Chapter 20

"Just Ride It Out"

Bella's POV

I knew before I opened my eyes that it was going to be a bad day. The weight on my chest, the itch running through my veins; it all told me that today would be a horrible day. This day was once a day for celebration, but now it was marked as another year that my child would forever be frozen in time.

February 14th.

If the world wasn't unfair, if my life wasn't a complete mess, and if I hadn't been such a horrible person- Ethan would be turning five today. I would be going into his room and waking him up with a big smile on my face, but instead I wake up knowing that he will never get older, he will never live, because he is gone. I dreamed about him all night, about his round little face filling out and his short stance growing taller. His hair growing longer and his voice getting deeper.

Waking up with the knowledge that it was just a dream was like reliving his death all over again. I didn't want to wake and face reality, but it was obvious I had no choice.

Lying in bed was no longer an option as my stomach rolled and heaved; I had to make a run for the bathroom. I made it to the cold porcelain just in time to empty my stomachs contents. My throat burned from the bile that was nothing more than acid. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and stood clinging to the sink. My heart rate was increased, sweat dripped down my brow, and I knew what the little voice was telling me. It was telling me that I couldn't handle this, that I needed powder courage, and that it was the only way to get through the day. But I would resist, because not once had I ever gotten high on EJ's birthday and today was no different. Plus I had fought against my demons long and hard, I could not give into them now.

Before today I felt like I was healing, like I might just be able to wake up everyday and live life. That being with Edward was giving me a foundation to be happy, but today happiness didn't seem even close to plausible. I washed my hands and face before emerging from the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to head downstairs just yet as I hovered outside of EJ's room. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath I opened the door. The room no longer smelled like baby powder and Ethan. It now smelt like dust and staminate air, further proving to me and my senses that he was gone.

I pulled the blue photo album from the shelf above the changing table and sat down in the overstuffed chair. I took deep calming breaths as I ran my fingers over the cover. I could not bring myself to open it, but the tears were already streaming from my eyes. I knew that if I opened it I would most likely end up a mess on the floor. I swallowed down the next round of bile that tried to assault me and it stung my dry throat.

I scratched at my arms even though there was no real reason that they should itch, my other hand pushed on my chest as if that would help the ache that resided there. I closed my eyes as if that would make my son suddenly appear before me.

A loud commotion from downstairs startled me, and I quickly jumped up out of the chair. I looked out the window to gage what time it was, but it was too cloudy too tell. Startled and wondering what the hell the commotion was I quickly made my way downstairs. The living room was empty, but I could hear voices coming from the kitchen. As I rounded the corner I did a double take as I took in the sight in front of me.

Edward was on his hands and knees wiping up what appeared to be egg yolk. Jacob was shoving pots back into the bottom cabinet and Charlie sat at the kitchen table watching with amusement. My presence did not go unnoticed as they all turned to look at me. I saw the same emotion in all their eyes apprehension; it was no secret as to what today was and what it meant to my emotional state. It appeared that they were taking on a role that my mother usually would and were making my breakfast. I fought back the next round of emotion that tried to hit me as I thought of my mother. This was the first February 14th without her, everyday for the next year would be a first without her. I took a deep breath and shook those thoughts away I couldn't add my grieving for my mother to my grieving for my son. Edward, Jacob, and Charlie all watched me closely as if I was about to shatter into a million little pieces.

I gave them the best smile that I could to assure them that I was fine, but I think it turned out to be more of a grimace and I didn't foul anyone. Edward got up from the floor wiping his hands off and made his way to me. He walked slowly with his hands out as if I was a rabid animal and he wasn't sure if I would attack or not. I really didn't like to be touched, especiallyxz today of all days, because it usually made me more emotional, but with the love reflecting in his eyes I couldn't deny him a hug. He pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around me. I laid my head on his chest and let out a heavy sigh, I couldn't hug him back since I was still clinging to the album, but I leaned against him content. I could hear his heartbeat and it soothed me, hugging Edward was different than hugging anyone else. It was like we were connected and with the slightest contact he could read my emotions and sooth me.

