Chapter 20

Sully stood at the foot of the stairs, bracing himself for the task ahead. John had warned him not to demand too much at once from his legs, but he would do anything to climb up these steps even though it seemed to him as if there was a hundred of them. Propped up on a crutch on his right side and supported by Daniel on the left, he took in a deep breath before he said, "All right. I can do this. Let's go."

Clenching his teeth, he fought his way upwards, releasing a groan now and then. When he at last reached the top step, he was bathed in sweat but felt triumphant at the same time. He'd made it and was ready to face any other challenge. The only thing that bothered him was that he needed his friend's help to get to his room where Michaela already rested for a couple of hours. Although she'd claimed she was simply tired, he could tell that there'd been more to it. He'd known better though than to question her.

As they passed Michaela's room where Myra's son slept, he halted in his tracks asking Daniel, "Could ya take a look?"

"Sure," Daniel nodded, gave Sully his second crutch and waited until his friend stood stably on his feet. Then he went to take a peek at the boy who was obviously sound asleep, holding onto Wolf as if he'd never let him go again.

"He's fine," Daniel informed Sully as he resumed his place at his side.

Yet Sully shook his head indicating that he wanted to go on without help. Carefully watching and ready to instantly make a grab on him, Daniel accompanied his friend to the master bedroom.

As they reached the door, they glanced at each other in mute understanding. If they knocked so as to announce their arrival they would wake Michaela if she was already asleep. That was why they decided for Daniel to quietly open the door just wide enough to see whether she was still awake. She wasn't, and thus Sully, after casting Daniel another quick look in order to thank him and say good night, crept into the dark room as silently as possible. However, not making any noise proved to be a harder piece of work than expected for he could barely make out where to put his feet without hitting one of the furniture that was irregularly clattered around the room, still waiting to be restored and sold afterwards. The dim moonlight that came through the window wasn't much of a help either, but in the end Sully made it to his side of the bed. Although Michaela stirred when he lowered himself onto the mattress, she didn't wake. That happened only a few hours later.

With Michaela tossing and turning as she had done it at the hospital the previous night, Sully only dozed off now and then, but he didn't mind. He was prepared for her having another nightmare, yet as she suddenly straightened into a sitting position, gasping for air, he hadn't seen it coming.

His reaction was still quick though. Not wanting to startle her, he carefully sat up as well, gently rubbing her back. "It's alright," he said softly. "Ya are safe."

Michaela didn't reply, but her breathing gradually regulated itself. "I'm sorry," she at last muttered, her embarrassment audible, "I didn't want to wake you."

"Hey." Sully gently put his fingertips under her chin, guiding it until he could see her eyes. "We're friends, remember? Friends are there for each other, no matter what. Someone taught me that only recently."

Michaela swallowed, blinking back her tears. It would be good if she could really believe that she wouldn't have to go through the aftermath of her personal hell on her own. But maybe Sully thought her weak if she accepted his comfort, and that was the last thing she wanted. She would never allow herself to appear weak in anyone's eyes for this would make her too vulnerable. Yet then a scene from not very long ago flashed before her eyes: she remembered how it had felt to be rejected when all that she wanted was to help. However, before she could make a decision about what to do, Sully pulled her in his arms, whispering, "Ya look as if ya could use some holdin'."

She didn't resist as he lay back, pulling her with him because the sense of safety that engulfed her in his embrace was what she needed at this very moment. The steady drum of his heart beneath her ear as her head rested on his chest soothed her further, and she eventually calmed down. With that, however, her thinking set in again. The way she lay spread over Sully's upper body wasn't quite appropriate for just friends but she still remained where she was. Their bodies seemed to be shaped for each other, and it was simply comfortable to lie in his arms, and the consolation she felt by his closeness didn't hurt either.

After a while, Sully quietly offered, "Anytime ya need some holdin', just ask."

Michaela understood these words as what they were: an assurance for the future, yet comfort and kindness were too much for the fragile state of her emotions. The dam she had built to keep her pent-up feelings in check burst, and she wasn't able to stop the tears anymore. If only the last weeks would never have happened! Then she could still hope that Sully and she would once share their lives. Although he still wanted it, Michaela knew now it would never work. And as to top it all, she would have a child which he'd never wished for.

Feeling the t-shirt that he wore for the night become wet at the spot where Michaela's head rested, Sully realized that she was silently crying. He wasn't sure what to say or do, fearing he would make it worse. Yet then he remembered that being frightened for the wrong reasons had already brought him into a big enough mess, and thus he settled in acting the way he felt was right.

Stroking her hair, he softly began to rock her. "Just let it out," he encouraged her in a low voice. "I'm here."

As he didn't gain any reaction, he went one step farther as he promised, "I'm always gonna be here for you if ya need me."

Michaela was certain that he really meant it. "I know," she sniffled, "thank you." As a friend, he was unbeatable.

Yet friendship demanded honesty, from both of them. He should get to know what it was that gave her an even harder time than her being taken hostage. Before she could stop herself, she said it out loud, "I wish you would have wanted the baby."

Totally taken by surprise, Sully forgot to keep his ton low. "But I do!" he exclaimed, "How can ya doubt that?"

Undeterred by his emotional reaction, Michaela countered, "You told me that you don't want another child, remember? And now that it's on its way you only accept it, which I, of course, am thankful for. But that's not the same. I want my child to be loved, not accepted."

Whilst talking, she moved out of his embrace, returning to her side of the bed so she could take a Kleenex out of the drawer of her nightstand.

