Chapter 20… Judge, jury, executioner

Octavia sat quietly in her room. She would go there when the pressure was too heavy. Niylah would sometimes join her. Although they were only friends, Niylah became the one that could calm Octavia down when it got real bad. Her soothing voice was just that; calm and soothing.

There was a soft knock; one that Octavia could easily recognize. The door creaked open and Niylah peeked her head in. "Hey," she said softly. She entered the room. "I heard,' she said.

"Had to be done," Octavia said without much emotion.

"I know, still no one should be forced to carry out such things unaffected," Nylah said softly.

"Here, scoot," Niylah motioned for Octavia to give her room to sit. She sat behind Octavia and began rubbing her shoulders. "You're really tense," she said

Octavia closed her eyes and stiffened her back before taking a relaxing breath.

"They expect me to keep order…so I keep order," Octavia said

"Still…I know it's hard," Niylah said

"I bear it so they don't have to," Octavia said

"Such words…" Niylah said

"My brother told me that one time. He said they were Clarke's words to him. Just before she left him, and broke his heart," she said "But they make sense. I can see that now," she said

"If I pass sentence, I should be the one to carry it out," she said.

Niylah held onto Octavia's shoulders and stopped massaging them for a moment. "I won't leave you, Octavia. You know Gaia and I will always be here to support you and her mother as well. She is proud of the sacrifices you have made to keep peace," she said

"I thought…"Octavia paused as if she were trying to find the words. "It's like killing comes easy, and that worries me. Thing is…if I don't do it quickly, they'll look at me as being weak, and weakness is death," she said. "I can't afford to look weak."

"You spend too much time alone," Niylah said "It's not healthy."

"I have Mika," Octavia said

"Where is he then?" Niylah asked "He should be here with you after these things."

Octavia squeezed her eyes. She pictured the face of the man as she plunged her blade into his belly. She kept seeing his fear and his pain. She squeezed her eyes; trying to shut out the memories.

"Mika's not that kind of guy," she said

She wished Mika was a person she could lean on. But the young grounder didn't know what she needed much of the time. They were company. He was a warm body she used as much as he used her. She knew that he looked at her as a status symbol. The man tried to be a comfort, but he could never be the man she once had, he could never replace Lincoln, and she had come to accept that. She accepted the fact that the old Octavia was long gone. Now she was Heda. She was judge and executioner. Her people feared her, and that's the only thing that kept the peace. It's the only thing that kept her in charge.

"I know how you get after things like this," Niylah said "It's to be expected. You're only human," she said

"Am I?" Octavia questioned. "I feel like I'm losing myself," she said.

"Do you still have hope your brother will save us?" Niylah asked.

"He'll come. I have faith in him," Octavia said "I know you don't like him," she said

Niylah didn't comment. Octavia knew the story between the two. She knew Niylah's father was a part of the army Bellamy had a hand in killing. She also knew her brother would always carry the guilt of it. It ate away at him, and she had punished him enough for it. Still she would never forget it.

"You don't know him like I do," she said softly, turning to look at Niylah. "I'll never forgive myself for the things I did to him. Still he never gave up on me. He took all my hate and never gave up on me," she said

"I blamed him for Lincoln….Maybe I was wrong, but I needed someone to blame."

"You're saving our people," Niylah said "There's a difference."

"Is there?" Octavia asked. "I just executed a man because he was caught stealing food," Octavia said "Stealing food!"

"My brother thought he was protecting his people," she said "He was wrong, and he knows he made a mistake. Still, he thought he was protecting his people. It's no different than me killing Torrence for stealing bread."

"Stop," Niylah said "Just stop doing this to yourself. It does you no good," she told Octavia "You do what you have to do."

Octavia stood. She turned and looked at Niylah, who was still sitting. "Thank you," she said "I just really need to be alone," Octavia said

Niylah knew that was her cue. She stood to go. "If you want company, you're always welcome to join Gaia and I for dinner," she said

"Thanks, but I have to meet Kane in a while," she said "I just want relax and be alone for a little bit first," she said.

When Niylah left, Octavia lay down and tried to sleep, but the face kept haunting her. He was joined by so many others. The faces of the dead that stared back at her. Torrence was just another person she killed. Countless grounders, Mt Weather guards, Pike, Luna, Ilian, the list kept growing. Sleep would not come and she didn't expect it would, it was only a hope.

Niylah slipped from Octavia's room and made her way to her own. Inside Gaia waited, and greeted Niylah with a concerned look. "How is she?" Gaia asked

"She's not good," Niylah said "It's hard for her, as it should be,"

Gaia nodded. "Yes I hate when it happens also. Why did Torrence do it? Surely he knew he'd be caught, and he knew what the punishment would be," she said

"Sometime I wonder if they do things just so they will be caught," Niylah said "like it's their way out."

