(-For some reason, FFDN didn't send out the chapter update, so I took this down and reuploaded it. Hopefully this helps-

So, I honestly can't believe it's been 2 months, I really don't have much to say. Except that I'm really sorry this took so long. But, er, better late than never, right? College, holidays, leaving town for vacations, visiting family, getting sick, generally being lazy/unmotivated/having a giant writer's block- these all tend to result in a chapter that's so inexcusably late, it makes even me feel ashamed. However, I will NOT abandon this story, unless I die. It means a lot to me to finish it, but if I rush, I don't think I'll be too happy with it. So, er, bear with me and my writing moods please? Everything will be done soon, I just have to figure out how to reach the finish line...

Now, some of you seemed worried in your reviews- do not fear, this story is definitely K/S. Just keep reading and you'll see for yourself.

Also, even after 3800 words, I still haven't reached any battle scenes. I was expecting to write that this chapter, so I guess it'll just be in the next chapter? (I am so not looking forward to that)

With that said, I can't wait to hear from you all! The support you've given me is amazing, and I'll never stop being grateful for it. I'm sorry I don't reply to all the reviews, but I want you to know that every single one is welcomed and loved. So thanks again for still being here and for the feedback you've given me so far. I'm sorry again for giving you a fright and probably making you think I had left you all. So far the best apology I can give is this chapter, so please enjoy it.

I have one warning for this chapter: things might get a little steamy.)

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Chapter 20

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Jim had somehow managed to forget about it so far. He was too concerned with current affairs for it to even skim his mind, but he let his guard down for one second, one tiny little second, and it occurred to him. Worry pooled his stomach in an instant and he was left distressed and close to panicking. He tried to shrug it off, but with nothing to distract him, it kept nagging him, gnawing on his consciousness, but he couldn't avoid it. No one could the truth.

Because it really had finally occurred to him; he and Spock could not only become injured in the oncoming battle- they could die.

Jim felt that if he were to ever lose Spock, he would be living with regrets for the rest of his life. And if Jim were to die, Spock was surely to have the same dilemma.

Jim didn't realize he was gripping his chair so strongly until he looked down at his hands. He forced them to cease their trembling and looked up to where Spock was standing. As usual, he looked perfectly calm and collected as he studied the screen's data before him. But Jim knew better than to take a guess at Spock's emotions based on his appearances alone. He knew Spock was bothered by all of this as much as he was. However, he didn't know which aspects were bothering him most. A part of Jim was hoping that Spock was also worried by the fact that they could lose each other forever.

Jim painfully averted his attention from Spock and tried to convince himself that he'd be fine, that Spock would be fine, that all of his friends were going to get through this. He even went as far as telling himself that no one on his ship was going to die. It wasn't until after that thought that Jim realized he was just fooling himself. There were casualties during the Narada incident, so there were definitely going to be casualties now. He couldn't cheat his way around that fact.

But... if Spock really did die? It hurt more than anything to think about it. It had been a rough ride, but he and Spock had finally reached a new level of friendship, though friendship was putting it too lightly. The feeling of Spock's warmth merging with his in that fateful embrace- it all still felt so fresh, so right.

Would fate really tear them apart so soon?

Even with the room charged with emotion and wanting, Jim wasn't able to reveal all he wanted to Spock that day. And looking at the situation, it seemed unlikely that he would ever get the chance. He couldn't just leave it like that, though.

Taking a deep breath, he stood up from his chair and softly spoke, "Spock." Only Spock heard the quiet calling and turned to face Jim. "Come with me," he said just as quietly. Then more loudly, "Sulu, watch over things while I'm gone."

Spock followed him without question – although confusion was clearly in his eyes- to the lift, where Jim told the computer the desired floor. The whole time, the voice in his head was repeating 'you don't have time for this,' yet Jim shrugged it off. If there really were the possibility that he or Spock might die, then now was the time. He wouldn't have time later, because there wouldn't be any.

Still Spock kept his thoughts to himself. He couldn't predict Jim's moves, and he couldn't read his thoughts, but he knew that Jim wouldn't drag him away from his station if it the matter wasn't at least a little bit important.

When the lift doors opened, Jim remained standing, his gaze on the floor. Spock looked from Jim to the doors before speaking, "Jim."

"Hmm?" he looked up at Spock, realizing that was the first time they had made eye contact since Jim dragged him into the lift.

"The lift has stopped," Spock simply observed.

"Ah, right."

Spock didn't bother hiding his concern as they stepped out into the hallway. "You are distracted."

Jim let out a laugh that sounded too pathetic to him and not very convincing. "Yeah, that's one way of putting it."

Spock moved forward as though he were going to place his hands on Jim's shoulders but quickly straightened his posture. "And I am one, if not the main reason, for your distraction."

