A/N- Once again an apology for the delay. My life is just a bit too hectic to get around to post this thing lately. But once again I want to thank all of you who have let such heartfelt reviews. I really, really do appreciate it. We still have a little ways to go before this is completely wrapped up, but the end is getting closer.
Nick looked in through the window as a nurse helped Greg get his stuff together. Nick was taking him home today. He hoped he knew what he was doing. Greg was still in such a fragile state and even though he promised he wouldn't try to take his life again, Nick wasn't so sure. He had seen the look in Greg's eyes and it still scared him. He only hoped with Greg's parents sticking around to be there for Greg when Nick couldn't be he would be okay. They had to prove to him life was worth living still.
"You can go in now and take him home. Here is his medication. Make sure he is taking all of it as scheduled. Dr. Levine signed his release papers earlier. Take care," the female nurse named Nancy, smiled as she left him.
Nick walked in and saw Greg standing up, wearing the jeans and pullover hoodie Nick had brought in from home for him. The jeans looked really loose on him. He didn't realize he had lost so much weight recently. Greg looked at him and gave him a sheepish smile. "Guess you will be buying me more fattening, comfort foods again. I didn't realize I had lost as much weight as I have."
"Guess I will be," Nick replied with a small smile. He was glad that Greg had noticed it on his own. He didn't want to bring it up, fearing it would have been a cause for an argument. "So are you ready to go home? Nancy gave me your medication and schedule."
Greg nodded. "Yes, Dr. Levine was in earlier and gave me the speech and she also told me about my medication schedule from Dr. Smith. You might as well start calling me a druggie," he said with an attempt at a joke. He was trying to lighten the mood, seeing as Nick looked so serious and worried. He knew he was the reason why and knew Nick was still wondering if he was going to try to kill himself again. He had been trying to keep positive thoughts in the last few hours, preparing himself to go home. It wasn't easy but Dr. Levine had talked to him again and told him to look at all the good things in his life and that his troubles were coming to a close now, since news that Brad Jamison had been brought in.
Nick frowned. "I won't call you that. I just want you to be well." Greg sighed, seeing his act to lighten the mood didn't work. "I know. Can we go now?"
"Sure, follow me to the parking garage," Nick said. Greg nodded and remained quiet as they walked out of the hospital to the parking garage to Nick's SUV. Greg felt anxiety building inside him as he strapped on the seat belt. He looked over at Nick who was staring straight ahead; seemingly almost annoyed that Greg hadn't said anything. He turned his head away and looked out the window. He felt like Nick didn't really want to take care of him because he knew he was so unstable. He would probably prove him right too. He couldn't even control his emotions right now as he felt tears fall down his cheeks. He was such a mess for a human being.
Nick caught out of the corner of his eyes Greg turning away after looking at him. He knew he had been staring at him but he didn't know what to say to him anymore. He started the engine and then heard Greg's breath hitch. He finally looked over at him and saw that he was shaking some, and then he realized that he was really crying. He closed his eyes as he took his own deep breath to control his own emotions before opening his eyes up and placing his hand on Greg's leg. "Greg…"
Greg turned his eyes, already red, his face in misery, "I know you hate me right now. I know you wish that I rather be in the rehabilitation center, but I can't be alone. I …I just can't."
Nick shook his head somberly, "No, Greg, that is not true. I could never hate you. And I don't want you to be alone either, which is why you are coming home. Your parents will be staying with us in the guest room for a week or two to assist if we need it. I can't be there for you all the time, but between all three of us, someone will always be there for you if you need to talk. You're going to feel better about yourself, just stop trying so hard. Dr. Levine said you have to take your time in feeling comfortable with yourself again."
Greg wiped at his eyes. "I'm going to be babysat in other words," he scowled.
"Well that or you do go to the rehabilitation center; it's up to you, Greg. I can go back in and tell Dr. Levine you changed your mind," Nick said. He didn't want to play this emotional back and forth again right now. He wanted Greg to know he had a choice.
"Okay, okay…just take me home," Greg said, finally giving in.
Nick started up the engine and started pulling out of the parking lot to head home. "I don't want you going home feeling worse than you did. I just want you to be happy again and I just don't know anymore how to accomplish that," he said, voicing his own frustration.
Greg looked out the window again. "I don't know either," he said softly. Nick didn't know what to say to that since he had no idea either. They remained quiet the rest of the ride home.
As they pulled into the driveway Greg noticed the extra car in the driveway. "Is that my parents?" He asked Nick.
"Yes, they are already here," Nick replied. Greg just nodded his head.
Nick parked and got out. Greg took the clue and got out too. He grabbed his bag of belongings and medicines with him. He walked behind Nick as he unlocked the door. Nick let Greg walk in first. Greg saw his parents stand up from the sofa as he came in. He had hardly spoken to them since his suicide attempt and felt his body tense up as their looks of anticipation at his entrance came to their faces.