"They are losing faith and some can't bare the idea of living the rest of their lives down here." Niylah said

"Octavia says her brother will save us," Gaia said

"Yes she still has faith," Niylah said

"Do you think she's right?" Gaia asked

"If so…then why hasn't he?" Niylah said.

Gaia walked to Niylah and wrapped her arms around her. She kissed her softly. She pulled back and looked into Niylah's eyes. "Let's hope she is right to believe in him," Gaia said.

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When Octavia finally met with Kane and Indra she plopped into the chair across from his desk as Indra stood against the wall, her ever forceful presence always felt. "What now?" she asked. "Are you going to lecture me again?" She was clearly frustrated with the forced meeting. Although she was clearly the one in charge, a part of her still looked on Kane and Indra as co-leaders. She could, at any time take total control, but when it came to those two she still looked on to them as her elders; her council. Still she hated it when they had these meetings.

"Octavia, I want to know how you're doing." Marcus asked. "I'm concerned…We're concerned," he corrected himself.

"Concerned?" Octavia asked "I'm doing what I've always done, what has to be done," she said "They look at me to lead, and that's what I'm doing," she said "I didn't want to do that, but I had no choice. You know that."

"Octavia," Indra spoke up and walked towards her, coming from the shadows. "You've done what you had to do. You've led your people. But you can't lose yourself."

"What Indra's trying to say is that… you just executed a man Octavia. You executed a human being and acted like you felt nothing. Did you feel anything?" Kane asked his expression full of concern.

Octavia stood and straightened her posture. "No I felt nothing," she said.

"You need to take a step back, Octavia," Kane said. "It's your anger; you lash out and react without listening," Marcus said from his seat "a part of being a good leader is also listening to the people, showing empathy."

"He broke the law," Octavia snapped "Every crime in this bunker is a capital crime, just like it's always been and just like it was on the Ark. You know that all too well Kane. There are no exceptions. Isn't that what you did when you floated my mother?" She argued back.

Kane exhaled and closed his eyes. He shook his head at her words. How could he argue with what she said, He understood.

"Leading with force is different than leading with brutality," Indra said

"If I waiver, they see that and that shows weakness. I can't let that happen," she said forcefully

Marcus stood and walked from behind his desk. He put his hand on her shoulder. "You still have to find your humanity. You have to listen to your people, show compassion when it's needed. You strike out without hearing the people," he said "I know how you feel, and trust me, I don't want you to look back and have regrets," he said knowing his words seems to be falling on deaf ears.

"Are we done now?" Octavia asked clearly annoyed with the conversation.

Marcus nodded along with Indra. Octavia turned and left.

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Octavia made her way back to her room and shut the door behind her. She knew she wasn't alone.

His familiar frame was in the shadows in the back of the room sitting in the chair. He was sharpening a blade, just busy work to pass the time. He sat the sword down when she entered and stood to meet her.

He didn't speak, words were not necessary between the two. Mika's hands immediately found her waist and pulled her to him. Octavia was their commander when she was outside her room, but inside she was Octavia Kom Trikru and he was Mika Kom Trishana Kru. The warrior was tall and towered over her small frame. His hair was long and fell like a black rope down his back. The familiar tattoos on his forehead reminded her of Ilian.

Mika reached around the back of her neck and pulled her to him; covering her mouth with his. She let him lift her onto the bed and quickly undressed. He took her in his arms and his body felt warm and safe. They spent time pleasuring each other and blocked out the world beyond the room.

Octavia lay in the dark quiet. Mika's body was pressed against her back as he held her wrapped in his arms, his hands intertwined in hers. "My Heda," Mika said "Torrence was Azgeda," He said "they don't belong here. You did good putting a blade in him," Mika said.

She knew how Mika felt about Azgeda. She knew Echo killed Ilian in the conclave, cheating for Azgeda, and had it not been for her victory, Trishanakru would all be dead along with 10 other clans. Ilian was Mika's friend, they had grown up together. Octavia often thought about Echo and how Roan banished her, she wondered what it felt like for the girl to burn in primfaya.

Octavia rolled onto her back, looking over briefly to Mika. "Torrence stole food. That's why I killed him," she said without emotion as she looked back up towards the concrete ceiling shrouded in dark shadows.

"Azgeda deserves no place here," he said just like he had for the last 4 years. "Each Azgeda death is a good thing," he said

"No," she said"everyone is equal here. I've told you that every time."

"They are not worthy," he said "they cheated"

"The guilty paid," she said "the ones here are innocent,"

Mika rolled over and looked into her eyes as he hovered above her,

"No Azgeda is ever innocent," he said mumbling into her mouth as he leaned in and kissed her deeply.

"Stop talking," she said as she closed her eyes and kissed him back. She didn't want to talk, or argue. She wanted to sink into his embrace and forget everything for right now.