A/N: Okay, so this is kind of important. This chapter and the next one will share the same title because they will follow the same events - only, this one will be from Emma's POV and chapter 21 will be from Regina's. Hope you enjoy x

CHAPTER 20 – Emma – Kissed

"Ow! OW! Set me down gently!" Regina snapped as I helped her onto her bed, careful not to press too hard onto the recently-healed wound on her back. She had finally been released from the hospital, after five whole hours of waiting for a great amount of nothing to happen (Whale wanted to make sure her values were completely stable before releasing her), and we had just gotten to the mansion – after a long, long car ride. No matter how many amnesias Regina went through, she would never miss an occasion to insult my beloved beetle.

"Oh, come on, stop whining! You should be thanking me. And fuck Whale who didn't want me to just teleport you up here…"

Still complaining under my breath about the instructions the doctor gave me, I made a quick stop to the en-suite, filling the cup Regina kept on her nightstand with fresh water, before joining her on her bed and sitting at the foot of it.

Oddly enough, now that I had come to terms with my feelings for her and I knew for a fact that she was mentally and physically stable, I had become much more sensitive and, especially, reluctant, to any form of physical contact with her. When I had had to hold her by her waist in order to help her up the stairs, I thought the blush that had my face burning up would never fade away; every time our hands accidentally brushed against each other, or she would innocently squeeze my arm, I found myself jerking away from the touch, moving as far away from Regina as possible and justifying my actions with the most pathetic excuses in the world.

I was aware I was doing it purely out of fear. I was afraid Regina would suddenly realize I was in love with her and consequently push me away (again, as I realized earlier, her returning my feelings wasn't even remotely an option). It was a risky situation: I didn't want her running away from me, both emotionally and physically. The fact that her returning to New York was completely plausible had me even more concerned. However, I did realize that, ultimately, I was pushing her away in order to avoid her doing the exact same thing, so pursuing that behavior wasn't a good solution, either.

I was staring blankly at the cup Regina had just sipped from, and, right on cue, it was her hand on mine that pulled me out of my reverie, crowning my train of thoughts with their practical demonstration. As anticipated, I reflexively jolted away from her touch, promptly feigning a particularly painful paper cut as the reason behind my action. The stare she gave me in response was one of absolute skepticism, yet she didn't comment on the matter, momentarily letting it slide – for which I couldn't be more thankful.

"So," I began, "I know my magic restored most of your health values and saved you from the bother of a transfusion despite the amount of blood you lost, but Dr. Whale recommended you stay in bed and rest for the next few days. You'll be back out and about by Sunday; until then, you're not moving from here."

"According to what you told me about that joke of a scientist, I wouldn't deem it unlikely for this forced restraint to be his own personal revenge against me," Regina commented, and I couldn't find a good enough counterargument. Whale had never seemed to care much about Regina's well-being – hell, he despised the woman. However, I wasn't one to look a given horse in the mouth; if he had helped her, maybe it meant he was over whatever feud had existed between the two.

"It's not gonna be that bad," I reassured her. "It's only for two days, anyway. I'll make sure you have everything you need and something to do… Maybe you could read a book, or watch a movie on your laptop…"

"Oh, I know exactly what I would like to do, right now…" she said slowly, her eyes and her tone failing to conceal her hunger. "Or, should I say?, who… Too bad you've been such a bad girl, earlier. I imagine you'll have to redeem yourself…"

My breath hitched at her words. I forcefully swallowed the lump in my throat and kept my eyes glued to hers, obliging my gaze not to drop to her lips. I tenaciously ignored the throbbing that had immediately started between my legs, raising from my position to escape the room and, consequently, the sexual tension building between us.

"Sorry- We can't- I- You're too weak, you need to rest," I spluttered, only to quickly make a run for the door. I couldn't stop myself from looking back at Regina, though, and the contemplative appraisal displayed on her features hinted me that she had noticed my unconventional behavior. Great. Good job, Swan.

