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By the Baring of my Soul
~ Chapter Twenty ~
Waiting on the tarmac of the Academy's private runway, I closely watched the ground crew as they went about their final preparations for our trip to Pennsylvania…A trip that should have only been for the guardians summonsed to testify, but now also included the students who should never have been involved at all.
Shrugging deeper into the protective folds of the duster against the blustery weather as I tried to shrug off my irritation, the bright lights of an approaching SUV caught at my peripheral vision as it cut through the gloom of early evening.
Darkly tinted, the vehicle sped towards the private jet, carrying the new arrivals: Lissa, Christian, Eddie…and Rose.
Annoyed with myself that the thought of being this close to her made my heartbeat speed and filled my bloodstream with anticipation, my only distraction was the aggravated sigh at my side as I turned towards it.
Alberta stood with me as we waited, but she was no happier about it than I was.
Bundled up, the cold chill of the wind sweeping across the runway ruffled her short hair around a face that was pinched with displeasure and a mouth set into a thin line of irritation. It was a line that had only continued to flatten since she had told me we wouldn't be going alone.
After leaving Rose in the church, I had changed into running gear in the hopes that I could literally start distancing myself from her with every running mile I covered. On my way out, I had absently began to rub at the burning ache in my chest, worried that I wouldn't be able to ever be rid of it when I had been stopped by a fuming Alberta.
Knowing that she very rarely showed this level of emotion, the ache had been temporarily pushed aside as she asked me to join her in the office. Alone, she had paced for a few seconds as her agitated fingers pushed relentlessly through her short hair before delivering the news.
The Queen, it seemed, had had a change of heart; the students involved in the case against Victor were now flying out with us.
As I had listened to Alberta ranting about the lack of thought that went with the decision, I had marvelled at the sudden about-face. Debating it, we had both eventually come to the same conclusion; the only one that made any sense because interference from a third party was the one thing neither of us had thought of.
Adrian Ivashkov.
It couldn't have been just a coincidence that the ban on the students had suddenly been lifted and Adrian's name had made it to the top of the boarding parties list all in the same day.
Heading out into the cold rain, I had tried to outrun what this meant, but the faster I moved, the more I thought about it and the heavier the ache in my chest became.
I had desperately need the time apart from Rose in order to regain whatever remained of my tattered professionalism, but Adrian's interfering had all but destroyed that plan. Court would have offered some small measure of distance for however many days we would be there, but now we would be thrown together constantly…the plane trip, guest housing, the trial.
Whatever progress I might have been able to make to become emotionlessly detached was now going to be tested in the harshest way possible and it drove me harder over the icy terrain.
"This is ridiculous," Alberta muttered now, shoving her hands deeper into the pockets of her coat as she scowled at the vehicle beginning to slow. "They shouldn't be going. All it's going to achieve is stirring up memories better forgotten and interrupting the field experience."
Not waiting for my reply, Alberta stomped off towards the stairway and pilot beside it, grumbling to herself as she passed both Dustin and Alan as they headed towards me.
Dustin's bushy, blonde brows rose in question as he craned his head to look at Alberta's departing back, but I shook my head in response as he turned to face me again. Flanking me, they both shrugged deeper into their coats as the folds of the duster flapped wildly around in the wind.
"She still pissed about the students going?" Alan questioned lightly, enviously eyeing the stairway leading to the luxury and warmth of the private jet.
"Of course she is," Dustin replied gruffly. "Her job, like the rest of us, is to protect the Moroi, not expose them to more danger."
"Yeah, but come on. It's the Court's prison," Alan scoffed as his coal-black brows pulled together over the bridge of his nose. "He can't get out and even when he's at the trial there's going to be so many guardians around him, he couldn't pull anything even if he wanted to. It's not going to be pleasant, but it's hardly dangerous."
"Not physically, but for the love of God, he tried to kill Lord Ozera and Hathaway and would have done the same to the Princess if we hadn't found them." Shaking his head, Dustin sighed and stared off into the thick pine forests bordering the runway, seeming to relive that night.
