Chapter 20 – Confessions

"We need to make camp," Edward said when the sun sunk beneath the horizon.

"What, why?" Jasper asked confused.

"Bella needs to rest," Edward replied.

"Oh…right."

I was tired, but I had been more excited to stop and make camp because I really wanted some alone time with Edward…that was until I remembered that vampires didn't sleep the way Jacob did, so we never really had time to ourselves at all. Edward sat and let me rest against him, but the other three vampires just stood there looking rather awkward.

"You could go try to hunt," Edward suggested.

"I don't want to kill any humans," Emmett said quickly.

"Go hunt animals," Edward told him irritated.

Alice and Jasper both grimaced.

"How often are you used to…feeding?" I asked them reluctantly.

"We usually use bank blood," Jasper told me. "It doesn't stay in our system as long as draining a fresh human, so we feed every other day, or so. We should be ok tonight, but tomorrow we're going to have to bite the bullet and find some kind of disgusting little creature."

"That is so unsanitary," Alice sulked.

"What difference does it make, it's not like we can get sick," Emmett argued.

"Alice, just think how happy we'll make Carlisle," Jasper told her.

"Why would that make Carlisle happy?" I asked confused.

Jasper and Edward exchanged an odd look, and then it became clear that his comment wasn't going to be explained. Stupid fucking 'need to know' rule.

"If you guys aren't going hunting, can you like…sit, or something?" I asked them. They were making me uncomfortable by just standing there like that; it was strange and way too distracting.

"Sure, sorry," Em said quickly. He plopped down hard making the ground shake, and I couldn't help the little laugh that escaped my lips. When he smiled back at me however, my stomach twisted and I grimaced - the expression was just far too close to my brother's for my liking.

When Em-Vamp saw my sour expression, he let his grin fade and then thankfully turned away from me.

"Try to sleep," Edward murmured to me. "The sooner you're rested, the sooner we can get moving again."

"Okay," I said with a yawn. I stretched up and kissed him tenderly on the lips, before noticing the three vamps watching us disturbed, and then laid my head on his lap.

I felt myself fall asleep quickly, but I was awoken sometime later to the low mumbles of Edward and Jasper's voices. I probably would have dismissed them and went back to sleep, but they were talking about something I couldn't ignore. I vaguely wondered where Emmett and Alice were, though I wasn't about to risk opening my eyes to look because I didn't want them to stop talking.

"So…do you think she's your mate?" Jasper asked curiously.

"My mate?" Edward said, with clear humor in his voice. "She's a human."

"Yeah, but I've been watching you with her, this isn't some casual physical relationship."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Edward said defensively. "She saved my life by busting me out of her village, and I brought her back to her brother in return. That's it. The sex thing…it's just something that happened along the way."

"Right, and now you're bringing her to Carlisle. Why?"

"I have my reasons."

"Edward, you haven't seen him in twelve years, why would you even think to go to him with your issues, especially after what happened. I mean, you are the one that forced him into hiding."

"What the fuck do you want me to say?" Edward asked bitterly.

"I don't know…I'm still not sure bringing you to him is a good idea. The only reason why I agreed to this, is because he asked me to tell you where he is if you ever asked -Of course, I never expected a human to be the reason why."

"You don't need to know the exact reason…But I am working on setting everything right….for Carlisle."

"For Carlisle?" Jasper asked. "So bringing the girl has something to do with helping him?"

"Of course. Why the hell else would I bring her?"

"Because you don't want to be away from her; you've formed the mating bond…whether you want to admit it or not. You're reacting to her the way only mates do."

"It's just a means to an end, Jasper."

"Sure it is."

"After Alaska, and I finish what I set out to do, then Emmett can take her back to their village."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that….Or I'll eat her…I haven't decided completely yet."

"You're not going to eat her," Jasper said with a humorless laugh. "You're going to let her go, and then you'll spend the rest of eternity wandering around in that empty 'I lost my mate' kind of depression."

"Fuck no. Jazz, she's a fucking human, for crying out loud. If she stops looking for danger, she may live a few more decades at the most. There's no way I'd waste my eternity pining after someone that's too stupid to want immortality."

"What if she did become a vampire?"

There were a few beats of silence as I felt Edward subtly caress my back with his thumb. "She won't, so it doesn't matter."

"But if she did?"