I sprinted down the stairs, needing to get as far away from Regina as possible. I hadn't anticipated that, being by myself, the gravity of what happened would drop onto me, draining me. After the rush of adrenaline had worn over, hours earlier, the only thing that had kept me going had been pure force of will. Now, even that was leaving me, taking the shape of small droplets of sweat on my skin. I leaned against the wall for stability, aware that my legs alone wouldn't be able to keep me upright. I took a deep breath, desperate in my struggle to keep some composure; it came out shaky and airy, accompanied by a couple of tearless sobs. I slid down the immaculate wall and curled up, hugging my bent legs as if to physically hold myself together.

There had been so much blood… So much sorrow… The fear that Regina would never wake up had been almost bodily painful. Maybe it was the large amount of magic I had been shedding, and the weariness it had left throughout my body; but I knew that, on some level, the force that had been clutching my chest in the operation room was but utter terror.

After that, there had been so much realization.

I was in love. When had that ever gone well for me? Hell, even for Regina. I had believed my heart to be too broken to be able to fall for someone again. In a way, it had been a reassuring thought: there was no risk for it to get shattered yet another time. Instead, here I was, feeling its cracks tearing open, an excruciating torture that would never end. Because Regina didn't love me back. This is so fucked up…

It was an unexpected buzz from my phone that pulled me out of those god-awful memories and thoughts – as if I didn't have enough of those, already. The identity of the sender helped even more.

By the time I managed to open the text, my breathing was undoubtedly more regular.

From: Kid Hey, just checking in. Grandma's still a bit shook, so I'll spend the night helping gramps with her and the baby. Do you need anything?

It didn't take much for me to understand the unspoken question lingering hidden in between those short lines: "How is mom?"

I typed in a quick reply, my shaky hands making the task aggravatingly more difficult than usual.

To: Kid We're good. How're things going there? Don't leave the loft, it's pouring outside. X

The last line was so comically unlike me that I cringed internally as I wrote it. Not that I wouldn't normally worry about my son; but it was Regina who used to make sure he wouldn't get himself into any type of dangerous situations – fairytale villains and magical mishappenings aside. I was the fun parent; she was the responsible one. It had taken the both of us a lot of fighting and a lot of hurting to finally accept precisely that: Regina had come to terms with me being Henry's mother as well, whilst I had admitted to not being reliable whatsoever, hence unable to take care of a child without someone else's help.

Henry reassured me with a quick reply, and noticing the small digits on the screen – 5 AM, damn – I established that a few hours of sleep would be a good idea. The daring thought of sleeping on the couch did cross my mind, but I knew better that to run away from my problems (wow, what a long way I had come, since first arriving in Storybrooke). After all, what I had mused on back at the hospital was still a valid thought: I had been in love with Regina for a long time already, so having finally come to terms with those feelings didn't mean everything was suddenly going to change. Besides, had I pursued the idea of sleeping on the sofa, neither Regina nor I would have been able to fall asleep. Not that I was going to, anyway… my head was far too busy to let me get some rest.

I made a quick stop to the kitchen to chug down a glass of water – a helpless attempt to soothe my nerves once and for all – before silently climbing up the stairs once again.

Regina's eyes were on me the moment I stepped in her field of vision. Although she didn't say anything, I could see the confusion from earlier still swirl behind her brown orbs. I knew she deserved an explanation, but I had been through so much already, that day; I couldn't find it in my heart to give her it, only to be pathetically rejected.

I ignored her gaze and walked in the bedroom, slowly stripping to my underwear and the tank top I had put on at the hospital, before moving to my side of the bed. I took a deep breath – which she didn't seem to catch on – and climbed in beside her.

I could feel her gaze bore into the side of my face, but I couldn't bring myself to face her; I couldn't bring myself to snuggle on top of her like I usually did.

And I couldn't stop the shaky sob that left my lungs when it was her, that wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her head on my chest, taking the same exact position I would usually fall asleep into.

"I'm so sorry," I managed to choke out, an airy whisper that got lost in brown hair.

"I know," she replied.

"That knife was supposed to hit me."

Her response wasn't as immediate, this time. She sighed, her warm breath tingling my skin. "I know."

It took me a minute to properly assimilate and digest her words. "Y-you do?"

I felt her nod against my chest. "I... felt your mother's presence, as well as that dagger's. I can't tell you what exactly took over me. It was a reflexive reaction, much like an instinct. I knew for a fact that she wanted to hurt you, and there was not a chance that I would simply stand there on the side and watch. I wasn't going to let her hurt you, and if my own life was the cost of your safety, I was prepared to pay it. I was overtook by a profound need to protect you, and my life in exchange for yours seemed like a reasonable enough price."

