening flew past them. Sasuke isn't sure whether he accidentally dozed off in the kitchen or if he just forgot himself deep in his thoughts, because he could swear it wasn't that late when he first sat down at the table.

Blinking to keep himself awake, Sasuke sneers at the thought of still having to head home this late.

Kakashi startles him when he appears at the doorway, looking only slightly more composed than he was when Sasuke fled from the living room.

"You can stay here for the night," he says with a quiet voice.

Sasuke nods, afraid of breaking something if he speaks. He must have been staring because Kakashi sighs at him.

"I'm fine. I just need to think," he says, scratching the back of his head. Then he lifts his gaze to look at Sasuke again, and this time his voice is softer and eyes kinder. "Go to sleep."

Sasuke can see that Kakashi still needs time to consider all the possibilities ahead of him, and Sasuke doesn't think anything of it when it's clear that Kakashi wants to be alone. Or alone but with Sasuke in the apartment. Kakashi could have asked him to leave if he didn't want Sasuke there – it's not a feat for a ninja to walk around the village even at this hour, and the only problem Sasuke had with it in the first place was that he was just so tired.

He gives Kakashi a nod and gets up from his chair. When he slips past Kakashi back to the living room, there are blankets waiting for him on the couch. Guess Kakashi needed something to do to while pondering about life changing decisions.

Sasuke climbs on the couch and buries himself under the covers. It doesn't take him long to fall asleep, it's easy to relax while listening to the soft sounds Kakashi makes around the apartment – the patter of bare feet on the wooden floor, the muffled sound of a mug being laid on the table, muttered curses as he drops something.

Sasuke might snap awake a few hours later, roused by something so irrelevant he doesn't remember what it was when he tries to think of it the next morning. Still half-asleep, barely awake, he opens one eye to peer at the dark room, but when he finds only Kakashi walking pass the couch and gently telling him to go back to sleep, Sasuke closes his eye again and falls asleep.

o0o

Sasuke wakes up to the muffled sounds of two people talking in the kitchen. He's already burying his head into the pillow, trying to mute the sounds and fall back asleep when he remembers that he is not at home, that it's Kakashi's old, lumpy couch he's vacating, and that there is apparently somebody else in the apartment besides the two of them.

He forces his eyes open and blinks at the still dim living room, his vision blurred and hazy from sleep – the window blinds are still shut and Sasuke has no idea what time it is. He was hoping that one of the dogs might have appeared into the apartment during the morning and made itself comfortable in the living room so Sasuke could have asked it what is going on. He isn't that lucky.

Sasuke can make out Kakashi's voice out of the two talking in the kitchen, it's deep and clear enough that Sasuke is able to recognise it from this distance. If Kakashi is already awake and didn't come to wake Sasuke up when the guest showed up, it means that Sasuke shouldn't really worry about whoever it is. Sasuke closes his eyes, he is still drowsy enough that he might just slip back to sleep if he tries. He pulls the blanket over his head, warm and comfortable. Whoever it is, Kakashi can take care of it, it his apartment anyway. Sasuke has nothing to do so he might as well enjoy the morning and sleep some more.

He manages to fool himself for maybe two minutes, then he snaps his eyes open. It bothers him too much, not knowing who it is and what is going on. Sasuke grumbles something into his pillow and gives up. Slowly he climbs up from the couch, cringing when his bare feet hit the cold floor.

Now Sasuke recognises the other voice as Tsunade's. That piques his interest – Sasuke bets all his money that this has to do with her proposal about naming Kakashi the next Hokage. Considering how anxious Kakashi was about the promotion last night, Sasuke doesn't want him to deal with Tsunade alone. He tries to straighten the rumpled white t-shirt that clearly looks like it isn't his, tugging one sleeve to make himself even somewhat presentable – he doesn't want to know what kind of a mess his hair is – and wanders to the kitchen with a yawn.

He catches Tsunade mid-sentence. She is seated at the table with a steaming cup of coffee in front of her. Kakashi is sitting at the opposite side of the table, the newspaper of the morning spread in front of him, leaning his chin on his hand as he listens to Tsunade. The ninken are in the apartment after all, the pack has spread all over the kitchen floor. One of them, Sasuke thinks it's the one called Uhei, is resting its head on Kakashi's lap as he absent-mindedly scratches the dog behind its ears.

To Tsunade's credit, she only stops for few seconds when she spots Sasuke before continuing her speech. Sasuke knows exactly what this must look like – the image of him, in Kakashi's clothes, still soft and blinking from sleep, casually walking across the room to pour himself coffee, knowing exactly in which cabinets and drawers the mugs and spoons are. It doesn't exactly help that it's still early in the morning and with the layout of the apartment being as it is, Tsunade has no way of knowing whether he came from the living room or the bedroom. Not that Sasuke cares about what she might think of this – he sits down nonchalantly next to Kakashi and steals the newspaper from his former teacher as the other two carry on their conversation.

Sasuke doesn't have any interest to acknowledge the situation, Kakashi doesn't say anything and Tsunade doesn't ask.

After inhaling one cup of coffee Sasuke has enough caffeine in his system to finally bother to listen to the other shinobis in the room. What he gathers is that Tsunade had apparently dropped the bomb on Kakashi the night he came back, asking him to take her position, but Kakashi had managed to flee the scene without giving her a straight answer. She hadn't been able to hunt Kakashi down since until this morning, and now she drills Kakashi with questions after questions of what he thinks of it.