No matter how powerful Edward was I knew that today he wouldn't be able to numb the pain, he would only be able to be there for me and I wouldn't send him away. Having him with me meant more then he could ever know. I felt his breath in my hair and then felt the slight pressure of his lips on my head; I felt the tears brew in my eyes. His touch was so tender and so loving; I didn't feel like I deserved it. I didn't deserve to be loved by him or anyone else. I took a step away from him and he released me hesitantly, I couldn't meet his jade eyes, it was too much. In my quest to avoid Edward's gaze I found Jacob's, he was hovering in the corner shifting from one foot to the other. We hadn't spoken since he left Jasper and Alice's house after Edward fought Demetri, it was the longest in years that we had been apart.

I felt a tug at my heart strings as I watched my best friend and the man that was the only father my son ever knew nervously hover around me. I sighed and made my way over to him and stood in front of him, he looked down at me with his puppy dog eyes and spoke from his heart.

"I am so sorry Bells. I was a mess and I was wrong, please say you can forgive me. I know I was a rotten friend and I said some horrible things, but I am man enough to admit that I was wrong. I was…" He paused taking a deep breath. "Jealous. I just saw my best friend slipping away and falling into another man's arms. It was a horrible feeling and I didn't know how to handle it, but I promise you it won't happen again."

I swallowed hard knowing that I could never go without forgiving my Jacob, he had brought me through too many things, and he had saved me too many times.

"I already forgave you, but I think you should apologize to Edward also." My voice was low, but I knew my father and Edward both could hear me clearly. Jacob glanced over my head and smirked, I almost thought he was going to say something snaky, but when he looked back down at me I could see that it was more of a happy smirk rather than a harmful.

"Already done and he said he would forgive me as long as you did, so it looks like I am forgiven." Jacob smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. I knew that this day was just as hard for him as it was for me. "Here happy fake card invented holiday best friend." Jacob pulled out a small box of conversations hearts and gave them to me. I gave him my best smile, this was a tradition of ours, and Jake had bought me conversations hearts every Valentines day for the past fifteen years.

"Thanks." I mumbled taking them and then turning away from him.

I kissed the top of my fathers head as I walked passed him. I gave Edward a quick peek on the cheek as I headed out of the kitchen. No one asked me where I was going or what I was doing, they just let me go and I was thankful for that.

I went back up to Ethan's room and snuggled up in the chair, I didn't open the album I just sat staring at the cover and daydreaming about his beautiful little smile. I didn't acknowledge that I was crying, but I knew I was, because I always cried.

I couldn't honestly tell you how long I sat in the chair, because I was lost in my mind and in the ache in my heart. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks and the sobs rocking my body, but I couldn't bring myself to calm down or stop thinking about Ethan. I wanted so badly to open up the album, but I was terrified that my heart would rip me in two and I would die a painful death. The fact that I was scared of dying told me that I once again had something to live for and I knew that that something was actually someone.

As if he could read my mind or better yet my soul Edward appeared in the doorway and watched me with concern. I stared at him and knew that I had done it again; I had warped my future with someone else's and wouldn't be able to survive without them. I did it with Ethan and barely survived losing him, now I had done it with Edward and knew if I ever lost him there was no way I would survive.

"Can I join you?" Edward asked quietly as he hovered in the doorway. I nodded not trusting my voice; he made his way over to me and kneeled down in front of me so that we were eye level with each other. He didn't have to speak I could see it all in his eyes; he had intertwined his life and future in with mine also. It made my heart leap with hope and longing, but the pain quickly calmed all that down.

I scooted over so that Edward could join me on the oversized chair, he pulled me into his lap once he was seated and we sat quietly that way for a long while. I was still distraught and hurting, but something about Edward's presence told me that I would be alright, that the pain wouldn't kill me. I looked up at him and saw that he wasn't looking at me, I followed his gaze and my eyes landed on the photos that lined the wall. He was examining them closely in the light of the room. I knew he had seen this room the last time he found me in here, but it had been dark then. It took this for me to realize that I had never shared any pictures with Edward, I hadn't shared very much of Ethan with him at all and I felt bad for that. I let out a heavy sigh as I held the album in my lap; it was an album of firsts that I had scrap booked together for Ethan.

