I Am Not My Father

I came back inside slowly, my face still a bit red, wishing I knew a spell to make myself disappear. Thank God, neither Evelyn or Severus said anything to me about my little display outside with Monkey. I glanced up at my dad, but before I could say anything, he spoke.

"I'm glad to see you're up and about, Gavin. You seem much better today than yesterday."

"I am. A little."

"I'd like to talk with you a bit," he began cautiously.

"Okay," I agreed, knowing it was long overdue.

"After breakfast, if you don't mind," put in Evelyn. She gave me the once over and sighed. "You're too thin, child. You need to eat more or else you'll waste away to a shadow."

"Yes, ma'am," I said, and even managed a half smile.

I wasn't really hungry, but I didn't want to hurt Evelyn's feelings by refusing breakfast. Dad helped Evelyn make pancakes and sausages, while I called Monkey in from the backyard, she was playing with Snowball, and we set the table. Actually, I set the table, since Jane had no clue how to, we'd never gone in much for that kind of thing with the Ravens, and her mom didn't bother teaching her stuff like that either, I guess.

She watched me and copied what I did. I'd learned from Sev, we'd never bothered with proper place settings at Morningstar, we just grabbed a plate and silverware from the plastic bins and snagged a spot at one of the long tables. But when I'd moved in with my dad, he'd taught me the correct way to set a table and to clear it. And to eat at it too, with my mouth closed and slowly, and to ask for dishes and not grab them like there was no tomorrow.

I put a fork and a knife on a napkin beside a plate and smirked to myself. I hadn't even known there were rules like that before I'd lived with Severus. That first month had been quite an eye opener. For both of us. I wished desperately I could go back to that time, when all I had to worry about was learning about forks and knives and remembering not to swear every other minute.

Soon the food was ready and we all sat down, said Grace, since that was Evelyn's rule at the table, and ate. The pancakes were wonderful, my dad's recipe, filled with bananas and walnuts and cinnamon. I took a bite and suddenly I was ravenous for the first time in days. But I ate slowly, since I hadn't been eating all that much before and I didn't want to throw up the first decent meal I'd eaten since recovering from the midnight mushroom poisoning.

I drizzled the pancake with syrup and also ate a sausage patty. I had milk with my breakfast and not tea, at Dad's insistence. "You need the calcium and the vitamins," he told me.

I drank it, I'd rather drink milk than take that disgusting Nutrient Potion any day of the week. Evelyn asked Monkey if she wanted to come shopping with her. "I need to pick up a few things from the grocery store, dear, and I need a young pair of arms. I can't bend down or reach up the way I used to. Would you like to come and help me?"

"Sure, Evelyn. I don't mind," Jane agreed, and her eyes lit up. Typical girl. Mention shopping, to anywhere, and it's like she won the lottery.

Then again, Monkey probably never got to go shopping with anybody much, and she seemed to enjoy Evelyn's company a lot. Plus, it would give me and Dad a chance to talk privately, which I was betting was Evelyn's original intention.

So the two women left right after we'd washed the breakfast dishes, the Muggle way, not with magic, since Dad said he didn't think it was safe for me to use magic right now. He wanted to make sure all the midnight mushroom was totally gone before I tried to cast spells.

Once we were alone, Dad and I went into the den to talk, since I was sick of being in my room finally, and the couch was more comfortable than my bed. We sat a few feet away from each other, and at first there was an awkward silence between us. I waited for him to break it, figuring he was going to start lecturing me sometime, so might as well get it over with.

"Will you tell me what went on while you were with the Brotherhood?" Dad asked quietly.

I swallowed hard. Lectures and anger I could deal with. That was what I deserved, after all. Not this . . .this kindness. "Do I have to?"

"I think it would do you good to talk about it, Gavin. Keeping your feelings bottled up inside of you isn't . . .healthy."

"Now you sound like Arista."

His mouth twitched into a smile. "Nevertheless, what I said is true. If it helps, perhaps you could imagine her here instead of me."

I shook my head. While I loved my sister, I'd never want her to know what I'd done. "Okay." I took a deep breath, then I told him of how I had gone back to the mansion to rescue Monkey, my fight with the guard who'd been beating her, and how I had listened in on the conversation between Hawthorne and Hart. I also told of the rescue attempt and how Hawthorne had breathed some kind of blue powder on me and made me pass out.

