Everything seems like a dream to me, but a nightmare from which I'd wake up soon, with my sweaty forehead and that big weight upon my chest that makes me feel like crying; that going downstairs she'll be there, making breakfast with Lola and laughing with her sweet and melodic voice that told me I love you so many nights before bedtime.
But even I had the feeling of floating, that nothing was real; I know deep down that it is. I know my mother is not coming back, I know I've lost her forever.
The police told us it was a robbery that went wrong. My dad's office was trashed and she was found by the stairs. She was shot twice, none of the bullets was fatal and she simply bled to death. She bled out alone while feeling the life slip from her body. If somebody would have been there to help her…I feel pain oppressing my chest and how tears leave my eyes and I just can't help it.
I can't breathe; the sobbing leaves me with no air. And yet, I can't stop shaking thanks to the agony, the agony that consumes me from the deepest corner of my being because maybe, if I would have been home, she would be alive.
– Kate? – I hear Lola from my bedroom door. – Kate, it's time.
I just can't move. My muscles are heavy and the suffering tears my soul apart.
Lola comes in my bedroom and I can feel her behind me. Her hand touches my arm softly and that makes me sob harder and I cling to my pillow even more.
– I can't Lola, I can't do it. – I sob crying harder, letting my frustration speak at last.
– Sure you can. You have to be there with your father, he needs you.
– And I? I need her! I… - I hiccup trying to catch my breath and just sob and cry. – I need my mom – I say through my tears at the end.
– All of us need her, but she's gone and you have to honor her memory saying goodbye to her at her funeral.
I close my eyes and try to breath, try to calm myself down but every time I do, I feel that weight on my chest that makes me feel like screaming.
Finally I turn around and stand up. My black dress is all wrinkled and I could not care less. Lola takes my black raincoat and puts it on my shoulders kissing my forehead.
– Be strong, my little girl. – She whispers and dries my tears with her fingers.
The snow and the low temperatures can't be more right for the circumstances. But I would have liked that my mom'd have had a sunny day with clouds, green trees and singing birds for her last farewell because that was how she was, like a sunny day, like a springtime day that makes life happier.
And she's gone; no more springtime days to me.
I see Castle among the crowd; if my father saw him, he didn't say a thing; probably he even hasn't noticed him. He's very absorbed in himself and lost in his pain; I've heard him crying all night like a little boy. In fact, I've gone downstairs several times to make sure he's okay; he's hugged me and told me stories about how he met my mother, how he spilled coffee in her pants on their first date and how he fell in love with the sound of her laugh. And all that just made worse our pain because we will never hear that laugh ever again.
Castle's blue eyes look through the freezing weather and I can tell that he wants to come closer but I cannot think about having him near me; the idea disgusts me, crushes my heart the memory of being with him, making love with him while my mother bled to death without my help, without any hope.
I turn my eyes away from his and I focus my attention on the ceremony. My mother wasn't very religious but my father had took care that a priest was present at the funeral. Various friends told some words, I couldn't even get up from the chair, neither could my dad.
After the ceremony, everybody went home where Lola had fixed all kind of snacks. I didn't want to see anybody so I went to my room right away.
I look at the screen of my phone and I see another call from Castle but I just turn it off and lay on my bed again, I never stop thinking about her and blaming myself because if I'd have been home, if I…
Somebody knocks my door.
– I don't want to see anybody. – I say with my head buried on my pillow.
– Kate, it's me. –Castle's voice makes me look at the door.
He opens the door without waiting for any invitation and looks at me with condescendence closing it behind him.
– How did you get in?
– Lola let me.
– If my father sees you…
– I'm so sorry…
– Don't. – I say sitting up at the edge of the bed. – I don't want to hear how much sorry you are about what happened, I already know that.
– Kate…
I level my gaze to his.
– Castle I can't even look at you. – He looks at me without understanding – Did you know my mother bled to death?
– No, I didn't…
– Well, now you know and she bled out because of me.
– What?
– If I would have been here, this wouldn't happen.
– Don't say that, you don't know that. If you would have been here maybe you'd have been shot and…
– I would be dead? I wish! That's what I wish, being dead.
– Don't talk like that.
– I'll talk as I want.
He tries to come closer.
– Don't! – I say – Don't come closer.
– I just want to hold you.
– But I don't want you to. – I say glaring at him with bloodshot eyes, very red probably for all the crying. – I don't want you to hold me; I don't want you to hold me ever again.
I noticed his face cringe but he says nothing.
– This is not your fault.
– Maybe not. – I say with vacant eyes. – Maybe it is.
Suddenly he comes closer and kneels between my legs.
– It's not your fault, is fault of the son of the bitch who fired that gun. – He puts his hands on my knees and his blue eyes make me want to cry again because I love him so much that feel all this guilt at the same time hurts, hurts so much.
– I don't want to see you ever again.
– Kate…
– Ever. – I say again and take his hands off my knees.
– Kate; don't do this… – He begs me and I stand up turning my back at him.
– Please leave. – I say crossing my arms trying to contain my tears with all my might.
He tries to hold me with his arms around my waist and I turn around pushing him.
– Didn't you hear me?! Get out!
– No. – He says gritting his jaw. – I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to let you blame yourself, blame us for this…
– It's already too late.
– It's never too late.
– Even for my mother? Isn't it too late for her either?
– Kate… – He tries to get closer to me but I push him again.
– Leave.
– No.
– Get out!
