Author's Note: To all my loyal readers: My sincerest apologies for the delay in posting. I know I had only promised one night without an update, but these last few days have been so crazy, I haven't had a chance to sit down and pound this chapter out to do justice to it. Unfortunately, last Friday I lost my job, and I've been spending the last few days trying to find another one. I still don't have one, since my hometown is rather economically depressed at the moment, but I have made some progress, so updates should return to their regularly scheduled times. Again, I just want to apologize for the delay, and I want you to know this story has never been far from my mind, even though my focus has been on finding a new job so I can pay my bills.
Chapter Twenty: Heart to Heart
"Heart speaks to heart in the depths of the darkness"
-Mercedes Lackey "Windrider Unchained"
She woke suddenly, all her attention focused on her surroundings. The room was dark, but with her enhanced senses, she could easily make out the shape of the room's furnishings. The room was empty, except for her and the furniture and monitoring equipment, which had been disconnected after she woke from her coma.
What's going on? she wondered, sitting up in the bed and reaching for the small lamp hanging on the wall above the bed. Snapping it on, she flooded the dark room with light, but nothing had changed from when she had looked around in the darkness. She glanced at the clock next to the bed. The neon display read six a.m.
She was wide awake now, and knew she wouldn't be getting back to sleep tonight. She would normally be up in an hour or so anyway. She couldn't figure out what had woken her though. Tossing the blanket back, she slid her feet to the floor, finding the cheap hospital slippers where she had left them earlier. She stood slowly, making sure she had her balance before taking a step. Fortunately, her Slayer healing had worked wonders on her once she had been broken free from her coma, and she could tell that she was nearly back to normal.
Walking to the door of her room, she poked her head out. The hall was dark and quiet, but her enhanced hearing picked up noises coming from the Professor's room. She hesitated for a minute, and then moved down the hallway, pausing as she reached the open door of the room.
Professor Xavier was still asleep, but it was not a restful sleep. His head tossed fitfully on the pillow, and even in the darkness Buffy could see the gleam of sweat beading on his brow. She hesitated again, and then moved over to the side of the bed. She reached out and laid a hand on the man's shoulder and shook him ever so slightly. "Professor?"
He woke at her light touch and quickly pulled away as far as he could. Breathing heavily, he blinked up at her through the darkness. "Who-?"
"It's all right. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm Buffy, Scott's cousin."
He squinted at her for a moment and then suddenly relaxed. "My apologies, child."
She reached for the lamp and turned it on, blocking the glow with her body so that his eyes could adjust without being blinded. After several moments, she turned back to him, and saw him trying to maneuver into a sitting position. She reached for the controls for the bed and raised the head of it for him, which made the task a little easier.
"Thank you, Buffy."
She smiled. "You're welcome, I guess. Are you all right? You looked like you were having a nightmare."
His smile, when returned was weak, but genuine. "Yes. I was just picking up thoughts from other people around me, and it was rather jumbled and very disturbing, to say the least."
"The disturbing part probably came from me," she admitted. "My dreams are not exactly pleasant most of the time."
"Understandable." He fell quiet for a moment, a look on concentration on his face. "There," he breathed finally. "That's better." His whole body relaxed and he looked much more comfortable. He looked over at her. "It has been so long since I lowered my shields, I was not accustomed to being bombarded by the thoughts of everyone around me."
Buffy just shrugged. She thought she understood the basics of what Jean had tried to explain to them about telepathic shielding, although personally she couldn't see that it made much difference. She shifted her weight slightly, and Xavier noticed. "Please, sit down my dear. I'd like to speak to you, if you don't mind."
"I'm all right."
He smiled wryly. "I do not believe that was what I asked." He nodded towards the chair that he was sure Scott had been camped out in. "Please, sit."
Buffy hesitated for a long moment, but finally stepped over to the chair and took a seat on the edge of it. To Xavier, she looked like she was ready to flee, although why she should be so nervous was beyond his comprehension at the moment. His powers were still too weakened, as were his shields, for him to attempt to ascertain her thoughts with his telepathy. After several minutes of silence, he finally spoke. "Scott speaks very highly of you."