He was no happier than Alberta or I about this, but even with his former influence at Court, not even he had been able to make anyone see reason.
"We'll keep them away from him as much as we can, Dustin," I reassured him quietly, adjusting the strap of the overnight bag over my shoulder as the strands of hair escaping the tie whipped about my face. "The only real contact they'll have will be in the courtroom and even Victor will have to behave himself there. Let's just get through this as quickly as we can and get them back here safely, all right?"
Turning back to me, he nodded slowly as the logic of my answer calmed him down "Ya; you're right."
"How come he's always right and I never am?" Alan asked peevishly, backing away from us slowly as the SUV came to a stop and I heard the give of the hinges creak when the doors were opened.
"If I have to respond to that, Alan, you're not going to like my answer."
Listening to them bicker as they walked off to meet the students, I should have been with them, but the thought of being this close to Rose when everything still felt raw and exposed made me think twice about it. I would wait on the side-lines until they had all boarded before joining them.
Once on the plane, I could sit as far away from her as was allowed…or at least, as far away as was allowed without raising any suspicion.
Listening to them noisily gather, the nervous excitement of the quartet pierced the night air. Sliding my hands into the deep pockets of the duster, I moved further away from the gathering, but not before I was noticed.
Fighting to keep my breathing even and the expression on my face calmly aloof, the struggle was harder than it should have been after years spent training to perfect it when Rose reached me and blurted out almost breathlessly.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Pushing aside the feeling of elation her apology created, my fingers clenched reflectively in the pockets of the duster. Turning to face her for the first time since our argument yesterday, I felt my heart kick at the sight of her.
Hair loose and free flowing, it floated around her back and shoulders in the wind before tangling around her shoulders. The edges of her unbuttoned cardigan – deep indigo in colour – were caught in the bluster and whirled around her as they highlighted the dark circles beneath her eyes.
Strangling the instinctive reaction to ask what it was that had kept her awake; my reply to her question was deliberately disinterested.
"Sorry for what?"
"For all the horrible things I said yesterday. You did it— you really did it. You got them to let us go."
Reacting once again to the gratitude I could hear in her voice, the same sense of relief was missing as it was replaced almost instantly by resentment. Rose was thanking me when she should really have been thanking Adrian and it made the petty bitterness all the more disappointing to admit.
"It wasn't me, Rose. I had nothing to do with it."
Frowning at my answer and the almost cold indifference of it, Rose brushed hair out of her face but said nothing as we both heard Alberta call out for us to board. Walking away from her without another word; I was unsurprised by the stab of pain I felt when I did.
Following after Eddie, Christian – just ahead of him – moved to the empty seat beside Lissa. Taking the pair of seats opposite them, Eddie sat at the aisle whilst Alan and Dustin sat closest to the door. Moving to the open seats in front of Lissa and Christian, the only other passenger aboard was a smirking Adrian.
Smothering the surge of anger I felt at his blasé attitude to life and the oblivious awareness to the chaos he had created in my life, I frowned slightly as I saw him toss back a finger of rich amber liquor. Either whiskey or brandy, he rattled his glass and the ice cubes towards the flight attendant who moved almost immediately to refill it.
Noticing the direction of my gaze, Adrian raised his now refilled glass to me with a cocky salute that immediately grated over my nerves; the smirking grin only growing wider as Rose boarded and made her way down the aisle to sit next to Eddie.
"Little dhampir!" He called out. "About time you got here." Saluting her in much the same way he had me as she stowed her bag in the overhead compartment and sat at the window, he turned his slightly glazed expression back to me.
I didn't know why I felt as though Adrian was taunting me, but the gleam his green eyes seemed to issue a direct challenge as I stored my own bag and sat in the aisle seat
All aboard, Alberta lingered at the cockpit, talking quietly to the pilots and the stewardess. Once she was satisfied that we were ready, the co-pilot closed and locked the door before returning to the cockpit. Buckling in at the attendants' request, the engines began to hum to life.
