If you don't like how I included Thanksgiving, as stated before, that's fine. You don't have to. But I do not want to hear about it.
I want you instead to put aside your biases, and enjoy this super-sized Chapter 20. I love you all to pieces.
Sasuke knew, before he even opened his eyes, that something was very, very wrong.
First off, his neck was stiff from sleeping on the couch again. And Sakura, despite being maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet, had a very dense head and she'd chosen to sleep directly on his collarbone that evening, so his entire body was sore. Nothing a quick hot shower and a few stretches wouldn't fix, though, so why did he have this feeling?
Oh. That's right. The burning smell.
"S'kura," he mumbled groggily.
"Shuddup," she mumbled back, snuggling closer. "I'm tired."
"S'kura, somethin's burnin."
It was like someone had lit a fire underneath her, the way she rocketed off the couch and flung herself into the kitchen. Dazedly, he heard her scrambling around, cussing colorfully, glass breaking (nothing out of the ordinary there, that was how Sakura cooked every single day.) He debated if it was even worth getting off the couch to investigate.
He and Sakura had horrible luck living with one another. It would only make sense that Thanksgiving would be next on the list of inevitable fuck-ups.
It was still early. He had plenty of time to get a workout in, maybe even shower. Their guests (free-loading asshole friends who didn't feel like going home for the holidays) would be arriving around 1:30, with the meal to be served at 2:00. When he questioned Sakura the night before about why Thanksgiving dinner was served so early, she merely glared at him from her carrot slicing and told him to mind his own beeswax. But that left plenty of time to fix whatever culinary disaster was happening in the kitchen, right?
A strange scratching noise coming from the hallway caught his attention. He chalked it up to post-traumatic stress disorder caused by the squirrel incident a few months ago, but whenever he heard anything that resembled a squirrel roaming free in his apartment, his heartrate picked up a bit.
There's no way, he thought, dismissing his momentary panic as fear-induced nonsense. They caught that little fucker. No way it would come back here. I'm being a pussy.
"I'm going to the gym," he called to Sakura, determined to work out until he wasn't feeling like so much of a pansy.
"Okay, Sasuke!" she called back, with a panicky laugh. "Okay, have a great time! Take your time!"
He frowned in suspicion and stood up off the sofa, stomping into the kitchen to see what was going on. "What do you mean, take my time?"
She stopped him at the door, waving her hands frantically so he wouldn't see what was happening in the kitchen. "I mean…I mean you've been looking a bit…um, obese lately, Sasuke. And it's not healthy, really it's not, not with all the mountains of meat you're gonna eat today. So you should go to the gym. And you should work out for two hours, maybe three, so you lose weight."
"Are you saying I'm fat?" he demanded.
"Yes I am," she replied quickly. "Very, very gross, so you should go to the gym now. Oh and spend as much time as you can there, because I can't have you scaring away our guests with your big body."
Sasuke wasn't sure exactly why she was ushering him out the door with some fake-ass excuse (he knew as well as anybody did that he was completely and entirely jacked, and he knew that Sakura was more than aware of that, too) but he guessed that he didn't want to know. Whatever was happening in the kitchen had to be nothing more than ridiculous if Sakura was trying to hide it from him. And on his first Thanksgiving in more than a decade with a makeshift family, the last thing he wanted was for anything major to go wrong. He'd give Sakura a chance to fix whatever she'd ruined.
Oh, and make her pay double later for calling him fat.
"Hn. I'll be back in an hour."
"No you'll need more time than that."
"Don't push it, Sakura."
Once Sasuke was safely out the door on the way to the gym, Sakura proceeded to hyperventilate.
This is AWFUL, she thought, panicking as she paced back and forth in the kitchen, entirely unaware of how to proceed. This is literally the worst thing that could have happened. Why am I so STUPID? Why did I allow that poor dead bird to be brought into my apartment in the first place? Why did I let INO AND SASUKE cook it once it was here?
Sitting innocuously on the counter, issuing copious amounts of black smoke, was the tiniest, ugliest, blackest, burntest turkey she had ever seen.
Poking the charred remains of a once-massive holiday turkey with a fork, she wanted to cry. They left the heat on too high, she thought in horror. I can't serve this, I'd be the laughingstock of everyone in the universe. Not to mention my guests would choke on it and die. And everything's CLOSED on Thanksgiving, and…
Focus, Sakura! You're a very, very smart girl. You can do this. You can figure this out. This is nothing. Okay. Think. How can we salvage this horrific turkey?