"No. I thought she should become a vampire because her brother was one and she can't really go home with her people, but no, I wouldn't want her as my mate either way. I've seen what happens to vamps that lose their mates, and I swore I'd never chance getting lost like that. Having the burden of a mate is not for me, and that's not something I'll ever change my mind on."

"Wait, you think I wanted a mate? You know I was all about bachelorhood before Alice. It kind of picks you sometimes."

"You still had to agree to it…You had to let it happen, which is something I'd never do."

"I didn't agree to shit. I was having fun fucking all the she-vamps I came across, and then I saw Alice and everything changed. Even when I was in denial, much like the way you are right now, I couldn't fight it. She was it for me, and all those other women became nothing more than asexual beings in my peripheral vision."

"Just because that's what happened to you, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone."

"Listen Edward, as you know, vampires are selfish by nature. Self first, coven second, leaders third, and everyone else can fuck themselves…But once you have a mate, she permanently inserts herself into your first priority. It's like when humans have a child, they get that parental instinct thing that sort of just consumes them, that's what it's like with mates….which is exactly what it looks like is going on with you and the girl. Your protectiveness towards her is tangible."

"Nope, you've misread me."

"I've misread you?" Jasper asked sarcastically. "Really? Want to try a new excuse, because we both know emotional climate is what I do."

"Whatever. Think what you want."

"Edward, you're my brother, I don't want you to disappear again."

"So, what's that supposed to mean?"

"I just wish you would understand that love isn't something to fear or run from."

"Love?" Edward scoffed. "You've just taken this to a whole other level. The instinct between mates is one thing, but vampires don't love. That's a human emotion."

My chest clinched.

"Remember what Carlisle told us - how some love is strong enough to transcend between human and vampire."

"That's not what he meant. He was talking about the love a human has for his family when he's turned, not possible love between humans and vampires."

"Love is love, Ed."

"No…Sorry, but I don't believe it," Edward said jadedly.

"We'll see," Jasper said, with a clear smirk in his voice.

"We'll see what?"

"We'll see how you feel and what you do when it's time to part ways with her. Mark my words; you'll change your tune."

A part of me really wanted to sit up and say something to him; I don't know, call him out on his lies, explain my feelings, make him understand, something…but I didn't move. The truth was that perhaps I wasn't ready. Perhaps I wasn't even sure yet. But I knew one thing for certain, I wasn't going anywhere alone with Emmett-Vamp – I wasn't going anywhere away from Edward – he'd just have to kill me first.

….

The next morning I was surprised to open my eyes to cloud cover overhead. It was the first real relief from sun that we've had, and I was grateful that my companions weren't going to be blinding the entire day; my eyes were really starting to get tired of it.

I was lying on the ground, realizing that Edward must have gotten up at some point after I had fallen back asleep, and he and the other three vamps were convened a couple of yards away. I sat up and stretched my arms with a yawn, before standing up and walking over to the vamp meeting.

"Hey what's going on?" I asked groggily.

"Emmett and Alice just returned," Edward told me.

"Where were they?"

"Ah Bella, it was the coolest thing I've ever done. You should have been there, I actually wrestled a bear!" Emmett said excitedly.

"Oh…you went hunting after all? Cool," I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. I really was happy they were out trying the animal diet, but Emmett's gusto was still hard to take sometimes – it was just too much like my brother's.

I thought I was convincing enough, but apparently I was wrong.

Emmett huffed. "Look, I get that this is going to take time, but you need to know that I'm still me. I'm your brother Bella, and I love you."

I didn't even notice that I was slowly shaking my head no until Emmett-Vamp huffed again.

"Damn it Bella, I know what this is about."

"What what is about?" I asked confused.

"This…you not believing me. I remember what dad taught us. Ever since we were kids, he's spoon fed us all his beliefs about vampires, and I know you know it wasn't all true, so why can't you believe he was wrong about this also?"

"It's not about believing him… it's just what makes the most sense to me."

"What do you believe?" Alice asked unexpectedly.

"I…I," I really didn't even want to tell them, because the truth was, I oddly didn't want to hurt any of their feelings.

So Emmett answered for me. "We were always taught that when someone becomes a vampire, they essentially die. The soul goes to heaven and a demon is placed in the new stone body. But it's not just an old wise tale that our father used to scare us, that's like…our entire religion back home, everyone believes it. So to Bella, and everyone else at our village, I'm not me. I can use the human me's memories, but the real Emmett is dead and I'm a completely different entity."