Jim ignored the comment and instead said, "Y'know, I'm just wasting our time here. Let's head back to the bridge and get some work done-"

But he stopped speaking when Spock placed a hand on his shoulder and said quietly, "Jim."

Jim felt all the tension and anxiety is his chest threatening to burst out. Before he could respond, Spock continued speaking, "You cannot win a battle in this state. It is better for you to reveal what is bothering you." Spock realized he didn't have much room to talk, considering his tendency to be reticent about anything even slightly personal. "In turn, I will tell you know what is... on my mind."

Jim glanced around the hall to ensure that no one was nearby before grabbing Spock's wrist and leading him back to his quarters. Spock took it as a sign of agreement and followed him.

The Captain's quarters were cold and dark. The coolness sank into Jim's skin, sending a small shiver through his muscles. He really couldn't tell whether the shiver was truly from the cold temperature or something else. Spock stood in the middle of the room, watching him and awaiting him to begin speaking. However, Jim wouldn't open his mouth, or even make eye contact with him. He could see the tension in his furrowed eyebrows and his clenched fists. "Perhaps I shall begin," Spock spoke, shocking Jim with the sudden sound. Jim regarded him quietly afterward, though he still wouldn't- or couldn't- make eye contact. "It is undeniably true that we are both at risk of losing our lives in the oncoming battle."

Jim's eyes shot up to meet Spock's. One try. He got it in one try.

Spock continued, but with hesitance. After all, he was about to do something he never, ever did. "Now that I can anticipate what may happen in the near future, I do not want to repeat past mistakes." It was his turn to lower his eyes from Jim, recalling everything that had led him to this decision. He struggled greatly with his next words. He was proud of himself for managing this much.

Jim would have responded with something, but he noticed the struggle Spock was facing and stayed silent. He knew exactly what Spock meant by 'past mistakes,' and he also knew how hard it was for him to relive that memory again.

"Jim, you have done much for me and aided me even when it was inconvenient for you. I do not understand the reason behind your actions, but I am thankful for what you have done. I realize I was incredibly difficult and unwilling to cooperate at first, and that it frustrated you greatly, yet you still remained adamant until you saw that I was no longer in distress. That is more than any... friend has ever done." Spock raised his dark eyes from the ground and once again placed them on Jim's features. His hands, that were subconsciously clenched behind his back, released their hold from each other and slid down to his sides. Jim was surprised to see them so stiff and calm, when Spock's visage implied just the opposite.

Spock continued, "Examing the situation now, it is hard to believe that we once shared contempt for each other." Spock said 'contempt' quietly, as though it hurt him to even think about hating Jim Kirk. And in all honesty, it did. How could anyone hate him? "Yet you have become my friend. I am glad to consider both you and Nyota as friends. However, with Nyota…" He paused and considered his next words very carefully. It wasn' t often that Spock had to stop between sentences. He only did so when Jim was invovled. "Perhaps what I felt for her before was affection, but that is no longer the case. Even when she and I were involved, our interactions never surpassed what you witnessed in the transporter room. Nyota never had as much influence over my emotions as you do now."

Jim knew how Spock supplied information- he never just stated something simply. He would give the facts and offer personal insight, and leave the rest to his listener. What he was doing now was no different, and Jim was quick to pick up the pieces and fit them together.

'...never as much influence... as you do now.'

Oh. Oh.

Jim restrained an exaggerated reaction. His heart floundered about, unable to calm itself any longer. The thumping in his ears grew louder as he recalled everything before; their ambiguous conversations, their casual touches, all those exchanged, completely unnecessary glances reserved for just each other.

If Bones were present, Jim could imagine him saying, "For being such a genius, you can also be a real dumb shit at times."

Even after the overly affectionate hug he and Spock shared not too long ago, it never honestly occured to him that what was going on between them was much more than just some BFF thing. He thought that Spock was just being touchy feely because... well, he hadn't actually given it much consideration before.

Spock quietly regarded him as he often did, though when Jim didn't reply for a full twenty-three-point-five seconds, he became a little bit concerned. He decided to throw in a little bit more since it didn't seem that Jim was going to speak anytime soon. "What I am saying is-"

"Spock," Jim finally breathed, a large and goofy grin forming on his face. "God, Spock." He didn't even say anymore as he set his hands on Spock chest and started directing him backwards, toward the bed. When they reached the mattress, Spock fell down onto it with Jim still above him. He gazed up into those startling blue eyes, unable to speak and not knowing how to react to the current situation. The smile on Jim's face still remained, possibly even larger than before. "How am I supposed to follow that up?"