An oddly familiar scratching noise from the hallway interrupted her thoughts. Irritated, she slammed the kitchen door shut and returned to her thinking.
Wait, I got it! I can ask Kiba! Kurenai's Diner is still open today, maybe he can run over and grab something from work!
Quickly, she ripped her cell phone from her purse and called Kiba. He answered groggily on the last ring.
"H'llo?"
"Kiba! Kiba it's Sakura, listen to me, this is important, this is so important!"
"Whazwrong."
"It's the turkey!" she cried in despair. "Your dumbass girlfriend left the heat on too high and it scorched the damn thing. I need you to go get turkey. Pronto. ASAP. PDQ!"
"I don't think Dairy Queen's open on Thanksgiving."
"What? No, not DQ, you imbecile! Focus! I need you to go to Kurenai's, and buy one of her turkeys off of her."
"I don't think she'd sell them…"
"Then steal one, you idiot! Or Thanksgiving will be ruined! And it's all that slutty girlfriend of yours' fault!"
"Okay, okay!"
Breathing hard, Sakura hung up and glared at the still-smoking embers of the worst ever turkey. "You bastard," she hissed. "This is why I don't eat meat. It ruins your life the second it has an opportunity."
With that she threw the damn thing in the trashcan and got to work on her vegetables. Nice, innocent, friendly vegetables that never hurt anybody.
The scratching sound got louder, but Sakura was too busy to notice.
When Sasuke returned from the gym later, he expected to find his apartment burned to the ground. Instead, he was greeted with the pleasant surprise of nearly every single thing Sakura was cooking the night before laid out on the borrowed card tables in warmers. It smelled amazing. There was corn on the cob, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, stuffing, filling, carrots, peas, fresh-baked dinner rolls, and an array of desserts next to an array of bottles of alcohol.
Not bad, for two hours. He was impressed.
The only thing missing was the turkey.
"Hey!" Sakura said with a relieved smile. She was clearly in the middle of getting ready; her hair wasn't dry yet and she had a mascara wand in one hand and a hairbrush in the other as she fluttered around the apartment. "Hurry up, get a shower, everyone will be here soon!"
There was none of the terrible stress on her face that had been there when he first left, which he felt was a good sign. Perhaps leaving Sakura to her own devices when things were going wrong, rather than trying to find out for himself exactly what those things were, was a good idea.
But where was that fucking turkey?
"Hurry!" she yelled. "You're all sweaty and gross!"
Sasuke had just enough time to shower and change into something Sakura deemed presentable (jeans and a button-down) before the guests started filtering in.
First came Naruto, naturally, wearing a sweater with a turkey on it and the biggest shit-eating grin he'd ever seen in his life. Sasuke knew exactly why the little jerk looked so pleased with himself: he was getting a free meal, unlimited use of Sasuke's flat-screen, and none of the clean-up.
"Hey, Sasuke!" he said cheerfully. "I woulda brought somethin but I didn't feel like it."
"Asshole," Sasuke muttered, while Sakura, dressed impeccably in a sweaterdress and tights rushed to the door with a happy smile for Naruto that Sasuke knew he didn't deserve.
"Hi, Naruto!" she said happily, kissing him on the cheek. "Hope you're hungry!"
"Never a problem, Sakura!" he laughed.
After Naruto came Neji and his cousin Hinata, who had the decency to bring a pie. But Sasuke wondered why the hell, of all the pies at the store, they decided on pecan. He considered turning them away until they came back with a pie people actually wanted to ingest, but of course Sakura was playing charming hostess, and accepted the pie with a happy 'thank you.'
Karin and Suigetsu arrived next with a caramel cheesecake. Sasuke figured that was an acceptable thing to bring to his apartment for the holidays, and allowed them inside without so much as a glare.
Tenten arrived on her own with a camera (to immortalize this wonderful holiday) followed closely by Chouji (whom Sasuke did not remember inviting, at all) and Shino (whom Sasuke did not remember, period.) Then, came Shikamaru, Chouji's best friend, along with Sai, a creepy kid Sasuke would not have permitted into his apartment under any circumstances, and Lee, one of Neji's friends who had a pretty terrifying obsession with Sakura and Spandex.
Realizing what was going on, he cast a nervous glance at Sakura, whose smile was frozen as she stared back in horror.
More people are coming than expected, Sasuke realized, his eyes shooting to the food set up in the living room, food that once looked like it might be more than enough to feed everyone in their party, was now looking particularly scarce.
