The rest of the night my mom and I hardly speak.
She reminds me that she's working late again and then it's mostly silence.
Despite my talk with both Yeva and Dimitri, I still couldn't bring myself to tell her. How does a daughter tell her mother that something so terrible happened? It's not something I think I should bring up over the microwave dinner she makes for us.
We sit in silence and while I'm thinking over when it is the right time to tell her, she takes a moment to glance at me every few seconds between bites as if to see if everything is wrong. I get the feeling it's that extra mom sense where they can just tell when something is wrong. She's been looking at me a lot like this lately. My mother isn't stupid.
She's knows something is off about me.
But she also won't pry. She'll wait until I tell her because she figures there's a reason I haven't told her yet, a good reason.
I'm afraid.
I think about how Olena reacted, how terrible she must've felt that she felt she didn't protect her daughter. The last thing I want to do is add those feelings to everything else my mother is trying to deal with. By the time dinner is over and I am heading to my room after washing dishes, I convince myself that tonight isn't the right time to tell my mother...if ever.
I lay on my bed in the darkness hoping that the night last forever so that I don't have to go to school tomorrow. My mother would more than understand if I didn't feel up for school but I'd have to go back to school eventually. There's only one high school in this town. And unfortunately for me there're monsters that go to my high school.
Dimitri told me I seemed more than ready to fight this fight against Adrian.
I didn't feel ready.
When I think about going up against Adrian, my word against his...again, I think about what happened to me. It plays like a horror movie on loop until I think about something else. Sometime between the horror movie in my head and listening to my mother watch TV downstairs as she gets ready to leave for her nightshift, I fall asleep a few times only to wake up from the nightmares of walking through the high school halls with my fellow classmates throwing trash at me, calling me names even a trucker wouldn't use as the crowd pushes me further down the hall until I end up suddenly outside in the dark facing Adrian, Jesse, and Ralph.
When I look behind me the high school hallway is gone and it's just the four of us.
Just like that night.
I jolt awake and sit up in my bed. I think about going out to sit with my mom as she watches TV but I don't hear anything downstairs anymore which means she's left. The thought suddenly seems too scary to get out of bed, my room seems too dark except for the dim light glowing from the cellphone Dimitri gave me earlier. I manage to find a charger from an old phone my mom use to have and the phone lit up on side of room, calming me down a bit.
Another thing that calms me down is the thought of not being alone in this room, even if it is by text.
I worry it might be too soon for me to text Dimitri but the darkness in my room wins and I grab the phone and start texting.
I don't know what to say at first and I've never had a cell phone before so it takes me a while to work the buttons. When I finally think of something to come up with, I send a smiley face.
It seems silly to send a smiley face when I'm feeling so sad, lonely, and afraid but I don't know what else to say.
I close my eyes for a few minutes, worried he wont reply, that he's not really there and that I'm alone, before the phone lights up with a reply.
Everything alright?
I am so stunned that he replied that it takes me a moment to reply myself.
I've been better.
I let out a slow breath as I hit send. It feels like a bit of relief telling the truth.
After a second, I send another text.
How's Victoria?
His reply is a little slow.
Angry. She locked herself up in her room and turned up her music so she wouldn't have to listen to my mother yell at her from outside her door.
Guilt.
I'm sorry.
His reply is instant this time.
None of this is your fault.
That phrase is starting to sound automatic to my ears, like a recording I should have memorized. I just can't believe it though. He sends another message after e few minutes when I don't reply.
Since it's pretty late and you should be sleeping, I'm guessing you had a nightmare.
I feel a small smile as I settle back onto my pillow.
You guessed correctly.
Want to talk about it?
No.
For some reason, I don't want everything I talk to Dimitri about to revolve around Adrian or what happened. I like when hwe have different conversation even if they were short and mostly one sided, Dimitri doing most of the talking.
Instead of a text, the phone buzzes that someone is calling me. I answer it, surprised.
"Hello?"
"Are you near a window?"
His question and the sudden sound of his voice catches me off guard. I'm glad we're talking about something new though. I sit up and look around my small bedroom, half expecting to see him standing outside my window. The thought excites and scares me.
"Yes...?"
I can practically hear him smiling at my skeptical response.
"Your window faces out onto the street towards the city right?"
"Right...?" I agree my voice still skeptical.
"Yeva use to convince me that full moons make night mares go away. Look out your window."
I hesitate, fearful of standing alone in my room in the dark but there's only so long I can leave Dimitri hanging on the phone. I slowly pull my blankets back and make my way toward my window. When I pull back the curtain I gasp at how bright the moon is, how I feel like I've never noticed it before, and how nice the silhouettes of the city buildings look from here.
There's a long silence while I take in the view.
"Did...did what Yeva told you work? Did you have less nightmares?"
He gives a little laugh that makes me smile before he even responds. "No. It just replaced the nightmares I was having about monsters in my closet with nightmares about werewolves."
I can't help but smile wider. I stand at my window for a long time looking at the view. It's comforting to have that kind of natural light but it also feels good having someone with me...even if he isn't physically here.
"Werewolves are better than the nightmares I was having," I say after a long time.
"That's kind of one of the cons of facing your biggest fear, the nightmares. After I was shot and I decided not to go to therapy and just ignore what happened, I was fine for a while. Eventually, the nightmares catch up with you though, the same time your fears do."
I shuddered at the thought of reliving the pain of not only being shot but of your best friend's death over and over again in your head.
At least my nightmares were only about my pain.
I couldn't imagine living with someone else's.
"Does it take long...after I deal with all of this...will I be the same I was, normal?"
He lets out a regrettable sounding sigh. "I wish. You won't be the same. You'll feel better but nothing will feel quite as safe as it did before."
"It feels that way now," I mumble.
"I know. Ironically enough, a good night's sleep is the best way to start any fight. After so many nightmares, you'll eventually feel too exhausted to even dream and you'll have one of the best sleeps of your life. Just focus on something happy."
"What do you focus on?" I ask, finally pulling myself away from the window and making my way back to my bed.
It seems a little more inviting that the last time I laid here.
I wonder if my question is too personal but he answers anyway. "My family, some of the good times we've had."
the answer is sweet and warms me a bit. I smile. Maybe I can think about my mom and the good times we've had. We've always gotten along. We've never really argued or fought but thinking back, there aren't any special days I can remember where it's just the two of us having fun. I consider focusing on a happy memory with the people I thought were my friends but that just reminds me of how alone I am now.
I decide I don't have a happy memory good enough to send to sleep before I remember today...the time in the city, the sunlight, smiling and feeling better than I had in days and...Dimitri.
I push that last thought away. A crush is the last thing I should be feeling right now.
He just makes me feel safe. That's it, I decide.
I focus on the city during the day and how I wish that moment could last forever.
"Did you think of a good memory?"
"Yeah, I did," I mumble.
I turn on my side and snuggle into my bed. The room is dark again now that the curtain is closed. I take in an unsteady breath and slowly release it, telling myself not to think of the darkness but the light.
"Once all of this is over, you'll have plenty of more good memories. I'm sure of it."
He kind of yawns the last part and I can hear he's growing tired.
"Thank you, Dimitri."
"Anytime, Roza."
I click the phone off and lay it beside me on my pillow and drift off to sleep, thinking of nothing but my happiest memory.
A/N: Hey guys! I know the story is little slower than my other stories but next chapter is where things start to pick up. Glad you guys like the story though! Thank you for the reviews.