Chapter 20

During the next two weeks, Dr. Anderson chipped away at the walls Lee had erected. The main difference now was instead of an hour at a time, she was conducting a single two-hour session daily. Lee was a master at evading. Much time had been wasted in the hourly sessions so when they finally came to the interesting part, their time was almost up.

She had been concerned during the first meeting in her office when Lee covered his ears and spoke to someone. Hearing voices was not a good sign. Inquiring, she was relieved to find it was only a reaction to a sudden audio flashback. That was a normal event in cases such as Lee's.

Little by little, she drew out the story of the visit to Professor von Kempner. She had the unhappy task of informing Lee about his death, which he took very hard.

"Chip was with him, and told me it was a peaceful end. You knew it was coming."

Lee's face emphasized how he felt about that. "It was my fault. I was the reason Chip was there. The professor worked himself up worrying about me. If I hadn't been so cocksure of myself and dismissive of his claims as the wandering mind of an old man, none of this would've happened. I couldn't even carry out his final wish. I failed to keep the manuscript from falling into the wrong hands." Lee's chin dropped into his chest. "No wonder everyone hates me, I am an incompetent know it all."

It was no time to regress to self-pity, and Dr. Anderson's voice was firm. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You graduated first at the Academy, got fast-tracked for your promotions and you were one of the youngest sub captains in the history of the Navy. That doesn't sound like an inept person to me."

Lee sat up, and she had the satisfaction of seeing that her words had gotten through to him.

He continued detailing the kidnapping, the reunion with Decker and his first beating. When questioned if that was when his hands were injured, Lee simply said no without any further explanation. She already knew how Frederick had broken the bones. She now had to find out the reason Lee was so reluctant to go into the reason and time it happened.

Lee didn't have much trouble relaying the first part. In fact, his voice was that of a casual observer as he recounted the pounding he received from the guards. The doctor understood she couldn't inquire for much details and past dealings with Decker for security purposes, however it was becoming very clear to her what kind of a man Decker was.

When it came to the actual torture and the use of recorded voices, Lee refused to discuss any of it and she didn't pursue the matter. They would build up to it.

The breakthrough came in the next session.

"I don't know why, but I was moved, maybe to protect where his headquarters was. When I woke up that last time, it was a different place. I can't tell you what city or town I was in, but it was definitely a castle."

"What happened to you?" Dr. Anderson inquired in a casual tone. She realized this was around the time Lee lost his voice, so it was imperative to find out the exact circumstances.

"I had been drugged and I was still groggy. In my confused state, I thought Frederick was going to attack me, so I took a swing at him. It infuriated him - how dare I! He had the guards hold onto my hands and brought his heavy boot down on each one." Lee held up his hands. "This was the result."

She pretended to look through her pages of notes. "Is this also when you lost your voice?" The doctor nonchalantly questioned.

Lee braced his elbows on his knees, eyes downcast, letting his head fall. He was ashamed to admit to his spineless actions.

"Lee?" Gently she attempted to prompt him. "I told you before. Everything is in strictest confidence. I've heard many horror stories from my patients, you can tell me anything."

"Not from a coward," Lee cried, still unable to look the woman in the eye.

"You forget I've read your file. They don't give the DSM to cowards. I know what happened aboard Seaview the first time you were in command."

Lee shrugged in dismissal. "You weren't there … you didn't see me ... see me." Jumping up, he stormed to the office door ready to make a run for it but his inability to turn the knob stopped him. He raised his damaged hands in fury, wanting to batter the door open, but knew he couldn't. Body slumping, he leaned his crossed arms across the wood and rested his head against them, shaking with bitterness for his failure to handle such an easy task.

"Dammit, oh dammit to hell!" Lee cried out in despair.

Dr. Anderson's stood behind him, waiting. The next few minutes would be crucial to the patient's recovery.

"I'll open the door and you may leave if you choose. You could run away like the coward you claim you are. Or you can stay and face what happened in that room. Are you telling me that would be worse than reliving it over and over in your mind? In any event, it's up to you; stay or go."

For a full minute, there was no movement or sound in the room except Lee's heavy breathing. Then he pushed himself upright, letting out a large sigh.

"If I took off, Chip would just drag me back and tell me what a complete fool I am. Probably kick my six to boot, too. I might as well stay."

He crashed onto the couch, head hanging back against the cushions. Half lifting it, he looked at the doctor through his thick lashes. "Would you really have opened the door for me?"

Her large blue eyes opened and she answered, "Yes. I told you the first day I wouldn't lie to you."

