Chapter 20
Earlier...
"YEAAAH! EAT HOT LEAD-ER- GRENADES, DRUNKARDS!" Isaac taunted, unloading all 4 grenades into Saxton Hale as he approached Femscout. He didn't even get a SINGLE SCRATCH from the sheer power of the 40mm grenades, he just kept slowly walking to Femscout and her inevitable doom. Or so he thought. Hoisting up the grill, Femscout threw it with both arms at Saxton Hale so hard that it broke in half when it hit his face.
"HAVE AT THEM LADS!" cheered Demoman, who had a black Crusaders-era helmet worn by the Christians, black spiked shoulderguards, a black armorpiece for his chest, a shield-gauntlet on his left arm, and a claymore in his right hand. The Astronaut charged to Demoman, but was forced back when Demoman charged into him and slashed at his visor, shattering it to reveal the Astronaut's face; only two black and red eyes and a horrid mouth full of rows of sharp teeth were visible; the rest of his face was covered by shadows. "Bloody hell!" came Demoman's reply.
Meanwhile, the red Sniper was fumbling for his backup SMG as the sniper with the bloody claymore approached. He found it holstered on his back and sprayed all 25 .45 ACP rounds in his face, but most of them bounced off. Only one made it in his mouth, which he spat out after chewing it. "Time for a little hand-to-hand, eh mate?" he snickered, smiling. Red Sniper picked up his kukri but immediately dodged out of the way as the sniper swung his claymore and obliterated the table that Red Sniper was in front of. "Christian Brutal Sniper, eh? Ya the bloke th' butchers people, ya drunkard?" Christian Brutal Sniper bent his head down, smiling evilly then swung his sword at Red Sniper's right elbow, cleaving it right off. The Blu Medic heard Red Sniper's scream and focused his medigun's beam on Red Sniper, miraculously regenerating his right forearm. "Ya crazy cleavin' cupicustard! I'm gonna piss on ya corpse for that, you well-watered w**ker!"
"Ach, Red Sniper," snapped Blu Medic, "shtop your insults and keel him."
The Red Heavy was engaged in hand to hand combat with the creepy-faced soldier, and so far Read Heavy was winning. "LITTLE, LITTLE MAN!" laughed Red Heavy, taunting him. All of a sudden, the soldier bit into Red Heavy's left hand and tore it off, and said menacingly through Red Heavy's roars of pain,
"I am Painis Cupcake."
The Red Heavy's eyes showed nothing but horror.
"I will eat you."
Punching him out of the way and into a wall, Red Heavy limped over to the Blu Medic and called "DOCTOR!"
"Ya!" responded the Blu Heavy, who was shooting his crossbow at Saxton Hale.
"Charge me!"
The Blu Medic aimed and activated his medigun at Red Heavy and his left hand grew back. He picked up his giant minigun and spinned the barrels, unleashing the metal storm into Saxton Hale. The stopping power of the bullets pushed him back, but he overcame it and slowly walked to the Red Heavy.
"Oh crap." muttered Samus under her breath. The pumpkin headed monster was running around with his axe attempting to decapitate all the mercenaries. "Chief, I think its best if we-"
"Everyone, BACK INSIDE THE BASE! BLUE BASE!" Master Chief commanded as he dual-wielded his assault rifle and pistol, shooting at the pumpkin headed bloke.
"Aw, crap." said Scout, and darted inside Blu base.
"WE NEVER RETREAT!" yelled Blu Soldier as he stood back to back with Red Soldier, firing their shotguns at the slowly approaching threats. WE WILL STAY AND-urk"
The Blu Heavy charged into both of them and tackled them into the Blu Base, followed by both Engineers, Femscout, both Pyros firing their flare guns at the Astronaut's face, both Snipers, and then Demoman and Demopan. "RRAH!" roared the pumpkin headed monster who happened to be hiding near the door's entrance, and he split Demopan's right leg in half with his axe just as he ran inside the base and the tsunami-proof doors rolled down inside all of the base's doors.
"Ach, why does m' leg feel so bloody weird?" Demopan remarked, followed by shocked stares. "And where are ze bloody spies?"
The two spies decloaked, both smoking as usual. "Zis is most unfortunate." remarked the Red Spy. "Zat Australian fool wants vat from us, now?"