Once again, I took my time to reply, breathing deeply to stop weeping. I had a lot on my mind, at the moment, and I needed to sort out my thoughts before continuing the conversation.

"Yeah, we… we do that a lot, you and I," I said shakily. "We've always stood up for each other; always protected one another; always saved one another. It started as a promise to Henry but, as time went by, it became a sort of unspoken vow between us. Eventually, we even ended up trusting each other, although I've let you down more times than I'd like to admit. It was never intentional, of course. To be honest, I've never wanted to hurt you, not even when we were fighting over Henry, not even when you almost killed him. I… Tonight I found out something, something about me, that has made me doubt everything I've ever done in the past… Or, at least, the reasons behind those deeds."

"What is it?"

I looked down into those big, brown eyes. There was something behind them; I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly, but for some reason it had me think that she knew the answer to her own question already.

An answer that, however simple and obvious, I wasn't ready to share with Regina just yet.

"You should rest," I replied, then. "It's been a hell of a long night."

"I'm not leaving again," she whispered. How she knew what was actually bothering me, I couldn't tell.

"Tonight you almost did."

She held on to me tighter. "I knew you wouldn't let me."

As I had anticipated, for the first time since Regina came back to Storybrooke, I wasn't able to fall asleep. My body wanted to – trust me, it really did. 'Exhausted' didn't even begin to express just how emotionally and physically drained I felt.

Nonetheless, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get my brain to shut off. Anxiety swirled inside my stomach throughout the whole morning: I couldn't help but think about what terrible consequences my feelings could lead to. I kept picturing heart-breaking scenarios, as vivid as dreams but completely rational: I saw Neal and Killian, proof of what terrible mistake it is, to love me; I saw Regina, over and over again, at first leaving me because she didn't remember me, then because she didn't love me back, then because she did – and her love was just as cursed as mine.

Then I saw myself, old and wrinkly, during a family reunion: Henry and his wife were there, and my nephews as well, but all I could see was his other mother, and all I could think was, 'What if'…

There was no way out of it, really. Whether I told Regina how I felt for her or not, I would suffer. Because she didn't love me back – of that much I was sure: we had kissed countless times, but she was still cursed –, and because even if she did, she would be too scared to pursue anything, but especially because she didn't remember me.

I sighed.

I knew Regina wasn't able to sleep well, either. Her brow kept furrowing, telling sign of uneasiness and disturbance – whether it was because she could feel I wasn't asleep, or because she knew I was devastated, I didn't know. I would leave a trail of feather-light pecks along her forehead until her expression relaxed once again, waiting for it to return to its troubled state a few minutes later and repeating the process.

I watched her sleep. I knew it was creepy, but she was too beautiful not to – even more so now that I was being true to myself. I watched her sleep and I wondered how incredibly different our lives would have been, had I realized I was in love with her three years ago, when our hearts weren't quite as broken, when our lives weren't quite as fucked up. Maybe we could have made it work. Maybe we could have been happy. Maybe the door-bell outside the mansion would have read 'Swan-Mills' by now, and there would have been a toddler sleeping in our bed, and a dog in Henry's.

But it's too late, now, and all that's left are maybe's and what if's…

At ten AM I got up. I couldn't bear another minute in that bed – my mind was killing me, almost as much as Regina's vicinity. I left the bedroom as silently as I could and padded to the kitchen. I felt lightheaded, unbalanced. Anyone could have told something was off just from my wobbly walk. My eyes burned from lack of sleep and unshed tears, my head hurt, my chest was clenched. I wasn't okay, that much was obvious.

My hands moved automatically, almost robotically, as I made coffee – eating was out of the question, what with my guts being all painfully knotted; whatever I got down I was sure would have come right back up. As I waited for the coffee to brew, my gaze was caught by the framed photograph resting on top of a shelf: Regina was beaming, her right hand holding the camera to take the picture while her left arm held upright a two-year-old Henry in his bathrobe.

