Hey guys, just to let you know, this is a longer chapter because it deals with a lot of dialogue I couldn't split into multiple chapters. However, if you bear through the mass of writing and get to the end of the chapter, I promise you won't regret it. There's a lot of drama in this section, and a lot of serious matter discussed. If you have a problem with the way it is handled, don't worry, so do I. However, I understand that some people handle subjects like this in matters similar, so I am not exaggerating or creating false attitudes. I am also not trying to encourage behaving and reacting like this in any way. It is wrong to behave as some characters do in the writing below, but it is imperative that I address all forms of the healing process from despair, to anger, and lastly, to forgiveness (sometimes).

Also, if you've read and reviewed, thank you so much! I really couldn't do this without you, you are my motivation to continue with my writing, and my motivation to proceed to attempt to better myself. Thanks again, continue with the good work you've been doing, and I'll continue to grant you more chapters until the story comes to its natural closing.

Lastly, review if you have the time, or so wish. I love to hear your opinions, I do look at every single comment and take into consideration. However, my main goal in writing these fanfictions is to express myself though writing, and encourage people to continue writing and reading. So sit back, and enjoy this next chapter.

Keep Writing

-Reyna

CHAPTER 20: Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down

ARIA'S POV:

I woke up early out of habit, and glanced around drowsily. However I wasn't expecting what I saw when my eyes opened.

Hanna was sitting across the room. Her eyes looked droopy, but she wasn't sleeping. Instead, she appeared anxious, and uneasy.

It's unlike her to be up so early…

I quietly slid out of bed and walked over to the sitting blonde.

"Hanna?" I asked carefully. "What's wrong?"

She moved slowly, obviously tired, and looked up at me. Her eyes were filled with sadness and disbelief.

"Hanna?" I repeated, for she hadn't replied.

She motioned for me to sit next to her on the ground. I agreed, and sat next to her.

"Aria, I'm worried." She said after a while of silence.

"About what?"

"About Spencer." She responded. I sighed.

"I get it, I'm worried too. But you've seen her, and how much better she is already. She'll get there, we just have to have to have faith in her." I explained. Hanna rolled her eyes and sighed.

"What? Do you disagree?" I wasn't sure why she reacted the way she did but I was hoping to find out.

"Aria, I may have found something that challenges your beliefs in our friend." Hanna replied, rather coldly.

"What do you mean? Did…A send you something?" I asked, figuring if anyone was able to do anything to upset Hanna this much, it would be A.

"Yes." She frowned. "I don't know what to think about it, but…I'm worried." She explained.

"What did A send you?" I wondered out loud. Hanna leaned over and handed me her phone.

I glanced down and saw the message A had sent.

And I thought she had promised.

-A

Below it was a picture of Spencer getting dressed. I wasn't bothered by it; we were friends and had seen each other get dressed many times before.

However, what bothered me instead was what was on her. Rough red lines covered her upper thighs. I felt sick to my stomach. Not only had Spencer apparently hurt herself in places other than what we knew, but the photo's date was from recently, meaning that she had broken her promise when she insisted she would stop.

"I-I don't know what to say…" I choked, my worries flooding my thoughts again.

"Me either. That's why I showed you." Hanna mumbled.

"Why would she do this? She knows what it did before, why would she continue?" I asked, not really expecting an answer.

"I have no idea." Hanna pondered.

"Do…do you think we should tell Emily?" She questioned.

"Of course!" I practically screeched. "She needs to know, this is too important to let slide."

Hanna opened her mouth, but paused.

"What?" I demanded, questioning the tired blonde.

Hanna sighed. "I guess I'm just worried about how Emily will react. She…well I think she has feelings for Spencer, and I don't want to worry her. She'll be the most affected by this, and you know it." Hanna pointed out.

I groaned. I hadn't even thought about that. However, I found it amusing that Hanna had seen the chemistry between our two friends as well.

"You do have a point, I've seen the feelings too. Maybe we should leave Emily out of this for now until we talk to Spencer first." I decided.

"Leave me out of what?"

Emily had apparently woken up, and now slid out of bed to join us. She knelt beside us on the floor, and Hanna glanced at me, unsure what to do or say.

"What aren't you telling me? Is it about Spencer? If it is, I demand to know." Emily confirmed, assertively.

She looked over at Hanna, who wasn't making eye contact.

"Hanna? What aren't you telling me?" She questioned. Hanna shrugged and looked up at the ceiling.

"Aria?" She turned to me, her eyes pleading to know what we found out.

I sighed. "Hanna, show Emily your phone." I insisted. Hanna willingly handed it over, realizing that Emily really did have the right to know. Emily sighed and grabbed the device from Hanna's palm. She turned it on, and her hand flew to her mouth.

"Is this real?" She asked, her eyes watering.

Hanna nodded slowly, taking her phone back from the shaken swimmer.

"I'm so sorry Emily, I know how much you love Spencer, and want to help, but she needs something more than we can give her." I explained sadly.