That earned him a wry smile. "Scott doesn't know the half of it."
"Tell me Buffy," he began. "Why do you keep your secret from those who love you?"
Buffy pursed her lips in thought. "You mean Scott and my mom?" When he nodded. "Well, Scott knows now, and in truth, I'm glad he does. But my mom?" She shook her head. "Is it fair to her to know the truth? To watch me go out night after night, trying to get myself killed? Wondering if she will ever see me again?" She sighed. "No. It's better all around if she doesn't know." Her smile was forced when she continued. "Besides, the Slayer fights alone."
"Your friends help you," he pointed out gently.
"They help with the research and the plotting, but when it comes down to it, I'm the Slayer. I'm the one that has to fight." She was quiet as she gazed at her hands. "I'm the only one who can."
Xavier shook his head. "That's not true, Buffy. You may be the Slayer, but that doesn't mean you have to stand alone. Scott will help you if you ask for it, as will I."
She shook her head. "Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for what you and Scott have already done for me. You both saved my life, and I won't forget that. But you both have responsibilities in New York. You can't stay here and baby-sit me."
"No, we can't," Xavier acknowledged. "But we can provide a listening ear and advice when it is asked for, and if more assistance is needed beyond that…well, all you need to do is ask."
Buffy nodded, and silence fell in the room. Finally, she broke it. "Professor…why did you do that?"
He looked at her, uncertain what she meant.
"I mean, why did you risk your life to help me? I appreciate it, of course, but frankly, I've always known that there will be a day when no one can save me. I will die, and as a Slayer, it will probably happen sooner than I would like."
"I helped you because I could, Buffy. I helped you because Scott, who is like a son to me, asked me to." He met her eyes with his own and firmly, so that there was no doubt in her mind, stressed his point. "Slayer or no, Buffy, everyone has a right to live long, full, and happy lives, and you are no exception to that."
"That may have been the case once," Buffy replied. "Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is that the life of a Slayer is a short one. However you look at it, I am on borrowed time."
Xavier reached out and caught her hand in his, squeezing it firmly. "No, Buffy. You have friends and family who love you. As long as you have that, you will prevail."
"I'd like to believe that, I really would. But there will always be monsters out there gunning for me, and one day, I will meet the thing that I cannot defeat, and I will die, and another Slayer will come."
Xavier sensed that she was growing morose, especially given her near-death experience. There would be time enough to discuss this later, when she had had a chance to fully assimilate what had happened and had gained some distance from that. But one thing that he was sure of was that he wouldn't let her fight alone, and he knew that Scott wouldn't either, now that they knew the truth.
She was the one to interrupt his thoughts. "Professor? I was wondering…why did you choose to put part of yourself into me?" She hesitated. "I mean, why did you split your mind the way you did, knowing it could kill you?"
"It was a risk," he admitted. "But at the point when I did it, even though you had been freed from the Master's visions, you were not yet out of danger, and I knew you would still need Scott to help you find the strength to beat him. I had not counted on how much power the Master commanded and I had barely managed to beat him back long enough for your friend Xander to pull you back. When he grabbed me, I knew that if I didn't do something drastic, the others would be pulled away from your mind, because they didn't have the power to keep themselves there. I did have that power, and I could give it to them."
"But why me?"
"To help you find that last bit of inner strength, to help you realize that your mind was your own to control, and that you could defeat the Master's spirit once and for all."
"Will…will there be any side effects?" she wondered, hoping he wouldn't take offence.
Xavier sighed. "I do not know. This is not something I would have chosen to do if there had been any other way, and I do not know how deeply we may have linked. You may find that you have some of my memories, and I may have acquired some of yours. If that is the case, they should fade in time. I only placed a small fragment of myself in your mind, so any side effects should be minimal, compared to what I gave to Scott. He took the brunt of the fracturing, because he trusts me implicitly and he is familiar to me. Angel simply had too many defenses for me to give him much, and Xander…" he shook his head. "For all that Xander has seen since he met you, in many ways he is still innocent. You have seen the darker sides of the world, Angel has lived it and contributed to it, and Scott and I are very close. I couldn't burden Xander with my own memories and horrors."