I felt Edward tense under me for a moment and then he started rubbing soothing circles on my back and I knew that he knew how difficult this was for me. Closing my eyes I opened the album to the first page.

Edward's POV

The morning of February 14th I made sure my mother had plans with Alice so that she wouldn't be alone with Jasper across seas before I headed over to Bella's. I wasn't sure what to expect out of the day, but I knew it would be emotional. Jacob was there when I arrived and I was surprised to see him since the sky hadn't even lightened up. Charlie and Jacob were in the living room silently staring at the television screen, I could see the anxiety written all over their features, it was left unsaid that they were making sure they were up before Bella. Jacob and I worked out our differences and I told him I could forgive him as long as Bella could and soon we were in the kitchen trying to cook her some breakfast. Jacob claimed to know how to cook, but I quickly realized that wasn't necessarily true.

We ended up causing a lot of noise and a major mess that we thought had woken Bella, but I could tell when she came into the kitchen and had the album clinging to her chest that she had been awake for awhile. I hated that she had been alone even for a moment, but I knew that it was probably the way she wanted it. She didn't spend more then five minutes in the kitchen before she retreated upstairs and we gave up on breakfast since it was obvious that she had no desire to eat.

I felt useless and heartbroken, I didn't know what to do for her, but I knew that I had to do something. I couldn't just sit around while the women I loved was in so much pain, I knew there was no way to take it away, but I hoped I could ease it.

"She likes to be alone until we all head to the cemetery." Jake told me as I stood up to go up and check on my love; I narrowed my eyes at him, because in all honesty who was he to think that he knew more about my Bella than me. Though on this day perhaps he did, because he had spent it with her every year. I was about to sit down when Charlie spoke up.

"Go on up Edward she has been alone enough and I think that if their was anyone she would want to be with it would be you. It is time for change."

I agreed with Charlie it was time for a change, Bella needed to grieve and heal. She had never properly grieved and tried to move forward, Ethan's room was proof of that. It still looked like a child lived in the house and I'm not a professional, but even I am aware that that isn't healing.

I sat holding Bella wishing I could take her pain away and heal her with my touch, when she opened the album. I had just been staring at the picture of her and Ethan on his second birthday wondering what it was like to have a child, what it was like to be father? I tensed sensing her stress and anxiety, but as I took in the photos before me I relaxed. I was staring at the most magical thing I had ever seen in my life.

Bella lying on a bed looking exhausted with a naked baby laid up on her belly umbilical cord still attached. The look in Bella's eye was pure heaven. She looked whole and completely infatuated. The look in her eye in that photo was much different then the other ones, it is obvious that it one was taken before they took Ethan away and then brought him back with troubling news. In the other photos Bella looked distraught and mournful, Charlie, Renee, and Jacob were also in a few of the pictures and they all had the same mournful look on their faces. It was obvious that they held no hope that Ethan would survive.

As Bella flipped through the pages I could see Ethan growing, I could see a slight glimmer of hope making its way into the eyes of his family, with the exception of Bella. She looked happy and loved, but there was this edge to her, it could be seen in her eyes. She was waiting and anticipating the day that would rip her apart. Ethan was a beautiful little boy all smiles and in the pictures he appeared to be the picture of health, other than the paleness to his skin. He was also very skinny, but nothing about him looked terribly ill. There was on photo that stood out the most to me and I longed to have a copy of it. Bella was in a white dress and Ethan was wearing kaki pants with a blue stripped shirt, the sun was shinning putting the glow of a red tint in both Ethan's and Bella's hair; Bella was holding Ethan up in the air above her head and they were staring into each others eyes, it was a emotion captured in a photo. You could see the love, devotion, and life reflecting between their matching brown eyes.

