Hello, Time Bomb
Chapter 19
A Kiss is Just a Kiss
One
Ivy tried to keep to herself. Her crew didn't need to see her frustration, her impotence.
Grounded.
It felt personal. She could count on her fingers the number of reprimands she'd received in her military career. She had no black marks on her record. A change of mission parameters wasn't new, she'd stood down from missions before on orders, let a different kind of specialist take control. That was just protocol.
But they'd locked down her ship. As if she didn't know how to take orders. As if she was going to mutiny. She should have known better than to question them, Anderson was already pushing them to their limits with talk of Reapers, they weren't going to listen to a Spectre they thought to be unstable. She'd just cast suspicion on herself.
Had she been lax? If she'd delayed any of their priority missions she wouldn't have had a chance of stopping Saren, but maybe there was physical proof of the Reapers that she could have found, should have been focused on. She shouldn't have been so sceptical before Virmire.
She needed her cleaning kit. Out in her locker.
With a grimace she left her quarters. Her crew needed... what? Reassurance? She had none to offer them. Ash's death still fresh, they were shaken, and now sitting on their hands. She couldn't have asked for worse circumstances.
She knelt in front of her locker and started to input her code. It didn't want to work, her hands were trembling, pressing the wrong numbers. In frustration she thumped the locker with her fist. She heard footsteps approaching and looked up to see Kaidan.
He'd been avoiding her, and she was grateful for it. Ash's death, the council's obstinance and her own confusion over him had just left her feeling tired.
She slumped down against the lockers.
"Commander, are you alright?" he asked. "I'm sure there's a way to appeal. We're under Alliance authority, after all, not the council."
If only that were the case. If it came down to it the council would fight the Alliance for authority over her and win. Not that they needed to. Right now Udina was terrified of her embarrassing humanity, he wasn't going to defy the council before he had secured a spot on it. Her options had run out.
"I've tried, no luck."
"So that's it? We just walk away?"
"Of course not."
Kaidan sighed, echoing her own frustration. "If I can be of any help just let me know. I hope I'm not out of line saying that."
"You're not. I'm just upset." She was glad to have him there. For all the confusion he was still a comfort.
"You looked like you were about ready to go off on the council. Much as they deserve it, it's good to take a step back. I'm here for you, but we're in a rough spot and the last thing I want to do is muddy things." He looked like he was about to say more, but stopped when he noticed the smile creeping over her face. She couldn't help it. For someone who talked so much he had such a talent for understatement.
She nudged his foot with her toes. "Stop being so p-p-precious, goof."
It was scary – terrifying – but she wanted him there. She wanted him to talk to her without that stiff veil of formality, of regulation. He smiled at her and she felt herself relax.
"So what's the plan?"
She shrugged. She had nothing, so she looked him in the eye and gave him honesty. "I'm going to protect you."
She hoped that made it sound like she had a better plan than letting Anderson loose on the council. Eventually he'd yell loudly enough at the right person, buy them some breathing room. It was true, though. No matter the outcome, she was going to keep him safe.
"Have you got something up your sleeve, Shepard?" he asked. "What am I saying? When don't you? That's what I lo- appreciate about you."
Ivy flushed from her toes to her face, an exhilarating, terrifying rush of blood. She could feel her skin heating up. He hadn't really been going to say that. Had he? The air left her lungs in a short puff.
"I'm the one who trips talking," she teased with more confidence than she felt.
"I just need a little practise, is all," he said with a short laugh. "I think we've got some time."
He held out a hand to help her up. She stared at it for a moment. She felt a sort of sweet dread at touching his skin again, then took it and let him pull her to her feet.
She wasn't sure if she stumbled or if he pulled her forward, but with a jolt she was pressed up against him, his arm wrapped around her waist to steady her. Their eyes met and suddenly breathing was complicated, like advanced mathematics, the in and out happening all out of sync.
This was the first time they had touched like this. With intent. It felt more natural than when she'd tried to hug him, her arms found their own position against his shoulders, her hips instinctively leaned against his. The electricity under her skin could light up cities. She felt every place that their bodies touched, and so fiercely where his hands were splayed across her back.
His eyes flicked to her parted lips and she forgot how to breathe altogether. He was going to kiss her. She wanted him to.
She turned her face upward and stretched, rising up on tiptoes. She wanted to know what it felt like, what it tasted like, what he tasted like. Warm breath washed over her skin, sending shivers down her back as he leaned down to meet her. The tip of her nose touched his and she felt like her heart was going to pound its way out of her chest.
"Sorry to interrupt, Commander," Joker's voice in her ear made her jerk out of Kaidan's arms. "Got a message from Captain Anderson."
She took a sharp breath, trying to calm down. "What did he want?"
"Only said to meet him in that club in the wards. Flux."
She looked at Kaidan. He looked significantly calmer than she felt. "Well I guess you'd better go, then."
"Yes," she agreed, disoriented by the sudden whiplash.
She had expected Anderson to make some headway, but she didn't like the sound of this. It was too soon, and if it was official he would have wanted to meet her in his office, or at the embassy.
She left Kaidan as quickly as she could. She wasn't going to delay this meeting, she didn't even stop to put on her hardsuit. She definitely wasn't going to take anyone with her. She had to get this over with as quickly as possible, all this tension was not conducive to good composure.
The decon at the airlock took long enough to make her tremble with anxiety. Between the creeping dread of wondering what Anderson was going to suggest and wanting to bang her head against the wall – she had been this close to kissing him! – she was a mess.
