Miles couldn't sleep. Once he had seen Tris enter his house he'd fired up the engine on his car and driven home so quickly he'd wondered how he was still in one piece. In a way he sort of wished that he wasn't because now he couldn't stop thinking about it. After heading straight to bed, he'd tossed and turned for hours and now, as the clock ticked well past midnight he'd given up trying to doze off. Tris had messaged him a couple of hours earlier, thanking him for trusting him enough to invite him to dinner. He hadn't replied.
Lying flat on his back and staring up at the ceiling he looked to the darkness for answers but he couldn't find any. Miles only had one thought racing around his head; he loves me, he loves me, he loves me. He'd heard him say it, he was sure he had. Maybe he was going mad, maybe he'd just imagined it, or maybe it had been a slip of the tongue. Maybe.
What they had wasn't love was it? They hadn't even been together that long. There were still people who didn't even have a clue that they were together. The more Miles thought about it, the more confused he got. The only person he'd ever really felt like he was in love with was Maya and more to the point, she was the only person he'd ever directly told. Tristan was different though, everything felt different with him. He couldn't compare how he felt about Tristan to Maya, not because one was a boy and the other a girl, but because every emotion Tris stirred inside him physically felt different.
He and Maya had never been very consistent, but it had been simple. He'd always known what he was doing, knew what to expect and that made him confident. When they would kiss he knew how it would feel but with Tristan it wasn't like that. It had never been like that. When Tris kissed him sometimes he could feel his heart pounding like crazy, as if it had forgotten how to beat in a rhythm. Occasionally he was pretty sure it stopped beating altogether. When he touched him sometimes heat would spread all the way through him. Other times a gentle brush against his skin made him shiver and tremble. Tris had this ability to make him forget, forget who he was, what was happening and the consequences so that all he could focus on was them, right there in that moment. Miles didn't have any control over his own body when Tris was close. His mouth would go slack, his eyes would flutter shut and his fingernails would dig in, clinging to him without permission. Those things weren't choices that he made, they were just the effects that Tris had on him and he'd given up fighting them a long while ago now.
As he lay there, with his brain whirring, Miles thought back to the night of the storm. That had been the first time everything had just clicked into place. When he'd given Tris permission to kiss him, his heart had been racing. He'd had to take deep breaths, trying to keeping it under control. He'd kissed him so gently and he'd pulled away way quicker than Miles would have liked. Miles had never considered how full his lips would feel on him, or soft they were. He remembered when Tris drew back, keeping his eyes locked on his mouth. Miles hadn't been satisfied, and curiosity had tempted him. He'd blinked up at Tris for a second, to try and gage his reaction, but he stayed frozen still and Miles knew he had to move in if he wanted more. He'd never known until that moment how much more he wanted and when he kissed Tris again, his whole body was humming with electricity and before he knew it his hands were on his hips and he was pushing him back against the wall. He'd never kissed someone like that before, he'd never desired someone so much.
Did that make it love though? The very idea of being in love again scared him. He wasn't sure if he could deal with losing another person that he cared about that much. He hadn't even thought about being in love with Tristan, he'd just been focusing all his energy on making sure that he didn't screw everything up between them. He couldn't lie to himself though, he knew that their connection was so intense and it grew stronger all the time. Recently he'd noticed that all they needed to do these days was look at each other and they knew exactly what the other was trying to communicate. It was like Tristan could see inside his soul and that frightened him. He'd become so used to putting up a front, the idea that someone might be able to see through him shook him up.
I don't think we have any trouble with chemistry.
Miles vividly remembered that morning in the greenhouse. It had been his idea. He'd been on his way to school and all he could think about was Tris. He hadn't been sure whether Tris would follow his request and meet him there, but the second he'd locked eyes on him he couldn't hold back any more. That was still how it felt most of the time for him and Miles was struggling badly to get his self-control back in check. Even now as a selection of moments from their risky encounters and secrets trysts flashed back to his mind he could feel himself throbbing as he grew harder. Alone in his room really wasn't were he wanted to be right now. As terrified as he was of things becoming too serious between them, he couldn't give Tristan up now. He was hooked. It felt like an addiction, the thought of being without him was unbearable, he didn't know how to get through the day without him anymore.
