Thanks to those of you who reviewed the last chapter. My interpretation did cause a reaction. I'm glad, it was supposed to! But most of you seemed to like the general idea.

Anyway, now to what I think is the longest chapter of the lot but there is a lot to get through as you can see that it covers 3 episodes. Basically I didn't want to dwell on the angst for too long. I needed to get past it!

Hope you enjoy it.

Disclaimer: it would be amazing if Castle was mine but it isn't and life still goes on.

Chapter 20

The Limey, Headhunters and Undead Again

For the last few weeks Kate had been operating on autopilot. She'd gone to work, done her job, stayed as late as Gates allowed, went home, maybe if she thought it was becoming a necessity, she'd have some food, then bed. Then, next day, she'd simply repeat the process. Although Dr. Burke had suggested the diary would be an excellent way for her to express her feelings, she'd had no desire to write her thoughts down; after all, how many different ways could she say that she was confused; that she had no idea what was actually going on; that she was terrified she was losing the love of her life before she'd ever been able to tell him that fact.

But in the last few days, during their last case, she had finally seen a glimmer of hope; a light at the end of the tunnel that she longed to believe was not that of an oncoming freight train and she found herself drawn back to her diary. In fact, hell, it was way more than a glimmer. It was a fricking floodlight!

The last weeks have been awful. I've just felt Castle pulling further and further away from me, dating blonde bimbos, shadowing another cop but then, just as I thought it was all over, there it was, a spark of hope and suddenly we're communicating again, not like most people do by actually talking things out, but like we've always done, in our own language of sub-text and eye contact.

When the bombing case was over, I invited Lanie round one evening and after a few glasses of wine, she got me to open up about Castle. As always with Lanie, she didn't mince her words although she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know but by the time we were interrupted by a dead body, I'd decided that I was going to tell Castle how I felt the first opportunity I got and, if I'd left it too long, if he'd got tired of waiting, well at least I'd know that I'd given it my best shot.

Sadly, my good intentions were somewhat derailed when Castle roars up to the crime scene in his Ferrari, looking like death himself, with a blonde in the passenger seat. Then, with me looking on, he hands her the car keys and lets her drive off in his pride and joy. We've been partners and friends for years now and I've only ever driven that car once, yet he suddenly just entrusts it to a complete stranger. What the hell? Jacinda, the bimbo, was evidently trustworthy because she's a first class flight attendant that he'd just met on his flight back from a weekend in Vegas. Looking at the state of him, I really had no desire to know what he'd been up to in Sin City. Anyway, any thoughts I may have had about telling Castle how I felt about him were firmly put on hold, if not buried under a hundred tons of concrete.

As always, Castle still managed to have his moments during that particular case, when he could be bothered to turn up; when he wasn't having long lunch breaks with uncomplicated stewardesses. Yes, I'm sorry Castle but I'm a complicated person, our relationship, such as it is, is complicated, I though you accepted that.

We went to pick up a potential suspect and as we entered the hotel room, we were confronted by a rather attractive man, dressed in nothing more than a hotel towel. For the hell of it, I told him to raise his hands (there really wasn't anywhere he could have been hiding a weapon, except the obvious one, of course) and, interestingly, the towel had apparently not been fastened too well. The next thing I knew, Castle's hand was covering my eyes but if he could run around with blonde bimbos, I sure as hell wasn't going to miss the opportunity for a sneak peak and I have to say, the view was not at all unappealing.

As it turned out, the 'suspect' was Inspector Colin Hunt of Scotland Yard and he ended up working the case with us. Colin and I went undercover to a party at the British Consulate. It was a black tie event and I made sure I was suitably dressed for the occasion in a long, strapless black number and, yes, I made sure I got ready at the precinct. Colin had offered to pick me up from home but I had other ideas. I wanted to make certain that Castle saw me dressed up; that he got a good eyeful of what he was missing. Petty, maybe, but effective. As I walked into the bullpen, I could see all the guys staring at me as though I was a total stranger, which I guess I was really but I also saw the look on Castle's face and it gave me slight cause for hope because he was definitely looking and definitely not unaffected.

We caught the bad guy in the end. Oh God, I hate to admit it, but Jacinda, the bimbo, may have helped (very slightly) by identifying a mysterious series of numbers as those referring to diplomatic pouches. I'll skip over the fact that Castle was discussing our case with a stewardess because that thought makes me sick. The case was all about arms smuggling; smuggling Stinger missiles through diplomatic channels to rebels in Uganda.