In the cold light of the Citadel it almost seemed like a mistake. She wasn't helping her own case against fraternisation. But a part of her, big enough to challenge her wounded pride at being grounded and worry over their course of action, was yelling for joy. Emotions she'd never experienced before were bubbling in her chest, bringing up with them a thousand things she'd never known she wanted, and a different kind of fear.
It was an easier kind of fear, though. It helped her ride the elevator down, helped her get to rapid transit, the questions she had no answers for, that she could contemplate to induce a strange pain in her chest that she could cling to. What if he wanted something that she wasn't prepared to give? What if things changed? What if he died on this mission? What if he didn't want anything at all and it was just blood running hot from close quarters?
Questions so easy compared to the ones she should be asking.
Flux was loud, bright, irritating. The music thundered in her ears, the flashing lights made it hard to see in front of her, the crowds were thick enough to get lost in and suddenly she couldn't distract herself with thoughts of Kaidan. She'd been to this place before, or close enough that it didn't matter. Here was where she met contacts, received briefings that were so classified that they couldn't risk cameras, microphones or eavesdroppers. This was the place where she was told to do something that wasn't above board.
As she pushed her way through the crowd she silently prayed that Anderson's orders were coming from high up, but part of her knew that wasn't the case. Captains didn't give personal briefings to black operatives.
She found him at a table in the corner. He looked aged, tired. Insufficient sleep or stressful waking activities. Probably both. She knew the feeling.
"Anderson," she said as she sat down.
"Shepard," he replied.
He slid a drink across the table, something strong and caramel-coloured. She knew this was going to be bad.
It was worse. He explained his plan in detail. He would go into Udina's office, break the docking lock on the Normandy, she would take it to Ilos and stop Saren.
She had imagined one worse scenario, which was that he would ask her to assassinate the council and hope the next candidates were more open-minded. But truthfully she hadn't thought that was likely. This was the worst option that she had contemplated as possible.
This was suicide, one way or the other.
"You're asking a lot," she said.
"We don't have any other choice."
"There must be."
"There isn't."
She downed her drink in one mouthful, it burned going down her throat. "This is mutiny. Treason."
"It's that or the end of galactic civilisation," Anderson said. "At the end of this we'll all either be dead or heroes."
"Not all," she hissed, stealing his glass.
"Shepard, this isn't the time to lose your nerve. You've been a model soldier for years, I need you on our side this time."
"They'll send me back." Breathe from the diaphragm.
"I'm not going to let that happen."
"You'll be in jail for treason."
"I can't order you to do this. But I'm asking you, as someone who has defended you in the past, to do the right thing."
Her voice cracked with anger when she spoke. "You've spent the last twelve years telling me that doing the right thing meant following the rules."
"Dammit, Ivy, this supersedes the rules! This is life and death."
"It's always life and death. You send me out there to die every day. I do it because I trust you."
Anderson sighed, his anger ebbing. "Well, this time I'm asking you to make that judgement. You're a Spectre now. You can trust the council to come through for us all or you can trust yourself to know what you should be doing."
Ivy looked at the drink in her hands, swirled the glass around to watch the liquid vortex down. Trust herself. What was the right thing to do? Anderson thought this was a no-brainer. Certainly without intervention Saren would take the Citadel, and from there the rest of the inhabited galaxy. The council had the entire allied fleet at their disposal, the Spectre corps, C-Sec. If they were planning to send so much as an investigative force they would have Saren in custody before he had a chance to act. And her. She would be in custody as well, another fallen Spectre on a stolen boat, preparing to spend her life in prison if they didn't simply execute her.
If they weren't sending anyone, if they had truly failed in their duties as protectors... She remembered her promise to Kaidan, simply spoken but heartfelt. She would protect him.
This wasn't her job, and that made her furious. How was she supposed to protect the entire galaxy by herself? The council was supposed to be looking out for them. Tens of thousands of ships idling in the harbour while Saren was moving a fleet they couldn't imagine right toward them.
She downed Anderson's drink, she was going to need it more than he did.
"I'm in."
"Good to hear. Get back to your ship, and get ready to move."
She stood and saluted him. He returned it.
The music from the club seemed to have dulled, but the lights were even brighter. She walked out into the street in a daze.
What had she just agreed to?
It was bright and cold as she walked towards the rapid transit terminal, trying to put one foot in front of the other.
That's where I'm going. Somewhere bright and cold.
She was going to get Saren, she had no doubt. He had admitted, himself, that indoctrination made the subject lose faculties. She had the advantage. Barring any unfortunate coincidences, she was going to find Saren, to kill him, to stop the Reapers. Then her troubles would begin.
She was going to protect Kaidan. The thought hardened her resolve. She would protect Kaidan, protect Garrus, Liara, Wrex, Joker, even Tali. She would protect Father Mills in New York, Kaidan's family in Vancouver, Ash's family on Sirona. She was the one with the responsibility to these people, before the council and before high command.
It was time to be the shepherd, not the sheep.
She found her way back to the Normandy, numb from head to toe.
This was it, here she would put the council's authority behind her. This time she was wishing that decon would take longer. As soon as she stepped in that door she would be making her own rules, and the whole galaxy would rest on her getting them right.
The door slid open, her eyes adjusted to the dim lights of the cockpit. She walked up behind Joker.
One foot in front of the other.
"Hey Shepard, how'd it go?" Joker asked.
"We're stealing the Normandy."
"Oh. Oh, well that'll make for a good story to tell at parties, I guess. How exactly are we stealing the Normandy?"
"Get ready," she said.
"Oh, we're doing it right now..." Joker kept talking, but she wasn't listening.
She stared at the light and waiting for her life to change.