I felt a tear run down my cheek as I stared at it, I couldn't pull my eyes away and I was glad Bella didn't flip the page. She pointed at the picture that I was already staring at and sighed running her finger of Ethan's face, it shattered my heart.

"That day was a great day, one of the best." Her voice broke and it sliced at me.

"Tell me about it?" The words fell roughly from my lips before I could stop them, Bella tensed in my lap and I was about to tell her not to worry about it, but her eyes meet mine stopping all train of thought. She had tears running down her cheeks and I felt one slip from my eyes, she saw it and wiped it away, then turned back to the photo.

"It was Ethan's second Easter; he was one year and two months old. My mother bought five dozen eggs." Bella chuckled thinking back and even though it was a sad laugh it warmed my heart. "The only kid to hunt the eggs was Ethan, but she wanted to make sure he had plenty to find. We did all the holidays over the top in fear that it would be his only and last. We went to the beach since the sun was out and my dad even dressed up like the Easter Bunny, which Ethan was terrified of. We put all five dozen eggs in the sand and pebbles a ways up from the water and let Ethan go crazy gathering them up. I watched from this old dried up driftwood log and I can remember the sun coming down on him and lighting up his face. He held up every egg he found to me before he would put it in his basket. He was so proud of himself and I just sat there watching, because it was almost like he was a normal one year old. I felt like a normal parent watching their baby Easter egg hunt. Once he and Jake gathered all the eggs up he ran up to me and held out a pink one and said: "mama loves pink, it for mama." Bella paused as a sob rocked through her and she didn't have to continue I could see what happened next in the picture, she let herself hope and be happy for the day. It was like she said a great day.

We finished the album and Bella got ready and we headed to the cemetery, she carried a stuffed rabbit along with her, clinging to it the whole way. I checked my pocket to make sure I still had both Bella's and Ethan's gifts with me, I knew that Bella most likely wouldn't want to celebrate Valentine's day, but I couldn't help myself. I had found the perfect gift while I was being dragged shopping with Alice and I just couldn't leave the mall without it. I felt a little better when I saw Jacob give her the candy box earlier in the day, but my gift was a bit more expensive and I was worried about how she would react to it.

Charlie, Jacob, Bella, and I made our way to Ethan's graveside together. Bella held my hand tightly and I rubbed it with what I hoped were soothing circles as we stood silently before the tiny grave. Tears fell freely from Bella's eyes and I wanted so badly to kiss them all away, but I resisted. Charlie and Jacob both wore similar expressions to Bella's minus the tears and I am sure Renee had a lot to do with the added emotions this year. She was missing from their family, but I hoped that I filled some void for them all, even Jacob. I wanted to be a part of their family and I wanted to weather the storms along the way, I wanted to be their lifeboat and keep them all above water.

Silently Charlie left the graveside first and then Jake. As I stood alone with Bella I knew that she would want a moment to herself so I pulled out the little black box that was in my pocket I handed it to her. She took it hesitantly and when our eyes meet I could see the confusion through her tear filled brown eyes. I released her hand and nodded for her to open it. I watched her face intently as she opened the box and peered inside.

"One is for you and the other is for Ethan." I explained as she pulled out the two Swallow necklaces, you see I had gotten a glimpse of Bella's tattoos and noticed one was of two Swallow's; what appeared to be a mommy and a baby. Ethan's initials were above it so I knew that it was for him and when I saw the necklaces I couldn't resist getting them for Bella and Ethan. One had a Swallow about the size of a half dollar and the other was about the size of a quarter. Bella stared at them and I saw more tears form in her eyes, I told her to turn them over.

On the backside of Bella's Ethan's initials were engraved along with the phrase "Always on my mind, forever in my heart." On the backside of Ethan's it said "With the wings of an angel I watch over you."

Bella sobbed into my chest and I held her tight brushing her hair back and hoping that I hadn't made a mistake with the necklaces, but when I heard her whisper those three little words I knew I didn't.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Bella." I told her as I kissed the top of her head and then I added the words that I had been thinking since the moment I told her I loved her. "Forever."