"We're glad you are home, Son," Peter Sanders said to his son. Greg sucked in his lower lip and just nodded. He was at a loss of words around his parents. He didn't see them that much in the first place and had seen them more in the last year than he had in the last 15 years since he lived in Vegas.
Nick came around him and grabbed the bags from his hands. "Why don't you spend some time with your parents? You should really talk to them," Nick whispered to him before leaving to put his things away.
Greg looked from his dad to his mom, who looked scared of him, almost. He didn't know what to say to them. "I'm uh…I'm glad you're here," was all he could come up with. He looked down at his feet with embarrassment.
His mother walked up to him. He raised his head and looked into her sad, worried brown eyes. "I know you think I smothered you as a child but I only did it because I loved you so much and never wanted to see you hurt. I would give my own life to take your hurt away now, but I know that wouldn't work. I just want you to let us in. We love you so much," she told him with tears in her eyes. She wanted to touch him but was afraid to.
Greg looked momentarily over her shoulder at Nick, who tried encouraging him with a small smile. He looked back down at his mom. "I'm sorry," he said to her before she ended up pulling him into hug. Greg closed his eyes as he rested his head on her shoulder. His father came over and put his arms around him too.
Nick looked on from the kitchen in bittersweet happiness as he saw Greg allow his parents to hold him finally after his suicide attempt. He hoped that this was a step in the right direction for him. Nick saw Greg lift his head a little as he opened his eyes and saw that they were red from emotions. He looked at him and Nick smiled at him.
Greg allowed his parents to guide him to the sofa and sit next to him. He wiped at his eyes before speaking again. "I don't know what to say," he admitted.
"It's okay, you don't have to say anything right now, dear, if you don't want to," his mother said to him.
He was given pain medication before leaving the hospital and he was feeling it kick in. He was tired and it was also a good excuse to escape from the awkwardness of the situation at the moment. "I'm kind of tired from my meds. Is it okay if I lay down for a bit?" He asked, not sure he was free to do whatever he wanted to in his own home with so many there to watch over him.
Nick stepped into the living room. "Sure you can sleep if you want. I know you took them right before leaving the hospital. The nurse advised they might make you sleepy." Greg looked to his parents after Nick spoke and they both nodded in agreement. Nick held out his hand for Greg to take. "I'll help you settle in again." Greg nodded and took his hand and got up, leaving his parents to go back to watching whatever they had been before he came home.
Nick let go of Greg's hand once inside their bedroom. "I guess I should ask if you are okay sleeping in the same bed again. If not I will sleep on the sofa." Greg shook his head. "No, I'm okay with it if you are."
"I am. I haven't really been getting much sleep lately either. I might nap with you, if you don't mind," Nick said to him. He just really wanted to be close to Greg, to be near him again.
Greg cast his eyes downward again. "Guess that's my fault too; you're not sleeping well."
Nick sighed and placed his hand on Greg's chin and forced him to look at him. "Stop this, stop always blaming yourself."
Greg's eyes were sad. "But it's true. I worried you so much, you couldn't sleep." Nick forced Greg to sit down on the bed and then sat next to him. "Okay you want to be blamed, then yes, it is your fault that I couldn't sleep but I know I will sleep better now with you by my side, so let's just move past this, please."
His partner nodded. "Okay."
"Look, just lay down. I will be back in a couple minutes. I'm just going to let your parents know we are both going to snooze," Nick said to him before getting up and leaving him alone for a few minutes.
Greg took off his shoes and his jacket before lying down on his side of the bed. He turned to his side and curled up. He heard Nick come in a minute later. He didn't say anything but he felt him get on the bed. He then felt a blanket drawn up over him. "It's a little cool in here, don't want you to get sick," he heard Nick say softly. He felt Nick settle down on the bed himself now.
He turned onto his other side to face Nick, who was already facing his direction. He looked at Nick, who was watching him carefully. "I broke a promise I made to you. I lied and kept more secrets from you but I was afraid of losing you if you knew. But then I kept thinking you would be better off without me but deep down I knew I couldn't be without you and I figured the only way to solve the problem was if I no longer existed. That's the conclusion I came to when Jakob had us. He gave me the opportunity for an out, he just didn't realize it. I used it. I thought that you would move on and find love with someone else in time. I never thought my loss would cause so much pain. I figured since you had already dealt with me missing for so long that it would have been easier this time, letting go of me. I thought wrong and I am sorry." He stared at Nick, waiting for a response.
Nick was shocked by his confession all of the sudden. He didn't know how to respond at first but then he knew. He sat up suddenly and got up. Greg felt horrified that he had said something to make Nick actually leave him but then he saw Nick go through his bag of belongings and take something out. He came back over to the bed and laid back down, facing Greg again. Greg carefully watched him, unsure of what he got. Then he saw Nick reach out with his hand and take his left hand. Greg let him take his hand.