The doorbell rang again, and Sasuke answered the door to find three girls he briefly recognized as Sakura's coworkers standing in the threshold.
"Hey, Sasukeee," one of them cooed.
"Do I know you?" he snapped rudely.
"Oh, hell no," Sakura chimed in, seeing who had arrived. Apparently her charming hostess streak only extended so far. "Hell no. Fuck outta here, you thirsty bitches. Fuck outta here."
Without another word, she slammed the door shut, muttering under her breath, "Where is Kiba?"
"Is this gonna be a problem?" Sasuke asked her quietly, both of them looking into the overcrowded living room. People were already fighting over seats; Naruto was crying on the floor, having been forcibly ejected from his spot on the sofa by a no-nonsense Shikamaru.
"Um…no!" Sakura said, with a smile that convinced nobody, least of all Sasuke. "Nope! It's gonna be a perfect Thanksgiving, don't you worry! Once Kiba and Ino get here, we can start, and it'll be fine!"
Another knock came at the door, and Sakura bit her lip before answering.
It wasn't Kiba. Instead, of all people, Kakashi showed up with his face mask on and a tiny book in his hand.
"Hello," he said pleasantly, sidestepping Sasuke and entering the apartment. "Iruka's coming as well, he's waiting on the…"
"You cheap, freeloading…"
"Sasuke, shut up!" Sakura hissed. "He'll evict us if we don't let him stay!"
Before he could shut the door on anymore unwanted guests, the tall blonde woman who was mentoring Sakura (and who'd allowed him to be unwelcomingly probed and prodded by her after the squirrel fiasco) appeared out of nowhere, with a pet pig on a leash and her harassed-looking assistant in tow.
"Hello, Uchiha, Happy Thanksgiving," Dr. Tsunade said in her booming voice. "Ah, Sakura, so nice of you to invite us!"
Sakura's smile couldn't have been more forced.
"I'm…very glad you could make it!" she replied, hugging her teacher and the brunette she'd brought with her.
Once the two women were inside, she hissed to Sasuke, "It's very possible, that instead of just inviting the people we meant to invite, I emailed a mass invitation to everyone on my email contacts list."
"Sakura," Sasuke hissed. "No wonder all these people are coming!"
She looked mortified, blushing with embarrassment. "I know," she moaned. "But I can't very well kick them out, can I? It doesn't look like they made any contingency plans for Thanksgiving."
"Well, we're gonna need some more food," she groaned. "The only thing we have to make left over is all my vegetarian shit…"
"Then get started," Sasuke muttered. "Make some eggs or something. Do we have enough turkey, at least?"
"Um…about the turkey…"
Here we go, thought Sasuke with a sigh.
"You burned it last night," Sakura said flatly. "It's utterly destroyed. You guys left the heat on too high, and now it's a black, sooty pile of ass. So Kiba's bringing us another turkey from Kurenai's."
"Black. Sooty. Pile. Of. Ass?" he echoed.
"There's no time to fight about this!" she said, clearly stressed. "I'm gonna start making some more food, just…just try and keep everybody entertained in the meantime!"
The fun didn't end there. Sasuke opened the door to a set of siblings he'd never seen before: a redhead with a tattoo, a blonde with four pigtails who kept demanding to see Shikamaru, and a brunette in a hoodie who kept demanding to see Ino so they could work things out. After the Sabakus were all situated, in came Juugo, Sakura's lab partner and Suigetsu's best friend, and the Morino brothers; Ibiki was one of Sakura's teaching assistants, and his younger brother Idate, one of the best runners on their university track team, was one of her many admirers. Sasuke spared him a glare as he strutted inside like he owned the place, but didn't have time to throw him out before Sakura's boss Kurenai, arrived with an infant in her arms and her husband (Sakura's tennis coach) in tow.
This is unbelievable, he thought, thinking of all the property violations they were committing by having so many people over at once, but at least they wouldn't face eviction, since their landlord was among the crowd. He was about five seconds from locking the door when Kiba and Ino finally arrived with a giant box that had to be the turkey.
They were maybe the only guests he was comfortable allowing inside, because of their gift of holiday bird.
He locked the door after that, then took a good hard look at his living room.
Packed to bursting, wall to wall with people he'd met and begrudgingly befriended since coming to Konoha University, Sasuke thought, Well, I always wanted a family Thanksgiving.
Be careful what you wish for, I guess.
This is a NIGHTMARE, Sakura thought, groaning as yet another droplet of hot oil hit her square in the face from the frypan. My turkey is burnt, my apartment is full, and I am making bacon for Thanksgiving.
