Chapter 20: Forward

It was Thursday morning, six days since the proposal.

Caroline sat at her desk, staring blankly at the clock on the wall. She had gotten little to no work done the whole week and Beverly kept insisting that she just go home. Beverly had been able to dig out of Caroline the reason for her sudden despondency, and had immediately insisted that she take leave for the week and that she would keep things afloat in her absence. She reassured Caroline, more than once, that she was certain the situation would be resolved if the two women would just sit down and talk. Caroline refused saying there was too much work to be done, and that she would resolve the situation with Fiona later. In actuality, she was terrified of calling Fiona, fearing that she would hear the words she didn't want to hear, leaving her alone and heartbroken once more.

Caroline was pulled out of her haze, by the sight of Beverly standing in front of her. She shook her head, in an effort to loosen the cobwebs and pushed her glasses back up on her nose.

"What is it Beverly? Is there a problem?" She sounded more perturbed than she intended and cleared her throat, giving Beverly an apologetic glance.

"Umm, there's a phone call for you. It's Fiona…" she spoke in a low, soft tone. Caroline's heart instantly began to beat at a break neck pace. Her cheeks flushed and she felt tears welling in her eyes.

"Caroline, I can tell her you are busy. Just say the word." Beverly reached a hand across the desk, placing it softly on Caroline's. Caroline took it and squeezed lightly.

"Yes…I mean, no. God Beverly, I don't know what to say to her." She blinks and swallows hard, forcing the tears to retreat.

"Just tell her how you feel. Well, make arrangements for a proper sit down, I mean." She gives Caroline's hand a gentle squeeze before turning to walk out the door.

"She's on line two, and you can do this, Caroline. Just tell the truth and she'll listen." She smiles and shuts the door behind her. Caroline takes in a sharp breath and releases slowly, willing her heart to slow down and the knot in her stomach to loosen. She picks up the phone and dials in to line two.

"Hello? This is Caroline," she says, in a weaker tone than she had intended.

"Hi Caroline, it's Fiona. How are you?" there's a hint of nerves in her usually calm voice, that Caroline doesn't fail to notice.

"Honestly, I've been better. And you?" She adjusts in her seat, her nerves fraying the composure she had worked so hard to regain.

"I can say the same. Look Caroline, I'd really like to sit down and talk, if you are ready and willing. Could I maybe come over this evening?" There's a heavy pause as Caroline ponders her response. She really wants to scream with joy and happiness at the sound of Fiona's voice, but the serious tone with which Fiona speaks scares her, and she bites her tongue.

"Yes, I would like very much for us to talk too. Tonight would be perfect. I can be home by five."

"Alright, I'll see you then. Bye Caroline, have a good day." Caroline hangs up the phone and sits quietly, playing over the conversation in her mind. Fiona's tone was very serious, but she didn't sound angry and her words were polite. The more she mulled it over, the tighter her chest and the knot in her stomach grew.

At 2 o'clock Caroline appeared in Beverly's outer office, her purse and coat in hand. Beverly nodded with a small smile and assured her she would hold the fort for the rest of the afternoon. She wished her luck and reassured her that things would work out before Caroline left for home.

Caroline drove home and told Celia of the events of the day. Flora overheard them talking and begged to go with her to see Fiona, but Celia coaxed her into staying with her, with a promise to watch Shrek and eat biscuits. Caroline returned to her house and sat alone in the kitchen, too nervous to do anything but sit impatiently and wait for Fiona to come. She had wrestled with whether or not she should stop and get flowers, but had decided against it, her doubts of reconciliation getting the better of her. By 4:30, she was so sick with worry she could hardly sit still, so she moved to the couch to lie down.

oOo

"Caroline, Caroline," she felt a gentle push on her shoulder as she warily opened her eyes. Once she registered Fiona's face before her, she bolted up into a sitting position, trying to adjust her disheveled hair.

"Sorry, I must have fallen asleep. I haven't gotten much lately…sorry." She adjusted her shirt and lowered her eyes nervously to the floor. Fiona took a seat next to her on the couch, and sat silently watching Caroline for a few moments.

"So…I thought we should probably try and talk about what happened and give each other a chance to defend our reasons, so to speak." The nerves were apparent in her voice and she hoped desperately Caroline would look at her, knowing her blue eyes would relieve some of the pain. Caroline sat still for a moment, before slowly turning to meet Fiona's eyes.

