Chapter 20

Bella could not help it when she put her hand to her nose, trying her best to block the smell of ammonia. She could barely listen as a strange man, the building manager, spoke in his monotone, bored voice about thermostats, electricity bills, the laundromat down the street, and the elderly next-door neighbour who never had loud parties. The ad on Craigslist, which had looked so promising, was once again leaving her hanging, and she was beginning to wonder whether or not she would ever find someplace suitable.

"What's the neighbourhood like? Any public transit nearby?" Bella had almost forgotten about Rosalie, who was leaning against the kitchen counter with a look on her face that said quite clearly that this was not the place. Bella knew she would ask, as she had done at the previous three viewings, but as they had at those ones, they would leave without hesitation.

The small kitchen they were standing in was a low-ceilinged, yellow-walled room with a smattering of cabinets and an old, rusted-out oven in the corner. Bella could see the stain on the floor where the refrigerator had once stood, and when she walked across the room with her sneakers on, she could feel her feet sticking. The living room, just a few steps away, was carpeted in dull grey, and though she could not be sure she suspected that this was the source of the smell. She knew the building was pet-friendly (she'd seen a number of furry faces poking out of windows on her way up), and by the smell of things, this apartment had been home to any number of cats over the years. The bedroom, which Rose had refused to enter, included a sagging, queen-sized bed and newspaper cuttings on the window, which let in only a fraction of the bright, California sun.

Bella had only poked her head into the bathroom, her nose wrinkling in disgust at the mildew in the tub and the grime around the sink.

"Of course, it'll be cleaned up before you move in," wheezed the man, resting against the wall. He seemed good-natured enough, she supposed, but Bella had a persistent conscience that demanded to know whether this man took as much pride in his maintenance skills as he did in his personal appearance. He was a very shabby-looking man, with a long, flabby face and slicked, greasy dark hair. He had removed his ball cap when the two women had approached him, and Bella had found herself quietly wishing that he'd kept it on. His beard, which he evidently did not take much care to maintain, was growing in patches, and the muscle-tee he had chosen for the day was about three sizes too small.

When he hefted himself up again to walk past them into the living room, Bella caught the faint scent of sweat, and something that reminded her of old clothes that had been left too long in the washing machine.

"Yes, well…" said Rose, clearing her throat with a significant look at Bella. "Thank you for your time. We'll be in touch."

"You'd fit in here awful well," said the man eagerly. "I mean…" He looked Bella up and down, his eyes raking over her.

"Yes," said Rose. There was a new hardness in her voice. "We'll just be going…"

"Naw, I didn't mean it like that!" he said. "I just mean it'll be nice to have some good, quiet tenants in here…"

Bella could not help the little frown that crossed her face.

"As I said," repeated Rose, taking Bella by the hand. "We'll be in touch. Thank you, Mr.…"

"Call me Ronnie," said the man, waving a dismissive hand. "That'll be just fine…"

"Thanks Ronnie," said Rose. "Let's go, Bella."

"Thanks."

"You've got my card," said Ronnie.

Rosalie said nothing as she pulled Bella insistently from the apartment. They were up on the fourth floor and the staircase was long, but neither of them spoke until they had re-emerged at the bottom, stepping out into the humid, claustrophobic California heat.

"Good lord," gasped Rose, taking a deep breath once they were outside. "I don't think I took a breath the whole time we were in there!"

Bella could not help but laugh.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she sniggered, shaking her head as Rose took a little bottle of sanitizer out of her bag. When offered, Bella accepted a large dollop. "It really didn't look that bad…"

"They never do," said Rose, fighting back a smile of her own.

"No, really," insisted Bella, buckling herself in to the passenger's seat. "I'm serious. It had nice pictures, and lots of light, and a decent…"

"Mhm."

"I'm serious!" protested Bella. "It looked alright…"

"Well," laughed Rose. "We're out now. I think I'm going to need about ten showers after today, but I'll make it."

Bella snorted.

"I really am sorry," she said again, trying her best to keep her sniggers to herself. "Truly…"

"Ah, it's not your fault," said Rose, shaking her head. "I'd have done the same thing. We're doing my choices next week, and I'm sure there will be just as many duds, if not more…"

"I don't know how you managed to find so many," complained Bella. "I was online for almost two hours, and I only found those four…"

"Connections, my dear," said Rose. "Connections are everything."

"What connections?" demanded Bella. "You were on the same websites…"

"Yes, but I've learned over the years where to look and where not to look. Plus, Jasper helped…"

"Jasper?" asked Bella, shocked. "What does he know about it?"

