"But why did you have to break up, Mommy?"
Nigel's plump lips tremble ever so slightly as he utters the floating words. A certain sadness seems to tug at Daisy's and his features, infantile but deeply felt, in a purity that adults inevitably lose possession of as they grow older.
I smile softly. Sometimes, I forget that they are still only children, and blessedly free from heartbreak and dulling reality.
"Because some things just aren't meant to be," I elucidate, knowing that they will have to learn these lessons for themselves someday – the hard way. I can only pray that they will have inherited my ability to nurse a wounded heart; to come out of the burning wreckage stronger and better than before. "And I'll let you in on a little secret, kids," I lure them enticingly, watching as their wide, gleaming eyes lap up my story. Boxes within boxes all containing the one singular gift they are both impatiently waiting for: the revelation of their father's identity.
I lift one empty case with my rough fingers, and toss it over my shoulder. "This particular guy that I dated was actually your Uncle Gill."
Unadulterated shock pierces their eyes, in a strange mingling of delight, surprise and disgust, all at the same time.
"You dated Uncle Gill?" Daisy repeats in disbelief, in tones much louder than her usual serene ones.
"For almost an entire year," I confirm, secretly relishing in their stunned reactions. I chuckle inwardly, gliding palms over their downy scalps.
"That's gross," Nigel states, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"It is, isn't it," I burst into laughter. Looking back on it now, it seems almost absurd that we'd once believed that we had a chance at ending up together. We had been so excruciatingly dishonest with one another, turned the other into proud, egotistic, victory-hungry monsters.
And even so, we had still called it love.
The boy who was incapable of ever saying what was on his mind, just so he could always be the one firing the shots. In the spaces between words, that's where I'll always look for him.
In the end, we had both lost. But we found far greater things ahead than any we left behind.
"But he's married to Aunt Luna now," Daisy finds it necessary to point out, as if our failed relationship poses some sort of ridiculous threat to their thriving marriage. I beam, thinking about how our year of torturous sadness and exhilarating battles had led him to her. He was finally someone's first choice. And she was his.
"That's right. Both of you know Vivian." True to his predictions, Gill had indeed gone on to have only one child, but had cleverly discarded my suggestion of naming her Lucifer, instead choosing to bestow her with a name signifying leadership qualities from the get-go. However, with such determined and business-minded parents like Gill and Luna, it was pretty much impossible for her not to inherit their binding traits.
"How did Uncle Gill start dating Aunt Luna?" they question in synchronization, in a manner only achievable by close siblings. I remember when Daisy was four; Nigel would hold her tiny hand as they walked to school together. Both protecting the other in their own ways, their own fortes. I use the word, 'angels,' in association with them too much, but that's truly what I think of when I gaze adoringly at them.
"That part of the story is yet to come," I fend off their enthusiastic rushing, musing how I, too, had once been so anxious to discover who I would end up with. If I could go back in time, I would whisper the sweet words into my past-self's ear: be patient, love, everything will fall into place in time. "But for now, here's the chapter of the story where I was twenty-six. I like to call this chapter: the year of growing."
Newton's Law states that for every possible action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you stopped applying that to mere simple physics, and instead plastered it onto the bigger picture, it would also mean that for every choice made in this world, there'd be a negative of that choice being made somewhere else, so as to keep the earth in balance.
I liked to think of Kathy and Owen as the, 'could-have-been,' of Gill and me. Of course, there was only a smidgen of truth to that; Gill and I could never have worked out. Not in this universe, at least. But I supposed that was why I wanted so desperately for them to get their happily ever after, the one they chased so frantically, even though it often slipped right past their temples; ever-elusive.
"Hey, Molly." Owen's chocolate eyes glimmered in his pleasantry, tiredness jerking at their droopy sides.
Owen was a good guy, through and through. He was hot cocoa, amiably milky while indulgently rich. Simple but faultless. Dazzlingly genuine. Unapologetically him.