Joining me, Alberta sank into the plush, wheat-coloured leather seat with a wary sigh and immediately began to go over paperwork in a thick dossier. Leaving her alone so that she could concentrate on the trial, I stretched my legs out and folded my hands over my stomach as my head rested back against the seat and I kept an eye on the others peripherally.
Adrian – having moved as soon as Rose was seated – was now in the empty seats between Eddie, Alan and Dustin. Restricted slightly by the seat belt, he had shifted to his side so that his body was angled backwards towards her.
Clearly irritated by him already, he was either too drunk to notice or simply didn't care.
Twenty-four hours ago it would have tested the limits of my control to watch his unashamed flirting, but things had changed since then and I had no place for jealousy now.
Beginning to taxi down the runway as we began our take-off procedures, the jet's lift-off was smooth. Climbing quickly above the turbulence of the clouds, the plan levelled out as we headed east. Watching as the seat-belt sign blinked off, the click of them was a metallic chorus within the confines of the plane as the cabin lights dimmed.
Knowing that I shouldn't, but seeming to be drawn to her against my will, my eyes found Rose barely a minute later. Resting back in her seat, she had her eyes closed and was rubbing at her temples with the tips of her fingers in small, clockwise circles.
Adrian – ignorant as always to what was happening around him – continued to natter inanely to her whilst steadily drinking.
Judging from her pained expression, Rose was in no mood to entertain his drunken ramblings. Wincing and clearly in pain from what looked like a headache, Rose squeezed her eyes tightly whilst massaging over her forehead and down the bridge of her nose.
Worried, I held myself rigidly still in my seat, wanting to point out to the spoilt Moroi that he was trying to flirt with someone who was anything but receptive to his weak charms, but I did nothing and again reminded myself why I couldn't.
"We're going to Court. Aren't you excited about it?"
Breathing deeply and sighing heavily, Rose seemed to gather herself before asking quietly. "About which one? The royal one or the legal one?"
Snorting, he drank deeply as Eddie frowned at him. "The royal one. Did you bring a dress?"
"Nobody told me to."
"So…that's a 'no'".
"Yes."
"Yes? I thought you meant no."
Balefully glowering, Rose lifted back the lid of her right eye and growled. "I did mean no, and you know it. No, I did not bring a dress."
"We'll get you one," Adrian promised with smug, airy confidence, winking at her.
Opening both this time, Rose eyed him warily. "You're going to take me shopping? I'm going to go out on a limb and guess they won't consider you a reliable chaperone."
Dustin and Alan, listening from the front of the plane, both grinned at Rose's sarcasm before Adrian scoffed. "Shopping? As if. There are tailors that live there. We'll get you something custom-made."
Continuing to massage, Rose shook her head slightly before wincing again. Sighing, she arched her neck against the head-rested and wrapped the edges of the cardigan around her; concealing most of her white, scoop-necked t-shirt. "We're not staying that long. And do I really need a dress for what we're doing there?"
"No," Adrian answered easily enough; his eyes roving over her body in a way that made a liar of me for thinking that I could so easily push aside my jealousy. "I'd just kind of like to see you in one."
Exhaling warily, Rose wrapped her arms tightly around her middle and tried to ignore him. Sliding over, she rested against the glass of the window for a moment, but jerked upright a second later. Opening her eyes, she twisted in her seat to look around her, but there was nothing there.
Turning my own head slightly as the concern began to turn to unease; I looked over my shoulder at Lissa. She was watching Rose intently, but remained in her seat as a frown grew between the pale, smooth skin of her brow.
Closing her eyes again, Rose shifted uncomfortably in her seat as Adrian continued to waffle on and her fingers pressed deeper into her skull. "Something black. Satin, I think…maybe with lace trim. Do you like lace? Some women think it itches."
Sighing irritably besides me, Alberta put aside her paperwork for a minute to frown at Adrian as his flirtations grew more outrageously out of control. Paying her no attention, his eyes continued to rove, only this time the admiration had taken on a sleazier quality.
