Chapter Twenty

I woke up the next morning to a cloudy day. In fact, I looked closer to see that it was raining. I saw Johnny on the other side of the room sitting in a rocking chair and playing with his hands. His face didn't express anything but pure sadness. His eyes were the saddest that they ever were. His hair, instead of being straight and long, was all over the place and tangled. I looked over at the clock. Noon. I was still a little tired from what happened last night, but I decided that if Johnny had the guts to be awake, then so did I.

The way he looked scared me because he reminded me of the way I would look during those two years that he was gone. Johnny wasn't there and I had to go through that pain all by myself. But now, he had someone here for him. I knew he wasn't completely as bad as I was. Johnny had too much pride to try and kill himself like I tried to, and I knew that even now, he'd still hide how he was really feeling around the rest of the members. But still...I wasn't used to seeing him this fucked up. And I knew that it'd take a lot of work to help him recover again as much as possible. I was the only one here who saw him with his guard down, so I knew he loved me enough to trust me on helping him to become better. "J-John?" I sat up more in the bed.

"Hi, Angie." His voice was a strained whisper. "I went to sleep last night...dreaming of my dad, and I woke up. I couldn't sleep after that." His eyes were red and he had dark circles underneath them.

"Baby, you should try and rest-"

"I can't. I can't sleep."

"But you must be exhausted."

He nodded slowly. "I feel like I might drop dead any minute now." He dug into his back pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes. What the...Johnny didn't smoke.

"Baby, why-"

"I haven't smoked since I was in my early twenties, but now I have to all the time." He lit one and sat there blowing smoke into the room. Great. Now my boyfriend was a smoker.

"John, listen. You really should get some rest-"

"You know what hurts the most, Angie?" He coughed. "I didn't talk with my dad for like two months. And the last time we spoke...he yelled at me about how he didn't like the fact that I was in the Ramones." He laughed humorlessly then continued. "My dad and his brothers never really approved of me being into music."

"But aren't you glad you didn't listen? I mean John, music is your passion. This is what you love."

He shook his head slowly. "I don't know what I love anymore. I don't know...I just don't know."

I never saw Johnny this miserable in my entire life, and it was really breaking my heart. His sadness outgrew and sapped away the anger he had, which I knew was part of his personality. He had nothing left, really. And it pained me to see him in this kind of mood. I felt like there was nothing I could do to help either, which made me feel even more awful.

Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door.

"Come in." I sat up.

It was Dee Dee. "Uh...hey, look I know this is real bad timin' but uh...the guys were gonna go out for a couple of drinks. You guys wanna come? 'Ey John, maybe it'll help ya to just be numb for a bit, ya know?"

Johnny didn't respond, just continued to pollute his lungs with the cigarette squashed between his index and middle finger.

"Sorry Dee Dee, but we're just gonna stay here for now. Thanks a lot though," I said.

"Alright. Well see ya later." Dee Dee put his hand on Johnny's shoulder. "Feel better, man."

Johnny said nothing.

The door closed behind Dee Dee, leaving dead silence. Neither I or him spoke. What was there to talk about? I felt like there was nothing I could say to cheer Johnny up. He'd hit rock bottom, and it really hurt me to see him this way. "Baby, are you hungry?"

Johnny shook his head. "No." He smoked on his cigarette more. "I don't plan on eating anything."

"John, you have to eat something-"

"Well I don't fuckin' feel like it, 'kay?"

I shut my mouth after that. I got up from the bed and walked over to the window. I was beginning to miss my room back in Maryland. I missed my mom. I missed Mayra. I missed everyone. I heard Johnny sigh, then I heard footsteps approach me. I felt warm fingers make their way to my arms, then I felt soft lips on my neck.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry, Angie."

"It's alright, I know I'm being annoying."

"No, no no." Johnny kissed my neck again. "I know you're just trying to help." He took his hands off of me and leaned against the wall next to the window, staring down at his hands. "I know I'm not the easiest guy to be around, Angie. But I'm trying. I'm really trying." He sighed. "Look, I know you love me, but I think it's important I tell ya this."

My heart skipped a beat. "Is something wrong, honey?"

He shook his head. "No, I just need to get this off my chest. And I trust you."

I took his hands. "I know you do. Tell me, what's up?"

He sighed. "Well back in my early twenties, like a couple years after I graduated high school, I was kind of a delinquent. I…I did terrible things to people, ya know? I stole money and beat people up. I was…" He laughed humorlessly. "God, I was bad. I was a real bad kid. And lookin' back, I really don't know why I did those things."

"You just needed somebody to love you. You needed someone to be there for you."

"Well I had friends and stuff, but-"

"Were they real friends? Or just people you hung out with and drank with?"

He said nothing after that.

"John, I mean real people that were there for you. You probably didn't have that, so it made you sad."

"I wasn't sad, I just-"

"Yeah you were, deep inside. Way deep inside you, you were probably sad that you didn't have people you could count on. So you acted out in being a delinquent or whatever. I took a psychology course in high school, actually. So I might know you better than you know yourself."

Johnny laughed. "Yeah, I guess you would, eh?"

I smiled and kissed his nose. Then we became serious again. "But John, you have someone here for you now. I told you that I'd never leave you. I'll always be here for you no matter what. I'll listen to you when you need to yell at someone."

"I shouldn't yell at you, though. You don't deserve to be treated that way by your own boyfriend." He put his hands on my face.

I shrugged. "I'm used to you yelling. I understand you get angry sometimes."

"So? Doesn't matter. I still shouldn't do it. I'm sorry I've been acting weird lately. I just really miss my dad."

"I know John." I grabbed him and hugged him. "I know…I miss mine too. You and I are in the same boat here."

We stayed that way for a long time. I was hoping that some type of miracle would occur. Something good had to happen. Life has been too shaky, too unstable. I wanted it all to be good from now on. And somehow, I sensed that coming. I just didn't know when.

"You know, babe? I think I'm startin' to feel a lot better."

I nodded. "That's great to hear. I'm glad."

"And I think you're right. I never had any real friends at that time. You're my best friend, Angie."

My eyes filled with tears and I looked him in the eyes. "You really mean that John?"

He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I mean it. You seem to understand me when no one else does. I don't know how or why, but you do. And…man, I love you so goddamn much. I don't know how I survived two years without you in my arms." His mouth crashed on mine, and he kissed me sweetly, leaving small, sexy pecks on my lips and jawline. Then he moved his mouth back to mine and we kissed passionately.

I suddenly felt warm tears on my cheeks. Those tears weren't mine. They were Johnny's. His tears mingled with mine and we both cried silently together while kissing. And although my eyes were closed, I felt warm sunlight hit my face. It stopped raining. I think that was a sign that sunnier days were coming toowards us. No more sadness, no more…life was about to get so much better for the both of us. And I felt for the others as well…but what in the world was going to happen?