Colin asked me to join him for a drink before his flight back to London but I still had some unfinished business with Castle so I declined. I really wanted to talk but when I asked Castle if we could have a chat, he said Jacinda had the Ferrari double-parked in a loading zone. They were off on yet another date, four in three days. That was when I got the 'fun and uncomplicated' talk. I'd had a brief opportunity to say something; we looked at each other, I could almost believe for a moment that he wanted me to say something, but then the chance had passed and I'd missed it again. I was losing him and there was nothing I could do about it.

I picked the phone up and called Colin back. If I was going to drown my sorrows, I might as well do it with someone else. We met up but I wasn't very good company. I think he was aware of something between Castle and I, everyone always seems to be and his instincts told him all was not well but he was the perfect gentleman and allowed me to drink in peace, no questions asked. Once his flight was called, we said goodbye and I got a taxi home. I guess it could be said that I was the epitome of a boring date!

I didn't see Castle again for a few days and it was a very pleasant surprise when he turned up at the precinct one morning armed with my usual coffee and we actually managed to exchange pleasantries. Sadly, my happiness lasted all of about five seconds. It appeared that he wasn't there to see me at all but to quiz me about Detective Ethan Slaughter of the gangs division and currently the detective in charge of a severed heads case that was making the news. I think he realised I was uncomfortable with the situation. I was prepping for a trial but I hated the thought of Castle researching another cop. I felt betrayed, I guess; the thought of Castle even thinking about another cop was making me jealous, how sad is that? But a cop like Slaughter, that was bad news – he's bad news. Okay, he gets the job done but at what cost? He has a reputation throughout the city for playing at the very edge of the law; he has more complaints against him for excessive force than anyone else and, worst of all, he has a reputation for getting his partners killed. If Castle was even thinking about following this guy around, he was in trouble and that thought terrified me.

The next time I saw Castle, sure enough, there he was, parading through the 12th with Slaughter and a couple of suspects, having clearly been in amongst the action. He had a piece of bloody tissue sticking out of his nose but he was so pumped up with having been part of the take down; you'd think he'd just been sitting watching me do nothing but paperwork for the past four years.

I needed to do something. My mind was all over the place. I went to see Dr. Burke. He's always been very understanding and has helped me get through so much but this time he seemed, I don't know, amused by the whole situation. In the end, he suggested that Castle was pulling away to protect himself but I needed to know what I was supposed to do about it and he just asked me,

"What do you want to do?"

As if 'what I want to do' will do any good; I could hardly tell him that I want to f*** his brains out so I just gave him the Beckett glare. Thanks, Dr. Burke, you've been a big help!

In the end, I decided that the only thing I could do was to be there if he needed me which, I suspected, was highly likely if he was going to be hanging around with Slaughter for very long. Sure enough, it didn't take long for Castle to catch on and he soon realised he was in way over his head with that guy. The boys and I kept an eye on him from a distance but finally I had to step in. Interfering with another cop's case is frowned upon in the Department but I knew Slaughter wasn't likely to report me. He couldn't afford to because I had far worse on him. Suffice to say, I stood by Castle, watched out for him, behaved as a partner should. It was the only way I had to show I cared. I hope he understood. I think maybe he got it.

Then we had our most recent case and, oh boy, was that right up Castle's street. He was behaving strangely early in the case. He kept making comments that almost sounded as though he was leaving and, frankly, that thought terrified me more than anything that occurred later in our investigation. Yes, I admit it, there were a couple of times during this one, when I was, to say the least, freaked out!

The case should have been easily solved; after all we did have a very clear surveillance camera shot of the killer. Sadly, the killer was a zombie! Or at least, he looked like a zombie and acted like a zombie but zombies don't exist so he could not be a zombie. Imagine Castle's reaction to all this, he was like a kid let loose in a toy store.

We got a lead that took us to an abandoned warehouse. Castle and I went to investigate that evening. We'd taken a look round but there didn't seem to be anything to help us with our investigation but just as we were headed back to the car we heard footsteps running towards us and we were soon confronted by a young couple who looked absolutely terrified. They urged us to run but, naturally, that was the last thing we were going to do. We headed in the direction they'd appeared from. As it turned out, that was not our smartest move as we came face to face with a zombie hoard. There were dozens of them, shuffling towards us, moaning and groaning and before we knew it, we were surrounded by them. I had my gun out but couldn't exactly decide where to point it. Castle wasn't much help either although he did rather gallantly tell me to get behind him, which would have been all well and good had we not been completely surrounded. Finally, I went with my gut and yelled at the top of my voice, although it may have come out as a bit of a squeak to begin with,

"NYPD. Stop moving now! And stop pretending to be zombies!"