"Do you have some time?" I requested of him, heart dropping a little as I noticed how etched away both him and Kathy looked. Could something so broken ever truly be fixed?
"Sure," he nodded in response, quickly sensing the gravity of my voice, "What's up?" We settled ourselves on the stairs neighbouring the Blacksmith's, breathing in the muggy summer air. A lone dragonfly zoomed past us.
"I know it's not my place to meddle," I started hesitantly, "but I just wanted to know how you and Kathy are doing."
He stared at me for a long while, before speaking, "Come on, Molly, the entire town knows how we're doing." A sardonic snicker left his lips, utterly uncharacteristic of the easygoing Owen. I marveled at how quickly the smoothness of his chocolate voice could morph into derisive charred cake, burnt to a crisp.
"So what do you intend to do?"
He never paused to mull over his words before spouting them – that was a part of his humble authenticity. "I honestly have no idea," he sighed, notes shaking as they landed on my eardrums, "I love her, Molly, I do. I know that much. But I don't know what to do anymore. Everything we do blows up into a fight."
"What do you guys fight about?" I asked, feeling the pain emanating from his bulky form.
It hit me, a ton of bricks smashing straight through my skull: as fraught and tumultuous as their relationship was, it made them vulnerable. Two strong, vibrant, buzzing human beings could have their ribcages spliced open and hearts left gasping for air – that was love in one of its most frightful and tantalizing forms.
"Trying to change one another, I guess. Reality not living up to expectations."
I sniffed sympathetically. "That's always the trap, isn't it? Things being so much better in your head."
He tilted his head as he looked at me. "I heard Gill and you split."
I nodded placidly, acceptance gliding along my brow. "It was for the best."
"Any advice, then?"
"I'm probably not the person you'd want to get relationship advice from," I chortled softly, "and besides, there are no magic words I can speak that'll make everything okay again."
Owen's spiky auburn locks flittered slightly in the muted summer breeze, the weather panting musky clouds of exhaustion. Sweat dripped down his muscled arms, droplets travelling along the rippling valleys.
"All I can say," I began again, letting the syllables whisk away into the clammy atmosphere, "is there comes a point in a relationship where you can decide whether you want to continue fighting for it or just let it go. And just because you choose to push on at that time doesn't mean there won't come another moment where you'll be faced with those two choices again." My thoughts started to muddle together to form a miasmic cocktail of haziness. I shook my head deliberately. "What I'm saying is, I guess love is just the decision to choose the same person, over and over again." I glanced up cautiously at the puppy-like blacksmith. "In your case, I think the question is whether love is enough."
Owen leaned back against the wooden rungs behind him, exhaling audibly. "Does anyone ever have the answer to that?" he smiled, melancholy. The earthy smog of Garmon Mine District – the melding of wrought metal, fresh lumber and woody forestry – started to thicken. We found ourselves caught in a dense stagnation.
"Love isn't about winning and losing."
"What is it about then?"
"Why don't you tell me?" I challenged him, the one who had been in a relationship for three years.
The words spilled out of his mouth, in true Owen fashion; never pausing to think about the reverberations that the things he said could bring about, "Giving someone the power to destroy you."
My hazel eyes wandered beyond the mining district, landing on the vague outline of a particular house in Flute Fields. Chase's house. Sometimes, I almost believed that if I opened the door, I would find him cooking inside, sarcastic remark just waiting to roll off the tip of his tongue. Amethyst eyes glimmering in our clandestine language. I ran a thumb over my mountainous knuckles. "But trusting that they won't," I affixed onto the end of his heavy sentence.