"He's a cop," said Rose, rolling her eyes. "You know better than anyone… cops always know where the good areas are."

"That's true, I guess…" said Bella. She had rarely seen that side of Charlie's work, but she supposed Rose was right—her father would have known all about the shadier areas of Seattle.

"Well, we've only looked at six," said Rose gently. "Los Angeles is a huge city. We'll find something, I'm sure…"

"I hope so," said Bella. She would never admit it, especially not to Rosalie, but she was beginning to feel quite discouraged in her house hunting mission. She had started out so confident, so eager and ready, that with each successive blow, a little of her excitement and eagerness was chipped away. Of course, Rose had warned her that a house-hunt with Bella's budget in such a big city was going to be a challenge, but like everyone who was eager for something they had never tried, Bella had thought these doubts were exaggerated.

Bella was learning that Rosalie was, more often than not, right.

"Don't get frustrated just yet," said Rose, seeming to sense Bella's secret mood. "We've barely scratched the surface. For every decent place around here, there are probably twenty shitholes like the one back there."

Bella smiled.

"I know," she sighed. "It's just… well…"

"I know," said Rose. "It's hard. But we'll find something."

Bella sighed, resting her head against the window.

"Look on the bright side—now we know which areas of town to avoid."

Bella had to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing.

"And it was awful." Bella let out a shudder as she wiped down the last of the tables, trying to look offended at the amused laughter on Alice's face.

"What did Rosalie say?" she crowed. "Oh, she hates anything being dirty…"

Bella blushed.

"She didn't say anything."

"She must really like you."

"Well…" Bella stammered, unable to think of a reply. "I mean…"

"Trust me," snorted Alice. "The fact that she stayed in there and didn't run away screaming says enough."

"Her choices will be better, I'm sure," said Bella, tossing her head. "They looked decent on the internet…"

"They always do!" laughed Alice.

Bella, unable to respond, scrubbed at a particularly sticky spot on the tabletop. Alice laughed again, as she always seemed to do.

"That's good, Bella. You can go home if you want to." She reached over and took the cloth for herself. Bella frowned, biting her lip when she saw the time on the clock.

"I've got fifteen minutes left," she said.

"I know," said Alice, "but don't worry about it. You've done your share for today. If you go now, you might catch the next bus."

"Thanks Alice."

"Don't mention it. Say hi to Rose for me."

"Will do!"

"See you on Wednesday?"

"Definitely."

"Bye Miss Bella!" Tyler's voice rang out from the storeroom. "See you later!"

"Bye Tyler!"

When Bella, her night made better by Alice's early dismissal, stepped off of the bus three blocks from Invictus, she took her time walking down the bustling, noisy street. The sun was just starting to fall behind the tall buildings on the west end of the city, and if she stopped to peer between the bank and an old apartment block, she could see the silhouette of a languid palm tree against the orange horizon. It was the little things like this that Bella was growing to love best. While she was sure a California native would have little admiration for palm trees—they were so commonplace in Los Angeles, after all—Bella made a deliberate effort to notice them. Although they were only a tiny part of the whole, Bella had begun to realize that sometimes it was the small things, like breezy coconut trees, that could make her feel happy. She had grown so accustomed to a life filled with hardships that she had started to wonder whether or not it was really worth it. The world around her had grown too dark too quickly, and like anyone who is steeped in shadows after living in sunshine, it had taken her eyes some time to adjust. It was only now, as she was beginning to regain her footing, that she could appreciate those little sparks of beauty against a black and gloomy sky, and she felt all the better for it.

When she snuck in the back door of Invictus, Rose raised a questioning brow at the silly grin on her face.

"Care to share?"

"Nothing," sighed Bella, shrugging as she slipped out of her apron. "It's just pretty outside today."

Rose laughed.

"I'm glad," she said. "It's nice to see you smile."

Bella smiled even wider in response.

"You ready for our outing tomorrow?" she asked. "I've got my eye on our 10 o'clock… it looks promising."

"Definitely," said Bella. "Where is it?"

"A few miles from here," said Rose, gesturing vaguely south. "Closer to work for you, but further from here."

"Ah."

"We'll see how it goes tomorrow," said Rose. "I refuse to get my hopes up until we've seen it. After the places you dragged me to last week…"

Bella snorted.

"I—"

A witty response, which came so easily to her when she was alone with Rosalie, was cut short by the jangling of the telephone in Rose's office.

"Stay there," said Rose, a wicked grin on her face. "I'll be right back." Bella, shaking her head, sat carefully in a plush armchair next to the reception desk as Rose jogged into her open office, stretching herself over the desk to snatch the handset of her desk phone.