"Th' Australium." responded Red Engie. "Why else would he be here?
"See'n' if th' base is up ta par on standards." reasoned Scout. "He's always crazee 'bout base standards n' crap." As the mercenaries bickered over possible reasons, Master Chief slumped down on the walls of the base's interior and visorpalmed.
If I'm getting out of here alive, he thought, I'm gonna, I'm gonna have one hell of a story to tell...
Present Time
"Caboose, may you please help me carry this box?"
Nicole and Caboose were in the ship's library, stuffing a mox full of books and DVDs- mainly anime, some Disney animation movies, and 5 horror movies. Luckily for the two, none of the infected were encountered on the way to the library or at the library itself. Most of the books not splattered with blood and organs were either comic books or manga, which most of the Spartans didn't like. "Do we have enough?" asked Caboose.
"Yeahah, Sarge is gonna be proud! We have everything, the DVD players, books, anime, all sorts of stuff. Most of the anime is from the 21stand 20thcentury, however, so they're on DVDs only. For the books, we have some Harry Potter books, uh, Monkey D. Luffy, printed Fanfiction, cooking books, history textbooks, some math worksheets, and... Lego building manuals?" listed Nicole as she took full inventory of the books and DVDs.
"Nicole, they're here and they don't seem very happy!" Caboose warned as he heard the ventilation shafts ripping open.
"CUT AND RUN!" ordered Nicole, as she ran off holding the box of entertainment. "COVER ME!"
Meanwhile...
Sarge, Soap, Grif, Doc, and Simmons were busy prying the crates open in the hangar. 6 days ago, the Spartans moved out of the hanger where the firefight between the insurrectionists took place to scout for materials. Instead, they stumbled upon the ship's supply hangar, where supplies were dropped off and shipped. Before the Savannah was shot to smithereens by the Covenant warship, its crew had attempted to move out as many of its supplies so the Covenant wouldn't get their hands on them. Neither of them did...
...until now.
"Why don't we make rooms with the crates?" Haruhi suggested to Grif as she pried open a crate with ease. "We can organize everything easier that way."
Grif opened his crate and out came a large pile of Twinkies. "WOOHOO! SCORE!" Grif shouted in success. "Uh, wait what did you say?"
Haruhi picked up a Twinkie, unwrapped it and ate it. When she was finished, she reiterated "I said, why don't we make rooms out of these crates so we can organize everything easier? Like, one room will be the armory, another will be the supply drop, then the library/entertainment room, you know?"
Grif sighed and pried open another crate, and replied "Sounds good- WHAT THE!" he shouted. There was another crate in the crate Grif opened. "It's like one of those freakin' dolls where you open one and there's another one inside it, and then you open that one and there's freaking ANOTHER ONE IN IT!" he whined as he pried open the crate inside the crate to reveal... ANOTHER CRATE. He pried open that one to reveal... rocks? As Grif pulled one out and observed it, he saw that its luster was yellow and shiny, which meant that...
"GOLD! I FOUND GOLD! I'M RICH!" Grif screamed in joy, tossing the golden nuggets everywhere. "WE STRUCK IT RICH! THE BEST GOLD THERE IS!" While Grif was celebrating, Haruhi picked up a golden nugget and observed it, then threw it with all her might at the floor, shattering to millions of pieces.
"Ah, yes, the best iron pyrite there is indeed." concluded Haruhi. "You struck the motherlode... of Fools' Gold. See, unlike gold, iron pyrite breaks when it is smashed. GOLD is softer and would flatten instead." But this was not enough to convince Grif, who was staring in horror at Haruhi. "I'd say this entire "motherlode" is 20 dollars.
Grif's eyes broke from widening in surprise and his jaw nearly fell off his very face. "NONSENSE! HOW MUCH IS THIS WORTH?! OVER $9000!" he declared, trying to ignore the fact that he wasn't rich after all. Haruhi rolled her eyes and continued prying open the crates. "It's... over... 9000... ah f**k it." he groaned in despair, forcefully smashing open the next crate. Out rolled a 30x30 Rubiks cube, colors scrambled. Haruhi observed it and managed to solve 2 sides within 5 minutes, causing Grif's eyes to figuratively explode from widening too much.