Miles hated being alone. Actually that wasn't true, he hated being lonely. All through his teens he'd always been able to charm girls, and he'd had a different one hanging off his arm whenever he'd felt the inclination. Even though nothing ever really worked out for very long until he'd met Maya, it still consoled him to know that he was wanted. He knew though, that the way Tristan wanted him meant so much more. The little about love that Miles had experienced had been torture. Looking back on it, it hadn't even been a sweet torture. It had just been a slow, destructive, manipulative force that had worn him and Maya down until they had ruined each other. He didn't want to do that to Tristan, it would break his heart to spoil him. He knew how it felt as well, to believe in something and have it taken away from you. To actually give yourself to someone and give them the power to break you. He didn't think he could ever trust anyone that much again, and he didn't want to take that innocence away from Tris. Even though Tristan believed that his and Yates's relationship had been genuine, he must have realised by now that that he had been influenced into thinking that. It didn't compare really. Miles wasn't prepared to let Tris go because of a four letter word that managed to destroy everything in its wake.
'You're a god among men. You can get any girl you want.'
'Until they get to know me, then they run for the hills.'
Miles had hurt so many people around him in the past. He wasn't sure whether he even trusted himself enough to care about someone again. It was just that unfortunately with Tristan so heavily integrated into the equation he didn't really have a choice. Miles felt like his bones were disintegrating when he thought about him decorating his skin with kisses, licking up his neck and mouthing along his jaw. He was burning. Or maybe he was drowning, he didn't really care anymore.
Reaching under the covers he palmed himself through his boxers, grinding into his own hand. He covered his eyes with the crook of his arm, not that he could see anything anyway but it made him feel closed off to the reality of what he was doing. Slowly, he slipped his hand under the material confining him and squeezed his pulsing dick, imagining it was Tristan touching him. It didn't feel the same, but it was just enough. Miles let his mind take over as he jerked himself, picking up the pace as he remembered how it felt to have Tris's body weight on top of him. The pressure pushing against him. He could almost feel Tristan's breath on his ear as he moaned his name, sending jolts through his body. He squeezed his eyes shut as he used his free hand to scratch down his chest so hard he wouldn't be surprised if he left welts that would still be visible in the morning. Tristan wasn't rough with him very often, but when he was Miles experienced a whole different level of ecstasy. His orgasm crept up on him all of a sudden as his jerking became sloppier, he'd been too busy imagining Tris sucking on his hipbones to notice.
If this was a rom-com this is where we'd kiss.
That was exactly what he imagined when his body tensed as he let the waves of his release wash over him. His legs starting shaking and Tristan's name fell from his parted lips like a prayer to a higher power he had no faith in.
As he came down from that momentary high though, he found himself still stuck with the same predicament he'd been pouring over before, except now with the added inconvenience of being covered in the sticky proof of his degrading fantasies. He let it dry, not being able to find the willpower to move. The problem was, they weren't in a rom-com, this was real life and they didn't get to kiss and have a happy ever after. They had already signed up for so much more than that. There was going to be tears, drama, arguments and hopefully so much make up sex.
His brain couldn't take that much more of this. He'd already been involved in one relationship that had gone wrong the second the word 'love' was uttered. He wasn't ready to risk that happening again. Tristan was too important. He didn't know what he was going to do now, he was usually so good at playing the game, but this just felt like Tris was always one step ahead. He felt weak, and it felt like he was losing. He didn't have a clue what his next move was going to be, the only thing he had decided by the time his clocked ticked round to two, was that there was no chance he was going to school tomorrow. He needed longer to think this one through, he needed to be sure he was doing the right thing.
Miles didn't know about love, but as he debated Tristan's revelation all night it did eventually occur to him that he might be falling for him, hard.