"That was midnight mushroom," said my father. "That first dose inhibited your magic."

"Yeah, but I didn't know that then. And when I woke up I was all fuzzy headed and I couldn't think straight. Then they gave me something else, I felt one of them stick me with a needle."

"Dominaltride. That's a drug that compels obedience, much like the Imperius Curse," Dad explained softly. "It's a highly illegal substance, as I'm sure you've guessed. It was used during the Vietnam War on American prisoners by the Viet Cong. After that it was banned, but you can get it if you know the right people."

"You've used it?" I asked.

"Of course not. I don't traffic in illegal drugs," he gave me an irritated look. "I know of it because it's always wise to know the means and substances of your enemies, so you can be prepared to counter them. The Brotherhood has been known to favor using that particular drug. You would have had no defense against it, Gavin."

"I could've fought harder," I argued. "I just did whatever he wanted. And . . .and I wanted to, Dad. When he told me to do something and I agreed it felt . . .great. I was happy, even when he was telling me to find someone."

"That's how dominaltride operates, Gavin. So long as you obey the commands of your master, you feel good. Child, that drug is worse than even the Imperius, because at least that curse can be fought off, if one is extremely strong willed. But the dominaltride can't be fought, not at all, not when it's first administered. The only time you can fight it is when it begins to wear off. You cannot blame yourself for what you did while under its influence, Gavin."

"Why not?" I cried. "It was me finding all those witches and the wizard. He told me I was the witch finder and I believed him! And when he'd killed the first woman, he came up to me and told me I did a good job and I was proud of it! Proud to have killed a witch. What the hell kind of person does that make me?" I stared down at my hands, sickened and ashamed. But he wouldn't let me look away, and I felt a hand reach out and pull my chin up, so I had to look at him.

"A child who was drugged and coerced into hurting people. It's only natural that you would want to seek his approval, that is what a child does with a parent. Even when it's not reciprocated." His expression darkened. "Believe me, no one knows better than I the futility of trying to please a man who is never satisfied, who wants you to become something you never can be."

"How?"

"Because I spent the first ten years of my life trying to please my father. The tyrant who beat me every chance he got, who drank himself into oblivion nearly every night, and made my mother's and my life hell until she finally left him." He coughed and I could tell that speaking about this was not easy for him, it roused memories best left sleeping.

"Like Ferrous," I muttered, spitting the orphanage manager's name like a curse. "Who was a member of the Brotherhood too, the bastard."

Dad didn't look surprised. "I would have figured that, based on what he said to you and how he acted, although there are plenty of people who hate and fear wizards that don't belong to the Shining Path. My father, for instance. Tobias Snape was terrified of wizards, and he hid that fear with alcohol and anger. That's something I only realized later, when I was an adult."

I frowned. "But why'd he marry your mom then?"

"Who knows? I asked myself that question for over half my life and never came up with a satisfactory answer. And my mother never discussed him after we left, so I never discovered why she chose to marry him. She was fairly young when she had me, however, nineteen or twenty, perhaps they married because she was pregnant. Perhaps they loved each other once and it changed when he started drinking and hitting her. It's the mystery of the age," Dad said with a bitter smile. "What I do know is that she promised him she'd never use magic against him, and she never did, except that one time when she Stunned him after I got my Hogwarts letter and he went crazy and broke my jaw after I mouthed off to him."

I winced. Nasty as Ferrous had been, he'd never broken bones. "Was that when you left?"

"Yes. That was the last straw."

"Did he hit her a lot?"

"When he was drunk, which was most of the time, he was like a rabid animal. He'd lash out at anybody. He let his temper rule him then and heaven help you if you crossed his path. I think I spent half of my time as a four year old when I wasn't in school hiding under my bed or in a closet at home. My mother worked long hours so she could put food on the table, but his only work was gambling and drinking. He liked cards and dice, he played down at the pub at the end of the street. I used to pray for a good run, because when he won at least he was in a good mood and I didn't have to be afraid he'd whip me for looking at him wrong. I used to hide behind my hair, because if he couldn't see my eyes, he wouldn't think I was looking at him."

