This chapter is a small one because it's all about the next one. I hope you still like it.

Thanks to Irebporti, as always, for helping me!

Chapter 19 – Black Holes and Revelations

BPOV

I went to the doctor as I had promised Edward I would and did the full check up I that was way overdue.

The doctor said there seemed to be nothing wrong with me but promised he would call me when the results of the exams were ready.

I was sitting on my couch, with a book on my lap and listening to Edward play the piano when he called.

I got up walked to phone, passing by Edward and not resisting the urge to run a hand through his still wet hair on the process. He looked too cute when he was just out of the shower.

I picked the phone up of its third ring.

"Hello?"

"Miss Swan, how are you? This is Doctor Jackson. I'm calling about the results of your exams." He really wasn't kidding when he said I would hear from him soon.

"I'm fine, thank you. My exams are ready already?"

"Yes, I just got them about an hour ago." Doctor Jackson was a great doctor but I sometimes hated it how he always took his time before telling me whatever it was he had to tell.

"And is everything alright with me? Or is there a problem?" It took him a second to answer me.

"Well, first I have to tell you that you feeling sick isn't actually an immediate symptom of anything. As you know, you are not pregnant." I didn´t understand the reticence I could hear in his voice. It seemed like good news to me.

"That's good, right?"

"Yes, it is. However we did find something in your check-up." Everything he said from that point on was a complete blur for me.

All I knew was that while he told me exactly what was wrong with my exams my heart fell to the ground and I lost all the ability to think straight.

I did manage to agree to meet with the doctor as soon as possible so he could tell me what was going to happen for now on. What I should do.

As I slowly placed the phone down, I turned to look at Edward who was still playing and felt the tears forming in my eyes.

There was a knot in my throat that I just couldn't seem to get rid of.

What did this mean to Edward? I thought I knew the answer to that and I didn't like it one bit.

I took a deep breath to steady myself and shook my head. I couldn't start crying now.

If I told him everything, Edward would stand by me. I knew that perfectly well. He would help me through this but did I want him to do that? Did I want him to give up so much?

I didn't know. I didn't know if I could be that selfish.

I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around his neck, resting my chin on the top of his head. He immediately stopped playing and covered my hands with his, turning his head to the side so he could kiss my arm once.

"Was that the doctor?" I cleared my throat once, making sure I was able to speak.

"Yes."

"And? Is everything ok?" It took me a moment to decide what I wanted to tell him.

"Yes, I probably just ate something that didn't fully agree with me."

"Really?"

"Yes. Why?" Was I being so obvious? I knew he could always easily read me but he couldn't guess things like this…

"Nothing, I'm just taking care of you. I'm glad you are alright, love." He lifted my right hand and placed a kiss on the palm as I tried my best to smile.

I would also be glad if that was true, but it wasn't. Not everything was exactly well…

"Keep playing please, Edward." He did as I asked him, opting to play my lullaby as I took several deep breaths to calm myself down.

Not even the lullaby was enough to keep me calm. All I could think about was what the doctor had said.

It seemed like my dizziness and feeling sick didn't truly mean anything. I had probably just eaten something that hadn't agreed with me the doctor had said.

On the other hand, my full checkup had revealed that not everything was exactly well with me. I was sick and didn't know how to deal with it.

What did you do when you get news like that? Was I supposed to put on a brave façade or just break down and cry like I actually wanted to?

I tried to stop thinking about what the doctor had toll me and tried to focus only on Edward. Concentrate on the movement of his hands, running along the keys of the piano or on the way he threw his head to the side as the music went on.

As he kept playing, I moved to sit down beside him and took the chance to memorize every inch of his face.

He looked so relaxed, so at ease while he was playing. He looked simply perfect.

I ran my hand lightly along his face, brushing a fallen strand of his hair away. He smiled at me but never stopped playing.

While standing there watching him play I realized that I already knew the answer to my question.

Could I do this to him? Could I stand by and watch as Edward took care of me, helped me through an illness I didn't know how would end? Could I stand by and watch as he gave up on his dreams and opportunities just to make sure I was alright? I couldn't.

I could never do that.

I couldn't keep him tied down to me anymore. Not now that I didn't know what was going to happen. Not now that he had the opportunity of starting and even better life.

Not now that he was getting so many good job offers and could finally start the career of his dreams.

He deserved better. He shouldn't have to take care of me. He shouldn't have to put his life on hold because of me. I wouldn't let him do that.

I had made my decision. All I had to do know was find a way of sticking to it.

I always went through with my decisions, right? I had to find a way of being brave enough to let go…

--

I stood there on the living room watching Edward play his piano for about another hour or so and then went to take a shower.

I stood quiet as the warm water hit my muscles and only got out when the hot water was about to run out.

I had just put one of shirts on and gotten under the covers when Edward joined me in the bedroom. I was glad when he did so. It might be silly but I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him while I could.

I watched as he took his shirt and pants off, allowing my eyes to run along every line of his body and then smiled when he jumped into bed with me.