Sully sighed. He recalled the night when they'd decided to use protection, and of course her memory was correct. He had, however, thought that she'd understood that this wasn't as much about a baby but his fear that history might repeat itself. Waiting until she had cleaned her face and lay down on her back, keeping a distance from him now, he shifted on his side. Supporting himself on his elbow he watched her reaction when he, hoping to settle this problem, clarified, "I only said it 'cause I don't wanna lose ya, too. I didn't wanna take that risk."

Yet with this reasoning he made it worse. Annoyed because of the constant comparison between her and his late wife, Michaela shot him an angry look. She sounded somewhat impatient as she set him straight, "Nothing will happen to me and the baby. I'm not Abigail, Sully." She wanted to add that she wished he would finally let go of her if he really wanted to move on with his life, yet knowing that it wasn't her place to say something like that, she dropped it. Instead she said, "And now excuse me; I'm tired."

Not even looking at him again she turned so she faced the wall rather than him. As she pulled the cover over her body, all that was left for him to see was the top of her head.

Stunned by her irritation as the reaction to his words that were to show her how much she meant to him, he stared at the soft strands of hair that gleamed in the light that the moon cast onto her pillow. Although it was impossible that she had already gone back to sleep, he didn't insist on continuing their conversation. First he needed to think.

It didn't take him long to recall that Daniel had asked him only a few days ago how he would like it when Michaela mentioned her former fiancé all the time. Putting himself in her shoes, Sully recognized that annoyance would have been the most harmless of his reactions. That was why he spent the better part of the remaining night with sorting through his feelings, trying to find out why it was that Abigail still seemed so very present on his mind. Of course he didn't intend to forget her, but if he really wanted to build a new life with Michaela and their child, he had to find out what was wrong with him. He was already positive that it wasn't about him wanting Abby back because he had put her to rest for good the moment he pulled his wedding ring from his finger, which he did five months ago.

When at last the new day dawned outside, he knew it. He was so eager to tell Michaela that he carefully crept closer to her, craning his neck in order to find out if she was still asleep. She was, and so he had no choice but wait. Yet without knowing it, he drifted off.

As Michaela woke, the light of the early day brightened the bedroom. She heard Sully's even breathing next to her but didn't turn to look whether he was actually still asleep. Her decision didn't have anything to do with any anger that might still linger from their nightly discussion but rather with her fear to move at all. The last mornings had taught her that when she shifted her body even the tiniest bit once she'd opened her eyes, she would need to dash to the bathroom immediately. Thus she remained completely motionless for another minute, trying to steal herself for the sickness that would overwhelm her any moment.

As she at last slowly sat up, the expected wave of nausea swept over her. Only having the goal to reach the toilet bowl in time, she momentarily forgot her injury as she rushed towards the bathroom. Yet after she'd emptied her stomach, sitting on the cold tiles on the floor, she became aware of the throbbing pain in her leg. Obviously she'd bumped with it against one of the pieces of furniture earlier. Hoping she hadn't done further damage, she pulled herself up, holding onto the sink. She knew she had to lie down again, but first she needed to brush her teeth and splash some water on her face.

Biting back the pain as she limped along the hallway, she still paused at her room where the door stood ajar. Opening it further, she saw Zack peacefully sleeping. One of his arms was thrown over Wolf who lay outstretched at the boy's side. Sensing rather than hearing Michaela's presence, the dog lifted one eyelid, and it looked as if he greeted her and assured that everything was under control.

Smiling, Michaela backed out of the room as silently as she'd ventured into it and continued on her way to the master bedroom. As she entered it, Sully looked at her, attempting to appear unconcerned. Michaela could tell though that it cost him some effort to not show his worry. Thankful that he didn't bombard her with question about her welfare, she crawled under her cover again, whispering, "Good morning."

"Mornin'," Sully replied, his voice slightly croaking.

As Michaela shifted to get herself into a more comfortable position, a soft hiss escaped her. She had accidentally twisted her injured leg somewhat which caused a new flash of pain. She would have to take a look at the wound later, but for now she simply wanted to lay still until she felt somewhat better.

They lay in companionable silence for several minutes until Sully screwed up the courage to tell Michaela what was in his heart. "I've been thinkin'," he quietly began, his gaze still directed at the ceiling.

"I know an apology is only words that ain't enough for makin' it up to ya. But I still want ya to know that I'm sorry for everythin' I put ya through lately."

Michaela didn't react, and he wondered whether she listened. A furtive glance showed him that she lay on her back with her eyes closed. She wasn't asleep though and thus he continued his attempt to explain himself, "I have no right to demand understandin' from ya. I only hope ya can believe me that I've learned from my mistakes."

Even to his own ears this statement sounded rather shallow. He was doing it again: avoiding speaking about his deepest emotions. "I'll do anythin' that's needed for ya to be happy. Even if it means to let ya go."

Only when he heard the light rustle of her sheets as Michaela eventually moved, he turned on his side. She was facing him now, and holding her gaze he continued, "I've never had the feelings for Abigail that I have for ya. We see so many things alike that I occasionally think ya can read my mind. That frightens me." Encouraged by the intent way she listened, willing to understand him, he added, "And ya are so strong that I sometimes fear I might lose myself next to you."

Michaela could only guess what it had cost him to admit these thoughts, first to himself and now to her. "Sully," she breathed, reaching for his hand. She was so deeply moved by his confession that for once, she was at a loss for words. Thus she stayed silent but didn't avoid his gaze. That was enough though, for they both were able to interpret what they saw. Sully knew that he had done the first step to win her trust back, and Michaela recognized that out of respect for her feelings, he'd revealed some of his innermost fears, making himself vulnerable in order to help her to get over the hurt he'd caused her.