"No, no this can't be real. A… probably photo-shopped it to make her look bad. Spencer wouldn't do that, she promised." Emily stated, getting defensive of her friend.

"We don't know that for sure…" Hanna mentioned. Emily glared at her.

"Spencer's our friend. We can't blame her for doing things she might have never done." Emily snapped.

"Okay, we get it Em. Calm down. The only way we'll know for sure is if we ask Spencer herself." I stepped in, not wanting things to get out of hand.

"Fine." Emily groaned.

"Good morning." Spencer had coincidently woken up and now moved so that she sat with us. We had formed a little circle in the center of Emily's floor.

"Morning Spencer," Emily smiled, her eyes still flaming from the earlier conversation.

Spencer smiled softly and glanced around.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

I started to speak…but Emily butted in.

"Spencer we need you to do something for us." She explained.

Spencer tilted her head in confusion, but nodded.

"Okay…what do you need me to do?" She asked.

"Spencer…we mean nothing bad against you, but we really need you to roll up your sleeves." I asked politely. I figured we'd start with asking her to do that before we asked for anything else.

Spencer looked at us oddly. "Why do you need me to do that?"

SPENCER'S POV:

"Why do you need me to do that?" I asked, unsure of what was going on.

"We just want to check in on you, that's all." Hanna replied.

I sighed, and placed my hands on the edge of my sleeve. Making sure to be careful, I rolled both sides up and revealed the underside of my arms.

The previous marks had faded slightly, and were looking better than before.

"Okay, thank you." Hanna smiled.

"No problem?" I commented. "That was pretty random but I'm happy to oblige." I mentioned.

"Good." Emily stated. "Because now we need you to drop your pants."

EMILY'S POV:

I must admit, having to say that to Spencer was extremely embarrassing, and I'll probably look back on it in disgust, but it was beyond necessary if we were to find out the truth.

"You want me to what?!" She shrieked. "What is wrong with you?" She questioned, absolutely unsure of what's going on.

"Spencer, we just need you to oblige to this, please." Aria begged. "I know it sounds strange, but it's important."

"What's going on." Spencer snapped. She was growing agitated.

"Spencer please, just do it." Hanna pleaded. Spencer glared at her.

"Why?" She demanded.

I sighed. "We…received something from A that concerned us." I explained. Spencer's face fell.

"Are you serious?" She cried.

"Yes we are, so please just do what we asked. That's all." Hanna insisted.

Spencer's face fell, and she grew pale.

"I'm sorry to make you do this Spencer, and it's not that we don't trust you, we just want to make sure A wasn't setting you up." Aria explained. Spencer let out a shaky breath and stood up.

"If you insist…" She muttered.

Spencer placed a hand on her pant line, but paused.

"This is ridiculous." She insisted.

"Spencer please..." Hanna sighed.

Spencer gulped and gently ran her hands down her legs, dragging her fleece pants down with them until they were on the floor.

I felt my face heat up a little bit during the process, but other than that I waited patiently.

Spencer sighed once more, let go of the rim of her pants, and stood up straight.

I gasped. Angry red lines laced her thighs. They were still starting to scab, and most of them still looked raw, as well as decently deep.

"Spencer?" I felt her name leave my tongue in a desperate plea. "Why….why would you do this?" I asked.

"You promised you wouldn't!" Hanna cried. Aria stood up and walked over to Spencer to hug her but Spencer quickly pulled her pants back up and shied away.

"Spencer…" Aria mumbled softly, letting her know she meant no harm. However, Spencer's eyes were dark, and she backed away from all of us.

"I'm sorry." She muttered.

"Sorry doesn't cut it!" I shouted. Aria, Hanna, and Spencer immediately jumped at my sudden tone of voice, and looked at me with wide eyes. I know Aria was the one who broke last time, but I couldn't stand the fact that Spencer had gone behind our backs and done such a thing.

"Why didn't you call us when you needed us?" I cried. "We love you Spencer, but we gave you a chance and you blew it! We trusted you to do your best to get better!" I felt warm tears fall down my cheeks.

"I know." Spencer growled, more irritated than upset. Her change in attitude made me question her, and myself.

"Spencer, do you even understand what you've done?" I shrieked. Hanna walked over and put a hand on my shoulder to tell me to calm down, but I shrugged it off.

"Yes." Spencer replied softly. "I understand."

"Then why? Tell me, why would you do this? Again?!" I demanded.

Spencer looked down at her feet.

"You don't understand, but it's not something I can just stop. I wish it was that simple but it's not. It's addictive, it's what I've done to relieve stress for a long while now. I can't simply stop, and never do it again. Whenever I get anxious, I've tried to do other things, but sometimes the temptation is too strong." She explained.

"Oh…I get it. It's the same as if you're addicted to drugs, or alcohol. Stopping just isn't easy." Aria thought aloud.

"Yeah, exactly. I wish I could have stopped, and I should have told you guys, but I was ashamed that I broke my promise." Spencer sighed.

