A STOMACH FULL OF RATS PART 20
The scalding shower simply refused to move the chill from his bones, sex with Jack had been interrupted by a Rift alert and all Ianto could think was....well.....Thank God. Jack had almost gotten his shirt off when they were stopped mid snog. It was probably for the best. He reached blindly for the shampoo. He hadn't wanted to shag Jack anyway, not really..... or be shagged by him for that matter. Ianto tried not to think too hard about it. The whole idea of going back down that road with his boss was a stupid one. Office affairs always ended badly and the two of them had enough baggage between them to fully load a 747..... so he had been saved by the metaphorical bell. Though if he were honest with himself he'd prefer the shagging any day over trudging through a muddy field in the middle of the night only to find an unexploded bomb from the first world war that had fallen through the Rift. Jack dealt with it and they drove back, the moment of passion killed by tiredness and nearly freezing his bollocks off.
Jack hadn't pushed the issue even though it was clear he was more than willing to pick up where they had left off. Ianto just felt confused, his emotions swinging from one extreme to the next. The nagging gut ache had come back with a vengeance. Bloody Suzie, the creepy cow and Ianto also realised he was still somewhat pissed at the fact that Gwen had not been reprimanded for breaking a very serious protocol.
Ianto realised as he rinsed his hair that his bitterness toward Gwen had nothing really to do with broken regulations. He was jealous of her, she had a relationship..... all be it one she clearly didn't care about..... but she had one, someone to go home to, someone who would cook her a nice meal and lay on the couch watching TV with her. She had everything he'd lost. He found it distasteful that she was cheating with Owen and practically begging Jack each time she looked at him.......He stopped that thought in its tracks. He could not get involved. Torchwood was just too complicated and too dangerous to leave room for attachments no matter how lonely it got. And yes he was lonely. Ianto had never felt more so and part of him longed to be back in Jack's office taking whatever physical comfort he could get.
No, not again. Ianto knew where that path led and he just couldn't.... wouldn't put himself through that again. If Jack needed that kind of comfort, he would have to seek it elsewhere and Ianto had to be bloody sure not to offer it again.
He shut off the water jet and padded out of the shower cubical grabbing a large towel from the radiator and wrapping it around his waist as he wandered back through his house to the kitchen. Damn it, it was almost breakfast time. Another night had got by him without any sleep being had.
Jack had been perplexed and rather disappointed when Ianto had asked to be dropped off at his home rather than the Hub. Jack hadn't commented. Ianto was obviously uncomfortable with what had happened in his office despite being the one to instigate it. Jack really didn't get 21st century guys. Either you wanted sex or you didn't. Ianto was constantly confused and it seemed to Jack as though the younger man was out of his time too. It was a muddled mix of the insightful, painfully shy and desperately lonely that had Jack so attracted to padded his ego to think that he could make Ianto feel better just by getting him in the sack.
Nothing was so straight forward.
Humans on Earth always did have a habit of making sex too complicated. Jack loved sex, he loved being held...... tactile contact full stop and Ianto behaved like he'd never had a hug in his whole life. It was as if the Welshman was afraid of being broken if squeezed too hard. The thing was Ianto really was a great lover, inventive, curious and trusting and Jack missed that. He missed the quiet banter after sex, he missed the post coital coffee and the whispered Welsh. It was stupid. They were material sensations that he could pay for if he chose to, if things got that desperate. Jack knew he was missing something fundamental and he couldn't work out what it was.
When he got back to the Hub he wandered down to the morgue and pulled open Suzie's draw. He drew back the shroud and stared down at her white face, even in death she looked unsettled. Jack couldn't blame her, personal demons had taken over her life, whether or not the glove was responsible for that or just a catalyst was anyone's guess. Jack found himself wondering if he had let her down in some way, maybe he had because he hadn't been looking, hadn't asked. Ianto's words came back to haunt him. The truth was he never asked. Most of him didn't want to know, long as he got what he wanted. Jack knew he was selfish beyond belief and part of him thought he was entitled to it. He thought the Doctor had made him a better person, but the reality was entirely different. Jack was just the same as he had ever been, selfish, vain and out for what he could get. A hundred years of loss and waiting could do that to a man who never changed.
He reached out and readjusted a strand of Suzie's tangled hair. Ianto had done his best, as he always did when managing the corpses. He never let any of them lose their dignity. Jack wondered why he bothered. But Ianto was young and naive enough to still have faith in something, Jack quietly hoped he did anyway. With Ianto it was hard to tell. Jack covered her face and pushed the drawer back into its place, right under the one where what was left of Lisa resided. Ianto had dealt with her too. Of course the Welshman would tell him that was his job, Jack wondered how he managed it without losing himself down here with all this death. But then Ianto was mortal and perhaps ultimately that was the only difference between them. He turned away, glancing at his watch, time for a shower then before the start of another day and the long lecture Gwen was in for, when she got in.
AN: I hope this is right.... in keeping as I am trying to keep to canon as much as possible... Introspection is very hard to write......Who is entering the Torchwood Magazine competition then?!!