-Trigger Warning for self harm and suicide-
Well guys, I cried while writing this chapter. Here it goes.
"Hey Laf? You in there?" Herc knocked on the door. "I made breakfast."
"Go away."
"Laf? Laf, hun, what's wrong? Please come out."
Laf shyly emerged from his room, not making eye contact with Herc.
"Love? Is something wrong?"
"Do you remember anything from last night?"
"Yeah," Herc replied, confused. "We had everyone over, we had the cake, I took dares from Peggy and John, then everyone went home, and then…" He drifted off, trying to remember.
"You don't remember anything else?" Laf glanced up at Herc, giving him a view of the cut on his face.
"Where'd you get that fr-oh...OH." Herc realized in horror. "I-I…"
"So you do remember?"
"I-I swear, I didn't know what I was doing, I-I thought it was a dream…" Herc stuttered out.
"A dream?"
"Yeah…"
"You said dream." Laf said quietly.
"Yeah, is there something wrong with that?" Herc asked.
"You didn't say nightmare, you didn't even say a bad dream...you said a dream. A dream is good things, something that you enjoy. Is that what you want?" Laf cried, his voice rising in volume. "To be able to hurt me? To see me in pain and to ignore me when I ask you to stop? To-to...to try to do things with me without my consent?" He choked out between sobs.
"Laf, no, that's not what I want…" Herc replied, putting his hand on Laf's shoulder.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Laf screamed, pushing Herc away from him, a fearful look in his eyes.
Herc put his hands up, looking sadly at Herc. "I don't want to hurt you, Laf." He replied, his eyes wetting. "I never wanted to hurt you."
"What was that last night, then?" Laf yelled, his fear and anger unleashed.
"I-I don't know...but I'm sorry. Please Laf. Please forgive me."
Laf was shaking. "You're asking me to forgive you?"
"Yes?" Herc replied, more a question than an answer. "Please?"
Laf sighed and looked down, trying to relax.
"You don't hate me, do you?"
Laf was quiet for a few moments, then sighed again. "No, I don't hate you. You were drunk and your judgement was clouded. But I don't think I can forgive you yet. It's not your fault, it's mine. If I were to forgive you now, I'm still going to be scared, and that's not fair to you." Laf looked up at Herc. "I'm sorry...I'll forgive you eventually, but now's not the time."
Herc nodded in understanding. "I get it. I hate myself for hurting you."
"No. Do not say that." Laf managed to say. "Do not hate yourself."
"But-"
"Shh." Laf said, cutting him off. "I've got to get to class. Bye." He looked down and walked out the door.
Herc stared at the door blankly after Laf had left. I can't believe that I hurt him. Why would I? What made me hurt him?
"Herc doesn't have classes today, does he?" John asked Alex. The two of them didn't have any classes that day, and John was curled up to Alex on the couch, doing some light sketching while Alex worked on his essay.
"No, I don't think so." Alex shook his head. "Why?"
"He won't have to worry about missing any of his classes because of a hangover." John snickered.
Alex grinned. "That's true. Geez, he had-what, eight shots? Yeah, I don't think he'll be doing too good."
"Yeah, I'm surprised he handled it so well, that stuff's strong." John replied. "Do you think we should check on him? Laf's at classes until late, right? He'll be alone most of the day."
"I suppose we should." Alex replied, setting down his computer, albeit reluctantly.
John knocked on the door. "Herc? Hey, you in there?" No answer. "Herc?"
"Dude, just go in."
"Are you remembering what happened the last time we tried to do that?"
"He could be passed out! It's not good to let someone be passed out, especially if they're drunk! What if he's dying?" Alex exclaimed as they heard a shout from inside the room.
"Well, he's not passed out…"
"John, just open the damn door!"
John shoved the door open. "Herc?" He stepped into the dorm, Alex right behind him.
The lights in both the kitchen and living room were turned off. They heard another yell, the sound coming from Herc's room.
The two of them exchanged worried glances and rushed into the room.
"Herc, what the-?" Alex exclaimed as he stopped in his tracks, gaping in horror.
Herc was sitting on the floor, breathing shallowly as he stared at his arms, each with long, jagged cuts that were leaking blood.
"John, call the ambulance!" Alex said, rushing into the bathroom and digging through the drawers until he found two thick rolls of gauze. He ran back into the room and began wrapping the bandages tightly around Herc's arms.
"Don't help me."
"Herc, I'm going to help you."
Herc wanted to argue, but was too weak from blood loss to fight back.
John entered the room. "The ambulance is on their way. Anything else you need me to do?"
"If you haven't already, call Laf."
"No, don't call him! I deserve to die alone!"
