August 1985
"It's only two days." Cosima gives David a playful shove as she continues to pack her bag. He hasn't noticed, not that she's thrown a box of photos in the trunk, not how nervous she's been the last week. She guesses it has more to do with work, contracts and projects and whatever else is running through the head of her husband.
"Imagine all the trouble you could get up to. Road trip by yourself." David teases, hands at her hips, before she smacks them off.
"I'm packing, and then I'm driving, so off." Cosima rolls her eyes, "And it's an archeology conference." She should have done this last night, David told her to as he was cleaning up after her mess in the kitchen. She'd felt inclined to cook him dinner, make it up to him? Cosima wondered. Is that what she's doing?
"So you say..." He continues to tease, laying kisses at her neck, "Enjoy yourself. Whatever that means." David adds seriously.
"I will." Cosima nods, "Thanks for letting me have the car."
"So... you and the car will be back in four days?" David checks again, "Just so I know."
"Maybe five... depends, whole driving to Colorado thing." Cosima shrugs, laying a quick kiss against his lips.
"Get going, longer you wait the worse it will be." David returns the kiss, rubbing at her shoulders briefly he moves to dress for work.
Cosima calls over her shoulder as she finishes zipping her suitcase, "Do you really mean that... anything I want to enjoy myself?" Her first thought is of Delphine, Delphine who will leave California in a couple weeks for who knows where. East coast again? Back to France?
"Yes, and now go. Take a beautiful woman to bed with you. Better yet, take a man... whatever. Go before traffic gets worse."
"Aren't you ever scared?" Cosima asks, forgetting to censor herself. Delphine, certainly she could take her to bed, it would probably be a let down and she'd move on. Or it would be wonderful and Delphine would leave, and she'd get back to real life again. Could this be worked out in a weekend? Cosima muses. Would Delphine even want to?
David stops and regards her softly, "No. I know we have a good thing here. And I know I'm not easy, I know Kathleen couldn't... but you get it, at least more than she did."
"I don't have a fetish." Cosima shakes her head.
"No... but you know what it would be like if people were to find out-" David trails off, choosing to leave things unsaid. Strange, between the two of them.
"That the only thing that gets your libido going is being cheated on. Yeah probably worse than being gay or lesbian...at least in San Francisco. Until... AIDS anyways.."
"Yeah but you don't have to worry about that now." David kisses her forehead, "Wherever we go, you'll be fine. Married. Employable by museums and colleges and anywhere else."
"I should go." Cosima leans into a warm embrace, contentedly letting him wrap her arms around her. It was comfortable, never passionate, but stable, safe. She'd agreed to this. His suggestion that they marry with only a few requests.
"Don't wait too much longer. Have a good time." David reiterates kissing her forehead.
Delphine glances through her prepared notes again, she's presenting on arthritis in early human populations. A student of one of the organizers watches her intently, waiting for her hand signal to change the slides. Pictures of her dig, of human remains and arthritic bones grace the screen as she continues to lecture.
She recognizes a few faces in the audience, a few of the professors from back east, a handful from Berkeley and to her dismay, Aldous Leekie. She speaks again, drawing the audience's attention to the human ancestor with clear arthritis and the suggestions of activity. Delphine makes it halfway through her presentation before she notices a familiar face in the third row. Cosima. Delphine feels herself growing warm but continues on. Cosima, here.
"Dr. Cormier... that was interesting." Aldous Leekie approaches her nodding, "I'm surprised to see you here."
"I planned on presenting from my post-doc." Delphine shrugs, "I hope you enjoyed the presentation." She plastered a fake smile on her face and nodded pleasantly, watching Aldous walk away from her towards the podium and the student to set up his own presentation.
She carefully fields questions, as she slowly makes her way towards Cosima. Suddenly she's terrified that Cosima will leave, that the slight wave Cosima gives her from across the room means that Cosima is only here for the archaeology, that Cosima will leave before she can free herself from the throng. She has to speak with her, Delphine knows that clearly.
But Cosima stays, "Delphine." She finally makes her way over, hand reaching to squeeze at her elbow. Warmth rushes through her at this slight touch, she tries to calm herself down, to quash her fantasies of stealing Cosima away.
"Cosima, it's good to see you again." Delphine nods again, a genuine smile taking the place of the fake one she wore a few minutes ago.
