For The Thrill Of It
Chapter Twenty: Proof
Disclaimer: I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design
She'd barely fallen asleep when she heard a fist pounding on her door around two in the morning, Kristen climbing off of her bed and stumbling to the door as she ordered it to open, her eyes immediately protesting the incoming beams of light.
"What the hell happened while I was away Kristen" he demanded, her eyes in between the blinks taking in his form and angry face. Her eyes blinked their way up and down his body, taking in the black flannel pants and the grey form fitting shirt that showed off the body she'd yet to get a chance to see.
"James, I don't want to do this right now" she mumbled in response, brushing some of her tangled hair out of her face. She was tired, sore, and didn't want to argue. She was still to confused about how they'd left things to get into it again.
"Yeah well, forgive me if I don't really care what you want to do. I mean I leave for three days and we're back to where we started. This whole you pushing me away thing is starting to get a little over played, don't you think?" he replied bitterly, Kristen watching as he crossed his arms over his chest and surveyed her critically, his expression stony.
"Says the man who's been treating women like meat for the past four years. Now that's a little overplayed, don't you think?" she bit back unintentionally, turning to glare at him now. He'd pushed her buttons before at dinner so now she wasn't going to hold back.
"So that's what this is all about? You think you're just another lay for me?" he replied incredulously, narrowing his eyes at her in a cross between confusion and hurt.
"Is that really so hard to believe?" she asked plainly, giving him an expectant look.
"I gave you my word" he said slowly and almost robotically, his gaze turning to critical now.
"Like you haven't lied to get a girl into bed before, James" she scoffed, rolling her eyes as well as shaking her head in disbelief.
"What the hell are you talking about?" he demanded, his tone aggressive now. She could see it in his eyes that he was getting angry and frustrated with her, something that unsettled her.
"I'm talking about the fact that for the past four years and god knows how many before that, all you've ever wanted from women was sex. You expect me to believe you when you say that's not how it is with me?" she replied, unable to understand where he was coming from now as he stood in front of her, aggravation all over his face.
"Yeah Kristen, I do" he replied plainly, taking a step back as he looked down to his feet and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and fore finger tiredly.
"How? How can you say that?" she demanded, still not comprehending his thought process. She knew having this conversation at two in the morning was less than ideal, but she knew that he wouldn't rest until he got his answer.
"Because I expected you to trust me. I'll be the first one to admit that yeah, I've been kinda a jerk to a lot of women over the years. But when I told you in the Klingon prison that I was trying to be a better person, I meant it. I needed you to trust me and you didn't, yet again" he said, taking a step forward as he looked at her critically, punctuating his words with his hands.
"Yeah well, can you blame me?" she replied bluntly, crossing her arms over her chest as she leant against her door frame, looking at him expectantly.
"You know, I don't know what's worse. The fact that I've done everything in my power to try and regain your trust after what happened last time or that you keeping getting stuck on the man I use to be and refuse to look at the man I've become" he noted, gesturing towards himself as he turned to leave, Kristen able to tell by his body language that he was done with this conversation and if she marked his words correctly, done with her as well.
"Rome wasn't built in a day, James" she said, noting one of the clichés Nyota had given her yesterday as she watched him turn to go.
"No, but after a month or so of working on it, I suspect the workers got a stable foundation in place" he replied back, his words like a stab wound straight to her gut. She'd never thought about it that way.
She watched from her place in the doorway, his form turning after giving her one final look to head back down the hall, leaving Kristen feeling considerably more confused than she'd ever thought possible.
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"You hailed me, Captain?"
She stepped into view, her stomach churning uncomfortably as she stepped into the bridge for the first time since their disagreement last night. She'd spent the better part of the rest of the night thinking about him and everything that happened and she still hadn't come to a decision. She just couldn't get past his past.
"Yes, Cadet Shaw, come in" he said, looking up from the view screen, his eyes finding her's instantly.
"I've asked Scotty to give you a more permanent position down in Engineering so we won't need you here on the bridge anymore" he informed her, looking at her for a few seconds before back at the view screen.
She felt her heart drop to her stomach but her head nod, her body responding to his words.
"Any particular reason why you asked him to do that, sir?" she asked slowly, feeling her blood beginning to boil. She liked her time on the bridge every day, and she didn't understand why that had to end just because they might have.
"You want to be an engineer, right?" he asked plainly, looking back at her with faint disinterest that only seemed to irritate her more.
"You know I do" she replied back bitterly, with unintentional aggression. She didn't like this Kirk; this was the arrogant, disinterested, ignorant Kirk she'd met when she'd first arrived on the Enterprise. So much for trying to change.
"Well you're not going to get there if you keep spending time up here. I've asked him to put you somewhere in transport, where you want" he said raising his eyebrows slightly to her before going back to the view screen.