"Let me tell you what I learned from my relationship with Gill," I breathed soothingly, hoping that, even though we couldn't save ourselves, maybe it could save them, "You can't change someone to be your, 'perfect other.' Because no such thing exists. All you can do is love them as they are, the way they come to you and the person they grow to be. We're evolving every single day, and if you get too caught up with the past, you'll lose yourself in the present." I eyed Owen meaningfully. "And as for what I had with Chase," I trailed off, the word, 'relationship,' being far too light to describe the immensity of what we were so lucky to have had, "all I can tell you is that not everyone is blessed enough to end up with the person they want to." A poignant gloom tagged itself onto my sentence. "Or even the person they're meant to be with."
"You're right," I heard mumbled, "She's seen me at my lowest point, my miserable, wallowing worst, and she's still stuck by me." Shortly after, a barrage of kicked-up dust and gravel attacked me right in the face. "I have to go find her." Struggling to see through the sandy fog, I spotted Owen rushing down the path towards Harmonica Town. "Sorry!" he called out over his muscled shoulder, before swiftly turning his head and flashing me a candid smile, "And thanks."
I tittered under my breath, remaining seated on the sturdy step. Silently, I muttered a prayer that Newton's Law would indeed hold true.
The melody of clinking glasses shimmered through Brass Bar, fairies twirling on their ballerina shoes, baby pink satin ribbons lacing up their dainty ankles.
"Happy birthday, lovely," I called out into the sparkling air, grinning widely in Selena's direction. The magenta-haired beauty, and newly twenty-seven-year-old, flashed her tinged teeth in gratitude.
"Lovely?" Luna echoed evilly, "There are plenty of adjectives in the world to describe Selena, but, 'lovely,' is definitely not one of them." The cherry blossom accessories in her whipped cream ponytails shook in her part-condescending, part-playful giggles.
"What do you know?" Selena struck back, sharp nose facing upwards in haughty indignation, "You're only twenty-four. Let the twenty-seven-year-old mujer have her moment."
Selena and Luna always managed to butt heads, no matter what the subject was. It was part of their oldest-and-youngest-'sisters'-on-Castanet dynamic. Selena was deep, glittering ruby while Luna was pallid, kissable pink; both colours could never be mixed together without clashing into an unpleasant sight. Regardless, they always had the other's back, and their fearsomely sharp tongues made for formidable opponents.
"That biological clock ticking yet?" Luna remarked snidely, placing her petite hands on her hips, clothed in a lemon meringue-coloured petticoat.
"Not at all," Selena shot back, pearly purple eyes conveniently glazing over Luke's figure, idling by the bar with Gill, Toby and Owen. In the past year, Selena and Luke had dated briefly for two seasons, before she had dumped him like a sack of rice, citing, 'I have my reasons,' as her explanation. Kathy, Luna and I all remained puzzled by her rash decision, but we knew better than to probe when the ever-blunt Selena chose to clam up.
"Alright, ladies, pipe down," Kathy chastised good-naturedly, marshmallow lip-gloss catching the bar's dim light. Her emerald orbs followed Selena's stealthy gaze, catching Owen's twinkling eyes. They shared a tender smile, one that said we're going to get through this together. My heart relaxed, relief and glee gushing through my veins.
Selena's pupils rolled back into her head as she witnessed this discreet moment of intimacy, revealing the incensed whites of her eyes. "Por favor, do you have to be so disgustingly lovey-dovey?"
"Give it a rest," I chuckled to Selena, granting Kathy reprieve from the tanned-skinned woman's harsh mouth, "just because she's the only attached one among us."
"That break up's making you soft," Selena remarked in grating tones.
"Nothing wrong with that," Kathy retaliated, covering my back like I'd done for her.
"Well, at least somebody finally has her chance with the ice king now," Selena smirked maliciously, eyes drifting pointedly in Luna's direction, an onslaught of baby rose and pastel banana hues.
"Sel," Luna growled furiously, the barely hidden fieriness behind her cutesy exterior bubbling up to the surface; poison ivy coiling its thorny vines around her tinkling voice.
I blinked as my eyebrows furrowed by instinct. It was like the haphazardly tossed jigsaw pieces that I hadn't even known were there suddenly came together, fitting perfectly into the carved out spaces with satisfying clicks.