I nodded, understanding him perfectly. "Ferrous was like that too. I'd look up at him to see what he wanted and he'd say, what the hell you lookin' at, freak? I wouldn't answer, or sometimes I'd just say "nothing, sir!" and next thing I knew he'd backhand me across the face and scream, "Never look me in the eye, idiot! Eyes on the ground, 'cause that's where freaks like you belong." I hated him, but at the same time I wanted to please him, stupid as that sounds. I thought if I did everything the way he wanted, he wouldn't get mad and hit me anymore."

"So did I. My father hated any talk of magic, so my mother and I kept our talks secret, snatched here and there, when he was gone out or passed out on the floor. When he was awake, I tried as hard as I could to be a normal boy, because that's what he said he wanted. God, how I tried to please that man! I never could though. No matter what I did, I was wrong. I remember once, I had come home from school with a science test I'd gotten the highest grade in the class on, and I was sure he'd tell me he was proud of me that time, and I go and show it to him and he looks at it and says "That teacher in school teach you how to make beer yet, boy?" And I said no,sir, they don't teach stuff like that there, and he sneered at me and said, "Well, what good are you then? Useless bookworm!" Then he smacked me and told me to fetch him another shot. I did, but then I was stupid enough to point out I'd gotten the highest grade in my class, and he laughed and said, "Yeah, you're brilliant, Severus. Smart enough to remember fancy Latin names of animals, but not smart enough to keep your bloody mouth shut and not answer me back!" Next thing I knew, he'd grabbed the strap off the wall, and had me over his knee. Of course I thought at the time I deserved it. I didn't, of course, all I'd done was get a good mark on a test, something I should have been rewarded for, but not in my house. I was probably the only kid in primary school that got whipped for bringing home good marks."

"What about your mom? Was she proud of you?"

"Yes. She encouraged me to do well in school, and I did. But somehow it wasn't enough. I wanted his approval too, don't ask me why, and I tried my hardest to get it, but I never did. And the harder I tried, the more it seemed he resented me for it. My mother used to have arguments with him sometimes, late at night, when she came home, asking him why he couldn't be nicer to me, told him it wouldn't kill him to say I'd done a good job every once in awhile. And he'd sneer at her and say "Well, Eileen, I want a lot of things, like a normal son instead of a freak and money to get out of this dump, and I still don't have them. So why should he?" Selfish bastard! That's when my mum would defend me and then he'd smack her one too. Once or twice I tried to stop him, when I was seven or eight, but the last time I did that, he nearly beat me to death, so much so that my mother used potions to heal me, and made me promise to never do that again. She tried to protect me as best she could, only there was no real protection from the monster I lived with. Do you understand what I'm saying, Gavin?"

"You're saying that I had no defense against Hawthorne and the drugs he gave me."

"Yes. Matthew Hawthorne was a first class manipulator, and he knew exactly what to do once he had you under the influence of dominaltride. He could have made you do almost anything, son. He stole away your memories and told you he was your father and you believed him, as was only natural, then he used your natural impulse to please him to make you do what he wanted, things that you would never do if you weren't tricked into it. Did he threaten to punish you if you disobeyed?"

I nodded. "I didn't want to keep drinking this Coke he was giving me, it was spiked with the powder, I think, but when I tried to say no, he told me to drink it or else he'd whip my ass. So I did." I shook my head in disgust. "I ought to have let him do it, but I was too much of a coward."

"No! It's not cowardice to want to prevent yourself from getting beaten, Gavin, it's a survival instinct. Anybody else would have reacted the same way. Did you know what he was giving you would harm you worse than a whipping? No. So you went with the lesser of two evils. You had no choice. The blame lies with him, for treating his child like a dog, not you, Gavin. He's to blame for all of this, not you."

I wanted to believe that, God I did, and yet that little voice in my head was pointing out that none of this would've happened if I'd just done what Severus had said and kept my nose out of his investigation. "But it is my fault!" I blurted, the guilt gnawing me. "If I had told you instead and not-not gone sneaking around behind your back, none of this would have happened."