"Invictus Women's Center, Rosalie speaking."

Bella, trying not to listen in, focused her attention on untying the knot in the strings of her apron. She did not know exactly how she managed to do it day after day, but whenever she came home after work, those strings were tied into a knot so hard and tight that you would've thought she'd tied it on purpose.

It rivalled even Charlie's fishing knots, and that in itself was a feat.

"I, um…" The hesitation in Rosalie's voice made Bella pause, and her brows quirked together in a frown. Dropping the strings, she glanced up and was surprised to see Rosalie staring at her, a grimace on her face.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?" Bella stood, her apron forgotten on the chair. She took a hesitant step towards Rosalie, who looked apologetic as she covered the mouthpiece.

"Do you want to talk to your brother?"

"My… what?" asked Bella, stunted.

"He's on the line," said Rose anxiously. "I told you. He calls almost every day, but you're always upstairs."

"I…" began Bella. She could hear a male voice, loud enough for her to make out a few words, speaking through the phone.

"Please… Bella… mean… I…"

"Give her a minute," said Rose, her voice not unkind. "Bella?"

"I…"

Did she want to talk to him?

"Here," said Rose, waving Bella forward. "Just listen, if you don't want to talk."

Dumbly, Bella stepped forward. Her old anxiety, which had been suspiciously silent these past few weeks, reared its ugly head again as she held the phone in her hand, raising it carefully to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Bella," said Emmett, and she was sure she could hear him shaking.

They were silent for a long moment. Rosalie, looking apologetic, slipped out of the office and closed the door gently behind her, leaving Bella alone with the telephone.

"What…"

"I'm…"

Emmett let out a shaky laugh.

"You first," he said. "Go ahead."

"What did you want to say?" asked Bella nervously. Her words sounded stunted, even to her own ears.

"I'm sorry," said Emmett in a rush. "I didn't mean to scare you, or freak you out with those letters. I just…"

Bella took a deep breath.

"It's okay."

"Is it, though?" he asked, his voice small and meek. "I showed you the letters, and then you ran out and haven't spoken to me in almost a month. Is it okay?"

Bella had no response.

"Are you angry with me?" he asked. "Upset? Sad?"

"I don't know," said Bella, feeling as if she were being honest for the first time. "I don't know what I feel."

Emmett was silent.

"I started off scared," she admitted, her face flushing with embarrassment. "I didn't know what to think, and those letters changed everything…"

"What do you mean, everything?" asked Emmett.

"It changed my whole worldview," said Bella quietly. "It changed how I thought about you, it changed how I remembered dad, it changed how I felt about being here…"

"Do you want to go back home?" asked Emmett gently.

"Where is home?" asked Bella dryly. "Seattle's got nothing left for me, and I can't seem to find my footing here…"

"Home is wherever you want to go, Bell," said Emmett. "I'll help you get wherever you want to be. I…"

"I don't need help," said Bella, doing her best not to sound defensive. "I mean…"

"Everyone needs help sometimes, kiddo," said Emmett. The quaver in his voice and a loud sniffle belied the truth, and Bella couldn't help but tear up—her brother was crying.

"I'll be okay," said Bella, shaking her head to dispel the sting in her eyes. "I promise."

"I'm sorry I scared you," said Emmett, returning to the letters. "I really am."

"It's okay." This was true—Emmett could not be held accountable for her own unruly emotions.

"Are you angry with me?" he asked again.

"I…" Bella bit her lip. "I don't know, Emmett."

"Okay," he said. "Okay…"

"I just…" She listened to his heavy breathing. "I just can't figure things out."

"What things?"

"Everything."

He sighed.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't…" Bella shook her head. "Don't be sorry."

"I'll always be sorry."

"I just…" Bella wished she could find her words. "I just don't know what to think."

"Fair enough," said Emmett. "But I hope you know that it doesn't matter how angry or scared you are—I'll always love you."

And Bella, biting the inside of her cheek hard enough to taste blood, cursed him to the lowest circle of hell as the wetness pooling in her eyes overflowed.

Things would be so much easier if he hated her, as she'd spent so long believing.

"Love you too," she said, her voice cracking on the last word.

There was a long pause. Bella held the phone tightly to her ear, listening to the sound of breathing on the other end and wondering, despite a funny reluctance, if she should let him go.

"What have you been up to?" The question startled her, and she blinked twice before she could answer.

"Working," she said. "Reading. House hunting."

"House hunting?" asked Emmett, sounding surprised. "I didn't know you were already looking for your own place."

"Rosalie is helping," said Bella. "We have some showings tomorrow."

"Any promising ones?"