Castle takes me in his arms and tries to kiss me, but I just keep thinking in all the hate that I feel about myself at that moment and all what loving Castle represents.
I push him again and my palm ends up slapping his cheek.
Rick looks at me surprised and I look at him with tears of pain and impotence.
– Why can't you just understand? What we had it's over! Over!
His hand touches his cheek and I notice tears in his eyes too.
– I love you. – He says looking intently to me.
I shook my head and he holds me; I keep pushing him and my fists hit his chest with force and anger but his arms keep holding me and I let out all the frustration and the agony that eats away my soul, crying in his arms like never before.
– Please, please…leave, please. – I say sobbing barely speaking.
But finally I stay without strength; without the energy to fight against my love for him. I breathe giving up, letting his warm envelop me.
– I love you and you can't change that. I will always love you and always will be there for you, even if you hate me, even if you don't want me to. I will always be there for you, Kate. Always.
– Please, just…leave. – I say again and he releases me.
– Always. – He repeats with tears in his eyes.
And that's the last word I heard from him before I saw him leaving me in the middle of my room, drowning me in the misery and pain for losing two people that I loved with all my heat in so short time.
That night, when everybody left, I went to my father's studio who is watching old photos with a tumbler of whisky in the hand and the bottle to his side.
– You should rest. – He doesn't even bother to look at me.
– I'm not tired. – He says without stopping to stare at photo. – I used to stay here for hours, without paying attention about how much time I've been sitting at this chair and your mother always came and said…
– "The day you get paid for your lack of sleep hours, we will be millionaires." – I complete and both half laugh between tears.
– That's how she was. – I notice that he tries to contain his tears – She was a box full of surprises.
I lean at the doorframe.
– Didn't you drink much for today? – I ask and he looks at me.
– Castle came. – He tells me back.
– Yes.
– It wasn't a question. – He leaves the tumbler in his desk looking again at the photo. – You know, about what happened, all the things I said, I told them because I worry about you, right? But, if is what you want…
– Castle and I won't see each other again.
He looks at me puzzled.
– Why?
Because thanks to me; thanks to this my mother is dead.
– Because… – I say. – I'm going to sleep a bit and you should do the same.
– In a while. – And his eyes are already looking another picture.
I walk to the stairs and reaching the first step I hear his sobbing, his pain.
I seat at the third step and lean my head against the wall letting my tears flow.
Nothing will be the same again.
It's been days, weeks without sleep; thinking about that what Kate and I had was stronger than all this, that we could get over this, that at the end, she will come out from the hole where she was and will come looking for me to tell me how much she needed me, how much she wanted my kisses, my arms; how much she wanted to be with me… as much as I needed her.
But that never happened.
I waited and waited.
My calls were never returned and my messages were never answered.
If she'd let me help her, everything would be different. But she'd rip me off from her life at the moment I knew she needed me most and that hurt me deeply.
Finally I decided to go looking for her but the house was for sale and Jim and Kate no longer lived there. In that moment I felt my world fall apart, I didn't know nothing about Kate and I didn't know where to find her either. Maybe after all, thinking that she could get over it by herself was naive from me.
I curse myself a thousand times for not insisting more, for giving her time and space.
And I have no other choice than moving on with my life.
However when an unexpected trip takes me to California, I know that is the only and probably the last chance that I'll have to look for Kate and try to talk now, after a couple of months when she must be calmer.
Going to the flat I bought for both of us was painful; it was just as we left it, a couple of couches and some other stuff that I bought last minute for her to be able to invite her friends.
On one of the couches there is a star-shaped hair brooch; I smile knowing it's hers.
I put it in my pocket and I'm headed to Stanford University determined to make her let me be part of her life again.
The university is exactly as I remember and the memories I have around make me half smile in the middle of my sadness.
I look around and I only see unknown faces for a while, but finally and maybe thanks to destiny, I see one of Kate's friends, Helena and I approach her running.
– Helena? – I say without breath.
– Castle? – She seems very surprised.
– Yes, hi, sorry to bother you but I was looking for Kate.
– Kate?
– Yes, well, I don't know if you heard about her mother…
– Yes, of course, we heard. – She leans her head. – But Castle, Kate hasn't come to classes since she left for Christmas.
– What?
– I think she quit Stanford.
– Are you sure?
– Sure, we haven't seen her since then. – She looks at me sadly.
– Hey Helena! – She turns as she hears her name.
– I have to go now… - She tells me
– Yes, sure, it's okay – I reply with a sad smile.
She waves goodbye and I turn looking around me again.
This was my last chance; I told myself while I walk through the campus and sit by a fountain, reaching for my cellphone and dialing my voice mail.
"Hey...I just… – she laughs – just wanted to tell you that… I love you so much, although you already know that and that… - she laughs again – I can't wait to see you again."
That was the last message she left me at my voice mail and I've saved it like a treasure.
I miss her laugh and the way she smiled when I stared at her, or the way her hands stroke my hair when we were lying down on the couch. But she doesn't want me in her life and maybe I don't have any other choice but to accept her rejection and respect her decision, even if Kate Beckett is the love of my life.
AN: Hiiiii, so now I'm on vacation, and I'm actually travelling rn, this week I'll go camping to this place with no wifi and no electricity (pray for me, seriously I'm not sure I can handle not having wifi), so sadly I won't be able to translate anything, but I'll do my best to have it finished by the other week!
Thank you Fio, sos una grosa y me salvas la vida en estos momentos con poco tiempo! Y gracias a ButtonUpKitten que me permitió traducir su histo.