The time Gill and I had sniped at one another mercilessly in Sonata Tailoring, and Luna had manhandled us out, exasperation radiating from her powdered face.
The moments I had spoken about him to the girls, and the lavender-pink head had fallen unusually quiet, reserving her habitually brusque and unsolicited opinions.
The subdued smile she had donned when I announced to Candace and her that Gill had finally asked me to be his girlfriend, disappointment – heartbreak – swirling in her sky blue eyes.
"What? It's hardly like they're still together," Selena defended herself. Truly good intentions lounged at the bottom of her flagrantly frank actions.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I implored, guilt wringing my every word. I had stolen Gill from right underneath her nose, and she had stayed silent the entire time.
"I didn't want to get in the way."
"Luna, I'm so sorry." Genuine remorse rang through my tones. Sure, Luna was deathly nettle that could sting you to tears, but sometimes, I forgot that she was also berries and cream; sweet, pure, putting everyone else's needs before her own. She saw Gill and I slowly getting dangerously close, and she backed off.
She was beautiful in that way.
"It's fine," she brushed it off, throwaway, "You didn't know."
"I should have, though."
"Don't get all sappy on me now." Her venomous shield came up, while her mauve-painted lips curled softly upwards on one side, signaling how she had forgiven me a long time ago.
"See? Now Molly knows and he's yours for the taking," Selena snorted indelicately, in all her gladiolus glory. In the language of flowers, gladiolus meant strength of character. Selena was impeccably sure of herself – she never needed anyone else's validation. She was blazing, intense flames, burning on their own self-sustaining carbon dioxide. Being let into her life was a privilege, because she didn't need anyone else; if you were her friend, it was because she wanted you to be.
A faint carnation blush prettily painted the apples of Luna's round cheeks. "I'm not taking anybody," Luna spat back hastily, before changing her tones to much shyer ones. "But is it really alright?" she dared to venture cautiously, covertly asking if she could break the golden rule between women.
"I never should have interfered to begin with," I smiled benignly, indicating my unneeded permission. Liberation flapped its wings, soaring through the clouds. Free.
"Didn't that all work out perfectly?" Selena butted in once again, sly grin tugging at her plump, cinnamon lips.
"Oh, shut up," Kathy jested playfully, nudging Selena's curvaceous waist for good effect, "You're such a big bully."
"Stitched together with good intentions," Selena winked flirtatiously. I noticed Luke's feline eyes inconspicuously darting over to witness the sight. Unrequited love reigned in his longing gaze.
My eyes caught with Toby's, gleaming jade, as he raised a silvery eyebrow in reference to Luke's open pining. I burst out laughing, cheeks plumping up as the corners of my eyes creased in amusement.
"Get together already," Selena hissed under her breath, eyeballs swiveling in their sockets once again.
"Please, we're best friends. We could never date," I retorted.
"Hey, I'll have you know I'm a catch," Toby called out from where they stood, obvious allusion to his fisherman status coating his lighthearted words.
"You guys are eavesdropping?" I interrogated incredulously, mouth dropping open as the two groups turned to face one another.
"It's not our fault you girls were talking so loud," Owen teased, chocolate eyes melting as they met Kathy's.
"So you heard everything?" Luna asked hurriedly, dread trickling down her face like mascaraed teardrops.
Gill leaned back against the mahogany bar, liquor-stained surface sheeny with a polished coat. His slender fingers tucked themselves into his plaid shorts pockets. Frosty warmth emanated from his short sentence; never choosing to say more than what was needed. "Every single word."
Luna let out a humiliated squeak as the entire bar broke into rapturous laughter.
Friendship whirled in the air, like iridescent glitter falling from the heavens.
"You've changed, you know."
My head turned to face my best friend's serene smile, gentle hum leaving his lips as he watched the rippling ocean; newly turquoise, the way autumn wrung mint leaves of their glistening green and dripped the fragrant extract into the washing sea.