Bella dug a small hole at the corner of Ethan's grave just below the tombstone and placed his necklace in the black box and buried it. She kissed two fingers and placed them on the dirt that now held his gift from me.

I stood a little longer with Bella until she asked for a moment alone and then I reluctantly left her side. I felt like I was being ripped in half as I left her alone to grieve on her son's day of birth, but it was what she wanted. I joined Charlie and Jacob back at the car and none of us spoke, we just watched as Bella sat down on the damp ground. Her back was to us, but I could see the sobs rocking her tiny body from where I stood. I took a step forward to go to her, but Charlie held me back.

"Let her have a moment, it is good you want to comfort her, but she needs a minute." Charlie's words weren't meant to be cruel or controlling, they were just the truth. I knew he was right, but it was so hard to watch the woman I loved suffering alone. I took deep breaths trying my damnedest to stay in control and not run to her.

After what felt like a century Bella stood and with a kiss to the top of the tomb she turned and made her way back over to us. I made my way to her quickly and meet her halfway, she gave me a half smile and then buried her face into my side when I wrapped my arm around her waist. My heart ached for her, because our hearts were one. When Bella was happy, I was. When Bella was distraught, so was I. When Bella was heartbroken, I was right there with her. She was my everything, my entire world, she was my life.

**March 13th**

Edward's POV

I heard the click of a door and sat up in Bella's bed, I spent the night holding her close to me. I knew that today would be the hardest day since Ethan's birthday, for today was the anniversary of his death. I wasn't sure what to expect, because Charlie and Jacob told me that they had never seen Bella on this day over the past three years. She always disappeared, Jacob said he would be able to catch up with her at the cemetery, but she would run off as soon as she was aware of his presence. I prayed that today Bella wouldn't want to be alone, I prayed that she would let me stay with her, but as I rose out of the bed I realized that I wasn't going to get what I wanted.

My arms were empty and the room was deserted, I could feel panic rising in my chest and I wanted to scream for her. I wanted her to be here and not off by herself. I trusted Bella, but today would be hard and with her mother's death I worried that she might fall back into old habits that she had abandoned long ago. I hoped that our love was strong enough to steer her away from that, that she had more value on life now than she did then, but I couldn't be sure.

I swung the purple comforter off of me and got out of the bed. The door was shut so I pushed it open slowly, I made my way out the door, Ethan's door was shut and I wondered if Bella was inside. I leaned my ear against the door trying to figure out if I could hear her or not.

"She's not in there." I nearly jumped out of my skin at Jacob's voice; he was leaning against the wall at the top of the stairs. He looked amused.

"Where is she?" I hated having to ask him, I wanted to know where my Bella was and not have to ask Jacob of all people. Things had changed with him; it was like he was moving on, but I still felt the need to mark my territory when it came to Bella. The last month or so he wasn't giving Bella those looks of longing and he didn't have the jealousy rage thing going on. I figured it had something to do with a girl I had seen him with one day; I think her name was Leah. It made it a little easier for him to be around, but I still got the feeling that if I messed up a tiny bit he would swoop in and try to steal her away.

"Cemetery." His voice was softer and his eyes held a sadness that I recognized. I couldn't believe that Bella was already gone to the cemetery it was barely six in the morning. As if Jacob could hear my thoughts he started answering my question. "It was four A.M. when he passed away; I think she is always at the cemetery at that time on this day."

"Oh." I nodded trying to fight off the worry that wanted to take over me. I didn't know what condition Bella was in and I didn't know exactly where she was or what she was doing? If she needed me or not? This indescribable fear tries to take over me when she isn't within arms length and no matter how hard I try I can't let myself calm down until I am sure she is safe. I feel like a crazy person and it only gave me a glimpse of what it must have felt like for Bella to have a child and a mother given death sentences. Waking up everyday knowing that it could be their last. I prayed that I would never have to see Bella's last day, but if one of us had to go first it would need to be me, because I knew Bella nor deserved or could handle that pain again.