"Great work, I like watching you lecture. Living the dream?"
"Mostly." Delphine smiles genuinely, "How are you? How is David?" The husband, Delphine reminds herself, forcing herself to mention David. She cannot let herself forget, she cannot act on this.
"He's fine. Not here, obviously, has his own thing going on." Cosima gestures vaguely in the air.
Does this man even exist? Delphine finds herself wondering. He must though, Scott wouldn't lie to her.
"Would you like to join me for dinner?" Cosima blurts out the words nervously, "I drove all the way here... and please just have dinner with me?"
Delphine hesitates for a moment, before making an instinctual decision. "Oui." Delphine answers finally, enthusiastically nodding her head, "I'm not presenting again this weekend." She can do this, she has to practice it. Spending time with Cosima. At least have dinner and make small talk.
"So you don't want to stay for the frilled pottery talk?" Cosima teases.
"Well I was going to, but now I'd rather spend time with you." Delphine smiles, "Do you have a place in mind for dinner?"
"I think we're going to have to go and find something..." Cosima leads her out into the hotel lobby, asks a few questions of the clerk behind the desk before guiding her out the door.
There's a dinner, of course, here at the hotel. But Delphine cannot bring herself to care as she walks down the street next to Cosima.
"So..." Cosima starts awkwardly, blushing and smiling across the table.
Delphine has to try to retain her composure. She's missing a dinner and a much needed chance to network, and she cannot bring herself to care. To feel anything but excitement and the same old magnetic draw towards Cosima. This will never do, this cannot happen, Delphine tells herself silently.
She redirects Cosima strategically, "Tell me about your dissertation."
"My dissertation focuses on the ignored women in archeology." Cosima stops to take a small sip of wine, "New World, well mostly, I looked for matriarchal cultures or alternative interpretations."
She stops for a moment regarding Cosima across the table, "I like that. It doesn't get enough attention."
"It really doesn't." Cosima launches, "Like why does weapon mean male? Why is the typical female milieu ignored? It's ... it consumed me for a while."
"It sounds wonderful. I'd love to read it when you're done." Delphine lets her eyes drift down Cosima's face, watch Cosima's hands gesture fluidly in front of her. So similar, so much is the same.
"Yeah, if I ever finish it. I have the research, it's the compiling it part and finding a good editor... it's gonna take years." Cosima winces, stopping as the waiter approaches to take their order.
"Then you better keep working." Delphine bites her lip considering, should she tell Cosima that she's staying a year? About her new apartment in Berkeley? Would Cosima even want to be spending time with her if she knew?
Cosima laughs, unsure of what else to say, "So regretting dinner yet? You're missing Leekie's presentation. He's actually a good lecturer." Cosima admits half-heartedly.
"Have you read Woman the Gatherer?" Delphine lights up when she sees Cosima's eyes illuminate at the mention of the book.
"I'm so in," Cosima grins, "Poking holes in the old boys' club. The stupid patriarchal assumption that women were dependent on men throughout history."
Delphine jumps back in with a laugh, "Doing nothing more than waiting for their hunters to return with a fresh kill and popping out babies."
"Yeah, when plant foods were most of the diet? Plus, hunting big game would have been done by the whole little society-thing. Women. Kids. Everyone." Cosima grins tilting her head, "That's what I want to work on. Exactly that... maybe after this thesis."
"Prehistory?"
"Well maybe, focusing on women though. You've done it, prehistory," Cosima looks at her admiringly again, "Ethiopia. Early human ancestors. It's incredible work Delphine."
"It was a good dig," Delphine nods, "Lots of sheep that looked like goats..." Her brow furrows remembering the confusion.
"Same animal, indistinguishable at the skeletal level, it's a matter of altitude." Cosima nods.
"Yes, that is what a colleague of mine said as well."
"Do you miss it?"
"Some things. The food. The people were lovely. The other archeologists. We worked for months, it was a bonding experience." Delphine holds back, not wanting to rush into it.
"Would you go again?"
"Maybe..." Delphine waves a hand across the table, "I think I might want to try New World archeology... maybe Peru."
"World's oldest mummies." Cosima responds without a moment of hesitation.
