AUTHOR'S NOTES: This chapter takes place while Sam and Dean are working the case from the episode 'Sam, Interrupted'. I wanted to delve into how Fiona's doing with everything that's happened since she killed Lilith. Needless to say, she's not doing as well as she's led everyone to believe.

Chapter 20

Absorbed in working on the latest homicide victim, Dr. Donald Mallard didn't look up when he heard the Autopsy doors hiss open. "Ahh, Jethro. Sorry, but I don't have anything for you as yet. I've only just started."

"I was hoping you'd have a minute to talk," Fiona said, smiling when Ducky looked up at her, surprised.

"Miss Brendon," Ducky said, pleasantly. "Of course. That is, if you don't mind me working while we talk?"

Fiona nodded. "Not a problem." Looking at the body, she asked, "What happened to him?"

"Not entirely sure yet, I'm afraid," Ducky said as he removed the man's ribcage. "No obvious signs of injury so I'm hoping the blood and tissue samples can shed some light on things." Looking up at Fiona again, he noticed that she seemed disheartened and said, "I get the impression you aren't here to discuss the case."

Fiona smiled at how perceptive Ducky was. "Sam and Dean are on a case. I just… didn't feel like going with them." The smile faded and she seemed older than 35 as she said, "I'm just tired, Ducky."

Ducky could hear in Fi's voice that she was depressed and nodded, thoughtfully. "If you'll give me a few hours, you and I can talk more extensively."

Fiona looked round as she heard the doors open again and saw Gibbs coming in. Turning back to Ducky, she tried to sound casual as she said, "See you later, Ducky."

Watching Fiona leave, Gibbs wondered what was going on. As he turned to his old friend, he noticed that Ducky seemed unusually quiet. "Something going on, Duck?"

"I'm worried about that girl, Jethro," Ducky admitted once the doors were closed. "Fiona seems to be getting increasingly depressed."

Gibbs sighed as he thought about his goddaughter. He hadn't said anything to her, but he knew the signs of depression first hand. "I know, Duck."

"Then you need to talk with her," Ducky pressed, giving his friend his full attention. "Fiona is your goddaughter and she needs you."

19 Years Ago

"Gunny… They're both dead."

The words kept echoing in Jethro Gibbs' mind.

Dead.

Shannon and Kelly were dead.

Gibbs sat on the couch in the living room, his head bowed and his gun in his hands. He'd been doing this for—well, he'd lost track of how many days. How was he supposed to live with this? The pain he felt was overwhelming and he wanted it to stop more than anything.

Flicking the gun safety off, Gibbs ignored the persistent knocking at the door. Neighbors had been stopping by with increasing frequency, but he didn't want company. He wanted to be alone.

"Jethro, open up!" Someone shouted.

It took Gibbs a moment to recognize John Winchester's voice. But instead of hollering back or getting up to open the door, Gibbs just ignored his friend's voice and turned his attention back to his gun. But a moment later, he flinched ever so slightly when the front door was suddenly kicked in.

"Jethro," James Brendon said, calmly, as he walked into the room, seeing his best friend holding his Beretta and looking like any moment, he was going to shoot himself. "Give me the gun, man."

John and James slowly approached Gibbs, not wanting to make any sudden movements incase Gibbs suddenly decided to pull the trigger. "Jethro, we know how you feel, okay?" John said as he reached out a hand for the Beretta. "God, I remember when Mary died. I thought about blowing my brains out the entire month after it happened."

James nodded, watching Gibbs the whole time. "And when Chase was in that car crash? But you wouldn't let either John or me go out like that, Jethro."

Gibbs' hands shook as he continued to stare at the gun. Looking up at his best friends, tears falling down his face, he said, "But you guys still have your families. James, you've got Fiona. And John, you've got Dean and Sammy… I lost Shannon and Kelly!"

"I know," John replied, nodding as he took another step towards Gibbs. "I can't imagine if something happened to Sam and Dean. But what would Shannon say if she saw you like this? Or Kelly?"

John and James stiffened suddenly when Gibbs' grip on his gun steadied. But to their relief, Gibbs slowly held out his gun and when James took it, he removed the clip and emptied the chamber before putting the safety on and going to put the gun somewhere safe.

"It's gonna be okay," John assured Gibbs as he sat on the couch next to him. "It'll be hard—I'm not gonna lie. But you'll get through this."

Present Day

Finding Fiona in Abby's lab, Gibbs waited until Fiona met his eye before he looked at his forensic scientist. "Abbs, give us a minute?"

Abby nodded and turned her music off before heading into the ballistics lab and closing the door.

After grabbing Abby's chair from her office, Gibbs paused a moment before he said, "Fiona, I promised your dad I'd always be there for you. When I lost Shannon and Kelly, he and John Winchester moved in for 5 months to make sure I kept that promise." Taking Fi's hands in his, he said, "You can talk to me about anything. I'm not going to judge you."

"I started the Apocalypse," Fiona said, finally. "I released Lucifer from Hell. And you and Sam and Dean… How can you possibly forgive me for that?" Looking at the wheelchair she sat in and her useless legs, she felt tears in her eyes as she said, "I deserve so much worse than this."

But Gibbs didn't believe that and he knew that deep down, Fiona didn't really believe it, either. "Fiona…" He waited until her eyes met his before he continued speaking. "You do not deserve this." Seeing her about to object, Gibbs pressed on. "You did what you did to try to help your friends. It backfired. That's all."