How had everything gone so wrong? She sent an email invitation to nine people: Kiba, Ino, Shikamaru, Karin, Suigetsu, Tenten, Neji, Hinata, and Naruto. But apparently that wasn't true; she must've accidentally made it a public notification, which meant that every single person on her contacts list received an invitation to their tiny two-bedroom apartment with the promise of delicious food.
An innocent mistake, of course, but one with potentially catastrophic consequences. She'd made enough food for eleven people, but she could still hear everyone continuing to filter inside. Including her coach. And her teacher and her landlord and her boss and…
"SAKURA!" Ino shouted from the kitchen doorway.
"Oh thank Christ you're here," Sakura exhaled in relief. "Where's the turkey?"
"Where's the turkey? Is that all you care about?"
"Ino this is a national emergency!" Sakura hissed. "Give me the goddamn turkey, or do you not see everyone out in the living room?!"
"I DO see everyone out in the living room!" Ino snapped. "The problem is I see everyone out in the living room! How could you do that to me? We're supposed to be friends!"
"What are you talking about?"
"KANKUROU! You invited my ex-boyfriend to Thanksgiving?! What's wrong with you?"
Sakura blinked before cussing colorfully under her breath. "Bitchass motherfucker," she groaned. "Ino, I swear it was an accident! I was only supposed to have like, ten people over but I fucked up, I sent an invite to everyone in my contacts list by mistake! I swear I didn't mean to, and I damn sure didn't think he'd come all the way from Suna just to…"
"Here's the turkey!" Kiba declared triumphantly, a heavy box in his hands as he joined them in the kitchen, setting it on the overcrowded counter. "Wow, Sak, that's a hell of a lot of Fruit Loops…hey, what's wrong with you two? The big hero's here with the turkey!"
"Sorry, Kiba," Sakura sighed heavily. "I fucked up the invite list, and Ino's ex-boyfriend showed up here. Thanks for the turkey, you're a lifesaver."
"Wait, your ex-boyfriend's here?" Kiba rounded on his girlfriend, brown eyes angry. "That dickhead who kept messing you around? I'll beat the shit out of him."
"No you won't," Sakura said harshly. "This is Thanksgiving, you'll leave it alone!"
"The hell he will!" Ino snapped. "You're fuckin right you're gonna beat the shit out of him, Kiba! Assert your masculinity!"
"Ino, there can't be any fighting today!" Sakura exploded. "Don't you see what I'm going through trying to get everything perf…oh my Christ. Oh God, Kiba. You can't be serious."
She had just opened the lid to the heavy box, expecting to find a scrumptious, thoroughly-cooked, glistening golden turkey waiting for her.
Instead, inside the box was thirty pounds of…
"You got me deli meat," Sakura whispered. "I asked for turkey, and you bring me…"
"Hey, it's turkey, ain't it?" Kiba asked, blissfully unaware of how badly he'd ruined everything. "You didn't specify which kind you wanted."
"You think I wanted sliced turkey deli meat on Thanksgiving?!"
"Can we talk about this a little later, Sak? I gotta go beat Kankuree's face in to defend the honor of my woman."
With that, he stomped out of the kitchen, and Sakura burst into tears.
Any irritation Ino had been feeling towards her best friend thoroughly evaporated, and in a rush of blonde hair and cloying perfume, she was seized up in a tight hug.
"Sakura, don't cry!" Ino said quickly. "It's okay, everything's gonna be fine."
"All I wanted was t-to give S-Sasuke a p-p-perfect Thanksgiving," Sakura whimpered, feeling pathetic as she sobbed into Ino's dress. "But I r-r-ruined everything! I invited everyone by accident, including your ex-boyfriend, and now he and Kiba are g-g-gonna fight, and the turkey's b-burnt and I have thirty p-p-pounds of deli meat to serve as the c-c-centerpiece and I don't even eat meat and I don't have enough f-f-f-food for everyone, I barely have enough for N-Naruto and Chouji, so I'm making cereal and b-bacon and and and…WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?"
The door banged open and in stepped Iruka, the maintenance man.
"Turkey's here!" he declared happily, a gigantic cooked bird on a silver platter in his hands.
Sakura's jaw dropped.
"You…you made a turkey?" she gasped.
"That's why I'm late," Iruka said. "This thing took forever to cook all the way through. But I figured you might need a back-up, what with all these people you're having."