"Herc, what are you talking about? Laf loves you, I don't even know why you'd do this." Alex finished up with the bandages, but the blood was already seeping through the gauze. "Dammit!"
"I made him scared of me...I don't deserve him…"
"What could you possibly have done to make him scared of you?"
"I...I hurt him…"
"What? Why?"
"Because I was drunk from all those shots yesterday…"
"Herc, Laf will forgive you. He's very forgiving."
"Not for this. What I did is unforgivable…" Alex realized Herc was crying. "I lost him...I lost him and he won't come back to me…"
"Shh...Herc, you should know Laf always will come back. No matter how many arguments, or anything else, he'll come back."
Herc shook his head. "N-not after this…"
John rushed into the room. "The ambulance is on their way, they should be here soon. I called Laf too, he's leaving class right now."
"See? Laf still cares about you." Alex said gently.
"No...no, I don't deserve him. He's too good for me!"
"Hey, calm down, Herc." John said. "Laf and you are perfect together. You bring out the best in each other."
Herc shook his head, refusing to listen to his friends. "No…I ruined it..."
John looked at Alex, worried. They heard sirens and John looked down into the parking lot to see the ambulance had arrived. He ran down to let them in, and they quickly rushed into the room, managing to get Herc on a stretcher and they brought him down to the vehicle, immediately setting off for the hospital.
"Should we wait for Laf in the parking lot?" John asked.
Alex nodded. "Probably."
The two of them ran down the stairs and waited in the parking lot for Laf, who arrived five minutes later.
"Guys! What happened?"
Alex looked at John. "You didn't tell him?"
"I didn't want to scare him…"
Alex sighed. "We need to get to the hospital. NOW. We're taking your car. I'm driving."
Laf could hear the urgent tone in Alex's voice and quickly gave him the car keys. Alex got in the driver's seat and John got in the back with Laf.
"Guys...where's Herc?" Laf asked.
"He's who we're going to the hospital for." John replied slowly.
"Why? What happened?" Laf asked worriedly.
"Laf…" John sighed. "Herc, he...he tried to kill himself…"
"What?" Laf's eyes widened in fear. "No no no, this is all my fault!"
"Laf, it's not your fault." John said, putting his hand on Laf's shoulder.
"Yes it is, I should've said I forgave him, but I didn't! Why didn't I? I should've just let him keep thinking it was a dream, but I didn't! Why do I have to be so stupid?" Laf rambled as tears spilled out of his eyes.
"Laf, you're not stupid." John said gently.
"Yes I am...I'm an idiot...I'm worthless…"
"Shh, no you're not. You're so meaningful to so many people, Laf."
Laf ignored him. "Are we almost to the hospital?"
"Yeah, we're almost there." John soothed as the building came into view.
As soon as Alex parked the car, Laf jumped out of the car, John and Alex following close behind.
"Laf, wait!"
"I can't wait, I need to see Herc!" Laf exclaimed, sobbing.
"Shh, Herc will be alright." John said comfortingly, wrapping his arm around Laf's shoulders as the three of them rushed into the building.
They walked up the the secretary's desk, who was rapidly typing into her computer. The lady looked up with a smile that seemed much too cheery for the current situation. "Hello, can I help you with something?"
"Yeah," Alex, the calmest of the three said. "Our friend was brought here. His name is Hercules Mulligan, can you tell us what room he's in?"
The woman tapped something into her computer. "Floor three, room eight hundred twenty-five. I'm not sure if you'll be allowed in, though." The woman looked at them apologetically.
"Alright, thanks." Alex nodded. "Come on, Laf."
The three of them went up the stairs where there was a waiting room and yet another secretary desk, whoever sat there was more than likely better informed of the goings on of the floor.
"Hello," a woman said, peering out from behind her computer. "Are you here to see someone?"
"Hercules Mulligan." Alex quickly replied.
The woman pursed her lips. "You can't see him right now, I'm afraid. The doctors are in there with him right now, and I'll let them know he has visitors. A doctor will come tell you when you can see him, alright? For now, take a seat."
"Alright, thank you." John said.
The three of them sat on a couch. Laf was sobbing uncontrollably. John pulled him close and rubbed his back gently. "Shh, everything will be okay," John said soothingly. "Herc will be okay."
Laf shook. "N-nothing will be okay...this is all my fault!"
"It's not your fault, Laf." John replied. "None of this is your fault."
Five minutes passed. Then fifteen. Thirty. Finally, a doctor walked up to them. "Are you here for Hercules Mulligan?"
Laf nodded. "Is-is he gonna be alright?"