"It's the best I can do, but-" Haruhi sighed.
"BUT?!" Grif practically yelled. "I CAN'T EVEN SOLVE A 1X1!"
Doc poked his head out of a pile of crates with a slightly annoyed face behind his visor. "Grif, I'd appreciate it if you stopped yelling. We're obviously trying to survive, and your yelling is poison to our ears." He dove back into the pile and resumed his so far unlucky uncrating session.
"Sounds like the kid's got talent." called Sarge from behind a stacked pyramid of crates.
"She's a teen, get your facts straight, old timer." facepalmed Soap as he pulled a used chamber pot out of a crate. "And why the h*ll do we keep finding completely useless things? We're searching for freakin' grains of sand in an OCEAN! We didn't find any food, water, blankets, weapons or ammunition yet! JUST BLOODY WATER CLOSET POTS!"
There was suddenly an incessant pounding on one of the barricaded doors. Sarge immediately dashed to the door and shouted "NICOLE?!" for confirmation of identity.
"OPEN SESAME!" Nicole pleaded, with the sound of Caboose's pistol going off in the distance. Sarge easily moved the crates aside and Caboose smashed the door open with one good charge, sending Nicole flying into Doc. Caboose helped Sarge push the crates containing heavy machinery back in the way and reinforce it with a fridge and queen-sized bed they uncrated. The sudden noise of an infected screeching and slashing at the crates made Sarge jump a mile.
"Heart attack, indeed." Sarge remarked. Simmons pried open a crate and MRE military food rations poured out, most of them still fresh.
"YES! FOOD and... FREAKING WA *snrk* TER!" Simmons sniffed, about to cry from happiness and new hope. It turned out that luck was on their side after all. Frenzied by hunger, he ripped open a Miso Ramen package and swallowed it whole, then shortly after choked on it. "AKCGGHELPKAHCKGHEGLPH" Simmons choked out, attempting to use the Heimlich Maneuver on himself while his face was turning red underneath his helmet.
"Simon, this is how you do it." Haruhi ran up and landed a powerful kick on Simmon's stomach, which contracted his diaphragm, compressing the air which forced the saliva soaked Ramen noodles smashing out of his mouth and helmet's visor. It landed on the floor with a wet plopand leaving Simmons panting, clutching his stomach and trying to form the words thank you.
"I shouldhhhh hhave knownhhh," Simmons gasped as he greedily sucked in lungfuls of air, "thhhat I nheeded tohhhh soakhh them in watahhh... in ordah... to eat themhhhh..."
Sighing and visorpalming, Haruhi slumped down on a crate and thought,
This is gonna be a loooong trip.
2Fort a few days ago...
Demopan took a hearty swig from his frying pan that was actually a bottle in disguise. For some reason, he was not taking into account his split right shin, blood spewing from the cracks. He was mumbling incoherently and repeatedly, softly hitting the back of his head against the wall. "I'm gonna glue yer arses hic a-s and I'm the grass man punk yeah hic ya havin' heathenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..." he hiccuped unintelligibly, then drifted off to sleep. Red and Blu Spy were fencing with their butterfly knifes and were spewing French insults at each other. The only people doing things... well... worth doing were Master Chief, Samus, Isaac Clarke, both Soldiers, and both Heavies.
"Ok, just who the h-e-double hockey sticks are these blokes? They seem quite mad, and WHY THE F—K ARE THEY TERRORIZING US?!" demanded Isaac, slamming his Plasma Disperser on the makeshift table that they made with spare wooden planks lying inside the Blu base. "I'm ready to sacrifice everything except my dearest to shove this, THIS PLASMA DISPERSER INTO THEIR MOUTHS AND WATCH THEIR BRAINS EXPLODE LIKE CONFETTI!" It was evident his dementia was taking over, due to stress.
Red Soldier cleared his throat and adjusted his kabuto, then spoke slowly, "We do not know who these lame pussycats are, but we WILL KICK THAT AUSTRALIAN OUTTA THIS COUNTRY! He may be Australian, but I AM AMERICAN, AND SO IS BLU SOLDIER!"
"Look," said Master Chief, "we know your patriotism and how much you love America. But please, just give us names."