"I could just kiss you," Sakura said reverently. "Our first turkey is a burnt pile of suck, and Kiba brought me thirty pounds of turkey deli meat like that's gonna help out at all, but here you come, with this glorious meaty turkey I won't eat because I only like vegetables, and…"
"See, Forehead?" Ino said cheerfully. "Everything will work out. Now we have a perfect turkey, and…"
Iruka chose that moment to slip on a handful of spilled Fruit Loops and drop the turkey directly into the soapy dishwater.
Sakura, fuming, turned to Ino and hissed, "You were saying?"
By Sasuke's count, he and Sakura were playing host to a total of 26 people, and one pig. Well, 24 people, one actual pig, and two pig-like humans in Naruto and Chouji. But seeing Kiba and Iruka swing inside, both carrying big fat turkeys, he figured they would be all right. At least he'd get some of the Thanksgiving feast Sakura was preparing.
But they simply did not have enough food to go around. Even with all the Cream of Wheat she was whipping up like a maniac out in the kitchen, there just wouldn't be enough for everyone.
He was pissed. He was frustrated. But he was also very, very guilty.
She went to all this trouble for me, he thought glumly, glaring at his chatty company in naked fury. So I could have a nice Thanksgiving. And they come and cock it all up.
The thing with the email invite list was an easy mistake to make, but it was looking more and more like a fatal one. Really, he would have been plenty happy to just have a nice dinner with Sakura. Maybe Naruto, too, since he would insist on coming, but it didn't need to be anything big.
I barely even helped her cook, he thought, looking back on his early morning gym run and his late-night drinking binge with regret. In fact, the only thing I DID cook was that fucking turkey.
What could he do, to show his gratitude for all the work Sakura was putting into this Godforsaken holiday?
Suddenly, he stiffened. From his standing position in the living room, he couldn't help but feel like he was being…watched, somehow. That scratching sound from the hallway was sounding louder than ever, and PTSD or not, he needed to investigate.
I won't live in fear in my own goddamn apartment, he thought, sneaking away from his loud-ass company to check what was going on. And this Thanksgiving is seconds from falling apart entirely. Like hell will it be because of my paranoia.
He wasn't necessarily expecting to find a squirrel. He hadn't had any trouble with squirrels since the night of the fiasco. Things had been quiet.
Too quiet.
Suspiciously quiet, like the calm before a storm.
No one noticed him sneak away from the (nightmare) throng of people, surreptitiously arming himself with a baseball bat as he did so.
Sakura approached many things in her life like they were missions. Like she was a secret agent ninja-type a la Lara Croft. And one of the first things you learn about when taking up the Tomb Raider mantle is to abandon ship while you still can.
Unfortunately, Sakura never really quite grasped that lesson.
The smart thing to do would be to just explain what had happened. Her friends were understanding people, no one would really be upset, right?
…
Okay, so that plan was thrown out the second she thought of it. It was too late for anything but a pulled-right-out-of-her-ass holiday emergency recovery.
She threw Ino and Iruka out of the kitchen after the third attempt at having a nice turkey sunk underneath dirty dishwater with a disgusting gurgle. If I didn't hate meat before this, she thought furiously, I sure as hell do now.
She seized Kiba's stash of deli meat from out of the box, and began arranging it neatly on the silver platter Iruka's turkey had flown out of. It looked absolutely horrific, but her asshole friends would just have to suck it up. If they wanted hot turkey, they knew how to use a microwave.
Pleasepleaseplease don't hate me for this, Sasuke, she thought with a groan, as she lifted up the massive platter of sliced deli turkey and called out, "Time to eat, everybody!"
She swung the door open and headed out to the living room, and it was then, over the noise of her talkative guests, that she heard Sasuke's warning shout from the hallway.
"IT'S BACK!" came his frightening bellow; Sasuke almost never raised his voice, so to hear him shout had the baby hairs on the back of her neck standing on end in full-on alarm. "SAKURA! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!"
Everyone fell silent, their attention caught by the ruckus Sasuke was making in the hallway. Sakura's eyes widened as she heard that same scratchy sound from earlier, getting louder and louder and…
"NOOOOO!" she screamed, as what, of all things, but the same fucking squirrel from all those months ago sprinted out of the hallway directly into the living room. It ignored her thirty-some guests, all of whom let out shrieks and hollers of shock and horror and were scrambling out of its way. It ignored the simmering feast stacked up on the card tables. It ignored a white-faced Sasuke chasing it with his high school baseball bat.
It ignored everything, and made eye contact with Sakura. Its hackles rose, and it took a soaring leap from over the sofa…
Landing directly on the deli meat platter she was carrying.