It took a moment for Spock to completely register what Jim had asked, because, you know, it was kind of hard to concentrate when Jim Kirk was straddling you and was so close to your face that you could feel his hot breath skitter across your cheeks and send goosebumps down every inch of skin-

Jim interrupted his thoughts when he chuckled. "It was rhetorical." He placed his head down on the bed, tucking it into the crook of Spock's neck. He wasn't the best with words, unlike Spock, so he'd portray what he wanted through other means. "I can't tell you how long I've wanted to be here, doing this," he said into the soft skin, once again causing Spock to react in a way he never had before. He turned his head a little more so that his lips were brushed up against Spock's enticing neck. "Too many things I want to do to you."

"Jim," Spock choked out, his voice finding him at last. "I..." Okay, maybe not.

Jim was surprised, though no doubt aroused, that Spock was breathless sooner than he thought. In fact, they got to the bed sooner than he thought. Hell, he didn't even think they would make it to the bed at all! But there they were, within each other's reach and having absolutely no regard for personal space.

"So let's just forget about where we are for a moment," he continued talking into Spock's neck. "And focus on just us."

His kisses started out slow and tender as he moved from Spock's neck to following the line of his jaw until it led him to his lips. He kissed him long and hard, and Spock was completely okay with it. He returned the kiss with as much as force as he was receiving it. Not a tiny gap existed between their combined lips.

However, the contact wasn't sufficient enough, and neither of them could hold back any longer. They had been refusing themselves this pleasure for far too long. Warmth and desire sparked into life, and what started as a gentle, loving kiss, soon turned into both men eagerly sucking at each other's lips. Spock pulled their bodies closer than what was thought phsyically possible.

Jim pryed Spock's lips apart with his tongue and delved deep into the foreign mouth. It was more mind-blowing than Jim had ever dreamed. His imagination had done a horrible job when it came to the details of Spock's tongue, such as how hot, luscious and absolutely addicting it was. He made sure to thoroughly explore every corner and curve of Spock's mouth, because this was seriously the best damn make-out session he'd had. Ever.

Spock was fairly new to everything that Jim was doing with his body, but he was a quick learner. As his tongue continued to lap against Jim's, his hands were busy discovering the wonders of Jim's bare flesh underneath that bothersome shirt. He felt the desire and pleasure radiating from Jim from this simple act, which only made him want to discover what else made Jim fall completely apart.

In one, hasty movement, Jim was suddenly the one being straddled. Instead of being surprised, he was impressed by the display of strength. He seperated their mouths to breathlessy say, "So you like being on top, huh?" Spock didn't even reply as he lifted Jim's shirt up and over his head to reveal the skin he had been sampling earlier with his hands. His lips once again met Jim's body, just above the hem of his pants, causing Jim to give a small gasp, inaudible to all but Vulcan ears.

The reaction was just what Spock wanted, but he didn't stop there. He lifted his head and once again descended his lips upon Jim's flesh, this time on his collar bones that were just begging for attention. He dragged his teeth along the bone, following its shape up until he reached a shoulder, where he planted short and wet kisses that followed yet another trail up to Jim's toned neck.

He sucked at the skin there, long and hard until he was sure that Jim was unable to feel that patch of skin anymore.

"Fuck, Spock. Where did you learn-" he stopped to catch a moan in his throat before it escaped. Spock had found that spot. The one just below his ear and a little bit towards the back. Spock was a very quick learner.

Jim wanted to go even further. His body was screaming for more, and as much as he wanted to indulge in his needs, he couldn't allow it.

All that they were doing—all this touching, feeling, grabbing, kissing, clawing—it was just a dance of desperation. They were desperate to heal all the previous wounds before new ones tore open.

And unfortunately for them, they didn't have time to heal any wounds.

Spock sensed Jim's mood change and haulted his actions, suddenly feeling very worried. "Jim?"

He was once again face to face with Jim and saw the tension in his eyes. He lowered himself off to the side and sat up, still watching Jim carefully.

Jim sat up and sighed, placing his head in his hands. "Now I know for sure that I'm not dreaming." When Spock didn't reply, he continued, "If this was a dream, I wouldn't be so damn afraid of losing you." He looked down and let out a heavy sigh that left him feeling empty, cold. "I'm sorry. For once we could've forgotten all this..."

"Jim, please do not apologize. It is for the better that we do not continue. There are too many duties that require attention."

"Yeah, you got that right."

Spock did frown that time, and reached over to hold one of Jim's hands in his own. The gesture was suprisingly comforting, and the panic that threatened to break out of his chest a moment ago was once again behind bars. They were thin, rotting bars, but they still did the job.

"I keep thinking, 'what if?'" he began, after they had been silent for a litte while. "What if... you do die?" He looked back up and saw the same question repeated in Spock's eyes. He shook his head sadly and continued, "It drives me crazy thinking about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I know we signed up for this job and we knew what risks we were taking, but I didn't think..." he paused, sighing. "I avoided thinking about losing people I care about. I've avoided thinking about losing you. I'd rather risk my own life than see you die."