"You know I have been planning this for a long time, don't you?" Tsunade explains, her eyes focused on Kakashi who so far has been solemnly nodding during appropriate parts of her tirade but not commenting otherwise. "I can't focus on the hospital and the village at the same time anymore. I'm needed more as the head of the hospital than as the Hokage. And that's what I want to do, if I'm being totally honest."

"I know," Kakashi answers, still quiet and serious like he was last night. "It wasn't a surprise, if that's what you are asking."

"I am sorry for dumping this all on you. But I feel that I'm growing too old for this – the whole situation with Danzou last summer, the aftermath of it… I'm tired of fighting with the Council every day."

"Is that supposed be reassuring?" Kakashi chuckles, shaking his head lightly. "No, we've been talking about since last autumn, I knew to expect this."

"I was hoping that you had had time to think about this while you were away. I didn't mean to make you to decide right after you came back, but the hospital is still short-staffed and that's where my heart is."

"It's alright. I have just never been that excited about the Hokage position."

"I know how hard it is to make a decision like that in such a short time," Tsunade hums, suddenly looking her age as she leans on the table. "But everybody seems to expect me to reign forever, running both the Hokage office and the hospital. They tend to forget how old I really am. Well, even I tend to forget that myself sometimes."

Sasuke looks up from the newspaper and out the window. The morning is beautiful, warm sunlight gleams through the glass and he can hear birds singing outside.

Tsunade turns to him, addressing him for the first time this morning.

"I don't know why you are here, and I'm not particularly sure whether I want to. But I needed to see you anyway, so it's good you're here."

Sasuke hides another yawn behind his hand, waiting for her to continue.

"I've got a date for the hearing of your plea. The Council will vote about it, so I arranged the meeting to be before my resignation. I'll still be Hokage when that happens so I can back you up," Tsunade explains. "I know that Kakashi, should he take the job, will surely support you with it as much I will, if not more, but the Council members will work better with someone they already know and respect. Well, sort of."

And suddenly Sasuke has a date, a deadline, and it's starting to feel real only now. He will be presenting the matter of his clan to the Council, and it will happen soon. After all the countless hours spent in the archives, after thousands of rewrites of the plea, the moment is finally here.

Tsunade turns back to Kakashi.

"I'll be resigning in less than a month. I already promised the hospital staff I would take charge there then. I'm sorry that I have to ask you to answer so quickly, but I'll need to know whether I can count you in or if I have to find somebody else to take my place."

"No hurry then, I'll just have to decide today," Kakashi chuckles, tilting his head to the side. "No pressure at all."

"I said I'm sorry. But the situation with the hospital is what it is," Tsunade tells him, and she does look like she honestly means it. "Kakashi, I'm getting old. I truly am."

"I know. It's not your fault."

"It doesn't have to be a final, definite answer today, as long as I get one by the end of the week. But please tell me if there's any hope that you might take the job," Tsunade sighs and closes her eyes. "You're the best candidate we have. Naruto's still too young and he doesn't have the mind for the endless pile of paperwork a Hokage will face every day."

"And probably never will," is what Sasuke wants to add but he settles for rolling his eyes. The hot mug warms his hands and he finally feels awake enough to function properly.

"So you're going to dump the job on me whether I want it or not?" Kakashi asks with a defeated tone. There are dark circles under his eyes. Sasuke thinks the man looks ten years older than he is.

"No, this is the moment when I give you a way out if you don't want it. Just say you won't do it and that's it." Tsunade runs her fingers through her hair. "But you'd be the best bet for the village."

Kakashi sighs and then launches into a rant.

"I have never been good at dealing with people and their feelings. How am I supposed to be a Hokage when I wasn't even suited to be a jounin sensei? I was a horrible teacher – ask this one here if you don't believe me," he grumbles and nudges Sasuke into his shoulder.

Sasuke gives Tsunade a non-committal shrug and refuses to comment on the matter.

"I think you'll do just fine," says the Fifth Hokage with a dismissing wave of her hand and leans back on her chair. "Think about me and who I was when I started. You can't possibly be worse than me."

Kakashi blinks at her and a look of uncertainty flashes in his eyes. He leans on his elbow, covering his masked mouth with his hand, and closes his eyes for a second. Sasuke can't hear any sound, but he sees the deep heave of Kakashi's chest as he sighs.

Sasuke guesses that Kakashi has probably been up the whole night, wondering about this.

Without really thinking about it Sasuke reaches for Kakashi's hand with his own under the table. His fingertips trace over Kakashi's warm skin for a heartbeat, and in that second something happens. Kakashi's whole posture changes as he rolls his shoulders back and when he opens his eyes next, there's that familiar steel in his eyes. Sasuke has missed it.

He knows what choice Kakashi has made.

Tsunade catches that too, because she straightens her back and it's with the formality of a state leader when she asks her next question.

"Will you be the next Hokage?"

Kakashi's deep, strong voice comes without a hint of uncertainty.

"I will."

And then, with Tsunade smiling at her coffee and successful schemes, and Sasuke still blinking in the sunlight of the morning, Kakashi takes Sasuke's hand into his and squeezes back, and it feels like a thank you.