"Adrian," Rose warned from between gritted teeth, but he paid her as much attention as he had Alberta.
"You could have a nice velvet trim too, though. That wouldn't itch," he slurred slightly.
"Adrian." The warning this time was louder, sharper and almost gritted out. I knew by the tone of her voice and body language that she was past the point of tolerance, but he just didn't see it.
"And then a slit up the side to show off what great legs you have. It could go nearly to the hip and have this cute little bow –"
"Adrian!" Rose shouted at full volume as she jerked upright in her seat to glare venomously at him; the sound reverberating around the fuselage as everyone sat up and took notice. "Will you shut the hell up for five seconds?"
Backing off with widened eyes that were suddenly more sober than I had seen since boarding, Adrian's surprise at her outburst was a sentiment shared by the others. Resting her weight on the armrest dividing us, Alberta leaned towards Rose; worry etched into her weathered features as I felt it match my own.
"Rose. What's going on?"
Breathing heavily whilst Eddie gently placed a concerned hand on her back, Rose muttered between clenched jaws as she grabbed at her forehead and ground the palms of her hands against her temples. "I have the worst fucking headache in the world, and he won't shut up."
Tightly shutting her eyes, Rose slid her hands over them and continued to breathe through the worst of it whilst Eddie drew calming circles over her upper back. Lissa hovered at the edge of my vision as she stood in the aisle with Christian slightly behind her.
"God," she moaned softly, rocking a bit. "Why won't it go away?"
Unable to remain motionless and uncaring, my seat belt unravelled at the touch of a finger. Rising before Alberta knew I had moved, I placed a palm on the edge of Adrian's seat and leaned towards her. Alberta joined me but moved to the aisle. Moving out the way, Eddie continued to look worriedly at Rose.
"She hasn't eaten today. She was really hungry earlier."
Glancing at Christian as he stood with a wide-eyed Lissa, I nodded towards him as Alberta leaned over Eddie and touched Rose's shoulder. Dropping her hands at Alberta's touch, Rose opened her eyes. Slightly unfocused, her features were pinched by pain as she blinked a few times.
"Can you get her something to eat?" Alberta asked over my shoulder to the now hovering flight attendant. "And find a painkiller?"
"Where's it at?" I asked quietly and calmly, somehow able to mask the panic her pain had created as it churned ruthlessly through me and made a mockery of my so called detachment. "The pain?"
Blinking up at me, Rose seemed to pull back, making light of something that clearly wasn't just a simple issue or ailment. "It's a headache…I'm sure it'll go away…" Trailing off as she saw that I was in no mood for more of her evasions, Rose sighed and sat back in her seat.
"It's like something pushing on my skull," she explained, placing the tip of her forefinger in the centre of her forehead. "And there's pain kind of behind my eyes. I keep feeling like…well, it's like I've got something in my eye. I think I'm seeing a shadow or something. Then I blink and it's gone."
Sounding harmlessly like a migraine, my relief was quick to kick in as Alberta nodded her head in silent agreement. "Ah. That's a migraine symptom – having vision problems. It's called an aura. People somethings get it before the headache sets in."
Blinking at Alberta again, but in surprise this time rather than pain, Rose frowned before looking up Adrian as he hung over the back of his seat and bent towards her. "An aura?
Smirking, he shook his head at her unspoken question. "Not that kind. Same name. Like Court and court. Migraine auras are images and light you see when a migraine's coming on. They have nothing to do with the auras around people I see. But I tell you…the aura I can see…the one around you…wow."
Not liking the turn in the conversation, Rose's next question raised the hair on the nape of my neck.
"Black?"
"And then some. It's obvious even after all the drinks I've have. Never seen anything like it." Seeming to suddenly remember that once more his glass was empty, he turned to find the stewardess standing behind him and winked at her.
Nodding, she took his glass before leaning towards Rose with a painkiller that looked like Codeine or Ibuprofen, a chocolate-coated granola bar, bottled water and a ripe banana. Smiling gratefully at her, Rose ate everything as everyone else resettled. Cracking the seal of the bottle, she drank the pain med, took the pillow handed to her and rested against the window, closing her eyes.