"I would risk many lives, my own included, to save you," Spock replied.

"But I'd like that neither of us end up dead," he honestly replied.

Things got silent again as both officers searched for what to say next. Jim was first to speak, which wasn't a surprise considering Spock had let most of what he had to say off his chest already.

"I'm really bad at these kinds of things. But—uh—you're really important to me, Spock. You've figured out it by now and I'm just pointing out the obvious, but I have to say it." Turning it into words just made it feel more real to him. "I really wish we'd chose a better moment to..." he gestured between the two of them with his free hand, "to do this. But this isn't even what's bothering me the most."

Spock squeezed Jim's hand tighter. He hated seeing Jim like this. "What is bothering you?" He asked, though he already knew. He knew everything Jim was feeling, and then some. They were both in this together, and the best way to make it better was to share the pain.

"I can't lose you, Spock. I need you."

Jim didn't use that word lightly, and god knew he was actually a little terrified of it. Needing people never left him any happier in life. Needing people meant getting hurt- when he depended on them most, when he would give the world to hear them give him sort of advice to make his life just a little bit more clear, all they did was turn away and leave.

This type of longing was more significant, though. It wasn't the simple need a child had for his mentally distressed mother's hugs, or the need he had for his absent older brother's advice and guidance. This surpassed all of those. Jim needed Spock because he loved him.

But dammit, Jim could't go through life lying to himself, making it seem to everyone else that he didn't need anyone, because he couldn't avoid the truth. This man holding his hand now was the single source of power that fueled his unsure and hurting spirit.

Spock leaned in and placed a small kiss on Jim's lips. He couldn't stand it. Seeing Jim sad was breaking his heart. "And I need you. I am here for you, Jim. I intend to be here for many years."

Jim hid his bottom lip between his teeth and bit back the tears that were steadily welling up in his eyes. He reached out for Spock, pulling him close in an embrace. He couldn't seem to keep his hands off of him lately.

Spock welcomed it, because, really, he could hold Jim all day and never grow tired of it.

Except he couldn't. Already they had undoubtedly spent enough time away from the bridge, and until someone intvented a device that could stop time whenever, he would never get the chance.

Jim continued to hold him close for a couple more minutes, attempting to even out his breathing and surpress the weight in his chest. "I guess I should put a shirt on, huh," he said, forcing the tension away with light conversation.

"Unless you prefer to return to the bridge only partially dressed, then it would be wise for you to do so."

And that was the end of it. They were out of time, and Jim had to be his normal self again, and Spock had to pretend he didn't have emotions, as usual.

Jim smiled at Spock's response and pulled away from him to stand up and go grab his shirt—did he really throw it that far?-before slipping it on over all the tiny red marks on his chest.

He reached his hand out for Spock to take, and he did so without any hesitance.

Jim reached up to pat down the many stray hairs atop Spock's head then pulled back to look at his handiwork. "It's kind of obvious what we've been doing. If anyone asks, just say that you have the Vulcan cold, or something."

"Do you truly believe that will fool them?" Spock asked. The 'Vulcan cold' had symptoms entirely different from his state of disarray, and everyone on the ship was fairly intelligent, so Spock highly doubted the plan would work. Also, he just liked to question Jim and see how his logic worked.

"I'm hoping."

"And what about the state of your condition?" his eyes fell on his marks of ownership, blazing red on Jim's neck.

Jim smiled, "No one has the guts to ask me." He was going to joke about something else, but he let it go. Instead he settled for, "Hey, Spock?" Spock looked at him with full attention. "Thanks. For being here, and listening. Heck, thanks for existing."

"You have done the same for me."

"Well, let's get going. Before we start making out again," he said with his cheeky grin.

Spock nodded and followed him out of the room. He wanted to remain in there and continue talking, because despite all the talking he already did, he still had much to say. Such as telling Jim that he was hopelessy in love with him, but he hoped maybe he had gotten his point across despite not verbalizing it.

Jim had his thoughts on something else. He was attempting to reinforce his optimism. He did so by telling himself that he'd just had the best make-out session ever with Spock, so maybe he could die happy. But it wasn't so much kissing Spock that made him happy, but finally being able to show him how he truly felt. The tongue-to-tongue action was just a very generous bonus.

Now all both of them could do was hope for the best, and fight this oncoming battle to the best of their abilities. And who knew, maybe they would both survive and could live happily ever after afterwards.

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(Hello. My name is Mrs. Biggest Cock-Block in the Entire World.

I hope you won't hate me for it. In fact, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It really was difficult to write, and I seriously almost cried with joy when I finally finished it. I'm still very nervous since I don't write this kind of stuff often, but I'm hoping I didn't screw up TOO badly. Go ahead and give me your eternal love- or hate, it doesn't matter- in a review. I may just update faster next time.)