"You won't stop coming at me until I tell you my pathetic story, will you?"

"I said it before. It's your choice. Do you want to spend the rest of your life acting and feeling like you do now? You're free to leave my office, leave the clinic. No one will force you to remain. I'm certainly not going to beg you to stay."

"Thanks for making a guy feel welcome." Lee gave a weak laugh. "I'm acting like an ungrateful jerk."

"No, you're behaving like a human being who's been in hell and is trying to crawl his way back."

That remark produced an outright laugh from Lee.

Decker, next time I hope to send you to hell.

I'm sorry my friend, this time it's you that would be going to the fires of hell.

"What's so funny, Lee?"

"Something Decker said to me," he paused. "Maybe it's not so funny after all." Lee unconsciously rubbed his legs, his face reflecting the agony he couldn't erase.

The doctor went to a little alcove and opened a small refrigerator. "Time for a short break. I've got OJ, peach tea, water or Pepsi."

"Orange Juice is fine."

She poured the drink into a special glass Rick had fixed up to allow Lee to hold it by hooks on both sides. She added a straw and grabbing a diet Pepsi, returned to her desk.

"Let's take a break for a moment. Did K.C. tell you that she's being released day after tomorrow?"

"Yes. I'm going to miss her. I don't think I could have faced eating with others without her help. It means I'm going to need to get someone else to help me at poker. Still can't manage anything so thin. The card holding rack you gave me sure helps."

"I'm certain Barb Hawkes would love to replace K.C.," the doctor offered with a large grin on her face. "She finds you quite good-looking."

Lee made a face. "Never, that would be betraying K.C. Besides, Mrs. Hawkes has quite a rep in D.C. It's safer if I stay clear of her."

They exchanged polite banter for several minutes and then the doctor got back to business.

"You were going to tell me what caused the aphonia."

Lee finished his drink and carefully sat the glass down, taking his time, delaying his answer.

"After the bastard broke my hands, and Decker basically patted him on the back for the deed, he told me they had to leave." Lee paused, visualizing the events in his head.

"And then what?"

"He ... he told me the crew was coming for me."

It's time for us to leave you to your fate. May your God have mercy on you, I'm sure your 'friends' won't.

You can't leave me, Decker. My hands ... I won't be able to fight them. You know what they plan to do to me, you can't leave me behind.

"I panicked, pleading with him to stay, that I couldn't protect myself." Lee's breathing was coming faster. He was no longer in the doctor's office. "I was in my knees yelling, screaming for help. They simply left me locked in that cell with my enemies arriving." Crossing his arms over his stomach, Lee doubled over. "I crawled over and tried to hide by the cot still pleading. Damn, I was such a weakling. I could hear their feet; they were coming down the steps, Kowalski saying they should hang me from the tree outside." Lee was rocking back and forth reliving the nightmare. "I gave one last scream for help and passed out."

During Lee's story, Dr. Anderson got out of her chair and moved over to the couch, sitting next, but not too close to, Lee. She urged him to finish the tale. "Any idea how long you were out?"

Lee recovered slightly, pulling himself back up. "I'm not sure, not too long I think. I couldn't understand why I was still on the floor, by myself. I should have been dead. Then I realized they were outside talking about how much they hated me. I figured they were waiting ... wanting to taunt me ... prolong my suffering. I just lay on the floor. Waiting, waiting for the end. Then I realized they had gotten into the room without me realizing it. I heard them talking by the cot and I dragged myself slowly away, hoping they wouldn't see. By this time it was becoming dark, there were no windows, just light coming from a couple cracks in the door and walls. More of them came into the room, now they were on the other side." Lee's voice was growing softer, becoming difficult to understand. "I was surrounded. I curled up into a ball as small as possible. I closed my eyes and waited, waited for death."

Exhausted, Lee could barely hold his head up. The doctor gently pushed his shoulders down onto the couch and pulled up his legs. "Rest, you've earned it."

Dr. Anderson sat quietly contemplating what she had just heard. The aphonia was now easily explained along with the fetal position Lee was found in. A weaker man would not have been able to recover as far as Lee had done. It was up to her to make him understand and accept that. The psyche can only take so much until it rebelled. Losing the ability to speak was the mind's way of preventing Lee from telling this horrible story until he was emotionally ready to deal with it. Dr. Jamieson's notes indicated how Chip thought he had Lee persuaded. In her experience, it usually took numerous reassurances to convince a patient his behavior was rational and very human. She needed to proceed carefully. Lee would have to revisit the events as she reiterated that what he was experiencing was only carefully crafted recordings, lies that Decker had put together to deceive Lee. Dr. Anderson wouldn't challenge Lee over what he perceived as the men's intentions, expecting that would probably cause him to shut her out again. He needed to accept what really had occurred. Then she would be able to attack the last barrier - what happened during the interrogation and brainwashing. The biggest mystery was why he steadfastly refused to talk about that. What hold did Decker have on him?