Buffy nodded in understanding. "But other than a few random memories, there won't be any side effects?"
"I honestly do not know my dear. Give me some time to heal, and to rebuild my shields, and I should be able to tell you more accurately. If there is anything beside a few of my memories, I can go back into your mind and remove them so that you are not burdened by them."
Buffy nodded.
"There is something else troubling you, besides your recent experiences," he noted.
Buffy bit her lip, wondering if she should say anything.
"Whatever you say to me, I will keep in confidence, Buffy. I have almost fifty students about your age, and I try to make time to listen to them and offer them advice whenever they need it," he assured her.
"It's Scott," she finally admitted.
"What about him?" Xavier asked, concerned about what might have happened to his student during his incapacitation.
Buffy hesitated again, trying to figure out how to frame her concerns so that the Professor would not take offense. "He was very worried about you…but I think he blames himself for what happened to you."
"How so?"
"He…feels that it wasn't his place to ask you to help me, especially since you were still recovering from an illness. I believe he also feels guilty about everything that he's taken from you over the years. I think he feels he owes you a debt for the education, the home, the job, and the leadership you've given him, and then, when you were hurt helping me…well…"
Xavier nodded. He was well aware of Scott's penchant to brood about things that he could not control, and he knew that the younger man did feel guilty and feel like he was taking advantage, but they had never discussed it. Xavier had always hoped that Scott would come to him so that they could talk about it, but he had not. Given this latest incident, Xavier knew that it was past time for him to have a long discussion with Scott.
"In truth, my dear, I was not recovering from an illness, but from an attack," Xavier informed her.
Buffy looked puzzled, and Xavier explained. "For several years now, I have been at odds with Eric Lensherr, the mutant you may know as Magneto. We were once close friends, but our opposing viewpoints over how mutants are treated in society has driven us apart. I believe that there is still hope that mutants can be accepted, but Eric believes that society will only hate us and try to destroy us."
He shook his head. "He is determined not to let that happen, and, as you can tell from the incident at Liberty Island, will go to any means to prevent it. Knowing that my students and I would do our best to stop him, he hoped to distract them by taking me out of the equation. He sent one of his associates into my school with a toxin designed to incapacitate me, and he succeeded. Jean felt that I should come out here with Scott to rest and recover once the toxin was purged from my system. Since we did not want to make the situation known, Scott and I decided that an illness would be the easiest way to explain any lingering symptoms of the attack."
"Oh." She was quiet for a moment as she studied her hands. "Will it ever get better?"
For a moment, he was puzzled at her meaning. "I'm sorry?"
She looked up at him and he could see her fighting back tears. "The nightmares, the fear…will they ever go away? I've seen so much death and violence in the last two years…"
He understood. "The mind is a remarkable thing, Buffy. It can heal itself, given enough time. But what will really allow you to heal is your spirit. You have a bright, passionate spirit. You may not like what you have become, but you get up every day and go out every night and fight to help others, because you have a spirit that is not broken. Memories may plague you, and you may encounter things that leave you shivering in the darkest parts of the night, but as long as your spirit is bright and unbroken, there is nothing you cannot face."
He opened his arms to the Slayer, who looked like nothing more than a scared little girl with an all-too heavy burden on her shoulders, and after hesitating for a moment, she accepted his offer and moved to sit on the edge of his bed, allowing him to fold her into his arms. He rocked her slightly, and felt her draw closer into the safety he offered.
"Believe in your own strength, Buffy, and in the power of your mind and your spirit, and you'll be able to cope," he whispered into her ear as he held her tight, just as if she was a daughter or a beloved niece.
Later that morning…
"Scott, we need to talk," Xavier said when Scott poked his head into his room.
"About what, sir?" Scott asked as he took a seat in the chair next to the bed.