"THIS ENDS HERE!" Sasuke roared, while she eyed her imminent destruction in numb terror. Fearlessly, the squirrel bared its buck teeth at her, just as Sasuke sprinted back into the living room, swinging his bat. "Sakura, hold still!"
She registered in a split second what Sasuke meant to do. With a shriek of terror, she threw the meat platter – squirrel and all – as far as she could away from her body. Sasuke's swing missed her by inches; the squirrel let out a bloodcurdling screech as it flew, airborne, right towards the card tables set up with food. There was a horrible CRASH, as every single thing Sakura had cooked over the past two days was struck by thirty pounds of sliced turkey and three pounds of hairy terror. The card tables buckled and the legs snapped, sending everything – every plump dinner roll, every golden ear of corn, every slice of cold cranberry – crashing onto the carpet.
Sakura let out a yelp of anguish and took a diving leap for her ruined feast, slipping on an upended bowl of mashed potatoes and flying directly into the mess, like a stressed-out, pink-haired missile.
Everyone in the room gasped, as Sakura stood up, fuming, breathing heavily, her dress ruined, her hair covered in gravy, her face splattered with butter and potatoes. There was a heavy silence, as she faced the squirrel that put the nail in the coffin of her Perfect Fucking Thanksgiving, and then she released a snarl that sounded more animal than human.
"You," she thundered, pointing at it; it stood on its hindlegs on top of the deli meat, thoroughly unhurt and clearly pleased with itself. "You. Fucking. ASSHOLE!"
She reached for it, hellbent on snapping its neck, when she was seized from behind by Sasuke.
"Watch it!" he snapped. "You'll get blood on the carpet!"
This was all his fault, she realized, eyes widening with the revelation.
"YOU!" she roared. "YOU WERE GONNA SMASH MY HEAD IN A SECOND AGO JUST TO GET THAT FUCKING SQUIRREL!"
"Sakura, calm do-"
"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, LOOK AT MY APARTMENT! LOOK AT THIS!"
He was holding her too tightly for her to get a good swing in, she instead, she looked around desperately for something to hit him with. She dug her hand into what remained of the cranberry sauce and let it fly behind her.
It hit him square in the face, and in the moment's confusion, he released her, staggering backwards.
For a moment, she was so shocked at what she had done that she just stood there, forgetting the squirrel entirely.
Sasuke's expression was priceless. Absolutely beautiful. Gorgeous face dripping with fuschia-colored cranberry sauce and numb shock, he just stared at her, before his eyes narrowed with the promise of retribution.
"Overdramatic little bitch," he snarled. "You just stay right there."
"Where are you going?" she demanded, petrified but trying not to show it.
"I'm gonna get a hot dog."
"What do you need a hot dog for?"
"I told myself the next time you pissed me off, I was gonna hold you down and make you eat hot dogs. Just stay right there."
"SASUKE NO!"
"Sakura!" Ino shouted. "Behind you!"
She whirled around, eyes wide, and saw that the squirrel was making its next move. Right towards the window.
"No!" she yelled. "This ends today! I will not live in fear anymore! Someone catch that shit and kill it!"
With that, she seized a glob of creamed corn from off her perfectly-vacuumed carpet and hurled it at the squirrel.
It moved at the last second, and the creamed corn splattered instead directly into the face of Naruto Uzumaki.
Unlike Sasuke, who was calm and rational and all the more terrifying about his revenge, Naruto never once stopped to think that it was an accident, or that he shouldn't retaliate. Instead, he roared, "IT'S ON NOW!" and snatched the salad dressing, fully intent on squirting it at Sakura.
She let out a shriek and ducked behind the sofa, as Catalina dressing sprayed all over the clothes and faces of her other horrified guests, soaking into her ponytail as she flung herself out of the way. Ino caught a faceful and let out a hellish scream, rounding on Kankurou.
"YOU RUINED MY BEST FRIEND'S THANKSGIVING!" she bellowed. "AND MY WHOLE LIFE! KIBA, SIC HIM!"
Kiba, apparently, needed no more invitation than that. On all fours, he soared over the upended card tables and tackled Kankurou around the waist, both of them crashing backwards into the sofa.
Kakashi chose that moment to smile at everyone and say, "Thanks for the lovely time!" before hastily leaving. He was quickly followed by Kurenai, Coach Asuma, and their baby, just as Sasuke returned with a packet of uncooked hot dogs and hellfire in his eyes.
What followed can only be described as pure chaos.