Nick held up the ring he had given Greg during the holidays. He slid it onto Greg's finger where it had been taken off from when he was taken to the hospital. "I gave you this ring for a reason, we might not be able to legally marry but to me, we are. And in saying that the vows are for better or worse, for richer or poorer, or in sickness and in health; we've been through a lot of those recently. A lot of worse probably more than anything but I'll still love you no matter what, I made that promise to you and I won't break it. Yes, you did lie and kept secrets but in the end you only hurt yourself more in doing that. I just wish you would trust me enough to let me handle the truth. You have to stop trying to protect me, I don't need protection but you do right now. Just please let me in and don't shut me out again. I just want to love you and I want you to love yourself again. What I would give to see some of that cockiness back that you used to carry around," he ended saying with a small smile.
Greg looked at the ring on his finger and nodded slightly. "Okay," he whispered, tears coming to his eyes again. Nick reached out his hand and wiped away tears from his eyes. "Don't cry, babe…it's going to get better."
Greg broke down sobbing and Nick gathered him in his arms and held him and soothed him. He breathed in his scent and lightly rubbed his back as his sobs subsided and he eventually fell asleep in his arms. Nick felt a warmness return to his heart in holding his love as he slept. Things were going to get better; they had to for both of their sakes.
Nick reached over for Greg and noticed he was not in bed. He called his name and there was no answer. He got out of bed, wondering where he was. He headed for the bathroom first and noticed the door was closed. "Greg? Are you in here?" He heard water running but there was no response. He opened the door and saw water flooding the floor. It had a reddish color. He looked over at the bathtub and saw where it was coming from. Greg was naked in the tub filled with his blood and water. Nick screamed "No!"
He sat up suddenly in bed, breathing heavily. He looked over and saw Greg sitting up as well staring at him. "Are you okay?" Greg asked him, looking a bit worried.
Nick relaxed a little, seeing it was only a dream. Still it hit too close to home for him. "Yeah I'm fine," he responded finally.
"You don't look fine. I thought we said we were going to be truthful with each other," Greg said to him, with concern. He hadn't seen Nick look so terrified waking up from a nightmare in years.
Nick looked at him, still reeling from the nightmare. "You want to know how I really feel? I can't stop thinking about you covered in blood, taking your own life. This time you were in the bathtub, filled with your own blood from your slashed wrists, laying there dead. Ever since I held you in my arms, thinking you were going to die I've been having nightmares, but I didn't want to tell you because I know you will only feel more guilty and it would only make you think about doing it again. I can't handle the thought of losing you again, I just can't," he said with tears in his eyes.
Greg didn't know how to respond. He was truly realizing the effect his actions had on Nick. He was right too, he did feel guilty. He lay back down on his back and stared up at the ceiling, trying to figure out what to say. He finally found some words to say. "I thought I was doing you a favor. I thought that you would mourn me for a while but then you would find someone new to love, someone who was truly worthy of you and in time you would forget about me."
Nick looked down at him lying on the bed and shook his head. "Never. Perhaps I would have found someone in time but they would never live up to you. You just don't seem to understand how much I love you, how you are part of my soul…we are soul mates and without you I am not a whole man."
"The funny thing is I don't feel like a whole man anymore," Greg said to him somberly.
"Don't you love me?" Nick asked, truly wondering if his feelings had changed.
Greg looked distant as he started to speak. "When I was chained to that wall, alone in the dark, wondering what they would do to me next time they came; the only thing that kept me from going crazy was thinking of you. I would try to remember good times we had and you and me together in this bed." He moved his head slightly to the side and looked up at Nick. "You're the only thing that has kept me going for these last few months."
"Then what happened suddenly to change that?" Nick asked him.
"Everything, I felt just so overwhelmed and like I said, I started thinking you would be better off without me. I honestly thought that in the long run I would be doing you a favor; freeing you from being attached to someone who doesn't feel whole anymore. I'm not sure I'm capable of loving you the way you deserve anymore. Like we talked about, if I can't love myself, how can I love someone else? But somehow I still do love you but I just don't understand it anymore. I don't understand much of anything anymore. I don't know why someone is so hell bent on destroying me. I'm just so lost," he told Nick with somber eyes.
Nick stared at him, not sure what to tell him. He just wanted him to feel better about himself. He sometimes knew actions spoke louder than words. He leaned down and placed a warm, heartfelt kiss on Greg's lips. He pulled himself up again and smiled down at his lover, who seemed to be more at ease. "Whenever you feel lost, just remember I am here and I will help you find your way."
Greg gave him a small smile. "I'll remember from now on. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now why don't we get up and get something to eat. I am hungry," Nick grinned.
Greg smiled. "Sure."