Aria walked over and hugged Spencer, Hanna following. But I remained where I was, still seething with the idea that she lied to me.

"Emily?" Aria glanced up at me, sympathy in her eyes.

"No! Spencer don't you get it? You aren't on drugs, and you aren't doing alcohol. This isn't the same thing as that!" I replied angrily, unable to see the possibility of this method being addictive.

"Why can't you just accept the fact that we love you and are here for you? Why couldn't you just call us first?!" I cried. I knew I should calm down and lower my voice, but my rage permitted me from doing so.

Spencer's eyes blazed with fury. She was no longer ashamed, but infuriated because I didn't seem to understand her dilemma.

"Look, I know you aren't going to fully understand this, but that doesn't mean you need to say things that aren't in the slightest bit helpful." She snapped. "It is an addiction, and it's not something I can always control. When I get worked up and anxious, my brain thinks for itself, and half the time I don't register what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I'm just numb Emily, numb to the pain, and numb to my emotions."

I rolled my eyes, irritated at her for making the problem seem huge. I understood that what she was doing was wrong, but it didn't need to be so dramatic. "Stop dramatizing the subject!" I groaned. "I know it's a problem, and is serious, but that doesn't mean you go behind our backs because it's 'addictive'."

Spencer sighed. "I know, I should've let you guys know what I was feeling, but it's hard! I'm not used to doing that, and I can't just pick up a new habit in less than a week. It's going to take time for me to get used to opening up to you guys." She argued.

"I understand that, but you didn't even seem to try!" I snapped. "How long has it been since you promised. Three days? You couldn't control yourself for three days? That's pathetic!" I admitted.

"I did try! My brain was just so clouded with anxiety and grief I couldn't think straight. You don't understand what that's like! It's not pathetic! Fighting the temptation is a daily battle that I don't have the energy for." Spencer cried.

"No, I do understand. I felt like I was going to drown when Maya died, but I didn't react like you and hurt myself! I spoke to my friends instead!" I recalled.

Spencer ran her fingers through her hair. "Emily, you don't get it! I'm not you! I am not to be expected to react the same way you did, to expect that of me is unfair! I'm just not used to opening up to people!" Spencer groaned, and I could tell she was frustrated with me.

Aria and Hanna were standing off to the side, unsure what to think.

"Well why don't you try?! Why don't you try opening up to us? What have you felt lately that you didn't tell us about?" I demanded, pressuring her into coming clean about what she really was thinking.

Spencer's eyes grew wide. "I can't do that! It doesn't feel right!" She cried.

"You aren't even trying Spencer." I rolled my eyes at her, clouded by my frustration and worries.

"Fine. You want to know what I really felt?" She snapped. "When I found out Toby was A, I wanted to die. I thought that he betrayed me because he hated me and my friends, and I didn't know what to do. I wondered why he did that, and what I could have possibly done wrong. I didn't understand why he chose to hurt me, and I figured that if he did, I must have been worthless to him. And in terms, that meant I was worthless to myself. When I cut for the first time, I didn't care if I lived to the next day, because I knew that he hated me, and if he did, then you guys probably did too, as well as my family. I know now that I was wrong, but that's what I felt." Spencer let out a long shaky breath. "Happy?"

I felt my legs grow weak at her confession, but I was still irritated. "Spencer, why couldn't you have just told us that the first time instead of resorting to such destructive methods?"

Spencer rolled her eyes, and marched up to me.

"I told you, I couldn't. At that period in time I thought that if the person I assumed loved me more than anything hated me, then my friends who also cared about me might hate me too and I just didn't realize. I know it was a stupid thing to think, but that's how it started." She snapped, inches away from my face.

"If you knew it was stupid than why did you even think that? Why would you ever just assume that we hate you? That's incredibly stupid!" I cried.

"I know it is! But at the time I couldn't think straight, and didn't realize it was stupid. I was in shock, and in grief." Spencer sighed.

"When I found out Maya was dead, I was in shock and grief too, but that doesn't mean that I handled it the way you did!" I felt the anger I had still flowing through my body, despite the earth shattering confession Spencer had made.

"Stop." Spencer glared at me with more fire than imaginable. At the moment, I was scared shitless by the brunette standing in front of me. "Stop assuming I'm going to act like you. You can't force me, or expect me to act like you would in a situation like that. I'm not you. I'll never be like you. We're two separate people! But if you really think you can tell me how to react to problems, then I don't want anything to do with you." She declared.

I felt my heart stop, as I processed what she said.

"Spencer…" Aria started, but Spencer was already at the door.

I came to my senses and walked after her but she glared at me.

"Leave me the fuck alone." She snapped. Tears had welled in her eyes, but she glanced at the ground. "Friends don't fight like this." She mumbled, before closing the door behind her.

I gasped, and took a step. I stood in shock until the front door closed, where I then fell to my knees, and burst into tears.

What had just happened?