"So what were you doing up here?" I asked Jacob after a moment of silence was shared between us.

"I was coming up to grab Charlie's fishing stuff; he and my dad are about to head out." I nodded at his answer and slipped into the bathroom to relieve myself, then went down and sat at the table with Billy, Jacob, and Charlie.

Billy talked about where the fish were biting lately and about new bait that he was trying. I zoned out as I stared out the window watching for Bella, I wanted to go and get her or find her, but knew better. I had to give her a little distance or I was going to push her away.

At least that is what Alice told me. Alice was holding up well with Jasper's absence, but I knew she felt like there was a piece of her missing and she was trying to fill that piece through everyone else. She had taken Bella on a few shopping trips and even gave me endless amounts of relationship advice. I think the best thing that could have happened was that my mom and Rose took her away for a weekend spa getaway. They wanted Bella to join, but this weekend was too emotional and significant for her to run off to Seattle.

I heard Bella's car before I saw it through the kitchen window and it was like a breath of fresh air that I could see blowing towards me. I held my breath waiting for her to come into the house, waiting to see how she was. As I glanced around the kitchen I realized that the other three men in the room were doing the same thing. All four of us stared at the entry way to the kitchen, I heard the front door open and close, and it felt like everything was in slow motion. I knew that today was going to possibly be the worst day I had ever experienced with Bella, but as she rounded the corner my brain couldn't comprehend what was going on.

I could see the streaks on her face from crying and her eyes were red, these two things were no surprise. What shocked the shit out of me was the fact that she smiled at us and then headed over to the fridge. She pulled out what appeared to be a waffle iron and then ingredients to make what I assumed was waffles. All four of us sat completely still and silent as we watched her pour, mix, and stir. It was the most surreal thing and I wondered for a moment if I was in the twilight zone or something. As she poured some batter into the waffle iron and closed it she turned and looked at us for the first time since she walked through the entry way.

"So Billy how are the fish biting these days?" Bella asked casually and we all turned to look at Billy. It was the most natural thing, but shocking coming from her. Especially today. It took Billy a moment to gather himself and pick his jaw up off the floor.

"Umm. I was just telling your old man that they are really biting up near Bear Creek." When he finished speaking we all turned back to Bella, she smiled at him.

"Is that where you two are headed this morning?"

"Yeah we thought we might hit the trail." Billy answered as if it was some sort of trick question.

Bella smiled sweetly and answered before turning back to the waffle iron.

"Well you two be carefully I don't want you fighting any irritable grizzlies up there."

When her back was turned we all four looked at each other in shock.

"What the hell?" Jacob mouthed looking confused. I shrugged and glanced back over at my girl, she was acting awfully strange. I wondered for a moment if she had gotten high or drunk, but then mentally slapped myself for even thinking that.

"Bella?" Charlie question as Bella took the first waffle off the iron and put more batter in.

"Yeah dad?" She kept her back to him as she buttered the first waffle.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine." She answered and it was almost believable, but I caught onto one thing and that was her hands, they were shaking slightly and she clinched the counter top to get them to stop. I realized that one of two things were happing either Bella was pretending or she was trying really hard to be fine, but I knew that if she held back and held it in, it would eventually come out. She would be like a volcano when she finally exploded.

The kitchen became silent and I could practically hear the thoughts of the other three men, but my eyes were on Bella. I got up from my spot without even thinking and made my way over to her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and leaned down kissing her check. I did all this without thinking about it, it just came natural. She tensed up at first, but then relaxed completely into me. I held her tight as she took another waffle off and poured more batter in.

Ten minutes later we sat down at the table and I ate the best waffles of my life. I watched Bella closely though and she seemed to be holding together alright, but I was afraid she was pretending. Charlie and Billy left a little bit later and I could see Charlie pleading with me through his brown eyes that matched Bella's, to take care of her. Jacob and Bella shared a few words and then he also left. I stood in the living room with Bella, our arms wrapped around each other. I could smell her all around me and it was an intoxicating scent. I could also smell the rain in her hair and the outdoorsy smell from the cemetery. She sighed into my chest and I got the feeling that she was enjoying my smell as well. We were a strange pair, but I believed we were made for one another.

