Chapter Nineteen: Not At Ease

0832 Hours, November 3, 2560. ONI Black Site FARCOM 5, Planet Puget. "The Visit," Outer Colonies. Day Fifteen of the Dark Side of the World

"Hey, Cal. How're you doing?"

I stepped inside his room in the medbay and walked up to him, trying not to impede the orderly hovering around him. Lieutenant Lloyd was awake and sitting up today, eating his morning meal from his tray on his own. That was good. However, he still had a number of tubes going in and out of him, along with a big, ugly bruise peeking out of his bandaged chest and shoulder on his right side, where he'd taken a hit.

It infuriated me to see him like that, and knowing at least a little of what they'd done to him while we'd been captured when he'd already been wounded pretty badly. It was a miracle he was even alive, and yet despite patching him up, they'd still mistreated him. I hated to admit it, even to myself, but it made me glad people like Garrett and Daria were dead. Anyone who'd done something like this to fellow humans deserved exactly what they got.

Yet I still felt uncomfortable knowing I'd caused one of their deaths. It was a puzzling contradiction I hadn't yet resolved within myself, and I wasn't sure if I would.

Caleb perked up a bit when he saw me and gave a slight nod. "Ma'am. I'm doing all right. Not quite ready to go yet, but...soon."

It didn't really seem like he'd be ready soon, but I didn't mention it. The other bruise around his left eye had yellowed now, and there was still evidence of the old cut on his forehand, too - both of which Garrett had inflicted on him during our time with the rebels. I honestly couldn't think of anyone more deserving of being shot in the head. But I quickly shook the thought aside.

I gave a small smile in return. "I feel like that most days. Getting better, bit by bit, but not there yet."

The orderly finished getting Caleb's IV tubes squared away and then got my attention.

"Colonel, I'll be back a little later to check in on things. You can stay as long as you'd like."

"Thank you, Petty Officer."

He nodded and left, and it was then that I finally let out a sigh.

"Okay. He's gone now, so no bullshit - how are you...dealing with all this?"

The lieutenant attempted to shrug as he ate but didn't quite manage. "I don't know, ma'am. Not...good, but I'm trying."

"Sounds about right."

"You?"

"Me? To be honest, I'm a mess." I sat down in the chair next to him and looked straight ahead at the wall before returning my attention to him. "It's like I can't keep things straight in my head anymore. I just feel angry. A lot. The other day I flipped out on Commander Ackerson over something small, and when I heard there were rebels around, I...froze up." I took in a deep breath. "I can't believe I got scared, but I did. And the meds for the nightmares are helping, but the rest of this...not as much."

"We were there for a while," he said quietly, putting down his fork.

"Yeah."

"Almost feels surreal to be here now. All this comfort is...overwhelming. So's not feeling pain."

I gave something between a snort and a chuckle. "Never thought I'd be so uneasy about nice amenities."

"Yes, ma'am. But I got some help, and that made me feel better about things."

"How?"

"I called my dad and my sister yesterday." A smile finally appeared on his face. "It was really good to see them. Grace said she wished she could've been there at the rescue so she could've killed every last one of the bastards who'd hurt her little brother. My father said something similar."

I smirked. "I think both our families feel that way. I haven't gotten a chance to talk to mine yet."

"You should. I wasn't sure about it at first, but it boosted my spirits. More than I had when we first arrived." Then he sobered. "My dad, though...he got really angry, too." Our eyes met. "You remember I told you back on Khan about his own internment with the Innies. He was pretty upset the same damn thing happened to me. I think he felt like he'd failed me somehow, even though it was in no way his fault. That part made me feel worse."

Looking down at the ground now, I nodded in understanding. "I know you're a good dad to Alexis because Dani tells me all the time, but I think you'll fully realize what that feels like once you have your own kids. You don't want anything bad to happen to them, ever, and this was something so...horrific that he experienced, and now you, that he wouldn't ever want you to know about or feel. It's devastating when it happens to you, but so much worse when you've been through something like this and know your kid had to endure it, too."

"Yeah. I guess we're all just...trying our best to come to terms with it and deal."

"That's exactly right."

The words came out softly and I again thought of Willis. As hard as things had been for Cal and I in captivity, I knew it had affected Willis as well, knowing I was trapped in enemy hands and not being able to get me out. It was a personal trauma and a family one all at once, and again I prayed that our kids knew nothing about it, for that very reason. And as much as I missed and loved all of them, I wondered how the hell I was going to come back from this and explain the terror and pain and anguished hopelessness I'd experienced.

I'd managed it with Ethan, but being ONI I knew he'd encountered these things before. Caleb, too, because he'd gone through it all with me. But someone else, who had no idea about the depths of cruelty the human race was capable of? I knew Willis, and I just didn't see him ever being able to go to a place mentally where he believed this about people, unless he experienced it himself.