He immediately wrapped his arms around me, pressing our chests together. His body was so comfortably warm my immediately melted into it.

I ran a hand up his chest to his soft hair and tangled my fingers in it, making him sigh and move to place a light kiss on the tip of my nose.

We stood in that position, looking at each other for a few minutes as I lightly run my fingers along his hair and face. I wanted to never forget how good he looked right know.

I wanted to be able to remember being in bed, simply looking at him, for as long as I could. I wanted to remember how good it felt to be in his arms when I no longer had the chance to do it.

I wanted to never forget anything about him, no matter how insignificant it might be. I didn't want to forget how he could look into my eyes and make me feel like he was reading my mind or how his crooked smile always made my heart skip a beat.

I wanted to remember him…

Suddenly without me even fully realizing it, he had made us move so I was lying on my back with him hovering over me.

I smiled up at him and sighed. This was our ritual every night.

Making love before falling asleep in his arms was, undeniably, my favorite moment of the day.

He took my lower lip in between his while slowly running his hands up and down my sides and I couldn't help but to sigh again at the feeling.

He could make me melt with so little effort…

I wanted to be able to stop thinking and simply enjoy all the feelings he made come alive but just couldn't seem to truly be able to.

I wrapped my arms around Edward's neck and allowed him to kiss me, touch me and tease me like he wanted as I willed myself to simply enjoy it. Enjoy the feeling of his body pressed against mine, enjoy the way his hair tickled my neck when he was lavishing attention to it or simply take pleasure in his intoxicating taste.

He was always able to make me stop thinking with the lightest of touches or with simply a look so why couldn't I stop thinking now? Why did I kept thinking that I was about to ruin his life if I couldn't be strong enough?

When he started to kiss down my neck to my chest I knew that no matter how much I truly wanted it – how much I enjoyed it - I had to stop. My mind was running faster than I thought it was possible and Edward didn't deserve it.

He deserved me to be completely invested on making love with him, like I normally always was.

He deserved to be the only thought that ran through my mind while we were together like this.

I placed both my hands on his chest and with a deep breath pulled him back.

He immediately stopped to look down at me with a worried expression on his face. I guess his reaction was normal. I never pulled him back in a situation like this, after all.

Most of the times I just gladly complied with his attacks. Or was the one doing the attacking myself…

"What is it, love? Are you ok?"

"Yes. I'm just a little tired." I ran my fingers along his face and smiled.

I knew he wouldn't push me and I was glad for that. I truly couldn't make love with him when I had so much on my mind, when I was feeling so unworthy of his love.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I'm just not…" He silenced me by placing a finger on my lips and smiling down at me.

"That's ok, my love. We can do this any other time." He leaned in to softly kiss my lips before rolling to the side. "Come here."

He took me in his arms, allowing me to cuddle in his chest.

"Are you comfortable like this, my love?" I simply nodded. I was comfortable… "Do you want me to go pick something up for you? Is your head hurting too much?"

I wrapped my arms a little more strongly around him and gripped his shirt. I didn't want him to go anywhere now.

Even though we were not making love right now, I wanted to have him as close as possible to me.

"No, thank you. I just want to stay like this with you." I moved to place a light kiss on his chest and whispered. "I'll be just fine…"

One of his hands began to play with the strands of my hair and the other to move up and down my back at the same time as he started to hum a soft lullaby.

The way he was treating me only made me more aware of how truly amazing he was. Of how selfless and caring he could be. I had just denied him sex and he was taking care of me…

Once again not even the sound of his voice, humming my lullaby was enough to make me relax and fall asleep this time.

I kept thinking of all the things that had been happening lately. Things that clearly told me I had a choice to make, that I couldn't keep holding Edward back.

All the signs were so obvious! How couldn't I have seen them before?

First there was Tanya, who made me realize how truly inadequate I was for Edward. Not that I thought someone like her deserved Edward but neither did I. No matter what he said, he could do much better than me.

The ideal person for him was probably out there somewhere. I was just fooling myself – living a dream - when I thought that person could be me.

Secondly there was that job in L.A he wouldn't take. I knew I wasn't the only reason he didn't accept the job and I also knew he knew I was willing to go with him if necessary but something told me he didn't take that job because he didn't want to change anything.

He wanted things between us to remain as they were.

And then there were those damn test results…

Yes, I knew what I had to do and maybe, just maybe, I could extract some courage from the fact that it was the right thing to do.

My decision was, indeed, made and I could not go back anymore. It wouldn't be fair for me and it certainly wouldn't be fair for Edward.

I was selfish though, so I did allow myself to lie securely in Edward's arms for the rest of the night.

I didn't sleep but simply relished on the feeling of having Edward's warm body pressed against mine and his arms wrapped around me. I concentrated on the movement of his chest as he breathed in and out and on how his sweet smell surrounded me as the night went on.

And now I'm going to go hide somewhere for a while...