"I spoke to Buffy early this morning, and she mentioned that you feel responsible for what happened to me," Xavier said kindly, noting how Scott tensed up. Apparently, Buffy's assessment of her cousin was correct.
"It's nothing, sir. Buffy was mistaken."
Xavier shook his head. "No, she wasn't, Scott. I've been aware of your feelings for some time now, not just about this incident, but about all the years we've been working together and how you feel about everything I've offered you. I was hoping that you would have come to me before this so that we could discuss it, but since you haven't, I decided that it was past time for us to talk."
"Hey, Buffster. How's the hospital food today?" Xander asked cheerfully as he entered the room with Willow.
"It sucks. I'm dying for a plate of Mom's pancakes with butter and maple syrup," Buffy admitted easily, poking at her plate of watery scrambled eggs.
"Have the doctors said how long they want to keep you here?" Willow asked, sympathetically.
Buffy sighed. "They seem to think that my recovery was a miracle, and they want to run all kinds of tests on me. I'm going to beg Mom to take me home today when they release Professor Xavier."
"What does your Mom say about your sudden recovery?" Willow asked, curiously.
"I think she's just too grateful for the fact that it seems to be a miracle to question anything," Buffy said with a sigh. "In all honesty, I'm glad. The last thing I need is her poking around and maybe finding out about everything."
Both of her friends nodded in understanding. They knew how much Buffy hated the idea that her mom might find out about the Slaying, and how desperate she was to keep it secret.
Buffy looked down at her plate for a moment, suddenly uncomfortable. "Willow…do you mind if I talk to Xander for a few minutes?" She paused. "Alone?"
Xander seemed surprised, but Willow nodded and slipped out of her chair. "I'll just go visit Professor Xavier and see if he wants to talk about his theories with me, like he suggested a few days ago."
Buffy smiled weakly. "Thanks, Will."
Scott looked very uncomfortable. "Is it really necessary, sir?"
Xavier nodded. "Yes, it is." He was quiet for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "Scott, I don't know if you realize it, since I'm not very vocal about my feelings, but for the longest time now, I've looked at you as the son I've never had." He paused again, knowing that he had Scott's attention. "I've never had a real family, and over the years, you and my other students have become the closest thing I think I'll ever have to a real family. I don't regret anything that I've given you over the years, and I want you to know that."
"Sir…Professor…" Scott began, dumbfounded by his mentor's confession.
Xavier shook his head, holding up his hand to forestall his student's comment. "Scott, I know that some of this is my fault. I should have told you years ago how I felt, but out of fear, I didn't. It seemed too good to be true, that after all these years, I had a family that I cared about, even if it wasn't a family bound by blood. I was afraid that if I admitted it to you or the others, it would all come crashing down around me, and I didn't know if I could take that. You've always seen me as strong and composed, but all it really has been was a desperate attempt to control what little happiness I've been able to find."
He paused again, forcing back the tears that were trying to break loose. "Scott, I may not show it as clearly as your parents did, or show it in the way you show Buffy and your Aunt, but I do love you. The things I've given you…it may have started out as charity, and with an ulterior motive, but now…now it's a true pleasure to give whatever I can for you, the son of my heart. I just wanted you to know that. During those last moments when we were helping Buffy, right before I fractured my mind, all I could think of was trying to figure out a way to survive, so that I could come back and tell you this, and make sure you understand just how much I love you, and that I will always be willing to do anything for you."
Xander and Buffy sat quietly in Buffy's room as Buffy tried to figure out what she wanted to say. Xander was curious, but he was also a little nervous too. He wasn't sure what his friend had in mind.
"Xander…I'm sorry."
He wasn't exactly expecting that. He looked up at Buffy, who looked nervous and a little embarrassed. "For what, Buff?"
"For not going to the dance with you, for not seeing how much you care about me. I should have realized it a long time ago, but I was just content to have you and Willow as my best friends, knowing that you didn't care that I was the Slayer. My not wanting to go to the dance with you had nothing to do with Angel. It had everything to do with not wanting to risk our friendship if something went wrong. I know I told you that, and I really don't know if I can ever see you as anything more than one of my best friends, but I…well, I guess I tried to explain it the wrong way."