Just like me. That's what it had taken for me to understand exactly what Hayden had been trying to tell me all along on Khan.

I was startled out of my thoughts when I felt Caleb reach for my hand and squeeze it.

"Colonel. It'll be okay. We'll make it through this." He swallowed as he let go again, and I knew he was struggling with his own emotions with what had occurred, too. "You know what I think about when things get dark? Alexis's smile. Her voice, calling me Dad. And her mother, who I love so much and can't wait to see."

A lump formed in my throat now, but my eyes didn't prick up anymore like they had been. I think I was all cried out on that front, but I still felt the feelings. "Just a few more days, Cal, and you and Dani will be reunited."

He smiled this time. "Yeah. I like to think that's what's spurring my recovery." Then he looked saddened as he faced me again. "I'm sorry your family's so far away. There's nothing for you to look forward to."

I shrugged, although I felt a sharp stab of pain at his words deep in my heart. "There is. I get to see my Marines again."

For now, that would have to be enough.

Since the morning had been equal parts emotionally draining and numbing, I thought it was the perfect excuse to head for the facility's gym. I'd been attending every day now, trying to get my strength back up after being held prisoner for so long with little food. The combination of eating more and exercising more, along with getting a good night's sleep each night, was already helping, just three days in. I felt less fatigued and had more energy, though there was a long way to go yet to get back into the shape I'd been before. I'd lost weight and was weaker, but I hoped even a short regimen like this would boost me up again.

And I needed to be back up to par quickly, because each day I lingered was another one my regiment was without me. I wanted to get back.

It was also helpful for me mentally, because I didn't think so much when I was working out, and I had something good to channel all my anger and hurt into. It helped fuel me along with food, and soon, I was lost sweating it out on the elliptical - better for my wounded leg - as I gazed out the large concealed window to the outside.

"Nice view, isn't it?"

I didn't stop moving as I turned, coming face-to-face with Ethan. He was dressed in PTs as well and took up on the treadmill beside me, pumping it up to the highest setting from the start. He had his shirt on but I could see the hard muscles of his arms flexing as he ran beside me, and it got a little distracting.

"You're talking about the snow outside, right?" I asked, out of breath.

He laughed. "Yes. Did you think I meant something else?"

"No, I just...nevermind."

He raised an eyebrow at me, still smirking. "Should I move a few machines down?"

"No," I said firmly, looking straight ahead. "It's fine."

"Good," he replied, and his expression became more serious. "Then I've got a couple pieces of news for you to consider."

"All right. Shoot."

"First one's this: I've gotten you access to our COMs systems now. You and Lloyd both, actually."

"I heard. I went and saw him this morning. He's still banged up but he was sitting up and doing things on his own, so I think he's getting better."

Ethan nodded as he ran. "That's good. That's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about."

"What?"

He carefully kept his own gaze straight ahead, too, as he answered. "I spoke with Major General Bolowsky on Mars earlier. He said given your ordeal, you and the lieutenant can opt to go home rather than return to your unit once you're well enough."

In my surprise I nearly missed a rotation and tumbled forward. I quickly slowed down the pace to something I could handle even when my mind was abuzz and repeated, "What?"

"You heard me. You've got a ticket back now if you want it. You can go to Mars and see your family, and as far as you're concerned, the mission will be over for you."

At that point I had to completely stop. I put my hands on my hips and focused on taking in one deep breath at a time, still breathing heavy from the exertion. I glanced down and blinked a few times, fully considering whether or not I should quit.

Being able to see my family again was what I wanted most in the world. It would've been amazing a month ago. Now, I still wanted to see them and missed them all terribly, but I was different. I had a young son at home who was not even a year and a half old yet. I hated to admit it, but I wasn't sure what that would mean for me given my current volatile state. I didn't want my kids or my husband to see me that way.

And we still had a duty to perform here. As much as I wanted to be home - I'd never wanted to leave on this deployment in the first place - I couldn't let my regiment down. What would that do to morale if their leader just left?

"Natalie?" Ethan asked, stepping off his own machine now to look at me. "You okay? I thought you'd be happy about this."

"I am, I just..." I ran a towel over my face, sweaty now from the workout. "I need some time to think this through."

"Sure thing. You've got as long as you're here recuperating to decide. But we need to know fairly soon. Otherwise we'll have to prep Major Brewer to take over."

I nodded, although I was still a little out of it. "I understand. I'm uh...I need a minute."

Ethan flipped a thumb back to his machine. "Well, I'm going to get back to it. Let me know when you've made your choice. Like I said, no rush."

Right, I thought to myself. And no pressure, either.