"Edward would you go with me to the cemetery?" Her voice was low, but I managed to hear her and I didn't even have to think about it.

"Of course my love."

Bella was quiet all the way to the cemetery, but I could tell that something was on her mind. I could sense that their was something she was dying to share with me, but couldn't find the words or was too afraid to speak out loud. I waited patiently for her and like usually my Bella delivered.

"If I tell you something do you promise not to think I am crazy? I mean crazier then you already think I am." She sighed as she kept rambling I stopped her by squeezing her hand.

"Love, you can tell me anything and I won't think anything negative of you." I promised her and she nodded as she collected her thoughts.

"Umm this is the first time I have been sober on this day. I mean last year I had cleaned up, but I relapsed." I rubbed soothing circles on her hand as she admitted her faults, but a part of me was nervous that perhaps that had happened again. "Anyway, I went and visited EJ like usually, only I was sober this time and well." She stopped there and I was suddenly feeling rather intense with dread, she was scaring me.

"I am listening." I assured her and she finally spit the words out.

"When I was high I would hear EJ's voice and well today I was sober and I still heard it. He spoke to me and it was so clear and his words were so powerful and I just feel this hope that I didn't feel before. I can't explain it, but I had to tell someone and you're the only someone I really wanted to tell. I just don't want you to think I am crazy for hearing voices." She was nervous I could tell by the way she rambled and the way her cheeks lit up like a red delicious apple. I pulled into the cemetery and put the car in park, I waited for her eyes to meet mine. I reached over and caressed her apple cheek.

"Bella I could never think that you are crazy. I love you so much. What did Ethan tell you?" She smiled at me and then shook her head.

"He told me lots of stuff."

She didn't add anymore to that and I didn't push for more. I took her hand in mine and we walked to the small grave once again. We had been here together twice since Ethan's birthday and I have to say that it doesn't get easier. Seeing his small grave and staring at the tombstone with the woman I love's child's name on it is hard to bare, but I would bare it for her any day. Bella fingered the necklace that I gave her for Valentine's Day and I could see her staring at Ethan's. With Bella's permission I had Ethan's necklace placed in his tombstone. I had a hole drilled in it and then positioned the Swallow in it so that it spun in the wind and you could see the front and back of it by turning it. Bella loved it and I was happy that she let me do that for her.

Bella's calm melted away as she stared down at the resting place of her only child, she couldn't pretend or hold anything back. I held her while she cried and she held me tight not letting me leave her alone. She wanted me there while she whispered the words that ached in her heart and soul. I listened to her tell Ethan how much she missed him and how she wished he was here. I could feel something coming, something building, it was like the atmosphere was shifting and at first it scared me, but I could tell as the sky opened up and the sun peeked out that it was a pleasant thing. Not a nightmare.

Then it hit with her words and my heart break, soared, and melted all in one.

"I am going to try and be happy just as you wanted me to be. Mommy loves you and always will. Always on my mind and forever in my heart."

I felt a single tear roll down my face as I realized that Bella was moving forward, she was trying to heal. The shift in the atmosphere was her taking that step forward and she did it in my arms. I held her tighter letting her know that I was here with her and I would be there for her no matter what. Bella and I were going to be okay and we were going to be together.

We made it through the two days that were the hardest of the year for her and I knew that our love had a lot to do with that. In that moment I was certain that we could survive anything.

Bella did just what she told Ethan she was going to do, she tried to be happy.

Outtakes for Bella's life before Edward have been posted and I have more to post. Click link to read them. If the link below doesn't work I also have it on my profile page, I am going to post some more here in a bit.

http://siouttakes(DOT)blogspot(DOT)com/?zx=cac73e3c3fbc21c6

Oh & Bella's tattoo is found here

http://aboutlauralu(DOT)blogspot(DOT)com/