"Buffy, it's okay," Xander started to say.
Buffy shook her head. "Let me finish, please, Xander?" When he nodded, she took a deep breath. "I know I hurt you that day, but despite all that, you were still willing to help me when it came down to it. You would have had every right to write me off, and to not be my friend any more, but you still came after me. You saved my life that night, Xander, and I am grateful. And all this time, while I've been laying here fighting the Master, you still didn't give up hope that I'd be okay, and you were willing to come after me again, even though you had no reason to trust Scott or Professor Xavier." She smiled weakly at him again. "You've saved my life twice, Xander. As the Slayer, that's kind of embarrassing, but as Buffy…I really, really appreciate it." She looked down again. "I don't know if I can ever really repay you for that, but I just wanted you to know that I do appreciate everything you do for me. You keep me smiling when everything's going wrong, and you always stand by me…and I just wanted to say thank you, and I know it's totally not enough for everything you've done…but…thanks."
"Professor…I honestly had no idea that you felt like this," Scott said. "I probably should have realized it a long time ago. You had no reason to give me everything that you have over the years. I…" he paused for a moment. "I love you, too. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it, but when you were hurt by Magneto's toxin, and then here, helping Buffy…it just made me realize what an important person you've been in my life."
He paused again, gathering his thoughts. "When you were hurt, all I could think about was how much I've taken from you over the years. You opened your home to me, and you gave me an education, control over my abilities, a home, a job…you've shared your family's wealth with me…I wouldn't even have met Jean if it wasn't for you. Then you got hurt helping my cousin, and all I could think of was that I'd asked you for something I had no right to ask you for, and it might cost you your life. But then I talked to Buffy, and she pointed out to me that it was your choice to help her, and that you did have a chance to say no, but that you did it for me, because you cared about me, and that made me realize just what I was going to be losing if I lost you."
He paused again, and Xavier wished he could see Scott's eyes. "I was so young when I lost my parents and Alex. Uncle Hank and Aunt Joyce were great until you came, but it wasn't the same thing. I was reluctant to open my heart to someone, because I wanted to treasure what memories I had of my parents. But now…when I think of my father, the first person who comes to mind isn't my dad…it's you. You've done so much for me, and I've never thanked you for it. I just wanted you to know that, and to know that I appreciate everything you've done over the years. I'm honored that you see me as your son, and I'm glad, because I couldn't imagine a better father than the one I have in you. I still miss my mom and dad, but if I had to lose them…at least I gained you."
"Buffy…" Xander was floored by her confession.
"You don't have to say anything Xander. I just needed you to know that, and to know that I'm sorry for how I've treated you at times."
Xander smiled. "I know, and I appreciate the apology, even though you had no reason to apologize." He sighed. "I made the mistake when I asked you out. I knew that you really liked Angel, and it wasn't fair to ask you to choose between the two of us. I'd still like to date you some time, but if we're only ever meant to be friends…well…I guess that's okay too."
"Thanks, Xander," Buffy said with a small smile. "And I wouldn't be opposed to going out with you once, even if it's just to make up for what I said. I do like Angel, but I like you too, and I'm glad you're still willing to be my friend, because that's what I need more than anything.
She reached out her hand and grabbed his and pulled him closer. Leaning up, she kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks."
Author's Note: Okay, before anyone goes crazy, this is not going to become a Xander/Buffy! This was just my way of resolving something that bugged me in the first episode of Season 2. I never really cared for bitchy Buffy in that episode, and what she did to Xander was just wrong. Buffy never really sat down with Xander and thanked him for everything, and I think that's part of what led to the problems later in the series, so this was my way of tidying this up and resolving a personal peeve.
Also, the reason I didn't give Xander a big long confession was because I feel that he says everything that he needs to say when it needs to be said. Buffy has always been more reluctant to share her feelings with her friends, but Xander never really seemed to have trouble expressing himself.