Delphine nods, unable to keep the smile off her face, "World's oldest mummies." Cosima remembers, she hasn't forgotten her at all.
She's about to reach across the table, to touch Cosima's hand... just to see if it would feel the same, Delphine assures herself. When the waiter interrupts with a smile, laying two plates in front of them.
"Looks great, thank you." Cosima thanks the waiter, and returns her attention to Delphine. "So what have you been up to?"
"A master's, a PhD and a post-doc." Delphine responds wryly.
"Right, sorry... you just cut through them... did you like have no life? Is it... is it my fault?"
"Non," Delphine shakes her head, picking up her fork and turning her attention to her food, "I love my work, I've always loved my work."
"I'm happy it worked out for you so well... and well honestly, really happy you came for dinner with me. I know you're only around another couple weeks, then you're gone. And if I didn't get to see you again... that... I'd hate that, you know?" Cosima rambles, eyes looking at her hopefully. She wants to reach out to touch her, to tell her that she got the sabbatical, that she won't be leaving, at least not yet. But something makes her hold back, would Cosima even be here if she weren't leaving? Would she be this open?
"I can't believe you're married." Delphine finally admits softly, looking across the table at Cosima.
"Why aren't you?" Cosima shoots back at her, tilting her head again between bites of her dinner.
"Well... there was a time I thought I would." Delphine responds slowly. Why not tell Cosima this?
Cosima leans forward on her elbows, "Really?"
"Yes... I was involved with Luc for nearly two years, I thought we would, my family thought we would, but... we didn't." Delphine admits sheepishly.
"I'm so sorry." Cosima apologizes, eyes widening, "I had no idea... "
Delphine stops her with a shake of her head, "It's okay. It was me. I was the asshole."
"It was you? What happened?"
"He asked me if I loved him as much as I loved archeology."
"Oh wow... so?"
Delphine shifts slightly before admitting softly, "I didn't lie. And then he asked me if I'd ever loved someone as much as archeology."
"Anyways," Cosima interrupts her, "It all worked out. You got your PhD. Your work visa."
"Yes, yes I did," Delphine laughs taking a small sip of wine, "And you got married."
"Last year. When did you cut Luc loose?" Cosima mimes cutting a rope.
"About 2 years ago." Delphine shrugs, "It... It wasn't what I wanted."
"So you're straight then?" Cosima probes, "Bisexual?"
Delphine pauses considering thoughtfully, "I think you'd have to call me bisexual." Sex? Sex with men she enjoyed certainly. But... had she loved them? Love? Love may be unique to Cosima alone...
"Okay." Cosima nods, seemingly thinking it through.
"Are you?" Delphine leans forward.
The brunette snorts softly, lowering her eyes before answering in a soft voice, "I don't know."
"Cosima, why did you get married?" Delphine looks across the table at Cosima, who looks almost vulnerable. It makes her want to ignore the years apart, gather her into her arms.
"I made a decision," Cosima answers finally, "David and I are on the same page about it, it's... complicated." Cosima waves her off, "Anyways I don't want to talk about that. Anyone in your life?"
It's Delphine's turn to laugh, "No... American men are lousy." She drops her voice so they won't be overheard.
"Rémy was lousy." Cosima suggest shrugging, "Wasn't he the one who-"
"Non, Rémy was odd. A bit lazy, but he... he didn't hurt me. He wasn't rough, or careless." Delphine emphasizes, "American men... are very disappointing."
Cosima stops eating for a moment, "So back to France with you then?" Her face falls noticeably at the thought.
"Maybe." Delphine shrugs not wanting to give things away just yet, "I've... applied for a few jobs."
"Ahh, still waiting then? Bureaucracy will get you every time."
She nods, not trusting her voice with that one small lie.
Cosima leans forward, "Do you want to see your photos?"
"What photos?" Delphine plays innocent, taking a prolonged sip of wine, just one glass tonight. She doesn't intend on getting drunk, she can't let herself lose control, not so close to Cosima.
"Your photos. My photos of you. I brought them." Cosima volunteers, "I could show you after dinner, if you want. And then we could, talk without..." Cosima jabs her hand in the direction of the waiter, of the other patrons.
Delphine gapes, photos here... they must be in Cosima's hotel room. Or...
