We sit in his room in our normal spots, eating take out Italian in sweats and watching crappy horror on Netflix. There's something so comforting in just laying here with him. I watch as he swirls his bread in leftover sauce, his eyes glued to the TV screen. These are the moments I come over for, anyone on the outside looking in would see a couple of kids in their prime, perhaps a couple or maybe just best friends. They'd see me smile and push him for chewing too loud, they'd see him push me back just hard enough for me to fall over, they'd see me throw a pillow at him and tackle him over on the bed, and from there they'd imagine what would happen next. The perfect illusion only lasts a few moments, I break soon after every time. This time it's from him grabbing my arm, the scabs rip open as I pull away from him.
"Helga, we talked about this. You promised it would stop." I slide away from him, grabbing some tissues from the shelf and holding them to the open cuts. He takes the tissue from my hand and begins to gently blot the cuts. I sit back, breathing slowly and deliberately, trying to keep the roller coaster of my emotions from flipping once again. Today has been such a good day, I should be so happy and excited and instead I'm rotating between happiness and despair. Part of me wants to shut down completely, if I deserved happiness it would have come already, the other part wants to push past these feelings of pity.
"Arnold, I'm so sick of this, so sick of feeling so miserable and weak. I miss myself."
She's shaking, all of her frustration is finally bubbling to the surface. The thing about Helga is she can talk about things, about her issues, and if she's not ready to fully confront it, it won't do anything. I pat at the cuts silently, waiting for her to continue.
"What the hell happened to me? I was so strong, so fucking strong as a kid. I had the arguably worse childhood known to man and nothing stopped me. Even when I first moved I was still strong, not nearly as abusive to others but strong. It was when I started dating these assholes I started doubting myself. It's like all those years of hearing how worthless I was rooted in my brain and I'm fucking sick of it. I want to be strong again."
I stop blotting her arms and stare into her eyes. The fire in her eyes is blazing in a way I haven't seen in years, the crystal blue like ice; hard and steely. My breathing catches in my throat, she is so beautiful when she's determined.
"What are you going to do Helga?"
"I don't know but god damn it I'm going to be strong again. Like hell if anything is going to stop me." The smile on my face is unavoidable even as she glares. The hardness and passion is all I've wanted to see for months. "I swear to god Arnold, if you don't wipe that stupid smirk off your face I will do it for you." I laugh this time, unable to stop myself.
Part of my wants to beat him to a pulp for laughing when I'm trying so hard to reignite myself. The other part wants to dance in sheer bliss that I feel something besides self-pity. I punch him in the arm hard enough to cause him to rub it and move back to our spots. We sit silently for a few moments on opposite ends of the bed. My mind racing with a mixture of adrenaline and fear, how far gone is the girl I used to be? Can I even find her at this point? I feel myself slipping down into my thoughts as his arm reaches out and drapes over my shoulders, pulling me into his side as he strokes my hair. My heart skips as I sink into him, content that he, if no-one else, understands me.
"Helga, can you do me a favor?" His fingers weave patterns on my shoulder, I must have fallen asleep if the credits on the screen are any indication. I look up at him, my head nestled on his lap like a small child, and nod. "Never loose that fire again, seeing you so broken has been the scariest thing of my life. I know it was nothing compared to how you felt but, I don't ever want to loose you again." His eyes remain locked on the screen the entire time, his fingers trembled slightly as he finished. I muster the best smile I can and nod my head from him, knowing I cant truly promise that but lord knows I would try.
She's so beautiful when she's angry, hell who am I kidding she's always beautiful but when she's angry I see a new kind of beauty that's only ever existed in old great writings and songs. Right now her anger is directed at a fictional character in a book I gave her but that doesn't matter. Her eyes are still blazing, lip jutted out just so, brows knitted together, body coiled like a lioness ready to pounce. As soon as she told me she wanted to be herself again my mind started racing with ways to do that. I suggested she try doing things she used to love doing without worrying about others reactions to it. She was hesitant at first but caved when I offered to let her read anything from my collection. For as far back as I could remember she was eloquent in the quiet moments between. She could be a brute, don't get me wrong, but there were moments every now and then where you could hear just how poetic she was. I don't know if she was ever big on reading back then but from the is devouring my books I'd like to think so. We talk between chapters about her back then, back when she was my own personal hell of earth. She was a living breathing contradiction, a fighter dressed in a pink dress. She could out punch anyone I knew but sprouted poetry so beautiful it should be written in books. She is still a conundrum, more beautiful than an angel but never angelic.