"Fiona, I'm sorry. I know how much I hurt you, and I haven't been able to forgive myself. I do love you, so very much, and I hope you know that, that I've done a good job of telling you and showing you." She reaches a hand out to touch Fiona's knee, hesitation apparent in her move. Fiona meets her in the middle, taking her hand into her own, and placing it on the couch between them.

"I know you love me, and you have always been good at sharing that. That's why I was so hurt, and what I don't quite understand. Why would you not want to marry, when we love each other so much?" Her hungry green eyes search Caroline's, looking for the answer, the hope that they will reconcile apparent in them.

"I just, it's just…" she takes a deep breath, releasing it before she continues.

"My marriage to John was a failure. Well, a failure in that it was never really emotionally fulfilling for me. I loved him once, and he had loved me, but it was never quite what I had wanted in life. It gave me the boys, which I am grateful for, but the rest of it was… pretty empty. And Kate…I loved her…so much, and she was taken from me, the day after our wedding." Quiet tears have now started to fall down her cheeks, but she continues speaking, letting them drop off her chin to her lap.

"I love you so much too, and I just…I can't bear the thought of us getting married and then it falling apart as well." She wipes a tear that hangs from her jaw, and looks shyly to Fiona.

"Well, I understand that fear, but I don't think that will happen, or that we should spend our days worrying that it will. You make me so happy now, and I am more than fulfilled." She reaches up and wipes a tear from Caroline's cheek, gently resting her hand on Caroline's lap after she does.

"Then why do you want to marry? What difference would it make, if we are so happy now?" Her tone conveys an innocence that eases the potentially hostile words.

"Security. I love you, and Flora, more than anything and I want the peace of mind our marriage would bring. We've both had horrible circumstances happen in the past and I want to know that if, heaven forbid, anything should happen to you or Flora, that I would be able to be there and have a say, instead of being cast off to the other room as a 'non-related party'. I know that sounds bleak, but it's true. My heart aches any time I think about something bad happening, and how I would likely have little right to be near you." Tears have now started a steady descent down her cheeks and this time Caroline reaches up and wipes them away.

"Oh Fiona, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you felt this way." Caroline moves across the couch and takes Fiona into her arms, they hug tightly, each refusing to let go. Fiona's words sink in and Caroline's heart swells with so much love she can hardly contain it. She pulls away from Fiona, tears streaming down her cheeks, despite the huge smile on her face.

"Fiona, you are right. I'm sorry I let my stupid worries get in the way. I know we are happy and that I don't want to live without you. Will you, can you, forgive me?" She looks questioningly in Fiona's eyes, hoping from the bottom of her heart for the words she wants to hear.

"I thought you'd never ask." She smiles coyly before pulling Caroline in for a slow, deep kiss that conveys all the love she feels. She pulls away, reaching into her pocket and pulls out the small blue box.

"Now, will you please wear this, it's been burning a hole in my pocket," she says with a laugh through her tears. She hands the box to Caroline and watches with anticipation as she opens it. Her eyes light up and fresh tears start to fall as she takes out the ring and looks up to Fiona.

"Oh Fiona, it's beautiful. I love it." Fiona takes it from her, and slips it onto Caroline's finger.

"I'm glad. It reminded me of your eyes, so I knew it was the one." She looks down at the ring, a beautiful blue topaz, nestled between two smaller diamonds, set in white gold.

"It's perfect. I love you." Caroline takes Fiona's face into her hands and pulls her in for a series of romantic kisses.

"Now, there is a certain little girl that has missed you very much this week and would be very upset if I didn't let her see you." Caroline looks at Fiona with a bright smile and stands up from the couch.

"I'd be very upset if I didn't get to kiss her little face too. Go get her!" She stands and puts her hands on Caroline's hips, pulling her into a passionate kiss, teasing at the buttons on her shirt.

"But don't think you'll get out of the make-up sex so easily," she winks as she pulls away.

"Oh, I wouldn't dare dream of it," she places a toying bite on Fiona's bottom lip, before turning and strutting out of the room. She casts a seductive glance over her shoulder and Fiona shakes her head with a smile.