Sasuke chased Sakura around their wrecked apartment, determined to make her eat hot dogs while she screamed and cried and dodged him; every scrap of the food Sakura slaved over for the last two days found its way into the 30-man food fight; Karin and Suigetsu were apparently so turned on by all the chaos that they retreated to Sakura's bedroom to take care of the problem; Tonton chased the squirrel right out the window while Tsunade got into the alcohol; Ino demanded a manlier fistfight from her ex-boyfriend and her current boyfriend while sobbing about her dressing-soaked hair.
A complete and utter disaster.
It was with a grim resolution that Sasuke chased down his roommate.
Just because things went wrong didn't give her the right to throw cranberry sauce in his face. She had to learn that for every action, there was an equal and opposite reaction.
In other words, he was going to sit on her and make her eat hot dogs till she choked.
She was craftier than he gave her credit for. Always climbing on top of furniture and sneaking away from him whenever he thought he had her. They didn't have a very big place, but it was full of so many people that whenever he thought he could grab her by her potato-drenched ponytail, she ducked between somebody else. Food was flying through the air, smacking into the TV, on all the pictures, the tables, the walls, soaking into the carpet. It was madness of an unholy degree.
"Sasuke don't!" Sakura shrieked, when he'd chased her into her bathroom. She hopped up onto the toilet seat like she was avoiding a sneaky rat running across the floor. "Sasuke stop! Don't you dare, you put those hot dogs down right this instant!"
Sasuke ignored her. He would concede that she made a hilarious picture, covered head to toe in Thanksgiving food and standing on a toilet seat, but now wasn't the time to laugh at her. He set the hot dogs on her sink, knocking aside a bottle of cinnamon mouthwash, a lime green toothbrush and an array of makeup to make room for them, and reached out, seizing his slippery roommate by the waist.
She twisted and writhed and shrieked and hollered, flailing her legs around while he tried to put her back on the floor. Her foot hit the lightswitch, plunging them both into darkness, and now, thrown off-kilter, blinded by darkness, and laden down with a twitchy, spastic little skank, Sasuke stumbled over the rim of the bathtub and landed inside. Sakura, still screaming, reached out desperately and ripped down the shower curtain, landing hard on his lap.
"Damn it, Sakura!" Sasuke shouted, trying to right himself; not paying attention and unable to see even if he was, he reached for what he thought was the spigot but was actually the faucet. Ice cold water exploded from the showerhead, drenching them both instantly.
"You idiot!" Sakura howled, as water soaked right through her potato-splattered sweaterdress. "You ruined everything!"
"I did not!" he protested. "Just…"
"No you didn't, I ruined everything!"
Now really wasn't the time to discuss things, but Sakura's weight pinned him in place and she seemed to be on the verge of an emotional breakdown. "What do you mean, you ruined everything?" he demanded.
Sakura twisted around to look at him with big green eyes full of big wet tears, and he froze, his determination to forcefeed her her last favorite food melting instantly. He resented how much control she had over him, but couldn't do anything to take it back.
"I w-w-wanted to give you a p-perfect Th-Thanksgiving!" she sobbed, tears falling at last. "So I m-manipulated y-you into having it h-h-here because I w-wanted everyone to b-be together. But I can't c-c-cook turkey and n-neither can you so the f-f-first one got burnt and, and, and I told K-Kiba to get another but he c-c-came back with d-deli meat because he's worthless. Then I-Iruka brought a t-t-turkey just in c-case but it f-f-f-f-f-fell in the dishwater. And I accidentally invited e-e-everybody in K-Konoha and that fucking squirrel got in here and you were gonna hit me with a bat and and Sasuke I'm so sorry!"
With that, she flung her arms around his neck and broke down completely.
"Damn it, Sakura," Sasuke sighed, spitting icy water out of his mouth and wrapping one arm around her for comfort.
She almost killed herself to give me a good Thanksgiving, he thought, touched at her devotion, if not a little stunned by it. And all hell breaks loose.
"Why can't we do anything right?" Sakura groaned into his soaked button-down shirt.
That was a good question.
She chose that moment to adjust herself in his lap, her ass brushing against his…guest of honor. He stiffened at the contact; with their romantic interactions becoming more and more frequent lately, he still wasn't entirely used to them, and Sakura had a nasty habit of catching him offguard. You would think sex would be the last thing on his mind with the pair of them in a dark, freezing wet bathtub covered in food, but…
"Sakura?" a voice called from outside the bathroom. "Are you in there?"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT," Sakura shouted in unearthly tones.