"Polarize the screen then swing us around to get a better look at that star, Sulu" he ordered, Kristen hearing the helmsmen give confirmation orders as she just stood there.
"Anything you'd like to say, Cadet?" he asked challengingly after a few seconds of silence, Kristen's face stoic and kept despite the hurricane of emotion brewing inside of her.
"No, you've pretty much covered all the issues I had" she sniped back, turning on her heel and marching out of the bridge, steam pouring from her ears.
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"I mean whatever; we got in a fight, so what? Doesn't mean he should go all postal about it and send me off the bridge. I mean, that's part of my training, to learn the controls. How am I supposed to do that in Engineering? But no, you get involved with your boss and this is what happens" she bit, adjusting the wires on a broken frayer coil far too aggressively.
She'd reported down to Engineering right after leaving the bridge as ordered, and proceeded to spend the next few hours and all the way through lunch bitching to the team in the Engine Department about how big of an ass Kirk was for practically firing her from the bridge just because he hadn't gotten his way. She'd yelled and shouted and whined and complained to the four man screw of Ensigns who just watched her work while bitching. They were all too astounded by how efficiently she worked that they put up with her non stop talking.
"Such an idiot, I knew this would have happened eventually. That's why the number one rule of the workplace is don't get involved with your colleagues; it always gets awkward. But like, what the hell? He's all pissed off and moody because I don't want to tell him about my past, what the fuck is that about? My bad if I'm not jumping at the chance to let my dirty laundry out to dry to someone I've known for a month who may or may not only be after me to get into my pants. Where the hell is the geomatics crystal? Hey! I need a Geomatics crystal" she called to them, turning over her shoulder as she watched the four ensigns scramble to the spare parts table, one coming back a second later with a small blue crystal in his hand, a huge smile on his face.
"Thanks. It's just so unbelievable that he's mad. I mean, I'm the one who's probably getting played, I'm the one who he pushed for information. You don't see me firing him from the bridge now do you" she said, taking the crystal before returning back to her work, continuing to repair the coil.
"That's because you can't do that" one of the Ensigns said, chipping in for the first time.
"That's totally besides the point. What time is it anyways, I'm starving" she noted, dropping her tools on the floor as she unbelted the tool belt around her waist, striding over to the as her eyes went to the clock.
"Dinner, great" she noted, bitterly walking out of the Engine Department as she headed towards the lift, not feeling any better than when she'd left the bridge hours ago despite having enough time to cool off.
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"Will anyone be joining you for dinner?"
She looked up from her plate, her fork busy making mashed potato mounds instead of shovelling the food into her mouth. Her eyes landed on Spock, his face as stern and retracted as always before shaking her head, her attention going back to her food.
"I heard you and Captain Kirk got in an altercation" Spock said after a few seconds of silence, drawing Kristen's attention off of her now cold meal.
"Did Uhura tell you that?" she scoffed, chuckling to herself at the fact that she should have known Nyota wouldn't have been able to keep the fight a secret.
"No, actually. The Captain did" he replied back a second later, his face remaining emotionless.
"He told you that we got in a fight?" she countered surprisingly, unable to hide said surprise off of her face.
"He told both Dr. McCoy and myself early this morning. He was visibly upset when he spoke about the disagreements" Spock informed her, looking up from his meal with steadiness in his eyes.
"Visibly upset" she spat, looking down at her plate as she shook her head in disbelief.
"You do not think the Captain has reason to be mad?" Spock countered, raising one of his diagonal eyebrows ever so slightly as her words intrigued him.
"No, I really don't. He's getting all pissed off because I refuse to tell him about my past. That's bullshit in my opinion" she retorted, giving Spock a look of affirmation as she shook her head, raising one hand up as she physical batted the argument away by swinging it in front of her.
"I believe he is more frustrated with himself than anything else. From what I observed, he is having a very hard time comprehending why you lack the emotional skills necessary to share personal information with him" Spock replied, looking back down at his food, Kristen looking at him aggravatingly. She didn't want Spock's logic putting it into simpler terms than what it was.
"It's just not that easy. You don't just decide to tell someone about you're messed up past. It takes time to build that level of trust" she explained, leaning back in her seat.
"Trust which, I understand, you are not willing to give to him" he countered, giving her the faintest of expectant looks with his eyes.
"Can you blame me?" she scoffed, giving him an even more expectant look.
"During the short time aboard this vessel, I have always known Captain Kirk to be a man of his word" Spock countered this time with confidence, Kristen feeling a peal of jealously as she saw the way Spock was standing up for Kirk.
"Even when it comes to women?" she pried, the expectancy in her eyes withstanding.
"I will admit, when it comes to the female gender Captain Kirk can be...persuasive. But what I said before still remains true; he cares for you. More than I think I have ever seen him care about anyone. It showed very plainly today when he was speaking about you" he explained, continuing to eat as she just sat there, taking in his words.