She's still not sure how she ended up saying yes. She was supposed to say no, tell Cosima goodnight and return to her own hotel room. Cosima had been almost embarrassed after she asked for a few minutes, until Delphine finally spoke. Why then, had it been a yes?
Instead she stands awkwardly near the bed while Cosima opens up her box of photos, pulling prints from envelopes. She's well aware of the conference continuing, of the room of archeologists down three floors drinking late into the night. Where she should be. Or her own room on the seventh floor.
"Gorgeous, aren't they?" Cosima grins interrupting her thoughts, as she holds out a full-frontal shot of Delphine in black and white.
"Oh no..." Delphine groans wanting to hide her head in her hands.
"No, don't hide your face." Cosima finally touches her, gently prying her hands from her face, "They're beautiful... you're beautiful."
We were beautiful, Delphine wants to say, pointing towards a photo of their legs entwined on her old bed in Paris. That same tiny apartment she'd later shared with Luc. "They're...lovely."
"You're lovely." Cosima grins back, "Now.. look at them."
Her hand stays touching Cosima's, "Did you bring others?"
"Yeah... it's all my good looking women photos." Cosima pulls another envelope from the box, "The real lesbo stuff...like... completely... You'll see."
"Were they all your lovers?" Delphine's hand drifts over another photo of two women standing around naked in a field hugging.
"Umm... those two were yeah. That was crazy. Most of them, I guess. But not all, there were some exhibitionists... or just people who let me photograph them." Cosima admits.
"Both of them?" Delphine's eyebrows raise instantly.
"Yeah. All-women commune. Moved there with that one." Cosima points at the smaller woman, even tinier than Cosima herself, "And... she was with a few others, so...I was too?"
"Is that... what you do?" She almost pulls her hand away but cannot bring herself to do it.
Cosima shakes her head, "Not anymore. That was a mess. Left the community, went back to my master's."
"I'm happy you did," Delphine starts, "I mean your master's."
"Yeah. Of course. So worth it." Cosima nods, "I actually worked at a museum for a while after, it was great..."
Delphine's brow furrows sensing something, "What happened there?"
"Oh, that was pre-David and I was a little too radical lesbian for their tastes..." Cosima shrugs, "Their loss. Totally their loss."
"Yes. It is their loss." Delphine smiles sadly, is that why? Is this what Cosima is hiding? There's something ... not right, she knows that, she can feel it...
"Have you ever been with another woman? After me, I mean." Cosima asks, spreading out more pictures, some are... intensely homoerotic. She flushes, remembering doing similar things with Cosima, to Cosima.
"Are they having sex in front of you?" Delphine avoids the question, why should she tell Cosima about that? It was only once, and it had been a disaster.
"Yes." Cosima nods matter-of-factly, "So have you?"
"Yes." Delphine breathes, eyes flickering up to meet Cosima's. She's no longer able to deny the low heat settling into her body at their proximity.
Cosima grins at her, that same smile, "And?"
"It was... It wasn't what I wanted." Delphine answers softly, not wanting to tell her that it had made her miss Cosima so much more. That she hadn't been able to do so without longing for Cosima.
"So... do you want to like order dessert from room service? I'm feeling dessert right now. Ice cream?"
"Yes." Delphine nods enthusiastically, helping Cosima clear the photos off the bed and into their envelopes once again.
Cosima can't stop looking over at Delphine, carefully licking remnants of ice cream off her lips. So beautiful, so... Delphine.
She wants to reach out, yank her in. But she knows Delphine has to make the move, bridge the gap between them. She's nervous, Cosima observes, careful to keep a distance.
She can't stop thinking about kissing Delphine, about having Delphine. That's why she's here, Cosima admits inwardly, a plotted seduction. A one-last hurrah with Delphine before she takes off for wherever and takes up with some dude.
"What are you thinking about?" Delphine asks her softly, placing their ice cream dishes delicately back on the tray, standing up and straightening her clothes.
"You." Cosima smiles a half-smile, reaching out to touch her hand again, but Delphine shifts backwards.
"Tell me something, anything." Delphine invites, sitting back down just out of range.
"I never stopped thinking about you." Cosima answers without thinking. Not subtle, she wants to berate herself inwardly.
"Cosima..." Delphine chides her gently.