"Don't know," said Bella. "Rose found these ones. Mine from last week were shit."

Emmett barked out a laugh.

"Well, you've gotta cross the moat before you make it to the castle," he said. "You'll find something, I'm sure. If you need any help…"

"We're alright," said Bella, swallowing against the lump in her throat. "We'll figure it out."

"Sure, sure…" The word were lighthearted, but Bella thought she could detect a hint of heaviness behind them. Deep down, she knew that Emmett wanted nothing more than to help in any way he could, but she could not find it in her to accept it. In her mind, to accept his help would be to forgive him his past wrongs, and Bella was not quite ready to let that go just yet.

"Thanks, though," she added, clearing her throat. "For the offer."

"It still stands," said Emmett quickly. "If you change your mind, I'd be happy to help…"

"Yeah," said Bella. "Thanks."

The line was quiet once more.

"Have you been back to work?" asked Bella, spying a magazine on the corner of Rose's desk. Emmett's face was plastered across the front, the words "Emmett Backing Out of Sequel?!" brandished across his chest. The picture was not a flattering one—she recognized the front of the hotel from a swanky area of downtown Seattle, and from the look of his baggy t-shirt and five o'clock shadow, it had been taken without his knowledge while he was in Washington looking for her.

As confused and sad and angry as she was towards her brother, she did not want his career to suffer because of her.

"Yeah," said Emmett. "Yeah, I went in today and did a few scenes. Marcus smoothed things over with the director, so…"

"That's good?" She did not mean to make it sound like a question, but Emmett laughed.

"Yeah, it's good," he said. "This guy is a piece of work, and he was threatening to end my contract, but they've already sunk too much money into it, and it's not like I just up and quit…"

"No."

"I go back full time on Monday," he continued. "I'll have to take you to a set sometime. That's a part of the city that most people don't get to see…"

"Yeah, maybe," said Bella. In truth, the idea of going behind-the-scenes on a movie set excited her, but she would not let her enthusiasm show just now.

There was an awkward pause.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?" She cleared her throat.

"Is there any way I can convince you to come back?" he asked. Bella didn't know if she'd ever heard Emmett's voice that soft. The sound tugged at her heartstrings—she did not like to hear him so upset—but she was still not ready to move past her own misgivings.

"I…" she began, trying her best not to make things worse. "I don't think…"

"Forget it," he said quickly. "Forget I asked, Bell. Don't worry about it. I just miss you, that's all."

Bella sighed.

"I don't mean to push…"

"No," said Bella. "No, it's fine…"

"I really don't. But if you ever want to come back, all you have to do is ask. Anytime…"

"Thanks."

"Anytime," he repeated. "I don't care how late it is, or if it's raining, or if you're all the way across town. If you ever want to come back, I'll come and get you."

Bella frowned as she picked at her fingernails. Emmett was making it very hard for her to stay angry.

"Thanks."

It was all she could say.

"You'll let me know how your house-hunting goes?" he asked.

"Sure."

"And will you let me have your address when you move?"

"If you want it," said Bella.

"I do," he insisted. "I really do. But only if you're okay…"

"No," said Bella, shaking her head. "I mean, yeah. That's okay."

"Good…"

Bella glanced at the clock, sighing when she saw it flashing 9.

"Well," she began. "I've got an early start with Rose in the morning."

"Oh, yeah…" said Emmett quickly. "I've kept you too long. I'll let you go now."

"Have a good night," said Bella gently. "I'm sorry I didn't call back."

"This makes up for it," said Emmett. "Thank you for talking."

"Goodnight, Em."

"Goodnight Bell. I love you."

"Love you too."

"Sleep tight."

Bella, glad that she was not expected to answer back, heard the click on his end and gently replaced the phone on its cradle.

She found Rose outside the office door, pacing quietly in the waiting area.

"Did it go okay?" she asked. "I'm sorry to put you on the spot like that… You're usually upstairs when he calls."

"It went okay," said Bella, offering a tense smile. "He was really good about it."

"You look upset," said Rose.

"I'm fine," she sighed. "He just makes it hard."

"He makes what hard?" asked Rose.

"He makes it hard for me to hate him," Bella mumbled, rubbing her eyes. "Part of me wants so badly to hate him, but I can't when he's so sweet and nice, and just… so Emmett."

"Oh honey," said Rose, a sad grimace on her face. She drew Bella in for a hug, which Bella returned with grateful enthusiasm.

Rose's whisper was almost too quiet for Bella to make out.

"That's because you're not supposed to hate him."

A/N: Let me know what you think! You guys have been awfully quiet these past few chapters...