"Oh…well, that explains your coldness towards him," Alice said lightly.

Coldness? I really thought I had been doing a good job trying to be nice…I suppose I was more transparent than I had hoped.

"Do you know what the most confusing and frustrating part of this whole thing is?" Emmett continued. "You're fucking around with a vampire. I mean, really Bella, what the hell kind of hypocrite are you?"

I glanced at Edward, and his midnight conversation with Jasper flooded my mind. His faux indifference, his insistence that I meant nothing to him, and the lie he told himself that vampires can't love – I knew I had hurt his feelings by telling him my desire to stay human, and perhaps that was the basis of his bitter view on everything, but as much as Emmett was right about my beliefs, he was wrong about a few critical aspects, and I needed Edward to understand.

"I do think you're a demon that's taken over my brother's body," I admitted to Em-Vamp. "And I do believe that's how all vampires are…including Edward….But the difference is that I never knew him as a human. I only know the demon…and that's who I love."

I couldn't believe I was actually saying the L word in reference to my vampire lover, but it was the truth. Edward was a demon, and I loved him regardless.

I turned to the very shocked looking Edward, and decided it was time to pour my heart out to him.

"I love you," I told him strongly. "I've seen the best…and worst in you, and I love you in spite of it all, and because of it. And if I could become a vampire and stay with you forever, I would…but that's not what would happen. I'd just be…gone, and in my place would be someone else…someone you may accept as me because she would have my memories, but it wouldn't be me. I'm not afraid of dying, and I know one day I will, but I want to be with you as long as possible before then. I just can't move aside to let someone else, demon or otherwise, take my place with you."

Edward and I stared at each other for an indefinable amount of time, just lost in the impact of my words. I honestly didn't expect him to say it back to me, because I knew he believed he was incapable of love, and that was ok. I didn't need to hear him say it; I just needed him to hear me say it. I needed him to know that even though I believed he was a demon, that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It was just a word. The term "vampire" was just the stone body, and the "demon" part was the soul that took over when the human soul left. Sure, most of them were murderers, but that was just their species. Like lions or any other predator, they killed because it was what came naturally to them, and who was I to hate them for that?

As a human, obviously I couldn't like all vampires, but I didn't hate the species as a whole for being what they were. The only reason why I had such a hard time with Emmett-Vamp was because I missed my brother, and a part of me looked at the demon inside of him as his killer. It was an irrational thought, but I just couldn't kick it. Perhaps when the pain of losing the real Emmett subsided, I could get to know the demon inhabiting his body as a separate person. But it would take time. A lot of time.

At that moment however, Emmett-Vamp wasn't my concern. Besides ensuring the safety of my village with his loyalty, I didn't care about him whatsoever…All I cared about was Edward.

He must have finally decided how he was going to respond to my declaration, because he broke eye contact and huffed while looking anywhere but at me. "What's the point in loving something that can never love you in return?" he asked emotionlessly. "If what you believe is true, then you and I are completely incompatible. I'm going to live forever, and you…whether you're a vampire or not, are going to die." He pressed his lips and shrugged. "Sounds like loving someone like that is a waste of time."

I nodded, and embarrassingly wiped away the moisture running down my cheek. "It is a waste of time. We'll never be anything more than some mismatched pair who has casual sex all the time. I know that. And I know you don't want anything more, and that's fine….But if you really don't care either way, then I just need you to shut up about it and just…keep me for a while. A human's life span is nothing compared to yours, I doubt you'll even remember me a few centuries from now, but I…I'm going to take this time I've spent with you, and carry it with me wherever I go – heaven or otherwise. And I'm going to stay with you as long as you'll let me, because in my short life, it's really the only thing that's ever mattered."

Edward squeezed his eyes shut tightly as if he was in some sort of physical pain, and the he did the last thing I expected, he grabbed me and pulled me into him, and then kissed me. It was passionate, and angry, and the most emotionally painful act that I had ever experienced.

And then he pulled back forcefully, and turned and walked away. Like so many times before, he quickly disappeared into the great unknown, but for the first time, it honestly felt like he had ripped my heart out and taken it with him. I was left standing there feeling completely numb and hollow, and I had to wonder if this time…he wasn't going to come back at all.