"I went to Europe about three years ago," Cosima stares intently at the ceiling for a moment, "I wanted to find you, I even looked you up in a French phonebook. But... I knew it was too late... so I... I didn't even try. I couldn't stand the thought you'd forgotten me, or moved on. I was terrified I'd show up at your place and there'd be this man there."
"There might have been. Luc. He practically lived with me for a little while." Delphine answers her softly.
"And you're so much braver than me... you came looking for me... you're... you're amazing Delphine." Cosima feels her heart swell just looking at Delphine, watching her eyes shift, her arms reaching out for her.
And it's too much. She's pushing too much... but she forgets when Delphine pushes forward, gently sealing their lips together, catching her own moan at the sensation.
Delphine kisses her like she's already making love to her, lips gently soothing against her own. Cosima melts into the kiss, throwing her arms around Delphine. Yes, she urges silently...
"No..." Delphine breaks the kiss breathing heavily, tears forming in her eyes, "We can't..."
"We can..." Cosima breathes, "It's okay." She knows somewhere in the back of her mind Delphine would be repulsed by her marriage, by David's...unusual fetish, by her own ... could she call it screwing around? None of that matters now, she tells herself, one night with Delphine. Just once... and she'll let it go.
"I'm sorry." Delphine apologizes, "I don't want to be... I can't be. You're married."
"I know," Cosima reassures, watching Delphine push herself up off the bed.
"We can't. I can't." Delphine shakes her head helplessly.
"It was just a kiss." Cosima tries reassurance again.
"Nothing is 'just' anything with you Cosima." Delphine nearly cries again and she can't stand it.
"Just stay? Please?" Cosima asks, "I know I don't really have the right to ask you that but... I don't want to..." Cosima trails off, but Delphine understands, "We can just talk. I just want to see you."
"Yes." Delphine eases herself down, facing Cosima, who takes her hand, beginning to play with her fingers.
Cosima tries to breathe slowly, "Tell me about your students... anything..." Delphine would have to be the aggressor, the persuasive one... but will Delphine even try?
She hasn't moved in half an hour, not to withdraw her fingers from Cosima's. Not to get up, slowly their words had turned to silence and slow touches. It was time to go, Delphine told herself repeatedly. Get up and leave. Instead she stares into Cosima's eyes, lets her eyes rake over Cosima's face.
Cosima moans slightly in the back of her throat, eyes closing, "You feel the same."
"So do you. La décharge electrique d'amour..." Delphine smiles, she hadn't imagined it. It was still incredibly stimulating, strange, and unique to Cosima alone.
"I don't want you to leave again." Cosima groans, fingers sliding over Delphine's palm, clinging to her hand.
"I have to leave." Delphine sighs, the room anyways. She'll tell Cosima tomorrow... Tomorrow about the sabbatical job, and ... they can go from there.
They are both quiet for what seems like ages, a strange expression flits across Cosima's face with a groan.
"What are you doing?" Delphine asks, resisting the temptation to lean down and take Cosima's fingers into her mouth.
"Playing with your fingers." Cosima answers simply.
Delphine's free hand goes to Cosima's temple, rubbing delicate circles, "I mean in your head."
"Making love to you." Cosima murmurs, eyes tightly shut. The words send a rush of arousal shuddering down her body, Delphine groans in response unable to help herself. The memory is too clear all of a sudden, Cosima making love to her.
"How?" She shouldn't ask, it's wrong to ask. It's a slippery slope to the affair she's already told herself many times cannot take place. She cannot be the other woman, not for a man, not even for Cosima.
"With my mouth." Cosima groans, eyes finally opening, dark and lidded.
Hazel eyes bore into her own and she can no longer resist, she rolls on top of Cosima and even through their clothes it's electrifying.
"Please. S'il te plait." Delphine is begging against Cosima's lips, pulling off her glasses and setting them on the beside table. Tell me this is okay, she thinks, tell me it's not a real marriage. She's crying, she knows she's crying but Cosima doesn't seem to care.
"We shouldn't." Cosima's voice is barely a whisper against her lips, but her hands have already found Delphine's hips, pulling her in closer.
"We are." Delphine husks back, lips descending on Cosima's. It feels the same, exactly the same. She kisses her with as much tenderness as she can manage, infusing her movements with her love. Her stupidly boundless love directed solely at Cosima.