I grab my camera from a shelf above my bed, focusing the lens on her as she mutters obscenities at the worn pages in her lap. My heart pounds as my fingers adjust the aperture and focus before setting off the flash, the picture barely coming out as her body flies toward me.
"What the hell do you think your doing football head?!" She lunges forward, poised to rip the camera from me. Without thinking my finger clicks the button repeatedly, the corners of her mouth turning up as she tries to keep her scowl straight. "I swear to God I'm going to shove that camera so far down your throat you'll be able to show people exactly what you ate for dinner last week." Her words are vicious, it was as if I was staring into the past, but her eyes are alive with passion. The adrenaline pulses in my system as alarms of danger ring in my ears. Her fingers slip over my weapon as she tumbles forward. I toss the camera to the side and wrap my arms around her before she falls off the bed.
My heart is racing, his body engulfing mine in a fiery embrace. I look into his eyes, my anger dissipates as the emerald glow darkens, smoldering as we sift from the edge, arms pulling me tighter against him. I feel the hardness of his chest against the softness of my own, our hearts thumping to the same beat at a million miles per moment. His eyes hold mine like magnets as we move closer together in a gravitational pull. Butterflies in my stomach fly up my throat as my lips tingle, getting closer and closer to his. I ball my hands into fists against his chest as our eyes flutter shut, his arms now a vice grip around me.
To call them fireworks would be a demeaning understatement. Fire courses through my body originating at every spot her body touched mine. Her lips are soft, smooth like the petals of a rose, her skin feels like silk against my chin. She bites my lower lip softly, a moan escapes my lips before I can stop it. I feel her smile against me, my tongue brushes along her lower lip causing her to be the one to loose her breath. Her lips part slightly, involuntarily, just wide enough for me to begin exploring her mouth. Her teeth drag softly against my tongue, shock evident in her fingers gripping my shirt, pulling me deeper into her.
I feel like I'm drowning, my whole body burns and I can't get any air in. My mind flashes to a trip to the beach Olga and I took in California, I was attempting to surf and the waves over powered me and dragged me down. I feel that same powerlessness now with him holding me, except this time, I'm not sure I want it to end. His tongue explores my mouth, my body melting into his. I've kissed plenty of guys, I've never felt like this. His fingers unlock from each other and slide around my hips, pressing us bone to bone as we both groan. The lack of oxygen finally causes me to cave, I pull my lips away expecting him to stop as well, but he doesn't. His lips hungrily move from my mouth to my cheek, down my chin, down my neck, before stoping at my collar bone and assaulting the delicate skin there.
She tastes like coconut and vanilla, mixed with the most addictive drug that could ever be created. My teeth drag along her neck, her breathing hitches and she whines softly. I know we should stop, that she's too damaged to be taking down this path but I can't, I don't want to stop. Her hands release my shirt and lock into my hair, tugging my head off of her neck and replacing the bruised skin with her slightly puffy lips. She takes control of this, pushing her chest off of mine and locking my bottom lip between her teeth and pulling it as she sits up and pins me down. I'm dazed, I can feel the world spinning around me as her eyes drift open slowly, seductively, locking into mine as she leans over my face. Her chest just inches from my face, I barely restrain myself when she snaps up, smirk on her face, and evil gleaming in her eyes.
His eyes widen like dinner plates, swinging from my hand is his precious little camera. I let him come just inches from taking it back when I snatch it back and turn the lens on him. I barely know what I'm doing as I push the button and set off the flash. His smile makes my heart race harder as he reaches for the camera, trying to stop my twitchy, inexperienced fingers from capturing his image.
"Payback's a bitch Arnoldo." I cant help the bubbling laughter from coming out. His hair is golden, reflecting the light from above like amber itself. His emerald eyes barely visible through his squinting laughter. His arms wrap around me once again, I cant help but feel like this is where I've always belonged.
Hey Guys! Talk about a hiatus….sorry about that. This chapter has been hard, so incredibly hard for me. I promise to update more often. Just know were not out of the woods yet, and happy endings come at a cost.