Fiona was openly sobbing now but she felt some comfort when Gibbs squeezed her hands, gently. "I've tried so hard to be tough," she said, looking almost embarrassed. "Sometimes I just want to die. Everything's so hard and I just want it all to stop."

Gibbs scooted as close to Fiona as he could and pulled her into a hug. She held onto him and cried on his shoulder while he just held her. It was a small thing, but it reminded Gibbs that although his goddaughter was a Marine and a demon hunter, she was also human.

xxxxxxxxxxx

In one of the conference rooms off of the squad room, Ducky and Fiona sat alone, facing one another across the table. Fiona leaned forward, hands clasped before her. Ducky was patient, waiting for Fi to talk to him.

"Wh… When I woke up in the hospital and couldn't feel my legs, it felt like my world had come crashing down," Fiona began. "I wasn't a Marine anymore… and if I couldn't walk there was no way I could be a hunter. I wanted to…" She sighed and leaned forward more. "I'm not a coward, Ducky."

"Fiona, how you are feeling is entirely natural," Ducky replied, honestly. After a moment, he put his hand on hers. "Just talk, my dear."

Fiona sighed and after a long while, she went on. "It was so easy at first. You know—acting tough. I mean, somehow I'd automatically accepted what happened to me. In the Marines I saw friends end up trying to kill themselves because of injuries and I swore that I was not going to go down that road."

Ducky thought about that for a while and he asked, "Then why have you thought about it?"

Looking at Ducky as though he was oblivious, she said, "I started the Apocalypse. The world is going to end because of me."

But instead of being judgmental, Ducky was as kind and supportive as always. "How many lives have you saved, Fiona? How many people are walking around because you were there? And how many could have been lost if you were gone?"

Fiona had to admit that Ducky had a point. There had been Pamela Barnes… and Jo Harvelle would have certainly died if Fi hadn't been there. "I just don't know how I can keep doing this, Ducky. You don't know how hard it is trying to be strong about this."

"No, I don't," Ducky admitted with a slight shake of his head. But he squeezed Fiona's hands with his as he met her eyes and went on. "But I know how strong you are. I know that ever since you were 18 you were determined to make your own way in the world and you weren't going to accept charity from anyone. But it is alright to accept help every once in a while."

Getting back to Fiona's townhouse two days later, Sam and Dean were at first on alert at finding the front door unlocked. Ever since she'd stabbed herself, Fiona had been more diligent on locking the doors before going to bed.

But when the brothers found Gibbs sitting at the kitchen table, they relaxed slightly. "Didn't expect you to drop by," Dean said as he dropped his bag on the floor next to Sam's. Seeing how serious the older NCIS agent looked, Dean started to wonder if this was a social call or something else. "What's going on?" he asked, sharply.

"Sit," Gibbs said, nodding at the two Winchesters. When they had done so, Gibbs poured three glasses of bourbon from the fresh bottle he'd brought over. "We need to talk. About Fiona."

"She's okay, isn't she?" Sam asked, instantly thinking worst case scenario. A quick glance at Dean showed that he'd been thinking the same thing.

Gibbs didn't answer right away, but after sipping his drink he said, "Your dad and James Brendon are a large part of the reason I'm still here. I owe John and James my life."

"We get that," Dean assured him, solemnly. Sipping his own drink, he added, "I don't want to think about what might have happened to Sammy and me if it wasn't for Fi."

Gibbs was grateful that the brothers understood how important Fiona was to them, but he also had a feeling that they didn't quite understand just how Fiona was feeling lately. "And she wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."

Sam frowned and shrugged at that, not sure what Gibbs meant. "Well, yeah… She's saved both our asses plenty of times."

But Dean had caught on to what the senior agent was saying. And while he didn't say anything, he gave a single nod to indicate that he understood. He'd had his suspicions for weeks now—ever since Gabriel had them 'channel surfing'. But the more Dean thought about it, the more he realized that Fiona had been depressed long before then. She tried to seem as tough as ever, but he knew that it was an act.

Looking at Sam and Dean, Gibbs could see that they were starting to understand. But there was something else he needed to say to the two younger men. "Sam…"

Sam Winchester looked at Gibbs and knew that he was in for the 'Dad Warning'.

Gibbs liked Sam. He knew just by looking at the kid that he would treat Fiona well. But Gibbs was still a godfather, and as such, he had to issue a proper warning. "I know you care about Fiona, Sam," he said, quietly. "And I know you'd do anything for her. And if you hurt her, I will make sure that you regret it every day for the rest of your life."

There was very little Sam could say to that, other than—"Yes, sir," Sam said, nodding insistently.

When Gibbs turned to Dean, he knew that the other hunter wouldn't be as easy to intimidate. More than that, Gibbs also knew that if Dean hurt Ziva, the Mossad officer would get payback far quicker and more efficiently than Gibbs could. "Ziva's family," Gibbs said to Dean. "I don't have to tell you what would happen if you messed with family."

"No, you don't," Dean replied. He knew about what happened when you messed with family. Hell, there were more than a few times he'd sworn vengeance because someone had hurt someone close to him.

Besides, if he broke Ziva's heart, he'd be dead before he'd have a chance to regret it.