"Yes, that you are responsible for, Mr. Snape, but that's a separate issue entirely, and we'll discuss your punishment for that another time. You were not intending to get captured, nor become a pawn for the Enforcer to use against us. Gavin, Hawthorne committed the crime, not you, child. He made you the witch finder against your will and it is he who is responsible for all the atrocities."

"Tell that to the court, when those families press charges against me," I said with a soft mocking laugh.

He reached out then and took me by the shoulders. "Gavin Albus Snape, nobody is going to press charges against you. You're a minor that was under the influence of a mind-altering drug, and you didn't kill those people. So get that notion out of your head. Hawthorne is the evil one here."

"Yeah, but I'm his son," I spat bitterly. "Spawn of the devil, like Ferrous always said. I hate him, but he's part of me. How do you know I won't turn out to be just like him?"

"Because you're not your father, Gavin. Just because you've got his blood doesn't mean you have to become him, child. Am I like Tobias Snape?"

"No. But-"

"No, because I made the choice, long ago, to never be like him. When I was eighteen, and he lay dying in that Muggle hospital of liver failure, I came to see him one last time. I hoped we might part without anger, even though I loathed him for what he'd done to me. But my mother asked me to try and forgive him, so I was determined to try, it was one of her last wishes. He was sleeping when I got there, and I called him, "It's Severus, Dad," and he opened his eyes and said, "Oh, it's you. Still a wizard freak?" And I said yes, that's what I was and always would be. And he spat at me and told me to leave, that I was the last person he wanted to see, hovering over him like a damn vampire. I told him I was there for my mother, not him, and he sneered and said I was always more her son than his and he was always disappointed he'd sired a freak instead of a real man. And I lost it then, and I bent down near his ear and whispered in it, "I thank God every day I'm not like you, you miserable bastard! And I never will be!" He nearly had a fit then, and he died soon after that, unforgiven and unmourned. Just the way he wanted." Dad sighed and rubbed his temples. "I haven't thought about that in over twenty years, but that was the day I vowed to never become my father. That's why I don't drink hard liquor or gamble or let my temper run away with me. That's why I hardly ever discipline with my hand, because I refuse to be the demon I grew up with. I might be Tobias Snape's son, but I'll be damned if I'm going to act like him. I'm better than that, and so are you Gavin."

"You really think so?" I asked, and my voice trembled.

"I know so. Hawthorne might have donated his body, but that doesn't mean you've inherited his wickedness. Anymore than I did my father's. You can choose, as I did, and you have. When I faced him in the hall, you turned on him, you attacked him. You made a choice to turn your back on darkness, and the witch finder died then, Gavin. And the only thing you are right now, is my son, Gavin Albus Snape, and whatever you've done, I forgive you for it. Now and always." He grabbed me then and drew me into a hug that nearly crushed me.

I buried my face in his shoulder, clinging to him, sobbing over and over, "I'm sorry! I really am!" and he held me and hushed me and let me fall apart all over him, because I needed to right then. I cried for what seemed like hours, and the only thing I cared about was that he was there, holding me, and I was safe, the way it was meant to be.

Eventually I stopped crying and I lifted my head to look at him, I felt like a dishrag, wrung out and worn. And to my astonishment, I saw he'd been crying too. "Dad? What're you crying for?"

"Because I nearly lost you, child. I'm sorry I didn't protect you better."

I gaped at him. "Dad, no! You shouldn't blame yourself, it was my stupid fault. You saved me, you know."

"We saved each other," he whispered and hugged me again. "I love you, Gav."

"Love you too, Dad," I said, and I meant it with all my heart.

"And God help you, child, if you ever do anything so foolish again," he growled in my ear. "I'll-"

"Spank the daylights out of me?" I threw back. "Ground me forever?"

"Yes, you incorrigible brat! But I will always love you. Never doubt that." And his hand began to stroke my hair, running his long fingers through the dark strands, and I curled up against him, exhausted and fell asleep. I was not my father, was my last thought as I drifted off, or rather, I was not Matthew Hawthorne. Because I would count myself blessed if I was like my dad, Severus Snape.

How did you like that conversation?

Dominaltride is not a real drug, it's made up, but based on some real obedience type drugs that are out there.

Next: The Snapes return home and Gavin realizes something else about his father.