Returning to my seat, the others were considerate of her pain and kept their conversations quiet. Even Adrian returned to his seat with a final glance at her. Downing his drink in a single gulp, he was still frowning, but kept quiet.
Watching over her covertly whilst she dozed, the rapid motion of her eyes moving beneath the almost transparent membrane of her lid told me it wasn't a restful sleep. Shifting around in that moment, she frowned and moaned softly to herself.
Hearing the soft shuffle of movement from behind me, I heard Lissa say quietly. "That's enough." Reaching across the aisle, she touched Eddie's arm. "Do you mind?" She asked softly. Smiling at her, he shook his head and rose, taking her place next to Christian as she sat in his.
Brushing her fingertips lightly across Rose's forehead, the deeply maternal gesture was followed by a deep frown of concern. Not waking at the touch, Lissa wrapped her fingers around Rose's forearm as she gave her a soft squeeze.
"Rose?" She gently wakened.
Sitting up quickly in surprise, Rose blinked as Lissa came into focus. Rubbing at her eyes, Rose ran her fingers through the tangled ribbons of her dark hair and tried to smile at Lissa, but she almost recoiled as her eyes darted rapidly.
Rubbing at her shoulder, Lissa asked sympathetically. "You're still in pain?"
"Yeah," Rose groaned, rolling her shoulders against the discomfort of the position she had begun to fall asleep in. "I – oh no," she protested when she realized that Lissa was about to us the healing ability of Spirit to rid her of the headache. "Don't do it. Don't waste it on me."
"It's easy," Lissa breathed breezily, brushing aside Rose's concern. "It hardly fazes me."
"Yeah, but the more you use it…the more it hurts you in the long run. Even if it's easy now." Reaching out to brush a stray, pale strand of hair resting over Lissa's cheekbone, Rose's maternal instinct was as strong with Lissa as Lissa's was with her. As much as I wanted Rose well, I also agreed with her on the use of Lissa's powers – they had repercussions that none of us understood yet.
Smiling, Lissa nodded but carried on regardless. "I'll worry about that later. Here."
Interlacing the fingers on one hand, Lissa closed her eyes as Rose watched her closely. A second or two after the initial touch, I was expecting to see the faint lines of tension bracketing Rose's mouth disappear…to see her eyes brighten from the dullness of pain…to see her cheeks pinken and her normal gregariousness return, but nothing changed.
Frowning at Lissa in confusion that had nothing to do with the fuzziness of the headache, Rose waited until she opened her eyes, but Lissa seemed to already know that something wasn't right.
"Wh – what happened?"
Shaking her head and flinching slightly as the movement aggravated the pounding in her head, Rose replied wryly as she glanced up at Adrian, who had decided it was safe again to stick his nose into things that didn't concern him.
"Nothing. The headache's still going strong."
"But I…," Lissa floundered in a whisper, staggered that her powers had somehow failed her. "I had it. I felt the magic. It worked."
Squeezing her hand consolingly, Rose shrugged with a half-smile. "I don't know, Liss. It's okay, really. You haven't been off the meds that long, you know."
Disgruntled, Lissa glanced over her shoulder towards Eddie before turning back to look at Rose. "Yeah, but I healed Eddie the other day without any problems. And Adrian."
"Those were scrapes. This is a five-alarm migraine we're talking about. Maybe you've got to build back up."
Slumping in her seat, Lissa's gaze was unfocused on the patterning of the seat in front of her as she nibbled on her lower lip in confusion. "You don't think the pills permanently hurt my magic, do you?"
"Nah," Adrian interrupted before Rose could answer. "You lit up like a supernova when you were summoning it." Cocking his head to the side, he waved a hand up and down her. "You had magic. I just don't think it had any effect on her."
"Why not?" Lissa demanded a touch belligerently, scowling at Rose before she returned her glare to Adrian.
"Maybe she's got something you can't heal."