"Have I?" I mused back.
"Yeah. You're more you now."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I chuckled gleefully, in a strange combination of bewilderment and understanding.
We sat on the pier, looking out at the breathing ocean and its bubbling waves. Schools of bonito swam amongst themselves, aquamarine scales against their distinguishing black stripes creating a zigzagging of reflective lustre. The early morning rays of sun broke through the faraway mist, wrapping the velvety fog up in their arms until it was needed again – in that dreamy place between sleeping and awake.
"Exactly what it sounds like," Toby replied calmly, breathing in the young fall air; the slightest tinge of chill and floating leaves whisking through the graceful winds, "It's like you've come into your own. Became your own person."
He was right. This year had been, and would be, the year of letting go. Of understanding loss. Grace. Of being able to look at Gill and feel nothing but acceptance. Being able to think about Chase and not grow angry at the universe. Of learning the word, 'no,' and also being able to tell someone, 'you are not kind. But that doesn't mean I have to be unkind to you either. I know there is good inside of you.' The year of humanity and humility. Getting up and facing the sunshine so the shadows fell behind me, when the whole world couldn't get out of bed. Everyone I met this year said the same thing: 'you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?' This year, I broke open and dug out all the rot with my own two hands. It was the year I learnt how to smile at strangers. The year I understood I was at my best when I reached out and asked, 'what can I do to help?' The year of sugar, everywhere. Softness. Sweetness. Honey, honey. The year of being alone, and learning how much I liked it. The year of hugging my friends because I wanted them to know how much I appreciated them. The year I made peace and love, right here.
The year I fell in love with myself, and realized I was mine, always. I completed myself, and it felt like forever inside my chest; I knew that didn't make any sense, but that was what it felt like.
"I guess I have," I admitted delightedly, contentment settling in my heart. My hazel eyes lifted to the blurry horizon, the sun wafting its light fingers along the ocean's infinite edges. "Which version of me is better?" I asked jokily. I didn't need anybody's approval anymore. I knew who I was. I had always liked who I was.
"You don't need my validation," Toby replied in knowing tones, smiling softly. The morning illumination sang quietly against his coral lips, caressing the supple contours of his cupid's bow. "But you've always been you. We're changing everyday, after all. And you're still my best friend, because you're you. That's enough for me."
I beamed heartily at the fisherman before resting an arm on his shoulder, now clothed in his midnight navy over shirt. He was right again. I never noticed it, because we spent so much time together, but Toby had changed too, ever since our first meeting. Of course he had. We both had. With every season that passed, something about us had been altered. And that was okay. We accepted one another no matter what, even if we grew together or separately. That was the beauty of our friendship.
"Same here, buddy," I resonated, tranquility saturating the soothing atmosphere, "You're my best friend til' the end. You know that, right?"
"Unlucky me," he chortled jokingly, powder blue hair flickering between silver and gold in the dawn's smiling sunbeams.
"I'm glad I met you," I confessed in a newly acquainted candour, which had undoubtedly rubbed off from Toby onto me, "I'm thankful you exist."
"Look at you, being a softie," he laughed noiselessly, kindness exuding from his wrinkle-free eyes. He had once told me that the most important decision he had ever made was to love everyone and everything. He was the only person I'd ever known to have a viewable aura of light around him. When he was younger, his father had said to him: never forget to love the world, to love people. To be light. He was already mine. "Same here."
Disclaimer: I do not own Warsan Shire's work or '10 things I will tell my daughter' by Julia LaValley.
Author's Note: I sure hope I haven't severely disappointed some of you who were rooting for Molly to end up with Gill! But, well, never say never. I guess I could always pull a fast one like the real HIMYM writers did (I am still reeling from the shock.) I do, however, love hearing your guesses as to who the father could be! Thank you so much for reading, all your support and your kind words. I appreciate all of it to no end. Please review/follow/like and let me know your thoughts!