That had the desired effect. It turned out they were zombie walking. Yeah, I had no idea what that was all about although it did lead us to identifying our killer zombie. I can't quite believe I just wrote that!

Ryan and Esposito went to pick up Kyle Jennings but found him dead. Castle and I went to the morgue to find what Perlmutter could tell us and that's when I had my second freak out of the case. Jennings's body was on the table while the good doctor and Castle were having a very familiar spat. Just as Perlmutter jabbed the body in the arm with a needle, the eyes shot open, he sat bolt upright and ran out of the room. Once I managed to regain some level of composure, I ran after him. I guess it must have been quite a sight, me chasing after a zombie along the corridors of the medical examiner's building. The chase didn't last too long, though, after all the guy had just been, to all intents and purposes, dead so he ran out of steam pretty quickly.

When we were finally able to talk to Jennings, we discovered he did, in fact, have no recollection whatsoever about anything that had happened. He had been at a zombie walk and then woke up on the autopsy table. He accepted that the 'zombie' in the photograph was indeed him and with one look at his hands, he knew we were telling him the truth about what he'd done. Could he really have no memory of committing murder? It seemed unlikely.

After talking to Kyle Jennings at the hospital, Castle and I were discussing the interview when our conversation took a very interesting turn. All of a sudden we weren't talking about Kyle any more but we both knew the conversation had become personal and Castle said, looking me straight in the eyes,

"When a life altering moment occurs, people remember."

There it was, right out there, front and centre. He knew. I couldn't hide; I couldn't run; I had to respond.

"Well, maybe it's too big to deal with. Maybe he can't face it just yet."

He was listening so carefully, taking in every word, every look, every inflection of my voice trying to understand what I wasn't saying as much as what I was.

"You think he ever will be?"

I knew at that moment my answer could change everything. I had to get it right.

"Hopefully. If he feels safe."

With that, I hoped he understood that I still wanted him to wait for me. The conversation wasn't over. We needed to say more but the arrival of Permutter put paid to that for the time being.

The case was finally over when we tricked Tom Williams into confessing that he had plied Kyle with the 'Zombie Drug' and sent him to kill David Locke who was making a move on Tom's fiancé, Greta. I have to say, Castle made a very cute zombie. He'd dressed up in Kyle's costume for the sting and was still mostly a zombie when we were back at the precinct and able to tell Kyle the good news that he was free to go. Poor Kyle. He'll have a very difficult job getting over that experience, if he ever can. And that led Castle and I to the rest of our conversation. Castle suggested that, for Kyle to put it behind him, he was going to need therapy. There was my chance, the opening I needed.

"It helps."

As soon as I said that, I could see Castle immediately respond. He knew exactly what I was talking about and it wasn't about Kyle anymore.

"At first he won't even be able to deal with it. It's gonna take everything that he's got to just put one foot in front of the other and get through the day."

"I didn't know you were seeing a therapist?"

It was time for honesty.

"Yeah, well, I didn't wanna make any excuses. I just wanted to put in the time and do the work. But I think I'm almost where I wanna be now."

"And where's that?"

He sounded so nervous, when he asked. I hated that I'd made him so unsure.

"In a place where I can finally accept everything that happened that day," and just to be sure he knew exactly what I meant, I said again,

"Everything."

"I think I understand," and I knew he did so I needed to give him more.

"And that wall that I was telling you about, I think it's coming down."

Then he said the words I'd really hoped to hear,

"Well I'd like to be there when it does."

Thank God!

"Yeah, I'd like you to be there, too."

So that's where we stand. I think we're on the same page finally.

Best. Conversation. Ever.

Kate could not suppress her smile as she finally put the diary down. Okay, maybe they still hadn't actually talked about their relationship but Castle now knew where she was; that she was working at it and was very nearly there and , for the first time in many weeks, Kate felt happy, really, really happy.

I could not resist using Stana's blooper quote in this one.

Big finale coming up although it does take a few chapters, I'm afraid. There are 5 more chapters plus an epilogue to this story. I had to include 501, After the Storm because, of course, there is no time gap when Kate could possibly have written up her diary. If you haven't seen the beginning of Season 5 yet, I'll make sure I put a note where you should stop reading and you can just jump from there to the epilogue.