"A headache?" Rose asked dryly, arching a brow as she questioned his answer.
Shrugging, Adrian looked over her again but without the same salacious interest as before…the interest this time was more curiosity. "What do I look like, a doctor? I don't know. Just telling you what I saw."
Throwing an irritated glance at him, Rose sighed and flattened her palm against her head, rubbing and wincing again. "Well I appreciate the help, Liss, and I appreciate your annoying commentary, Adrian. But I think sleep might be the best thing for now. Maybe it's stress or something. Probably can't heal that."
Nodding her head distractedly, Lissa still didn't seem convinced, merely resentful that there was something that she couldn't solve. "Maybe."
"It's okay. You're just getting your stride back. Once you're up to full power, I'll go crack a rib or something so we can test it." Grinning mischievously at Lissa, Rose tilted her head against the chair as Lissa shook her head in disbelief before groaning.
"The horrible part is that I don't think you're joking." Patting the hand that she still held, Lissa got up and brushed aside more hair before moving back to her own seat. "Sleep well."
Moving out of the way for Lissa, Eddie moved towards the back of the plane so that Rose had more room, something she realized soon enough as she swung her legs up to the empty seat and stretched out to sleep.
Within a few minutes the pain medicine had kicked in and Rose slept more deeply than before as her breathing evened out. She would have been three and four hours to sleep, depending on the turbulence. I only hoped it would be long enough for the migraine to disappear.
She looked so defenceless curled up against the cushions of the seat…so vulnerable and in need of protection it was hard to believe in this moment that she survived more in her young life than most adults ever would. Passing between us, the stewardess shook out a blanket and covered her lightly before she turned to us to ask if there was anything we needed.
Leaving to fetch the four coffees, the only sound in the cabin was from the whirling turbines of the engines. Neither Alan nor Dustin spoke; both seemed focused on some point in the distance and Alberta had returned to her paperwork, though there was still a small crease between her eyes.
She was still worried about Rose, though she wouldn't voice it.
Settling in for the flight whilst I kept an eye on Rose, I realised that it was time to be honest with myself.
I couldn't act professional with her when with every smile and touch she gave me, my professionalism disappeared. I couldn't detach myself when everything that affected her affected me. I couldn't have the distance I wanted because distance only made me want her more…and I couldn't avoid the hurt involved with loving someone when not loving them made the pain more acutely unbearable.
Knowing all of this didn't solve my problems though, because ultimately, there was still no future with Rose.
Beginning our descent through the clouds just over three hours later, I had thought of very little else with still no way forward. Watching as the seat-belt sign glowed to life, the pilot announced over the internal comms system that we heading into an ice storm. Fifteen minutes later the touchdown was anything but smooth, but the pilots handled it with ease.
Jolting awake as the engines began their reverse thrust to slow down, Rose appeared momentarily disorientated before she took in her surroundings. Touching her hand to her forehead, she sighed in instant relief.
Unbuckling her belt, I watched as Lissa stretched and looked down at Rose. Throwing off the blanket, she got to her feet and did the same, touching her forehead again just to make sure. Reaching out, Lissa touched her hand again and smiled when Rose squeezed back.
"Better?" Lissa asked, tugging down the hem of her embroidered orange sweater over black leggings whilst Christian stood behind her and opened the overhead compartment.
Nodding slowly, Rose almost seemed to wait for the inevitable pain that followed before she nodded tentatively again. "Much. Better still if I can get some real food."
Chuckling, Lissa swung her coat over her shoulder before looping her arm through Rose's. Reaching overhead, Rose grabbed her bag as the others began to gather in the aisle. "Well, somehow I doubt there's any shortage of food around here."
Looking out the window, Rose glanced back over her shoulder. Watching the nervous excitement begin to build in her eyes, the co-pilot unlocked the door and swung it open as the staircase descended with a quiet hiss. Alberta, Alan and Dustin disembarked first with the students and Adrian following noisily behind as I nodded politely to the smiling stewardess and stepped out into the icy wind of a Pennsylvanian winter night.