She could ask Chip Morton if he knew, but wasn't sure of reaching him. He was engaged in sea trials and not due back for several days. Perhaps K.C. could help. Her influence had gotten Lee outdoors and into the fresh air. He hadn't gone too far away from the building, but it was a start. Perhaps she could coax him into a walk around the gardens before she left. In the company of that animated lady, it would do Lee some good.

Chip sat at the desk in Lee's cabin - refusing still to call it his - steaming over the directive from The Powers That Be to move ahead with bringing in an experienced executive officer "for the time being," as they had so diplomatically put it. Nelson had toyed with the idea of giving the job to Frank O'Brien, but after speaking with Chip, had decided against it. Both men felt offering O'Brien the XO position was a bad idea, because they refused to face the reality of Lee not returning to duty. Chip would be able to handle the 'demotion' if it came to that - and he fervently hoped it would - but for Frank it would have been a lot more difficult.

So Nelson had pulled some strings and found an acceptable substitute, one of Lee's and Chip's classmates from the Academy, a man biding his time at a desk job at SUBLANT before retirement. Tom Pierce had plenty of experience, not as a sub commander, but his last assignment as XO on one of the newer attack subs was sufficient to make him an ideal candidate for the job. He had six months left in his naval career before he could sign off and hit the beach. Chip could only pray they wouldn't need that much.

He was going over the daily reports. The new systems gave Seaview no trouble on the rapid round-trip to Germany but they couldn't take any chances on any of the deep water testing. The tests had four more days to run, and then the sub could return to Santa Barbara for replenishing and to pick up the Steward Foundation scientists for the month long cruise around the Aleutian Islands.

He closed the laptop, his mind not on the results but on his friend. He still could see Lee's face when he told him about becoming temporary captain. He had emphasized the 'temporary part', but he could still see the hurt and fearful look in Lee's eyes, knew his friend was wondering if he would ever be able to command again. At least Lee had approved of Tom as XO, knowing he was a good man and would make a fine match-up with Chip.

The admiral was getting a lot of flak, we can't delay the tests any longer, plus we've got to make room on the schedule for the Seward Foundation project. It was a business decision that had to be made, Lee, that's all there is to it.

Stop worrying, I'm fine with it, Chip. I know you'll take care of my gray lady.

A knocking interrupted his musings.

"Sir, here's the information you requested. Also, Admiral Nelson wishes to see you as soon as you are free."

"In other words, now. Thanks, Chief."

Chip got up, taking the papers with him, knowing Nelson would want to see them.

"Sharkey, how's the crew handling everything?"

"Fine, sir, all the new equipment is working A-1."

"That's not what I was asking Chief, and you know it."

Sharkey squirmed a bit, hemming and hawing before answering. "Well there was a little bit of grumbling when Mr. Pierce came on board as XO. Most of the guys felt Mr. O'Brien got a raw deal, sir," the CPO hastily added. "Mr. Pierce seems to know this stuff, but the men are a loyal bunch. Don't you worry, I set them straight."

"The choice was not a reflection on Mr. O'Brien's ability, Chief Sharkey."

"Aye sir, I know that. It's those muckety-mucks sticking their noses in, messing things up. Anyway, it won't be long until the captain returns. Oh, begging your pardon, sir. I didn't mean any disrespect."

Chips slapped the man on the back as they left the cabin. "None taken. I can't wait for his return either." He stopped in the corridor and looked Sharkey in the eyes. "There's no real problems with the men, are there?"

"Oh no sir, real respectful and sharply following their orders, or I'd lay into them. But if I might suggest, maybe you or the admiral could give us an update on the skipper's condition. You know how scuttlebutt on a sub works. One minute they got him bouncing off the walls in a rubber room and the next his condition was all a set up for a deep undercover mission for ONI."

The new captain was thankful the former was definitely untrue and wished, a little bit, that the latter was. "I'll speak to Admiral Nelson. We won't be getting any news until we dock, but pass the word he's receiving excellent care. You might add his doctor is very attractive. That might give them something else to speculate about."

"Yes, sir!"