A thigh slips between her legs and she whimpers, "No." Too far, too far...
"No?" Cosima stills, panting, looking almost panicked. Her heart aches, all of her aches. She needs Cosima, Delphine realizes sharply, and Cosima needs her...
"Don't stop. Cosima, please." She pulls Cosima back in hard, gently nipping at her upper lip, drawing her in again and again, Cosima rocking into her as she rucks up against her thigh. Their clothes are still on, it's not really sex, Delphine justifies to herself as she kisses Cosima frantically, her hips pushing harder into a soft thigh as pressure releases and her climax tightens her body, coming with a strangled whimper. She knows, Delphine realizes coming down as Cosima props herself up to get a better look at her.
"Oh my god," Cosima whispers softly, "You just came from that, you came for me." She's peppering kisses on her jaw, hands reaching to pull off Delphine's pants. She watches hazily as Cosima undoes her fly.
"Yes." Delphine confirms softly, pulling back, face flushed now. She reaches for Cosima's pants, how can she deny her now? She's already started this, she can finish it, shakily beginning to undress Cosima.
"You're so beautiful. Still so beautiful." Cosima has tears in her eyes as her hands continue to caress under her shirt, at the soft skin of her belly, her lower back. "It's not enough."
"Again?" Delphine asks, kicking her pants on to the floor. She separates just enough to yank Cosima's sweater up and over her head. She's bent on one thing only: getting Cosima inside of her.
"Yes." Cosima answers, yanking Delphine's blouse off, buttons flying off in every direction, "I'm going to make love to you all night."
"And in the morning?" Delphine knows what she is truly asking, in the morning this conference ends, Cosima goes home to her husband.
"I don't care." Cosima roughly forces their lips back together.
Her bra is tossed off, and a hot mouth on her nipple. She can feel the cool metal of Cosima's wedding band against her back, but she doesn't care. Cosima wiggles out of her pants, and pushes their bodies back together.
"Are you okay?" Cosima breathes between kisses as she reaches for the band of Delphine's white panties.
Delphine tries not to squirm, "Please... I need you." She finally groans.
"You need me?" Cosima whimpers back, voice breaking.
"Yes." Delphine whispers before Cosima claims her lips again, as her own hands unclasp a bra, watching Cosima toss it onto the floor before groaning at the sensation of their bodies pressed together.
"I love you." Cosima whispers as she strips her own underwear off, "I've never loved anyone like I love you. I was so stupid." She murmurs at her between kisses pressed to already flushed skin..
"Je t'aime," She assures Cosima as she watches the brunette slide down her body, tongue parting her. Hands guiding her legs up over Cosima's shoulders as she presses her mouth to her sex sucking firmly. It's almost like Cosima has been starved of this. Of me? Delphine wonders. Or of women? It's too rough, her little cries seem to excite Cosima further and she has to get her attention.
"Gently." Delphine grips her shoulders, "You're hurting me."
"Sorry." Cosima breaks contact, "Sorry... so sorry." She turns gentle, flicking her tongue gently, hands smoothing at her skin.
"Cosima..." She moans, reaching down to catch Cosima's hands in her own, to hold whatever parts of her she can. She can give herself to Cosima, they can begin again, Delphine tells herself.
She looks down at Cosima, nose buried in curls, breath staggered as she looks up at her, moving into her, kissing and licking at her.
Cosima hums into her, moans into her, until Delphine is moaning back, writhing beneath her perfect mouth.
She cries out as she comes again, shuddering hard against Cosima's mouth, thighs clamping involuntarily around her ears. Tears fall freely, but neither of them mind, as she grabs Cosima firmly, kissing her deeply. They both struggle to catch their breath, to form words.
"Mon amour." Delphine breathes, "Oh... Cosima." Her hands are stroking soft skin, and Cosima feels the same, exactly the same against her.
"You feel so good." Cosima groans back, claiming her lips in another kiss, "I didn't think it would be like this."
"Like what?" Delphine asks, kissing Cosima's hairline, stroking now messy hair back from her face.
"So..." Cosima stops herself, "I just feel so much." Cosima cries, her voice breaking, and her heart swells in response.
Delphine smiles sadly, pulling her down against her body and kisses her sweetly this time.