"The cops are here!" Naruto called back cheerfully. "They're asking for the renters to come out please. Something about a noise violation?"
"Of course," Sakura sighed. She climbed off of Sasuke, dripping wet, and stomped out of the bathroom, leaving him where he lay. Furious with Naruto's intervention and every single person currently destroying his apartment, Sasuke reluctantly followed.
Two policemen were waiting in the wrecked living room, every single one of their guests food-splattered and guilty-looking on all sides. Sakura, with remarkable dignity considering how wet she was, the fact that her hair was so badly saturated with Catalina dressing that she looked like a redhead, and the generous amount of Ranch dressing soaking into her tights, strode up to both of them and said stiffly, "My name is Sakura Haruno. I'm one of the renters here. Is there a problem, Officers?"
Sasuke joined her at her side, folding his arms like he wasn't soaked to the bone and his apartment wasn't in a shambles. He avoided the eyes of all of their asshole Thanksgiving dinner guests and merely eyed the cops expectantly, like they were there to sell something, rather than to arrest them.
The cops just stared back, apparently too stunned by the sight of the absolutely annihilated living room and the food-covered guests to think clearly. Finally the older one mumbled out, "We've been getting several complaints from your neighbors. Said they heard what sounded like domestic violence?"
Sasuke thought back to the way he'd nearly taken Sakura's head off with a baseball bat trying to kill a squirrel in her arms, then to the cranberry sauce facial she'd given him, then to the wrestling match in the bathroom where he'd had all the intention in the world of feeding her bad meat until she choked to death…
"No, sir," Sakura replied. "Just a…really awesome dinner party."
"I see," the officer said, his eyes narrowing. "You look a little familiar, young lady."
Sakura stiffened beside him.
"Matter of fact…there was a girl who looked an awful lot like you we almost nailed for underage drinking at a party awhile back."
"Who, me?" Sakura squeaked. "I never drink. No way. I'm a premed major, Dr. Tsunade's my teacher, she can vouch for me!"
Idiot, Sasuke thought. Everyone knew Tsunade was an alcoholic and absolutely the worst possible person to speak on Sakura's behalf.
"Nah, that ain't right, Kotetsu," the other officer said, laughing. "That girl, the one you're talking about, the one who screamed shit like, 'I am the law?' Nah, she had pink hair. This one's a redhead."
No one said a word, and Sasuke wondered if sheer luck, Sakura's pink hair dyed a temporary fire engine red by the dressing, was going to save them from being hauled off to jail.
Kotetsu didn't look entirely convinced, but he sighed.
"All right, looks like everything's…er…fine. Just keep it down, folks. You aren't the only ones who want to have a good time today. Any problems, give us a call. Let's go, Raidou."
"Yes, thank you, Officers," Sakura said stiffly.
"There won't be anymore trouble," Sasuke mumbled.
"Thanks for coming, cops!" Naruto said cheerfully.
The cops, still shaking their heads, left the apartment, followed by a ringing silence. Sakura was quiet, thoughtful for a few seconds, before she said, "I have a lot of cereal in the kitchen if anyone is hungry. And some bacon."
They had enough floor space for all of their honored guests, just enough Styrofoam disposable bowls and plastic silverware to go around, and a decent-sized TV so they could all watch football.
Sakura decided to worry about the clean-up later, and tuck into a bowl of Cheerios in between Naruto and Sasuke. Not one single word was spoken about the ruined dinner, the squirrel, the police, or anything else besides football, for that matter.
Sasuke just smirked into his cereal, washed a bite down with a swig of vodka. There weren't many girls who would do everything for him (or at least, attempt to do everything for him) that Sakura had done today. Not many girls willing to risk imprisonment just to give him a happy holiday.
Not many girls who looked cute as a button with dressing-dyed hair and a sweaterdress full of gravy.
Surrounded by all of his friends, laughing and arguing and cheering for Konoha's pro football team, passing around liquor and milk and cereal boxes, and enjoying each other's company, Sasuke could safely say that for all the nonsense and fuckery that had occurred here today…
This was the best Thanksgiving. Ever.
note.. here you go :) thank you all so, so much for all the wonderful feedback. you guys know by now that i only write for fun, i'm not looking to improve (despite all the thousand ways i can get better), i just write for my enjoyment and hopefully yours as well. so i appreciate you all respecting that about me. and i hopehopehope you enjoyed thanksgiving at c-17, because i had a good time writing it.
see you soon!
xoxo daisy :)