"How am I suppose to know whether or not he really has feelings for me or if it's all just a big game?" she asked bluntly, blowing out a breath as she ran a hand through her hair, rubbing her eyes tiredly.
"I guess the answer to that comes down to something you are not willing to give. Your trust; in him and in yourself" Spock replied, his focus still on his food.
"In myself?"
"Cadet Shaw, if you trusted yourself and your own convictions we would not be sitting here discussing the matter. But your inability to have confidence in yourself has landed you here" Spock said, looking up with a matter of fact look on his face that was so reassured she almost believed him for a second.
"I trust myself" she said defensively, sitting up in her seat.
"If you trusted yourself Cadet, you would have trusted what you felt for Captain Kirk to have been real and not just a facade presented by him in order to bed you. You would have had confidence in what you were feeling and would not have been swayed by Captain Kirk's illustrious past. But since you lack the emotional ability to have faith in yourself, you are in your present situation" he said straight forwardly, laying it all out for her.
"I've never thought of it that way" she mumbled a minute later, letting it sink in. She'd been doing that a lot lately, never thinking of things certain ways. First the Rome comment, now this. Although she would say she had full confidence in herself, Spock brought up a very valid point. She'd been so quick to blame everything on James that she never really took a step back to think about the larger picture. She should have had confidence in what she was feeling, like Spock had said. She should have trusted herself, if anything. She couldn't let herself down, right?
"Indeed. Do you care for Captain Kirk?" he inquired, looking up from his meal.
"I thought I did. I mean, I think I do. I don't even know what I feel anymore, this is all just so messed up" she muttered, shaking her head as she tried to make sense of it all. She had feelings for Kirk, but she couldn't get let go his playboy past. She didn't trust him and in a way she didn't trust herself. It was all far, far too confusing for her liking.
"Cadet Shaw, may I give you a piece of guidance?" he offered, Kristen looking up hopefully and nodding, hoping he'd be able to make sense of it all.
"There are days where Nyota pushes me to my absolute wits end. And I must imagine there are times where I infuriate her as well. But our relationship survives due to mutual respect and absolute trust in the other. I fear that until you learn to put your trust into someone, you will never experience a true relationship" he said, rising from his spot and leaving her to sit and wallow in her thoughts.
She felt as if someone had just detonated a di-Lithium crystal in her mind, closing her eyes to try and figure everything out. Nothing was as she thought it was, apparently. She was mad; mad at Kirk for being mad at her for no God damn good reason. He was mad that she wouldn't trust him and she was mad that he was mad at her. She didn't trust him and now, she didn't know if she could trust herself. And then there was the whole potential I'm-just-another-notch-in-your-bedpost drama that seemed to dominate her entire existence, the final nail in the coffin of her trust in him. But amidst all this, one thing remained definite. Definite and true.
She had feelings for him, despite everything else. Feelings that she couldn't turn off.
She opened her eyes eventually, surprised to find James directly in her line of fire about twenty feet from her. She was about to draw up the courage to go over and say something when she finally noticed that he wasn't alone. He was sitting with a stunning red head who seemed to be laughing entirely too much at whatever he was saying. She felt something inside of her twinge as she watched them, noticing the smile on his face and the look in his eyes. She knew that smile; he smiled at her that way all the time.
The something inside of her started to twinge painfully as reality set in on what she was watching; the jokes, the smile, her gently touching his arm. She was watching a date, or at least some heavy flirting if she spotted it correctly. They were sitting too close and touching too frequently for it to have been anything else. She could see it in his face. It was around that time when the painful twinge started to creep up to her heart; it began to clench horribly, as if a hand were wrapped tightly around her heart, trying to stop it from beating it.
She knew this feeling. It was the heart wrenching feeling you got when someone close to your let you down. But in her case it was the painful feeling of being proven right all along; James had never had feelings for her. He'd been just using her, trying to get her into bed. All she'd needed before was proof, and now she had it. Proof given in the form of him rising from his chair and helping the redhead out of her's, the pair of them leaving the mess hall together off to do god knows what. She hadn't been out of the picture for longer than twenty four hours and already he was onto someone else.
She hated this feeling. She closed her eyes and punched the table, angry at herself for ever thinking other wise.
She hated this feeling.
((Author's Note: Blarg. I want to apologize for the last few chapters; I've really been stuck and I haven't really known what I wanted to do with the story. But I think I've finally figured something out, something that I know I can write about instead of just sitting down and forcing myself to churn out pages despite my lack of inspiration. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the update! I know the past few chapters haven't quite been up to par but I promise to get it back, you can count on that. Anyways, please review and give me some inspiration because I gotta tell you, you guys. I really need it =] Thanks so much for your on going support!))