The doctor sighed. "Unfortunately not." Laf's face fell. "He had lost too much blood by the time he had arrived. We...we can't save him. I'm sorry." The doctor said sincerely. "He is asking to see-Lafayette, I believe the name was? That wouldn't happen to be any of you, would it?"
"I'm Lafayette." Laf replied as he stood up. Herc's going to die? No, no no no! He was still crying as he walked into the room. As soon as he entered he ran over to Herc's bed and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. "I'm sorry, this is all my fault!" He sobbed.
Herc weakly wrapped his arms around Laf. "Hey, no, it's not your fault. I don't want you to think this is your fault."
"I forgive you, I should've said it sooner!" Laf cried. "Please don't die, please don't!"
"Laf...I can't control what happens past this point…"
"Why would you do this?"
"So I'll never hurt you again, and because of the guilt I feel of ever having hurt you in the first place." Herc replied. "You've already been hurt so much by Thomas...you don't deserve to get hurt by me...what if I hurt you again? I promised I'd protect you and instead I'm the one that hurt you."
"But I don't want you to leave…"
"You won't have to worry about me hurting you again…"
"I'm not worried about you hurting me. That wasn't really your fault." Laf said quietly as he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Herc's, who kissed back weakly. The two of them sat there, wishing that moment would never end. But of course, it had to.
"I love you." Laf said as he slowly pulled away, his face tear-stained.
The monitor was going slower now, and Herc, with much effort, raised hand up to Laf's face and brushed a few tears away. "I love you too." He took a shallow breath. "I'll see you on the other side...maybe by then I'll be a good person…" His hand dropped limply to his side and Laf screamed as he monitor went flat.
"HERC!" No, you are a good person! Oh god, no, please god, no! Herc, come back, please come back, please! PLEASE!" He screamed, desperate. "PLEASE!"
Doctors rushed into the room, as well as John and Alex, who gently pulled Laf back so the doctors could do whatever needed to be done.
"Laf…there's nothing we can do…" John said gently.
"He can't be dead, please no! Please!" Laf sobbed, trying to run back into the room.
"Laf, I know you're...devastated." Alex said softly. "I know how difficult it is to lose someone you care about. But we're here for you, okay?"
"Herc's not dead!" Laf screamed. "He can't be!"
"Laf, we're going back to the dorm, okay?"
"No! Not without Herc!" Laf continued to scream, straining against John and Alex.
"Laf," Alex said firmly. "I know how hard it is for you. It's hard for me to say this, but-Herc is gone. I'm sorry Laf, he's gone."
Laf finally stopped fighting, the tears sliding down his face as Alex and John guided him to the car.
John sat next to Laf and pulled him in close as Laf sobbed, soaking his shirt. "Shh...we're here for you Laf, okay?" He said as he gently rubbed his friend's back, trying to get him to relax.
They got back to the dorms and the two of the, guided Laf up the stairs, into his dorm, and into his room.
"I'm going to call Peggy and see if she'll watch him for the night. He's gonna need someone to watch him the next couple of days, and they've always been close friends." John said, taking out his phone. "Plus, she doesn't have any classes tomorrow, so she'll be able to stay up later."
Alex nodded. "Probably a good idea." He said as John made the call and quickly explained the situation to the youngest Schuyler sister.
"She'll be right over." John said, tucking his phone away.
"Okay. I guess we'll just wait out here until she shows up?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Alright," Alex replied, finally letting the realization hit him. "John...we're never gonna see Herc again…" He said, his voice cracking.
The two of them were both crying. "I know," John replied, pulling Alex in. "But if we're having a hard time with it, imagine what Laf must be feeling."
"Hi guys!" Peggy exclaimed as she ran up to them, a worried look on her face. "Can I-can I just go in?"
"Yeah, thanks Pegs."
"Anytime." She said, entering the dorm. The bathroom light was on and she could hear Laf crying. "Laf?" She knocked. "Laf?" She opened the door to see Laf trying to open a bottle of pills. "Laf!" She exclaimed, bending down and prying the bottle out of his hands.
"NO! GIVE IT BACK!" He screamed. "I want to die! I want to see Herc!"
Peggy flinched at Laf's screaming, but could clearly see her friend was distraught. "I'm not giving you this." She said. "You need to go to bed."
"No! Let me die! I can't live without Herc!"
"Laf, please." Peggy looked at him desperately. "Just go to bed."
Something about that look made Laf realize that Peggy was trying to help him. He slowly stood up as Peggy helped him up, and he collapsed on his bed, his pillow soon soaked with tears.
Peggy sat on the edge of the bed, gently running her hand from his hand down to his back. "Shh...I'm right here, Laf. I'm right here." Even after he fell asleep she stayed there for the rest of the night with him.