Some of the pain left, at the sight. It's not like I had never seen the picture before; countless times I had found myself longing for a memory as happy as that one. But this time, instead of worsening my state, it healed me slightly, because I knew that, even if I were suffering for an impossible love, seeing Regina smile like that – genuinely, mindlessly – would make me happier than I could ever hope for. And knowing that I had the astounding luck of having parents, a brother, a child that would smile like that because of me, well, it made the pain all the more bearable.

I had a family. All I had ever wanted and more. Even without Regina's love, I could be okay: after all, I had her as a friend, which already was extraordinary in itself…

Then my train of thought was interrupted by none other than its object, softly climbing down the stairs, and the smile I plastered on my face wasn't entirely forced.

"What's wrong?" she asked once she had entered the kitchen, a serious, concerned stare hidden behind puffy eyes.

"I couldn't sleep." I flinched at my raspy voice. "Coffee?"

She nodded. Her gaze was cast down, her eyes were missing their usual spark. She was sad. "How come you weren't able to sleep?"

"I had a lot of things on my mind," I replied. The coffee was ready, but I couldn't care less. I made my way towards her, planning on squeezing her arm or patting her shoulder to comfort her, but I found myself unable to do so. Before I could realize what was happening, she hugged me – a real hug, not dissimilar to the one we had exchanged before the blackout at the ball.

It knocked the air out of my lungs, and the butterflies in my stomach woke up. I didn't move away. I couldn't have if I had tried: I hadn't realized just how much I needed it.

There were many things I wanted to say. 'It's not your fault,' for starters. 'Forgive me for being an idiot and falling in love with my only true friend,' was also appropriate. 'Remember me…'

Of course, the words that left my mouth were as out of context as they possibly could ever be.

"I saved you from a fire that Mr. Gold had set at Town Hall, once. You had the guts to complain about how I did it and didn't thank me afterwards." I let out a soft chuckle at the memory.

"After your curse broke and everyone remembered who they were and who you were, a mob of people came here at the mansion to get their revenge for what the Evil Queen had done to them. I stopped them before they could hurt you.

"Once, Gold had cast a spell on a portal to close it, in order to prevent Cora – your mother – from entering Storybrooke; however, Snow and I were going to use that portal to come back from the Enchanted Forest and, against any better judgment, you removed the spell and let us come through, essentially saving our lives.

"Then, when Pan's curse hit, you saved Henry and I by letting us leave Storybrooke, with new memories and no recollection of this place – although you saved me more than anyone else: you gave me the past that I had always wanted; you let me know what having a family truly meant. You saved me in a way that I never knew I needed.

"And then, I became the Dark One in your place.

"You understood me when no one else did; I believed in you when no one else did. Every single one of these things, I've done for you. Sometimes I would pretend it was Henry who convinced me, other times I would use the excuse of 'being the Savior'; deep down I've always known the truth, although I was just as oblivious about it as you were.

"I'm telling you this because I need you, the real you, now more than ever. I need you to slap some sense into me, to pin me to reality and keep me from drowning in my mind. I need you to remember me." I broke the hug to fix my watery eyes in hers: I was desperate and hopeless, and I needed her to understand just how deeply tortured I felt. I needed her help. "Please, Regina," I whispered. "For one last time, please, save me."

And I saw something.

As if a veil had been removed, her eyes gained the sparkle that they had lost months ago. My heart fluttered with hope, for the first time since Regina left, and I saw that glint for what it was: recognition.

"Em-ma…"A word so full of meaning escaped her lips; heavy with the memories it held and the feelings it hid, it struck me harder than anything.

Our faces were mere inches apart. My heart was beating faster than ever, because I knew what was going to happen. I knew that, if we kissed, her curse would break. I knew it, but I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to get my hopes high only to see them tumble down.

I had never really believed I would ever see my Regina again; I think that, on some level, I was simply resigned to that fate – the fate of loving someone who wasn't there anymore.

But that light behind her eyes meant that she remembered me. The way she uttered my name meant that she loved me back. I knew these things for a fact.

So, I was an inch away from my wishes to come true, or for my heart to break.

Honestly, what more did I have to lose? It was in pieces already.

She leaned in and I closed the distance between us. A wave of energy washed over me as our lips brushed against each other, ever so slightly, for the briefest of moments.

I opened my eyes and finally, after months, I looked at Regina.

Then, a whispered, "No…" and a cloud of purple smoke.