"Th' Australian guy is coincidentally our boss! His name is Saxton Hale, and DON'T you plan on taking him down yourself!" The Red Soldier cleared his throat once again, and declared "IF FIGHTING IS SURE TO RESULT IN VICTORY-"
"-then you must fight, we know." answered Samus.
"MOVING ON!" shouted Blu Soldier, who was now donning a Cat in the Hat hat. "Now, the pumpkin headed, ace-wielding maniac is infamously known as THE HORSELESS HEADLESS HEADMANN... JUNIOR! Next up, we have shudders the former Red Soldier who defected due to his dementia, Painis... Cupcake."
"Why Painis Cupcake?" Samus giggled, trying to hold back a laugh.
"We do not know, private. His dementia gave him a liking for painises... and cupcakes." shuddered Blu Soldier, hand firmly clasping his blue ice axe, which also worked well for penetrating undead skulls instead of cutting hard ice. "But... the ENGINEER... we call him... he was the Red Engineer's twin who was the unfortunate lab rat of the Red Medic. The Red Medic, something went terribly wrong in an attempt to... do something... and now he is horribly disfigured physically... and mentally... he talks backwards... and he'll-"
"Wait, THAT Blu Engineer?!" Isaac's pupils shrunk, and his skin turned ice white beneath his RIG's armor and bodysuit. "So did Red Engineer's father have to replace his son... to fight against his other son?"
"Darn right." called the Blu Engineer from his conversation with both Scouts. "T'was a terrible time."
"The last two guys... we call them the Astronaut and Brutal Brian." informed the Red Soldier. "The Astronaut, we seriously have no idea who he is, if he even is a he or a she, and if it is even a human or a robot... or just some unknown entity. I don't know if he is the g-dda-n Neil Armstrong or what, but it sure has an interest in space and the moon. Whereas Brutal Brian... he used to be a former Red Sniper, but he was tortured killed by Blu Soldier-"
"-..." Samus, Isaac Clarke, and Master Chief slowly glanced at Blu Soldier, who was uncontrollably sweating and tried to look brave, but it was evident. He was guilty.
"-but SOMEHOW, he rose from the dead."
Isaac Clarke slammed his palms on the table. "YOU SH-TTIN' ME?"
"Private, stand down." said the Blu Soldier calmly.
"STAND DOWN?!" Isaac Clarke yelled. "HOW CAN I STAND DOWN WHEN THINGS ARE BEING MESSED UP?! YOU SAW THE SPACETIME RUPTURES, AND NOW LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENING! SOONER OR LATER, OUR SH-T WILL BE F—KED UP, THANKS TO WHOEVER'S BEHIND THIS! WE CANNOT STAND DOWN! WE MUST STAND UP AND FIGHT! FOR-" Isaac got the wind knocked out of him by a powerful knee to the stomach by Red Soldier, and was finished off by Blu Soldier's fist to the face.
"Good idea, son." admitted Red Soldier. "We just don't need mentally insane in our team."
Isaac Clarke groaned and hugged his stomach in pain. Just then, Samus realized something terrible.
"WHERE'S STEVE?" Samus cried.
Where Steve is...
He's out of ammo! Steve thought, and fist pumped in success. He remembered he brought his musket along...
AND HE ONLY HAD ONE SHOT IN IT.
Darn it, Steve thought. I only have one shot at this. He pulled the hammer back, jumped out of his cover... and was immediately kicked in the stomach by the o.W.n. Heavy in the stomach. "LITTLE, LITTLE MAN!" taunted the Heavy, who prepared to snap his back. "PREPARE FOR COWARD KILLING TIME!"
"Not today." Steve chuckled. He swing his musket up so the barrel rested under the Heavy's chin and fired. The results were rather lurid in nature, due to the head flying off and hitting the tank. "Now, if you'll excuse me..." he thanked, stepping over his headless corpse and dashing to the nearest entry to the underground facility, as he had learned from the Announcer's journal. Why was the base built underground? That's a stupid idea. Thought Steve. What if the dam floods and the water flows into the base? They're as good as-
As he opened the door, an o.W.n. Scout was resting a bloodstained bat on his shoulder.
Dead.
"BATTA SWING!"